Things you never expected to say as a teacher

[SuffolkNWhat]

Light hearted thread before we get to half term.

Today two Y8 boys, both brilliant in my subject.

Today I found myself saying:
"Alfred stop giving Ethelred a lap dance!"

*names changed to protect the innocent.

What funny things have you said in your classrooms?

'Planner get your Tommy out' - low ability year 9, caused a bit of a stir. Luckily he didn't.

"X take the pegs off your nipples"

I must add they were outside his jumper (the pegs not the nipples) during a DT investigation (KS2)

"Who wants to feel the balls and who wants to feel the breasts?" Y11 pshe lesson on male and female cancers with feelable demo body parts!

'Stop waving your antennae around' to a Yr 11 dressed up as a cockroach for the last day of school....

X, please put your trousers back on!

Said during a 6th form induction lesson!!!!!

lechie - amazing. Your username seems apt in that context too.

zippity - yes, secondary. It was my first day as an nqt and one of my form group wouldn't (couldn't!) sit down. On closer inspection I discovered his 'friend' had stapled the arms of his jumper to the display board. I've no idea how they got hold of the staple gun.

I've just remembered another (mortifying) one.

"Now, I know some of you give good oral..."

To a year 11 group. I was trying to explain something about speaking and listening assessments, realised mid sentence that I was about to say the wrong thing, tried to correct it, but just ended up stopping speaking after 'oral' instead. Making it so much worse!

Stapling to the wall-quite ingenious! A douchebag is a bag with which to rinse ones vagina out.

No elephants do not lay eggs (to year 11 GCSE class a week before their biology paper) They did not believe me until I flipping googled it. head bash wall

No you do not need to water "fake" grass......or cut it. No it wont grow. No it is not alive. (year 10 girl mum had invested in new lawn)

No, French people do not eat the frogs raw.
To a year 8 class

You cannot get pregnant from a swimming pool, that is urban myth. To a year 10 class who insisted this was possible.

Soooo many...

'If you're going for a poo you don't need to wear your gloves... Yes, I know it's cold outside but the toilets are inside.' Covering reception!

'No, I don't think it's likely that you'll get your period for the first time on a roller coaster while you're upside down... It's not going to gush on someone's head.'
Love y5 sex ed!!

"No really, all children have a biological father, including your little brother"

( to an A level biology student with a single mother)

pointing to anatomical models ".....and this is wear he baby grows, and this is how it comes out......." to the MOTHERS of a couple of year 9 girls ( cousins), who actaully had NO inkling how their children arrived on the planet!!??

"yes, Muslim girls have vaginas too, and yes, you will be "doing" periods, and yes, please do keep these sanitary towels in your locker, I know you say you have no plans to do such disgusting things at school but some time in the next few months you are going to discover you don't actually have a choice........"