Things you never expected to say as a teacher

[SuffolkNWhat]

Light hearted thread before we get to half term.

Today two Y8 boys, both brilliant in my subject.

Today I found myself saying:
"Alfred stop giving Ethelred a lap dance!"

*names changed to protect the innocent.

What funny things have you said in your classrooms?

'Tibault, this is the first time I have had to sanction a boy on crutches for being out of his seat stabbing another pupil with a broken pencil. And no, that is not a good thing.'

Our Y2 teacher and I have a tendency to be a little silly. The kids are aware that we are friends and get on very well.
While talking to one of our Y2s, with mock exasperation: "Your teacher is being mean to me...and then she's saying I'm the silly one."
Y2 child: "Well, she didn't get it from us. We are lovely."

Coming back into my class today, after having spent most of the afternoon at a meeting, two of my boys come up to me, give me a hug and say: "You're back Miss, we missed you!" I teach Year 6!

"We don't eat the frog spawn Paul"

No I don't have a knife you can use.

Yes, we've got loads of blood - at least two bottles.

I suppose you could turn the oven into a time machine.

The thing is, if they thought the dinosaur was a crocodile, you must have been doing something to suggest that. Maybe work on it for next time?

I have no idea of there are fart noises on YouTube - you'd have to search and find out.

(All of these in the last few weeks. disclaimer Drama teacher)

'We keep our knickers on in nursery!' (definitely overtones of Joyce Grenfell in our Foundation Unit)

I long to be able to say "George, don't do that" but all the George's I teach are too awesome!

"Don't panic everyone, it's not my blood!"

(nosebleed season. I looked like I'd done a murder)

"Ryan! Why are you lying in the urinal?!"

Mid Y10 lesson - Sebastian will you please pull your trousers down.

He'd rolled them up to his knees to
display some distracting stripy socks!

Yes, I can see you're stuck to the wall. My question was: 'who stapled you there?'

"If you're going to commit murder on school property, at least do it on the grass where no one will trip on the blood."

Disclaimer: we were filming horror movies on Friday the 13th.

Fourarmsv2
this has to be the winner!

"It is not appropriate to compare poos in the toilets at breaktimes, or have a competition about whose is the biggest. Poos are private."

After a fight about it in lesson time.

"Right new rule, no more stationary is to be put in nose, mouth or ears!" Said to a year 7 class who kept sticking pens up there nose!!

No Adam the plastic crab doesn't live in the urinal (after it had terrified a year 2 boy with very little English and we'd finally worked out what on earth was wrong)

I cover reception one day a week. Love it.

Jonathan, please stop licking Libby.

No, don't smack her bum instead.

(Year 2)

ATruth- that's brilliant! I'm assuming secondary...?!

"No you will not do a big poo on her head!" and "No your dad did not tell you to either" !!!!!!!!!!!

PS. I'm in Reception
HA HA not Secondary, now that would be an issue!

"Nooooooooo Archie, don't poo on the old man!"

This was to a nursery child. We had just discovered thwt a different child had put a whole load of toys down the toilet including an old man puppet, and Archie was sitting on the toilet, just starting to poo!

"Next week, we're going to do masturbation"

To my A level students a couple of weeks ago. We're studying sexual ethics .

"If you must hit him, can you do so after class please?"

Classic flirting scenario.

"X, are you... Doing a dinosaur impression?"

He was. And I teach secondary school!