Is my relationship with my in-laws fixable after the family chat?

[YourOchreBird]

Decided to create an account after being a long time lurker and seeing the good advice people give. So hi!

I’ve received a lot of bullying from my sister-in-laws on my husband’s side over the years. I’m very anxious and sensitive and I’ve always been a doormat with no boundaries when it comes to how others treat me. I’ve basically been taken advantage of by them, and called names and treated terribly if I haven’t obliged straight away. My husband picked up on it and has told his siblings that they need to sort their behaviour out. This caused a big falling out between him and his siblings. My MIL (single parent, FIL not in the picture) hated her adult children not talking as she’s very big on family so she arranged a family meeting for us to all talk about our issues.
My husband told his sisters that he thinks they’re bullying me and taking advantage of me. They denied everything he said and made up some unpleasant things about me. I got upset and left. My husband stayed and told his sisters that if they can’t treat me with respect, they can’t have access to him or our family (we have two children).
Since then my MIL has been organising family events with everyone but me, on account of she thinks it wouldn’t be fair on me to be around my SILs. I put up with this for a while, until yesterday. My husband was always invited but never went. He never addressed anything with my MIL.
I felt upset and angry a few days ago as I was left out of yet another event so I stupidly messaged the family group chat. I said that I’m sick to death of being in a family who don’t care about me and who are nothing but bullies. MIL messaged me separately saying she’s sorry I feel this way and that she does care about me. I replied saying she doesn’t care about me because if she did she’d have a problem with the way her daughters treat me and would address it instead of just leaving me out. I said she’s witnessed how I’ve been treated and said nothing, and that makes her a coward. She never replied.

My husband fell out with me over this, telling me I’ve made myself look a fool and have embarrassed him.
I sent an apology to my MIL yesterday and to the group chat, saying I’m sorry for my outburst, I just feel really isolated from the family and I feel like nobody cares about me, and it’s started to take its toll on my mental health. I said all I want is for everyone to get along and for this to all be sorted out. Nobody replied, and my husband is just acting like none of it has happened.

Is this even fixable now? Im now the villain of the family and I feel so embarrassed and awful

It’s the gatherings that have upset me. My MIL is very family oriented and hosts everyone a few times a month for things like BBQs, takeaways, etc. Apart from the SILs, other people were always there including my husband’s brother and his wife, and my husband’s uncles and aunties, all of whom I thought I got on really well with. I’m now just not invited to any of it and nobody has talked to me since my invites stopped. I suppose I’m grieving all these relationships and the fact I thought we were all close but actually aren’t.

It sounds pathetic but I was always the shy girl growing up. I struggled to make friends and spent a lot of my school years alone. I didn’t go to prom because of it. It was only once I got to university I got more confident and started making friends. I’ve spent a big chunk of my life feeling lonely and these gatherings meant a lot. Having them gone and having my in-laws no longer talk to me has taken me right back to my school days

You’re both stuck in your own point of view and can only keep criticising the other side.

You won’t fix this.

You’re weaponising other previously healthy relationships to fight your battles for you. Be careful. That’s manipulation and it’s not a good look. DH is right.

You can fix that.

Feuding is not good for families, and, as it has with you, it’s become a habit. Your alternative is to accept that your DH and DC’s feelings matter as much as yours do, and let them see their GP and aunts.

You get to promote family harmony, unlike SIL, and dodge awful relations. No one needs to be soulmates with their SIL. Have a treat day to yourself when they’re out. You deserve it.

It was just my SILs I struggled with. I thought I got on well with other family members at my MILs gatherings but by being uninvited to everything, I don’t really see anyone anymore. I’ve tried reaching out but get nowhere. I suppose I’m grieving broken relationships and it’s a lonely feeling

So it sounds like these gatherings meant a lot and you would like to return to them. That is probably achievable. I would focus on that as an aim rather than aiming to change your SILs behaviour. If these gatherings are fairly big scale they can probably be easily avoided once you’re there.

No one can change personalities, SIL
don’t need to. Mate, it’s their family. You’ve got your own family too.

What makes you think you can have it both ways?

It is fixable if you apologise for calling MIL a coward. Most parents love their children unconditionally, so even if she disapproves of how her daughters treat you, it's not abnormal for her to keep seeing them. If you say you shouldn't have taken it out on her, but would appreciate her doing whatever she can to get them to treat you better, it might be ok.

I’ve tried to reply to as many people as I can but it’s a lot to keep on top of so I’ll try and add everything here:

(1) What I want out of all of this is to not be excluded and for my SILs to stop making remarks at me every time they see me. I’m not expecting to be friends. All I want is to be able to attend family gatherings where they don’t make remarks at me. I understand nobody can make that happen. If I can’t be friends with my SILs then I’d rather they just ignore me as that’s much easier and better than what’s happening now.

(2) Regarding my MIL. I’m upset her solution is to exclude me from her gatherings, considering other family I get on well with are there. She won’t do anything with me separately as she said she doesn’t want to upset SILs as she knows they don’t like me. I understand she’s in a difficult position, her actions are just making me feel isolated. I’ve talked about it with her but nothing changes.

(3) Regarding my husband. I don’t want him to cut off his sisters. It’s never what I wanted. I wanted him to talk to them about how they were making me feel. He told them they were disrespectful towards me and that he disagreed with their behaviour, then cut them off and hasn’t actually engaged in a proper conversation with them. I feel an actual conversation would have been a healthier solution as it would have let SILs know how they were making me feel without hurting their relationship. I know my MIL arranged a chat but it was literally my husband just telling his sisters they were disrespectful and became a big argument. I don’t want him to not have a relationship with his sisters, and I don’t want it thrown back in my face like cutting them off is what I wanted.

OP, you need to get proactive and positive to fix things, not go big on your own feelings just now cos they’re not fixing anything for you. That’s how relationships work.

SILs awfulness might remind you of schooldays but adopting a child’s feelings and behaviours is no longer appropriate. You’re a married woman now with agency. Tell DH to calm down cos you’re working towards family harmony.

SILs might be bitchy mean girls but you’re both better than that.

Apologise to MIL, albeit through gritted teeth, be the grown-up here.

Admittedly being the better person is annoying, but it gets you where you want.

Offer to bring food to the next shindig and promise you’ll avoid the Ugly Sisters.

Thank you to everyone who has responded and reached out. I do agree with the responses that my MIL and husband are in a tricky position. I’m going to apologise to MIL and explain to her why the gatherings meant so much to me. They are big gatherings and I know my SILs can be avoided at them. I’d love for her to tell SILs to just ignore me but I know it’s an unpopular opinion that my MIL should say anything. I respect the different opinions on that and can understand why she won’t, and I’m ok with and respect knowing that she won’t. I know I need to mend my relationship with her.
I always dreamt of having sisters as I never had big groups of girl friends and I grew up in a boy-heavy household. I was so excited to marry into a family with so many SILs. I guess it’s why I’m finding it hard to accept my dream won’t come true and that nothing I do will ever give me a relationship with my SILs. All the comments saying I need to let go are right.
I’m going to pour my energy into the friendships I already do have, and hosting gatherings at my own house with MIL. Who says MIL can be the only host?!

thank you to everyone for giving me new perspectives. I appreciate every single reply.

I’ve got what I wanted out of this thread so I’m going to leave it here. Thank you again and thank you for making my first mumsnet post a positive experience! Yes some comments disagreed with me but they’re exactly what I needed to see this situation outside of my own personal feelings and gain new perspectives. We all get guilty of viewing things through our own eyes that we can’t see anyone else’s point of view so I this was a great reminder.

Not everyone is going to like me but it makes the relationships with those who do all the more sweeter!

@YourOchreBird

and made up some unpleasant things about me

they did this during the face-to-face intervention your MIL set-up, can you elaborate on what they said so we can get an idea as to why the dislike you so much?

I agree with ppl.
MIL isn't going to cut off her daughters and DH isn't going to cut off his DM.
You are part of the extended family.
You need to carve friendships of your own.
Do you have parents and siblings.
I don't see my Sis in laws much.
I have 4 of them.
We meet maybe once per year at communions or similar but I keep them at arms .
I don't consider my husbands family to be my family.
I have lots of siblings and so does my husband.
Too much involvement causes rows in my opinion.
I have my own friends

I say this with kindness but you can’t control other people. You can only control your reaction to them. You say you just want basic respect, fine, of course, but that’s clearly not going to happen and you cannot force it. Just move on from it.

I think MIL has tried - she organised peace talks and now sees both sides separately. You haven’t said what you actually want her to do. You May have burnt your bridges with being invited to things.

DH has stuck up for you and gone NC with his sisters which must be a wrench.

Neither of them can control other adults. Nor can or should you. You’ll have to accept you won’t get what you want here - happy families. Just see MIL / other family separately and try to accept you can’t force a friendship with SIL.

If you really want to go to bigger gatherings and you can convince MIL to invite you then just do not engage with SIL. Be the bigger person say the bare minimum. Treat it like a work colleague - you don’t have to like them just be professional. Otherwise this spiral of conflict just goes on and on

@YourOchreBird sending hugs, hope you feel better soon x

I would step away from the family . Don’t be on group chats or friends on sm. leave your dh to visit mil from time to time and accept they are not your family.

Nasty people, aren’t they?

Your h needs to take your sil’s to task. And after that, both of you need to go low or even better, no contact with these people.

I think the only mistake your DH has made has been not being honest with MIL why he wouldn’t attend the events.

I think if the DH goes down the route suggested here by many and enables what is going on and shows his children that he is ok with his wife being treated the way his family are treating her and normalises that treatment to their family unit and exposes them to two unsubtle bitches who are likely to drip poison about their mother towards the children then instead of him coming from a shitty family he will have his children coming from a shitty family. All of this exclusion being rewarded by family members ignoring the SILs behaviour sets the family up in the falsehood that is extremely damaging for the OPs own family,

This post is spot on.
MIL has tried to come up with a solution and DH has backed you up by going NC with his sisters.
You don't like MILs solution but what are you expecting ? Are you expecting her to go NC with her daughters ? Do you want her to exclude them from events? What is the event then ? Presumably then it's just you DH and MIL? Why don't you organise the event?
She's their mum and it's unreasonable of you to expect that she only sees you and not her daughters. The SILs are the bad people here and you're taking it out on MIL. Perhaps she doesn't know how to tackle it? Perhaps she has (as has DH) and it's not had any effect.
I don't know what you want but the bad behaviour is SIL and you can't change them seemingly so either you go along to events and tackle them yourself by standing up for yourself and giving them a piece of your .mind when they are rude or you accept that you don't go to certain events.

I would be glad to be excluded. I can’t understand why you are trying to shoulder your way back in tbh?

Yes, I agree with this. I don't think this is one you can fix. Your kids will twig how awful the aunts are sooner or later. I'd start building relationships elsewhere.

Time to stop trying to make this into something it's never going to be (a kind family unit) and deal with it as it is.

Op, your posts I am struggling to understand, you complain you feel isolated and don’t go to family events, and are abused by this family. But you also say your husband doesn’t go to the events either, he declines and is no contact with his siblings, so he is also isolated?

if he is no contact and you are, then how are they bullying you? You don’t see them to do this? I can’t quite work it out.

At least he did defend his wife, which is more than most husbands do in this scenario. I think he doesn't go along to these get-together any more, without OP? I think you shouldn't have apologised for your outburst though OP. You did nothing wrong there! They all needed to hear it.

But why be upset she’s excluding you from things when you know it’s out of kindness? I think honestly you’re expecting too much. Your MIL is trying to avoid drama. You’re creating it by making this all about you.

If you want to be invited to things with the SILs you have to put up with how they behave towards you. Or be prepared to fight your own battles with them. Your DH has already cut them off, I would consider that support enough.

They (the sisters) don’t sound like nice people. In your shoes I would just keep well away.

I think the problem is they’ve baited you and you’ve bitten and taken it. If you aren’t invited, you and dh simply don’t go. Ignore them. Leave them out of your life. Your Dh has had your back, which is the right thing to do. But continuing to stir up drama in a group chat is just poking the dragon and I can see why he’s annoyed. I wouldn’t be in a group chat at all with people who treated me like shit. Stop engaging with them. You and Dh continue to not go where you aren’t invited. Enjoy your little family and let Dh be the buffer who deals with any drama or to continue declining all the invites.

My FIL had four sisters. My MIL was never part of their gang while they were married, neither was his longterm girlfriend. Just women they'd decided to include, not their brother's chosen partners. They aren't bitchy though but they decide who they let in and who they don't. *just what I have observed of a 4 sisters, 1 brother dynamic.

But I think that was your first mistake. Assuming that you would marry into sisters or a group of ready-made friends. Having sisters of your own wouldn't have guaranteed friends growing up either.

When you say that you just want kindness and basic respect it sounds like you still want (need?) to be part of that group. It sounds like you want his mum to tell his daughters to be nice to you and to include you. Like how an adult would tell the cooler kids to involve the lonely new kid. And that isn't going to happen.

You said that you are missing connections with other members of the family, and that you have reached out in vain to them. I had issues with my only SIL. She caused no end of shit. I retaliated. We could be here all day with it and it would be very outing. SIL showed her true colours, everybody is now NC with SIL. But my husband's aunt's, FIL's cousins were always polite to me, but deep down they believed stuff that they'd heard and probably thought I'd caused trouble. They were loyal to their niece, not me. But I was aware of that. Maybe it's similar in your situation.

You can't control what others do but how you react to what they do. Maybe you need to work on your confidence, assertiveness and boundaries. Not just for this, but because you have said that you are anxious. Maybe then they will respect you.

But do you want them to be kind and respectful because you want to keep the peace, or is because feel isolated and would rather have negative relationships with toxic people and feel included than feel lonely?