Is my relationship with my in-laws fixable after the family chat?

[YourOchreBird]

Decided to create an account after being a long time lurker and seeing the good advice people give. So hi!

I’ve received a lot of bullying from my sister-in-laws on my husband’s side over the years. I’m very anxious and sensitive and I’ve always been a doormat with no boundaries when it comes to how others treat me. I’ve basically been taken advantage of by them, and called names and treated terribly if I haven’t obliged straight away. My husband picked up on it and has told his siblings that they need to sort their behaviour out. This caused a big falling out between him and his siblings. My MIL (single parent, FIL not in the picture) hated her adult children not talking as she’s very big on family so she arranged a family meeting for us to all talk about our issues.
My husband told his sisters that he thinks they’re bullying me and taking advantage of me. They denied everything he said and made up some unpleasant things about me. I got upset and left. My husband stayed and told his sisters that if they can’t treat me with respect, they can’t have access to him or our family (we have two children).
Since then my MIL has been organising family events with everyone but me, on account of she thinks it wouldn’t be fair on me to be around my SILs. I put up with this for a while, until yesterday. My husband was always invited but never went. He never addressed anything with my MIL.
I felt upset and angry a few days ago as I was left out of yet another event so I stupidly messaged the family group chat. I said that I’m sick to death of being in a family who don’t care about me and who are nothing but bullies. MIL messaged me separately saying she’s sorry I feel this way and that she does care about me. I replied saying she doesn’t care about me because if she did she’d have a problem with the way her daughters treat me and would address it instead of just leaving me out. I said she’s witnessed how I’ve been treated and said nothing, and that makes her a coward. She never replied.

My husband fell out with me over this, telling me I’ve made myself look a fool and have embarrassed him.
I sent an apology to my MIL yesterday and to the group chat, saying I’m sorry for my outburst, I just feel really isolated from the family and I feel like nobody cares about me, and it’s started to take its toll on my mental health. I said all I want is for everyone to get along and for this to all be sorted out. Nobody replied, and my husband is just acting like none of it has happened.

Is this even fixable now? Im now the villain of the family and I feel so embarrassed and awful

Any comments would be much appreciated if anyone has the time to reply please. I’m on my own tonight and I’m overthinking everything and getting myself down

@YourOchreBird well done on standing up for yourself. Your husband's family sounds like a load of bullies. He should be taking your side and defending you x

To add: my MIL agreed with my husband and I privately after the chat that she thinks my SILs aren’t nice to me, but doesn’t feel it’s her place to intervene, and admitted she’s excluding me from things so I won’t have to see my SILs. I suppose I disagreed with this approach too but my husband didn’t

Your husband needs to back you up here. You are not the problem and I wouldn’t be apologising to any of them.

Thank you for replying. I’ve been shunned for it so it really makes me feel I’ve done something wrong so I appreciate new perspectives

Fixing it would mean going back to the old way, where they bully you and no one acknowledges it. Not even you.
you might have not handled it gracefully, but what you said was not incorrect.
You should tell yourself that even if it is fixable, you don't want that in your life.
Build some joy into your life to replace what you think you'll get from them.

I’ve told him I don’t feel very supported. He just says he’s “cut off my sisters for you so what more do you want?”. He thinks not talking to his sisters anymore is backing me up

It is not just your in laws, you have a DH problem. His behaviour is awful.

Once you've had a chance to grieve the family you thought you had.....this could be a good thing. Your husband can take the kids to his family get togethers and you get some time to yourself. You are free from any family obligations on that side of the family. I know it might take a while to see it like this and the sadness might be too much, but just a thought.

Why would anyone want children around people who bully their mother?

He isn’t talking to his sisters at all but is talking to his mum like nothing has happened. He’s defended me with his sisters but I suppose it’s bothering me because I don’t view him ignoring them as helping. I have told him that I’d like him to talk to his mum but he just says he’s not cutting her off too. It makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable but I don’t want him to cut off anyone

You’ve had enough of their ignorance and stood up for yourself. Well done. Don’t back down now.

First off, exit the chat and block the three witches! You can bet the MiL is involved behind the scenes. Just tell her that this behaviour is unacceptable and until it changes, you’re taking a break from them all.

Next tell your husband man up and back you. I wouldn’t be happy with him taking the kids to any family events going forward that you’re not invited to.

Thirdly; just forget about them. See them in person when you must. Otherwise, they’re blocked so just forget they exist. Your husband can choose how to handle himself but not what you do.

Totally agree, my children would not be in the company of people who talk badly of me.

if I thought my adult child was being a dick to a siblings partner I’d be pulling them up! I certainly wouldn’t have anyone isolating anyone else .

well done for standing up for yourself OP.

My husband doesn’t go to any of the events because he tells me it’s not fair on me. He makes excuses to MIL though, like he’s busy with work or we already have commitments elsewhere. I suppose I just want him to tell his mum that excluding me isn’t fair and is letting her daughters “win”, giving them a free pass in a way to continue to treat me poorly as they have no consequences for it. He won’t do this and we argue about it every time so it’s not even a conversation now

I think your MIL is in a difficult position. These are her daughters. She does sound like she wants the family united so I think you need to mend fences with her first. Once you have that relationship back on track you can think about how you went to handle the SILs. They are behaving badly but your MIL isn’t responsible for them so don’t punish her.

You've have nothing to apologise for. You've done nothing wrong.
Your husband is also a problem.
Well done for sticking up for yourself.
Don't give them the pleasure of letting them know how upset they have made you.
Fuck them all, the sound horrible.

Can I please ask why you think my husband is a problem? He thinks he’s done enough and won’t talk about it and I always end up feeling guilty for saying anything to him about how I feel

What do you actually want? MIL to cut her daughters off ? Be invited to family things and be around people who bully you and neither you or your husband talk to? YoUR SILs to actually change and become decent people?

I’m not sure how to patch things up with MIL. I’m upset she’s been excluding me from family events but she thinks she’s been really kind by giving me space from her daughters’ behaviours towards me

I agree.

MIL isn’t going to cut her own daughters off, and she can’t MAKE them treat you nicely, so she’s a bit stuck.

Your DH is also a bit stuck. He wants to keep his relationship with his Mother who hasn’t behaved badly, but has cut off his sisters who have.

I am not sure either MIL or DH can do anymore.

I don’t want anyone to cut anyone off. I want to be able to go to family events without being bullied and I want to feel like I belong in this family. I feel really isolated and I’d like to stop feeling this way. I’d like my SILs to show basic respect and I’d like to not feel like I’m asking for something completely unreasonable by asking for kindness

This sounds like a sad situation and it is clearly getting you down.

But it’s important to realise that neither your MIL or anyone else can make your SIL get on with you. I don’t see how MIL has become a casualty of this. I don’t think your MIL continuing to spend time with her own daughters means that she is excluding you or your SILs have “won”.

These people are all adults and make their own choices which you cannot control.

From the version of events you have told it sounds like your MIL cares for you and you are feeling isolated. It seems like it would make sense to reconnect with her and make the most of the good relationships you do have within this family.

I don’t want anyone to cut anyone off. I just want to be invited to family events and be shown basic respect and kindness. I don’t think that’s asking for very much but I agree I don’t know how MIL and husband can help. But at the same time I don’t feel supported by them. It’s a really rubbish situation

I'd have little or no contact with SIL's.
But MIL seems to be stuck in the middle, so why don't you invite her round for tea, no pressure, just hanging out with kids, you and DH. It's a nice way to to just hang out and talk and not feel excluded.

I’m not against my MIL spending time with her daughters. I don’t agree with her isolating me from family events.

I worded things badly in my post about this. What I meant is that I feel that my MIL excluding me suggests to my SILs that she’s on their side in terms of how they’re treating me. I hope that makes sense