Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

context: DD22 is an amazing, lovely person but it has always seemed like at home everything is 10x worse. I’ve became a single parent when she was 8 and chose to remain single until she was 18, when she’d be off to uni. I thought this was the right/safe way of doing things, but now I’m not so sure. She seems to think everything is hers with no consideration for others.

Uni in the traditional sense never came and I’ve never managed to get her to do things around the house, I’ve been consistently unsuccessful. Finishing college was a battle, then a gap year, then after much back and forth she agreed to apply to uni (my terms were either uni or a FT, but a PT while doing nothing else was unacceptable) only for her to decide to do it online at last minute. By this point I was worried for her because it felt like there was some sort of avoidance of responsibilities/new steps, but agreed to it because I thought hey, at least she’s studying. She’s almost done and recently got a FT job along with studying, which I’m really happy about and proud of her.

Due to a recent change in circumstances, the person I’ve been with for 4 years has moved in with us. She’s angry, rude, somehow does even less to help at home and announced she doesn’t need to buy anything anymore because I don’t need financial help now (she’s meant to buy her own skin care/fancier toiletries). I’ve been treading eggshells trying to keep everyone somewhat happy. DP called me out saying I’m scared of telling her anything, which is… true? Today after another (small!) issue she’s announced that she’s moving out and accused me of never wanting her here, that my goal was to push her out, etc etc.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t want her to move out in anger, all I want in for her to try and be a bit tidy and not smoke in the house. That’s it. I feel like if I let her move out angry it will ruin our relationship, but if I ask DP to move out it will ruin that relationship too and after 4 years I am very happy to live with him.

Any advice? I’ve been crying my eyes out all morning.

My 10 year old thinks this at the moment, that she will always live at home with me in our house i tell her one day when shes older and ready to move out she will have her own house /job /family life and she says no mom i always want to be with you. Melts my heart but i also know i have all this to come as she gets older with the teenage years and beyond

Sounds like a tantrum and she is hoping that you'll kick out your partner and beg her to return.

Let her go. She is an adult and it's time for her to grow up which will clearly never happen so long as she is under your roof. Hopefully when she matures she will treat you better. She sounds like a spoiled child, not a 22yo woman.

If I were your partner, I wouldn't tolerate this kind of partner. In other words, I'd be unlikely to stick around with someone who enabled this kind of behavior in a young adult child.

i get the idea of wanting to put your kid first and OP did this for 10 years, only starting to date after her DD turned 18. Even then she waited another 4 years before moving her DP into the house. Exactly how long are people expecting her to put her own life on hold? Her daughter is an adult (not that it seems like she acts like one!) and OP has, in my opinion, gone above and beyond to put her daughters needs first up until this point. The daughter sounds very immature, selfish and ungrateful. I agree with lots of other posters that you should just let her move out. It will be a big reality check for her to realise just what it takes to run a household and pay for all the bills, groceries and skin care! I would be very surprised if she wasn’t begging to move back home within 6 months. You need to be tougher with her and being so soft is likely what has led you to this position but she should as a bare minimum have respect for you and your property and it doesn’t sound like this is the case unfortunately

I did wish people would stop blaming the mum. FFS. She has raised a child alone, kept her safe and now she is ready to move on.

Well done OP.

Many of us treat our kids well. It's not spoiling them.

Personally I do think it's not just parents who raise kids - it's society, school, social bloody media.

OP's daughter will get over herself soon enough.

Sounds like it's the reality of the situation, think all three will have to accept the situation. Your daughter will never accept your new partner, he will have to accept that she will never like him and that you will never get a situation where everyone is happy.

I know a lot of people who think that everything becomes easier by holding off of dating until the children are 18, but as this shows it's never easy!

It says in the OP that she did an online Uni course so she wouldn't have moved out

My DD will be coming home to live after 3 years of uni this summer. We have been very clear she is coming home as an adult (I think it has helped that we have moved house so she is not still in her childhood bedroom etc; not sure though). She will pay rent as she has a full time job, she will tidy up after herself but she can also have her boyfriend to stay when she wants (as she is an adult). She has to see the benefits of adulthood as well as the negatives. It’s hard for your DD as she has never lived away (mine has and has been quite unhappy and lonely as well as some great times so appreciates the stability of home) but she also needs to know that, at 22, life doesn’t revolve around her. If she moves into a shared house she will find the grass is not greener. I suppose approach this with firm compassion? Where are your red lines (help with this, pay this, don’t speak to me like this) and what can you ignore? Encourage her freedom and maybe try to set aside some time for you both to spend together (while not being upset if she doesn’t want to?). She can’t keep being a twat but 22 is hard; you’re not as grown up as you think you are (and before some people come back with ‘I was on my third house and my 4th child at 22’; yes but the OP is asking how to maintain a positive relationship not kick her DD out without a backward glance).

Adult children are supposed to move out, because they're adults! You should be pleased she's embracing the real world!

I hope you mean for your own house, so not quite the same.

Is that it? My stepson charged his son (good wage) £100 a week and his DD (less good wage and much younger) about £40. Your DD is getting away with murder. Let her move out. Go through what she will need to pay and then help her find a place. Do not move your DP out - it's your life, not hers.

I doubt she meant for her own house, I took it to mean to her parents for board. It wouldn't be relevant otherwise..

That's a seperate conversation though, lots of people find the idea of directly profiting from their children more than a bit weird. Other don't.

Then their parents were charging them the full market rate for multi bedroom houses at that time (nearly, a couple of pounds off).

For me there is also the wider of issue that when you have been a single parent, usually been through divorce but certainly a separation it affects your own financial planning and future security very much.

I know that if at some point in the future DP and I pooled resources we would still have a chance of retiring in our 60s and having a decent retirement.

without that we’ll be paying for our separate houses until we are 70. At what point does an adult child stop becoming more important than an adult who is looking at retirement? Seriously?

The DD could break up the ops relationship, op not meet someone else then she’s sitting in the house alone for the rest of her life.

Meanwhile the DD will eventually have her own life, probably a family or her own and grow to resent her mother who is alone in old age because she ‘put her daughter first’.

Seriously when does it end?

It's the best thing if she moves out. Otherwise she'll remain a female Kevin the teenager for ever.

I don't want to answer for that poster but it would probably have covered more than just living in the house, food, bills etc?

I think you need to break the ‘going round in circles’ by being calm but firm. It’s currently benefitting her much more than it is benefitting you, especially if, as you say, you end up just doing her cleaning and washing up for her. That won’t help at all.

I’m always one to recommend an adult conversation. I’d say ‘Clearly things haven’t been working well in the home recently so I’ve been having a think about the way forward. This is a household of three adults and we all need to contribute fairly, particularly when it comes to household chores. This is just part and parcel of being an adult and you need to play your part. Therefore these are the expectations of adults living in this home: wash up your own dishes as soon as you’ve finished with them; take your washing out of the machine when the cycle has finished or it will be taken out and left for you to deal with (not hung up or put in the tumble dryer); hoover once a week
(Or whatever her jobs are- you need to divide up whole house tasks between the three of you…). I won’t be nagging or reminding you to get these done, that stops going forward, but if you decide not to do them I will be asking you to leave and setting a date for that. I’d rather you learnt how to behave in a house share whilst you’re here but if you refuse to do that you will be expected to move out. Let’s go out for coffee in two weeks’ time and review how it’s going.

And then you need to stick to it. No nagging or chivvying, certainly no doing it for her and see what happens. If after two weeks she’s done nothing you need to follow through with telling her to find somewhere else to live.

What you decide to do about her ludicrously low rent is up to you, but it seems unfair of your partner is contributing part of your daughter’s share.

I know you want to be a lovely and supportive mum, which is right and good. Sometimes though (often in fact) being lovely and supportive means doing the hard thing that will be best for your child in the long run, not the easy thing that keeps them happy in the moment. Being a supportive parent involves saying no, drawing a line and sticking to it, and doing what it takes to give your kids tools for life. Letting them walk all over you isn’t being supportive or actually being loving. Expect more and push back when you don’t get it - it will be so good for her personal growth.

private? divisive?

This!

So for the sake of being a little more pleasant and being tidy , will be paying for somewhere to rent ( more than likely a house share ) where she would need to be tidy and hopefully pleasant , and buying everything she used , and having to cook & shop for herself , so all her own washing and adult herself etc .
Sounds like she needs to give it ago . It might be the making of her .

DD needs to move into a houseshare where she will quickly learn that being a selfish twat is a complete no-no. A big dose of reality will do her the world of good.

I've lived in many houseshares - her behaviour wouldn't be tolerated by most people. She needs a studio/bedsit.

This is part of my wider concerns too, to be honest. If we pool resources now we can consider buying property together relatively soon. I’m all for helping DD have a leg up in adulthood as I didn’t have that myself and I won’t be inheriting anything, but where does it stop? She was meant to start saving from January onwards (she set that goal) and so far it’s only starting (with 2 holidays planned already…). She’s only young of course, but I do feel like I’m at the stage where I also need to be planning my future.

My mother never remarried and I see how alone and unsupported she is now. Obviously we try our best, but I don’t want to feel that lonely or to have to place so much pressure on my own child.

This is all entirely valid - your needs matter! Some posters are being ridiculous IMO in suggesting you shouldn't have your partner live with you, four years into the relationship and into your daughter's adulthood. You've gone above and beyond staying single till she was 18 frankly, you certainly don't have to become a nun for life because you're a solo parent.

She is an adult, she's paying you extraordinarily little (I paid my parents more at that age 25 years ago, and I thought I was very lucky!) if she wants to stay and save a deposit she needs to start playing by your rules, that is a great privilege that you're offering. If she doesn't want to do that, then it's time for her to move out and find her own way (which would be best for her as well IMO).

you are reaping what you sow. Time for you to put your big knickers on and have some boundaries and mean them. If you don't change your behaviour and tolerance of her BS, she's not going to change.