Was spanking/smacking common in the 1990s? Struggling with PIL

[onlyonsunday]

Found out recently that FIL would spank/smack/hit DH, until DH was age 11/12. FIL only stopped when DH got big and strong.

These weren't awful 'hidings' and didn't result in injury or broken skin. DH had to lay across FIL's lap and he would hit his bum over his clothes so no bare skin.

DH is totally unfazed by this and says it didn't do any harm. I have never known anyone hit their children in any way and am horrified. This would have been between 1985-1995. Was it fairly normal then? Or was this unusual?

There are other things in DH's childhood that I find horrifying, so I know my feelings on the spanking will be influenced by the other stuff.

So looking for thoughts on how this would have been viewed at the time.

TLDR: was spanking deemed normal as recently as 1995?

Edited to say: this is in the UK

No not normal . I was born 1951 wasn't hit and didn't hit my children . Please let's not call it spanking as it lessens it and also sounds slightly sexual to me . It is physical violence imposed on a child . So many more civilised ways to bring up children .

@ImImmortalNowBabyDoll

You can't get your kid's attention without hitting them? I hope your sons have someone else to guide them so they learn better parenting than that!

Frig me! Can't you understand the difference between a tap on the back of a hand with a middle and index finger with a stern 'Jonathon!' to show im being serious and putting his hands near something dangerous is not playing.

But lets make out they were battered children from an incident 30 years ago.

Blimey if I had been a hitter it would have been when ds was 14 and for a while he looked at me like I was a piece of shit and made demands. However this behaviour was short lived, his father saw to that, incidentally without hitting either.

By the way is there any reason why you are singling me out and not people who say they belive in smacking. Im not an advocate of smacking at all

I'm not, I've responded to most of the posters who think it's acceptable to hit kids. It's not. Not because you only did it lightly or occasionally. Not because they're in danger. Not because other kids have had worse. It's never acceptable to lay your hands on a child.

Going back further. My mother (b.1904) was one of nine children. Granny had a very short fuse and Mummy was frequently whacked round the head. She suffered from epilepsy for the rest of her life

Caning was only abolished in schools in England in 1999!
DH/My brother used to get caned at school in the 80s.
It was not right but it was common, my Dad used to hit my brother and I on the hand with a wooden spoon as a punishment which didn't hurt at all and we used to snigger about it.

It can’t have been that late surely? I was 13 then and I’d never known caning in schools, I assumed it was abolished in the 80s?

Born in the mid sixties and it was quite normal to have a slap on the back of the legs for bad behaviour - my parents only smacked me a handful of times, I think the "laying over a parent's knee" ritual was rather less common but was frequently talked about /threatened (not by my parents though).

It was very common. Even in the early 2000s more parents hit their children than didn't.

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/population-health-sciences/sites/population_health_sciences/files/ucl_briefing_physical_punishment_april_2024.pdf

Yes I was was smacked in the early 90’s. Only be my mum. Never like a beating and not very often. I remember being hit on the head with the hairbrush for not sitting still whilst getting hair brushed. (More of a firm tap than an whack)

I'm not, I've responded to most of the posters who think it's acceptable to hit kids. It's not. Not because you only did it lightly or occasionally. Not because they're in danger. Not because other kids have had worse. It's never acceptable to lay your hands on a child.
I think there is a world of difference than tapping to stop something wagging your finger and saying ' no ' sternly, to get the message across its not to be repeated. An index finger and middle finger from an 8 stone woman is not 'laying hands'

I've told the incident to ds years ago and he finds it funny as for days after he wagging his finger and saying 'no' like he had learned a new skill. At least it kept him out of danger and he wasn't physically threatened or harmed.
But let's have the biggest molehill we can out of this barely there mountain.

It was abolished in state schools in the 80s but possibly was already uncommon even then? Still legal in private schools till 98/99

You can rationalize and justify it all you like, but assault is assault. There was no need to do it. You had 1 million choices of ways to get his attention, and you picked hitting.

"Trust the science" people are morons.

Last time my father hit me I was 19 and home from uni for the summer. That was mid 1980s. He had stopped hitting my brother when he became too strong and started on me more after that. Not just smacks either, full out of control beating round the head.
Glad the nasty bastard is dead now.

Became illegal in state schools in the late 1980s. But still legal in private schools until the end of the century (1998 for E&W, 2000 for S, and 2003 for NI).

Sounds familiar. My father thought losing control and running screaming at me aiming for my head was no different to "smacking". Not surprising, since hitters don't tend to be good at thinking or modelling the behaviour they claim to want. And actually, it isn't different, because it's still just hitting. Still just pain and rage as a communication method. Still brainless. But also a bit ironic, because if you absolutely must hit someone, better to do it to someone who has a chance of hitting back.

All the "smacking is fabulous because" rhetoric weirdly died a death the day I told him I'd smack him right back if he tried it. They're not only violent, stupid and self indulgent, they're also fucking cowards.

You can rationalize and justify it all you like, but assault is assault. There was no need to do it. You had 1 million choices of ways to get his attention, and you picked hitting.

Are you still bleating on about something you weren't party to in 1997.

So when ever someone close to you taps you to get your attention, or to stop you doing something to keep you safe in that very moment as its time important, its assault?

The police and social services be
over the moon if everyone called that 'assault charge ' in I'm sure.

You say i had a million choices. Name me 20 I had to stop a Jon putting his hand in the open fire at that very moment.

My Dad used to terrify me doing this too- I don't think it served any purpose other than instilling fear into me.

Yes.
Luckily, by 1985 we'd moved on from that practice.

No, @onlyonsunday, I don't think it was widespread practice in the late 80's / early 90's. My daughter was born in 1996 and it was certainly frowned on by then.

This is what bothers me about the OP really. It’s one thing to have smacked your children in the 90s (pretty much everybody did it), but it’s another to have ONLY stopped because the child was getting big and strong. Seems a bit 🤔

Would he have carried on if he had a daughter then or if OP’s DH had been scrawny?

I’m sorry your dad didn’t know how to parent 💐

My siblings and I were all smacked, but I (not them) was also beaten black and blue on a frequent basis. It was utterly abhorrent. I called Childline a couple of times, but they never answered. Horrible childhood, left me mentally scarred for life. Would never hit my own children.

Yep, so true. Sorry you went through that too 💐

Born in 1991, was smacked around 3 times that I can remember over clothes, but I didn’t have to lie down for the smacking, mum
got upset with dad for doing it the last time so never happened again after that. I don’t remember it hurting for long. I don’t resent my parents, I think they threatened a smack a fair few times when I was being particularly badly behaved or dangerous and because they had done it previously I guess that made me behave myself. My dad went to public school and was caned, so maybe that’s why he was less progressive?

Yes very common

That's all hitting does. It's fear based. Quite literally no reasoning. There's a reason hitters have been found to have lower IQ overall than non hitters. It's simply not an intelligent technique.

If your kids are old enough to understand why they're being hit, they're old enough for you to reason with them. If they're not old enough to understand why they're being hit, the hitting is pointless.

Funnily enough, my father was actually a member of Mensa, which put me off the organisation for life. No clever person would want to hang around him.