Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

I agree with everyone else - let her go. I would try to reason with her to make it less acrimonious if possible. eg 'Do you expect me to spend the rest of my life alone?' When, in your opinion, would it be acceptable for me to start to consider my own needs as well as yours? That sort of thing.
I'm afraid though, given the history you have explained, I suspect this is just a power play to try to get rid of your partner and she has no intention of actually moving out. I may be wrong.

I paid my parents £40 per week back in the early 90s. At the time I could run my car on £5 petrol a week!

She really needs to grow up

My own dd is very similar, despite my best efforts. I think young people today are so much more immature than we were at the same age. It’s so tiresome. Tell her she’s welcome to move out. You’ve done nothing wrong. She’s just being an entitled brat.

She is 22 - she has been an adult for 4 years.

She has a job. She must pay her way, either with you or in her own accommodation.

She is emotionally manipulating you and knows how to make you feel bad. Don't give in to this.

Explain that you love her and always will; that you and she are older now and at a different stage of life and things need to change, so that she can be an adult and you can prepare for the next phase of your life.

It is of course a challenge when mum brings a new partner into the house, but she is an adult and must deal with this. It is your house.

Say that you understand she wishes to move out now and are happy to help her with that. By the way she does know that you did not have the goal of pushing her out! - she is using that statement to make you feel bad - and boy has she succeeded!

She is doing the detach from parents phase a bit late! - but it is one that she has to negotiate - with your help. A bottom line must be that she is not rude to you in your own home - tell her that is unacceptable then refuse to engage with this - turn away and ignore. It is not normal behaviour for a 22 year old - 16 maybe and even then it needs calling out.

You are letting her accusations get to you.

That she sounds abysmal to live with, probably. You're doing her no favours.

Much more to the point; she'd make an awful roommate if she's (1) smoking in a non-smoking house (2) refusing to do ANY chores (3) making it a miserable experience to extract her agreed-upon far below market rent every week and (4) expecting others to buy her skincare and high-end toiletries!

OP, I can understand her being upset if your partner has just moved in without any discussion or warning. But unless she has some specific objection to him that she can explain to you, it sounds like she's not even trying to make the situation work. I'd try to talk with her when she's calm and tell her she's welcome to stay and follow the house rules, but if she truly wants to move out you'll support her in that whatever way you reasonably can. It sounds like she's unlikely to be able to afford even a studio on her own, so if she does go she'll likely be making some changes regarding doing her share around the house and cooperating and paying her own way, and that's not a bad thing in terms of her growing up and becoming independent and resilient.

She reluctantly pays £20 a week? In 1999, when I was 18 and earning about £8,000 a year, I was paying £40 a week!

Not to speak for someone else but I think she's trying to say that she sounds like a spoilt nightmare and she needs to change up and fast because she would be utterly intolerable in a relationship.

The bad news is that you've created a monster. The good news is that her threat to move out is actually a really good opportunity for that to change.

You seem to have not done a good job of bringing her to adulthood, been too soft with her. Let her live on her own - she needs to grow up without being mollycoddled.

The skincare thing is weird - my DD is 12 and although obviously I stock the bathroom with soap, shower gel, shampoo and conditioner etc, even face wash and deep conditioner that I know we both like, she also knows if she wants anything above and beyond she has to buy it herself! I’m not mean, I’ll stick wipes or body spray in the supermarket trolley but £20 creams and stuff are what birthdays and Christmas are for, and what you save up for. I think that’s pretty much the norm among her friends too; certainly she wouldn’t be slow about complaining if she felt hard done to.

IN all honesty let her go. She is "failing to launch" at the moment and is being incredibly selfish as everything has always revolved around her. I would say OK whats the plan and do you need some help viewing flats etc

She honestly sounds about 12, not 22. She works full time, so must earn £1700+ per month. She pays no expenses and you buy everything. She is either saving very well or fritters away vast sums.

If she wants access to everything at home, she needs to contribute far more. If she refuses, I would just buy the basics. She could buy a daily hair mask if she chose to, given she pays for nothing else! If you want fancy bits for yourself, buy them as you go or store them elsewhere.

I think you have been a great mother, you raised her as a single mum and put her above yourself.
I think a heart to heart is needed. A no holding back chat. Calm and using facts not allowing her to be rude or angry.
It's really hard, please don't be too hard on yourself. You did what was best for her and now it's your turn. I don't think she will move out. It's just her playing her manipulative card.

She's 22. Most 22 year olds don't live at home any more. She'll be fine if she moves out if she's got a full-time job. She sounds pretty cheeky if she doesn't pay towards her food/bills and is now refusing to even buy her own toiletries.

Oh and sack off the skincare thing - I wouldn't even provide more than some basic shower gel and shampoo (that I use) everything else DD buys. Mine has done this since she was about 12 (she had an allowance for this stuff and clothes beyond basic stuff)

At 22 she is still relatively young. She has a warped view about what is acceptable and what the world will offer her. I think it would be good for her to go out and rent separately. At least for a while. This would give her some perspective of reality. I understand her anger troubles you and plays on your heart strings, but honestly she needs to learn lessons quickly and you are doing her no real favours by indulging her further. I know parents who are paying for everything for their adult children well into their 30s and 40s. It is not good. Furthermore you are entitled to your own life with your partner. She does not and should never be able to decide who you see and how you live.

I feel sorry for your partner having to put up with her tantrums and behaviour toward him, I'd have run a mile if I was him!

Let her go, actually encourage her. It’s high time she grew up.

Time for tough love. You can do this. She needs to shape up, or she can ship out!

I get that as her mum, you don't want to make life hard for her or fight with her, but right now at 22, she's needing a firm hand (not physically... although 🤔 lol!), you deserve a life of your own and a peaceful home.

Lol! What an odd comment! Do you think that it's OP's responsibility to bring her daughter up to be good 'marriage material'? It's not the 1950s.

She’s not rude to him, she’s rude towards me and he notices, which is what pisses him off. With him she’s either fine or at most bouts of jealousy every now and then.

Luckily he loves me and we get along perfectly fine so no, he hasn’t “run a mile”. But thanks.

She absolutely should move out. Her behaviour towards you is awful and she needs a dose of reality to grow the hell up. Let her scream and vent into the void for a while and you develop your own life.

Every woman’s goal. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Smoking in the house would be a delbreaker for me. She'd be out on her bloody ear!
Brat.

She'll get a hell of a shock when she moves out. £80 a month doesn't go a long way in the real world!