Is my relationship with my in-laws fixable after the family chat?

[YourOchreBird]

Decided to create an account after being a long time lurker and seeing the good advice people give. So hi!

I’ve received a lot of bullying from my sister-in-laws on my husband’s side over the years. I’m very anxious and sensitive and I’ve always been a doormat with no boundaries when it comes to how others treat me. I’ve basically been taken advantage of by them, and called names and treated terribly if I haven’t obliged straight away. My husband picked up on it and has told his siblings that they need to sort their behaviour out. This caused a big falling out between him and his siblings. My MIL (single parent, FIL not in the picture) hated her adult children not talking as she’s very big on family so she arranged a family meeting for us to all talk about our issues.
My husband told his sisters that he thinks they’re bullying me and taking advantage of me. They denied everything he said and made up some unpleasant things about me. I got upset and left. My husband stayed and told his sisters that if they can’t treat me with respect, they can’t have access to him or our family (we have two children).
Since then my MIL has been organising family events with everyone but me, on account of she thinks it wouldn’t be fair on me to be around my SILs. I put up with this for a while, until yesterday. My husband was always invited but never went. He never addressed anything with my MIL.
I felt upset and angry a few days ago as I was left out of yet another event so I stupidly messaged the family group chat. I said that I’m sick to death of being in a family who don’t care about me and who are nothing but bullies. MIL messaged me separately saying she’s sorry I feel this way and that she does care about me. I replied saying she doesn’t care about me because if she did she’d have a problem with the way her daughters treat me and would address it instead of just leaving me out. I said she’s witnessed how I’ve been treated and said nothing, and that makes her a coward. She never replied.

My husband fell out with me over this, telling me I’ve made myself look a fool and have embarrassed him.
I sent an apology to my MIL yesterday and to the group chat, saying I’m sorry for my outburst, I just feel really isolated from the family and I feel like nobody cares about me, and it’s started to take its toll on my mental health. I said all I want is for everyone to get along and for this to all be sorted out. Nobody replied, and my husband is just acting like none of it has happened.

Is this even fixable now? Im now the villain of the family and I feel so embarrassed and awful

I suppose I feel that because she’s excluding me from events, she doesn’t want me around. She’s made me feel really isolated

You're going to have to accept they don't want you at these events, and find what you're looking for from them somewhere else.
You seem like you want your husband to force your MIL to force her daughters to pretend to like you.

Sadly primarily their ‘family’ is PIL and their children, of which you aren’t one.

It sounds like MIL is trying to protect you by not inviting you to those specific events as the sisters do not want you there. She therefore either has the choice of invite you and they be horrible to you, or maybe even refuse to come OR she can avoid that and not invite you.

Assuming MIL will still do other events with you, I don’t think you can ask for much more here.

Can you give some examples of what Sil said to you?

Have you thought about going to the events and if they pass comments, just to laugh at them and tell them they are pathetic very loudly?

OP, why do you want to spend time with people who you don't like and who seemingly don't like you? You have the perfect solution already - just stop engaging with your in laws and get on with your life.

That must be horrible for you, I feel sad for how you have been treated, husband should be sticking up for you and you're wee family. Maybe the sisters inlaw are jealous of you? Not that it makes it a get out for them but maybe they are?.

I dont have a sister inlaw (thank god) but if it was me I would be telling them how i feel and if they dont like it then tough shit. Please stand up for yourself. ❤️

OP, what is it you would like your MIL to do? You say that she’s “excluding” you - from her POV, she’s trying to avoid conflict. If she invites you to family events, what will change? Are your SILs suddenly going to start being nice to you? I’m sure your SILs are being unpleasant, especially if their DB has called them out on it. You say your MIL has “witnessed how you’ve been treated and said nothing, which makes her a coward” - but did you say anything, OP? You can’t expect your MIL to fight your battles when to do so is to upset her own daughters. She’s in a very difficult position. It seems to me that your DH needs to talk to his sisters about what it is they do that isn’t reasonable. If one of my sisters upset my husband, then I’d be having a word about it, and I think your DH needs to step in. If he’s not talking to his sisters, then the situation is never going to be resolved - but it’s not fair to blame your MIL. You could, though, ask him to have a word with his DM and say you’d like to be invited to family occasions.

Your SIL have shown that they don’t want to change so your idea of a happy family isn’t going to happen however much you want it to . Neither DH or MIL can make that happen !
If you & the SIL don’t get on then your MIL’s solution to keep you apart seems sensible. Just maintain your relationship with MIL and stay away from the others .

Yes that is what I understood from
your original post. But that is a very binary / childish way to view things. You have a MIL that cares about you and you are lonely and crave connection. But you won’t spend time with MIL because you are currently too stuck in the conflict with your SILs to be able to see the bigger picture. You’re not helping yourself in the long term by viewing everything through the prism of you v SILs.

Agree with all of this.

Her daughters will always come 1st. She is in an impossible situation as she can't cut them off like DH has. He has also been supportive in cutting off his own siblings to stick up for you but doesn't want that expended to his DM

You need to accept they are bullys so you will never be this happy all inclusive family. You do need to fix things and can fix things with the MIL and do your own family outings together. Forget the SILs they are a lost cause and you shouldn't have to put up with shit to keep the peace.

OP they're not your family, they're his family. You don't have to have anything to do with them. SILs are not going to change and suddenly decide to treat you with kindness and respect. MIL is not going to stop inviting her daughters to family events because they're her daughters. You'd be much better off withdrawing from all the drama, spending time with your own family and friends and leave his family to get on with it.

You were doing really well until you apologised to them. It was good you stood up for yourself. They sound awful

Typical man behaviour from your DH - men can't stand confrontation. You want him to bloody well stand up for you! Instead you get 'I've cut off my family for you!' when you have no interest in wrecking his relationship with his sisters.

Let it go, drop the rope. Your SILs won't change, your MIL won't make them, your DH won't see the real issue.

I think not talking to his sisters is backing you up to be honest

We don’t really know that she’s done nothing wrong tho. What did they “make up” about you? 🤔

@YourOchreBird

So you don't like being 'excluded' from these occasions. But as things stand why would you want to go anyway? They'll just be nasty and upset you.

It seems to me that what you want to happen is for MiL to issue invitations to all and tell her DDs sternly "Now you be nice to her, do you hear me?". I doubt if it would do any good if she did and she'd probably end up alienating them. So she's stuck between you and them. And she's choosing them. Not a surprising choice. They are her daughters and will likely be the people she may have to depend on in years to come.

The issue I have with your DH is that instead of saying "I won't go because my sisters aren't nice to my wife" he's making up excuses that he's too busy, etc. That would piss me off. He should have the balls to tell his mother the truth. He doesn't have to get angry or be nasty to her. Just tell her the truth, that his first loyalty is to his wife and he's staying home with her.

You did nothing wrong. You just spoke the truth in your message to your mother-in-law. Can you and your husband not have separate get-togethers with your mother-in-law?

Your husband has been on your side and that’s really good of him, but he has let you down by criticising you for sending that message. He should’ve supported you in that instance too.

why do you think your sister-in-law don’t like you? Is there a history there?
We can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. Try to work on your self-confidence and self relief so that if ever you are in their company you are able to stand up for yourself. And that is possible without saying a word just by your demeanour you could show your Self belief.

In the same way the daughters are mother in laws primary consideration in some people’s mind then the OP is surely her DHs.

The issue I have with your DH is that instead of saying "I won't go because my sisters aren't nice to my wife" he's making up excuses that he's too busy, etc. That would piss me off. He should have the balls to tell his mother the truth. He doesn't have to get angry or be nasty to her. Just tell her the truth, that his first loyalty is to his wife and he's staying home with her.

Agreed if MIL feels obligated to go along with the nastiness her DH should at least have her back.

It’s not that. I just want to be shown basic respect

I understand this. It’s just she hasn’t been doing anything with me at all which is why I’m feeling isolated

They can't control the SILs' behaviour. Your husband has cut off his own sisters, which is a very strong show of support.

No doubt your MIL would also like them to be nicer to you but she can't make them.

I think you're being unreasonable to expect anything more from your husband or MIL.

That’s completely understandable. But unfortunately no one can make them offer that if they choose not to. Difficult as that may be.

You need to move forward on the basis of the way things are. You remain hung up on how you can change SIL or influence other people to change them.

No, you haven't done anything wrong, in fact I think you were really brave in messaging your MIL the way you did. Unfortunately, blood is thicker than water, and she is not going to choose you over her own daughters, is she?

The bigger problem is that she has had to choose. Out of respect for you, she no longer asks you to family events, not because she personally doesn't want you there, but because she is sensitive to your feelings about the SILs.

Anyway - if she did ask you, would you go? No. You wouldn't want to, because the SILs would be there. So MIL is caught between a rock and a hard place. If she doesn't ask you, you feel offended that she hasn't asked, yet if she does ask you, you won't go anyway.

What actually is it that you want from this?

Disagreeing with everything I say has been a running theme over the years. For instance if I said I love such and such a song, they’d jump in and say how awful the song is, how they can’t understand how anyone could like it, etc. Just very big reactions to anything I express to the point I stopped saying anything entirely. I don’t expect everyone to like the same things but I could never express a single opinion without it being put down. Whenever I’ve invited family over to my home, it’s been comments putting down my decor choices, what food I’ve served, etc. It’s like I can’t say or do anything right. Putting down how I parent my children, making comments about how my job is terrible, making comments about how I dress. It sounds petty but it’s been constant negative comments for years.
Ive also had messages telling me how selfish I was for not driving one SIL to work when her car broke down. I ended up rescheduling my entire work day to give her a lift because I felt so guilty. I don’t know why I was even asked but I’m terrible at saying no and setting boundaries so I really need to work on that.

Can you invite her to things?