Is my relationship with my in-laws fixable after the family chat?

[YourOchreBird]

Decided to create an account after being a long time lurker and seeing the good advice people give. So hi!

I’ve received a lot of bullying from my sister-in-laws on my husband’s side over the years. I’m very anxious and sensitive and I’ve always been a doormat with no boundaries when it comes to how others treat me. I’ve basically been taken advantage of by them, and called names and treated terribly if I haven’t obliged straight away. My husband picked up on it and has told his siblings that they need to sort their behaviour out. This caused a big falling out between him and his siblings. My MIL (single parent, FIL not in the picture) hated her adult children not talking as she’s very big on family so she arranged a family meeting for us to all talk about our issues.
My husband told his sisters that he thinks they’re bullying me and taking advantage of me. They denied everything he said and made up some unpleasant things about me. I got upset and left. My husband stayed and told his sisters that if they can’t treat me with respect, they can’t have access to him or our family (we have two children).
Since then my MIL has been organising family events with everyone but me, on account of she thinks it wouldn’t be fair on me to be around my SILs. I put up with this for a while, until yesterday. My husband was always invited but never went. He never addressed anything with my MIL.
I felt upset and angry a few days ago as I was left out of yet another event so I stupidly messaged the family group chat. I said that I’m sick to death of being in a family who don’t care about me and who are nothing but bullies. MIL messaged me separately saying she’s sorry I feel this way and that she does care about me. I replied saying she doesn’t care about me because if she did she’d have a problem with the way her daughters treat me and would address it instead of just leaving me out. I said she’s witnessed how I’ve been treated and said nothing, and that makes her a coward. She never replied.

My husband fell out with me over this, telling me I’ve made myself look a fool and have embarrassed him.
I sent an apology to my MIL yesterday and to the group chat, saying I’m sorry for my outburst, I just feel really isolated from the family and I feel like nobody cares about me, and it’s started to take its toll on my mental health. I said all I want is for everyone to get along and for this to all be sorted out. Nobody replied, and my husband is just acting like none of it has happened.

Is this even fixable now? Im now the villain of the family and I feel so embarrassed and awful

Personally I wouldn’t want it fixed. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. These people are foul and that’s not going to change. Cut contact with the SILs, DH can see them without you. Decide whether or not you still want any sort of relationship with MIL and if so, on what terms - then calmly stick to your boundaries and build your social life and support network away from them.

It just doesn’t make a lot of sense.

they bullied you
your husband had it out with them, you left.
your husband doesn’t go to anh family events now, he’s went no contact.
your mil clearly invites him as she invites all her children, you’d not expect any thing less
youve now decided your husband even on having it out with them and going no contact hasn’t done enough,
you’ve also decided your mil hasn’t done enough.
you want to socialise with these women, and have now kicked off again.saying you should be invited to these events.
you have attacked your mil as you feel she should have taken your side over her daughters,
‘her daughters feel you’re equally to blame and said some unpleasant things you don’t accept. Howver their feelings on the situation are as valid as yours. They have their view, you have yours.

i think you need to just stop now. It’s done; rightly or wrongly your husbands family is split apart. As the late queen once said, recollections vary on why that is, you have your view, the sils have theirs. Your husband has clearly sided with you, your mil is in the middle and doesn’t want this upset.

I can’t see what she’s done wrong, part of your behaviour feels attention seeking to me on the texting and insulting your mil. I’m sure your sil have done things wrong. I’d be very surprised if it was all as one sided as you make out, but this is your strong view.

leave them be now. No good can come from keeping attacking, you’re no contact since the argument, stop putting insulting things in the group chat. It’s done/

I don't think your MIL is really managing to pull off the idea that not inviting you to family events, is doing you a favour and sparing you from your SILs. They don't sound like a very nice family to be honest, and that includes your husband. Do you really want a lifetime of this nastiness? Have you considered walking away from your marriage? I would. Your SILs won't change and the wider family is enabling them.

I couldn't put up with this shit in my life. I think I'd have ended the marriage- your self esteem and mental health are worth more than this.

Kindly, you want the impossible.

The SILs are never going to treat you with respect.
The MIL is not going to rein her daughters in.
DH is not going to cut off his mother.
You are not going to be able to have the happy extended family relationships you crave.

You are on to a hiding to nothing with SILs and MIL. Let them go, look to building your own circle of chosen family. And don't apologise, you have done nothing wrong!

On my previous post *her daughters, not his 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your MIL has taken the path of least resistance by separating the relationship, they are adults do she can’t parent them into changing behaviour and is likely disappointed in them.

do you want to go to the gatherings? If do hold your head up high and go, don’t be alone with them. If they are rude walk away. Consider do you really want to go in the first place? You can’t control grown ups behaviour

The key thing is, this is presented from the ops view; where these women randomly and for no reason other than their horrid started to abuse and bully her. Now as much as that’s potentially true, in most situations, there is blame on both sides. And by staying out, the mother may see the fault on both sides, who knows.

the mother is just inviting all her kids. The op needs to stop, her husband has gone no contact, the family is divided, the mother is doing right in inviting all her kids, the siblings are split, due to the issue between the op and the sils. And the op needs to accept that now. Stop hassling people to now include her and be nice to her, the sils feel she’s done something and has some blame, the op doesn’t and that’s fine, two sides can experience something very different, and both can be true from their perspective.

There is a real sense that you view the mother as independent of her family dynamics, that couldn’t possibly be true in the hierarchy and interplay and power structures that exist within all family structures.

The queen was even quoted above in another post and Lord knows the power dynamics and daily inter plays that went on in that family over the years.

If the OP is at the end of a bullying dynamic which obviously I cannot say with any degree of certainty then both sides don’t have equal validity and claiming that to be the case is really gaslighting of the OP.

This is a hard lesson to learn but, OP, the SILs don’t like you. No one can control their behaviour. People can only control their responses to someone’s behaviour.
you need to let go of this and grieve the extended family you thought yoo had. Block all the SILs. Have nothing more to do with them.
you cannot control your DHs behaviour but he has already taken your side and decided that he dislikes what his family has done so is not speaking to them.
Allow him to restore the relationship with his DM and decide how you would like to move forward with you and her.
do not do the family meeting again - that was always going to go badly with you and DH outnumbered and with him (and potentially MIL) feeling as though they are in the middle.

It's not fixable - but it's also not your fault. The sisters are just not nice people and nothing is going to change their attitude. You need to move on, imo.

H has dropped most of his family [except his kids obviously] for being toxic, bullying and cliquey.
It's great not having to engage with such a bunch of morons anymore.

My husband stayed and told his sisters that if they can’t treat me with respect, they can’t have access to him or our family (we have two children).

My husband was always invited but never went.

You have undermined your DH. He put a really good boundary in place, and you ignored it.

He told them that if they didn't respect you he would have nothing to do with them and you went and complained that you weren't being invited to things. I would also be annoyed with you if I was him because you totally trampled over the boundary he had set.

Sorry but there’s no going back now. If it wasn’t sorted out after your DH spoke to them all the first time. This outburst will be the nail in the coffin I’m afraid.

Wha are the events you are excluded from? Who attends them? Is it just MIL and SILs and their families - or is it wider family? What happens in special occasions like Christmas/ birthdays etc? Are you not invited to those as well?
I know your MIL is stuck in the middle - but i don’t think you should be excluded from all family events for the foreseeable either OP - whether that means you and your family is invited to some events and your SILs to others I don’t know but you being persistently excluded does kind of show who’s side the MIL is on.

absolutely not fixable but not because of the messages you sent!! You deserve better and the fact your husband said that you embarrassed him and you apologised….honestly you had a back none sending those messages so well done for sticking up for your self.

Only piece of advice I can give you is stop
caring what others think (husband included) and do what makes you happy, you can’t control what others feel/think/do but you can control how you react to it.

Keep your chin up lovely

Bullies and so why you apologising.much admiration from me. You don't need this shit in your life and your husband needs to find his backbone. Stand up be proud

I think your outburst was understandable but to be avoided where at all possible. It seems the family are aware of issues with SIL and they seem to want to contain the issue.

Sadly, most families have internal issues, either blood related or not. Sometimes new people join and others cannot tolerate change in family dynamics and fee threatened even though no one is threatening them, possible ND or just internal family conflict.

I am not sure if fixable; you have apologised and now to see if they accept your apology; it may take a while. But then they should also apologise to you too.

most families grin and bear family gatherings and bite their lip, it seems you may have to fall into this camp or avoid.

Your husband and his family sound like a bunch of assholes. Don’t worry yourself about it. If you are happy with your husband then just accept that his family are assholes and have nothing to do with them. Ever.

It isn’t going to happen though. So simply have a separate relationship and family time with your husband and MIL and not with the rest of them. Sorted

Not gonna lie. You sound exhausting. Either get on with your life and ignore the haters or leave your hubby.

It sounds like the only mistake you’ve made is marrying into a scum family. They sound like people with very little going on in their lives, so they have to invent dramas.

I’d say cutting his sisters off and boycotting family events is backing you up

his mum is stuck I. The middle wouldn’t involve her
you said they can’t have access to the kids so they didn’t invite you

you need to address this with the sisters

I agree with this, as you don’t want to be isolated or make your husband isolated.
Could you make sure you are never alone with a SIL? Presumably, they only behave like this if no one’s around?
I agree that just to laugh if they say something nasty might work.
If they keep on at you to do what they want, your husband could say something?

It’s not that difficult a position though. By excluding OP and not talking to her children about their bad behavior, she is supporting it. She is telling those adult children that she agrees that OP is the problem. While privately telling OP and her husband that she is not the problem. If she’s not the problem then why is she the only person being punished? She is the one who is facing consequences-the consequence of being kicked out of the family.

Now I understand her husband’s in a difficult spot and he’s trying to navigate keeping a relationship with his mom while cutting off his siblings. And I struggle with the idea that it’s not mom‘s fault either even if her solution leaves a lot to be desired.

OP was not wrong for texting in the group text. Sharing her feelings is valid. Her husband, if he feels embarrassed and upset, will need to get over himself. I don’t know that anybody buys that he’s always busy during family events that his siblings will be present at. But OP may need to accept that the compromise that he’s willing to offer is to not go but make a polite excuse.

I would definitely take myself out of the group chat. Right or wrong you’re being in it is just going to have a negative impact on your mental health cause they’re gonna be talking about all of the things that you’re not invited to and that’s just rude. At this point OP has no relationship with the wider family so I would exit the chat for the wider family and move on with my life. If there’s anything that you need to know, the husband can share.