I've made a terrible mistake and my gorgeous cat suffered

[brainfog2026]

My cat, Minnie was 20 years old and slowly declining. I had her booked in to put her to sleep today at 11am. Last night, she started getting worse, meowing, floppy, obviously in pain. At 2am I rang around a few vets to see if I could take her in to put her to sleep sooner, and one place which is 25 mins away was £400 not £900, so I woke up my kids (13 and 16) to see if they wanted to come with - both fell back to sleep. My DH died 3 years ago, so I'm on my own and really didn't know what to do.
Minnie then settled and we slept together on the sofa. At 5.30am I woke up and she had deteriorated so I woke the kids for them to come with / say goodbye. Sadly, Minnie died about 20 minutes later in the car on the way to the vet, it looked awful as she was gasping for breath at the end, I felt terrible, I'd missed the chance for her to die naturally. She didn't deserve it.
To make it worse, when we got to the vet, the vet said I'd done the wrong thing and yes, she would have suffered. She went on about how this is why they recommend euthanasia and that they told me to bring her in, but I didn't.
I feel horrendous. My DH suffered terribly when he died. I should have known, it was my responsibility, I should have taken her in last night for a peaceful death. I am devastated. I have PTSD from my DH's death and I wanted Minnie to go to sleep, not suffer how she did. I don't know why I'm writing this here, but I guess to hear other experiences - I'm just trying not to beat myself up about it. Please please try not to be to harsh to me.

No, my children are staying at home today. I don't have any other plans, I won't go to work.

So sorry for your loss. The vet should not have said that & are probably just annoyed they didn’t get the business; spend the money you would have spent on the pts option on a nice memorial placard. Be gentle on yourself, you did your best in a tough situation.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved cat.

please please don’t beat yourself up. It’s natural for cats to die. You gave her a loving death, not a medicilised death, and I think that the vet is outrageous for saying that to you,

just remember - they have lost £400 here, and I am sure that may change their view on things.

she died after being cuddled on the sofa all night with her favourite person, you didn’t leave her to suffer for hours and hours.

be gentle to yourself.

For what it's worth, I don't think that Minnie did suffer. We have had a few cats that died and they all looked like they were gasping for breath. I think thats normal.

Your vet is way out of line for laying that kind of guilt on you and those kind of prices are insane.

I think you did right for Minnie.

Please don’t beat yourself up, she settled and she must have been comfortable for a while, whilst you slept together. I’m very sorry, take it easy on yourself. Sorry too about DH.

Oh this is so sad to read - I am so sorry for everything you went through. You did the best you could in very difficult circumstances. You didn't ignore Minnie's distress and tried to get her help earlier, but it sounds like the logistics were tough. She wouldn't have been in discomfort for long and it doesn't negate the years of love and care.
If it helps I also have regrets, in that we drove our dying boy 2 hours away to a specialist cat hospital on a pointless journey. He was very quiet and tired and probably just wanted to go to sleep, but we wanted to know we had tried everything.

I couldn't leave you without commenting. It's such a tough decision to make, especially on your own. I'm sorry the vet wasn't more understanding and sympathetic after what must have been awfully traumatic.

Your cat lived to a great age. You must have cared for her so well for all that time.

Remember the many happy years of cuddles and try to put the last memory to the back of your mind. I know it's easier said than done, but you did your best and were with her to the end.

Sending a big unmumsnetty hug.

OP please send the kids to school, there’s no reason for them to be off and routine helps with grief. If you feel unable to work that’s your decision.
I’m sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry 💐

Vets are notoriously poor at human bedside manner.

You did nothing wrong. You had her booked in. You stayed with her at the end. None of us have a crystal ball.

If it makes you feel any better, agonal gasping which is what you describe, is not ‘breathing’ in the normal sense, and your little cat would almost certainly be unconscious and unknowing at that point - even if her eyes were open. This is natural death.

You did your very best and she would have taken great comfort from you being with her at the end.

Im so sorry for your loss 💐

You have 100% did the right thing.
She spent her final hours cuddled up on a warm sofa. You loved her and she did you. Please please dont feel you should have did anything differently.

It's a huge decision to make, and we can't see into the future. While I have had two cats euthanised, my dog dropped dead at home from heart failure, and it was horrible to see and hear.

You say Minnie was settled earlier in the evening, so this was not a long, slow death, it was a fast deterioration and she would soon have been out of pain.

You did your best for her, you gave her a long life of being loved - 20 is a great age for a cat to reach. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Thank you everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your messages. I know I made the best decision I could at the time, and of course, death has its own timeline. It's so hard to want to turn back time, but at the time, the thought of dragging my kids out at 2am also felt wrong. I have a lonely time bringing up my kids on my own, everything is so much harder. And I feel in danger of piling on more trauma by thinking about Minnie's suffering. But to know that perhaps it wasn't as bad as the vet made out it to be is a comfort. Even after I said that that was very difficult to hear, she doubled down and said I'd made a mistake. This was in front of my kids too.

You poor thing.

Please try to remember that Minnie had a long life so must have been very well cared for, and spent her last hours with you in peace and comfort.

And her death was natural!

The vet is beyond reprehension for telling you off at such an awful time. I'd put in a formal complaint and might just leave them a shocking review.

Try to go easy on yourself. You loved Minnie and she would have known that, even in her last moments, when you were there with her.

Oh OP, don’t beat yourself up. Agonal breathing doesn’t mean she was in distress, it’s a normal part of dying. My old cat had the same, and he died as I rushed him to the vet. It’s likely being moved and the journey would have precipitated her death anyway,

The vet sounds horribly insensitive. I wonder if they were on call and woken and in a bad mood, but no excuse.

You gave Minnie a lovely life and were with her till the end

I don't think you did anything wrong here OP

You were literally taking her to the vet early in the morning.

It's sad that she died in the car but you couldn't have known that.

But I feel sad for you 😓

(And no I don't think it's wrong that the children are off school.)

You did nothing wrong.

The vet was cruel - it’s unbelievable that they were that unkind to you.

Your cat had a natural death. She was obviously very loved and well taken care of.

Be kind to yourself x

That vet sounds truly awful. When you have got the head space, please complain.

Your cat died naturally and with her family round her. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Why be such an arse?

Hang on op, the vet gave you a hard time because your cat settled and you fell asleep? Tbh I think that’s dreadful. You didn’t deliberately make her suffer. What happened happened. And I don’t buy what she said about suffering either. Humans gasp for breath at the end of
life. It’s agonal breathing and is the brain shuts down. Humans aren’t suffering when that happens though it can be hard to see and I suspect your cat was exactly the same.
As an aside 400 to 900 is an obscene charge for euthanasia. Minnie spared you that.
lots of cuddles with the kids, keep warm and try and distract your brain. The PTSD is likely going to be a bit rough today so use the strategies you know work. If the weather is decent get outside. Maybe go swimming. Or for a run if that’s your thing. And be kind to yourself. This is ok. You loved your cat and you can mourn her without guilt.

You had a cuddle with her on the sofa, she knew you loved her.

The stress of the travel could have caused her to pass away at 11am, or 2am as well.
The decision to put your beloved pet to sleep is never an easy one and sometimes we hold on a little longer than we should have.

Instead of beating yourself up about it, think about her life and all the good times you had with her. She didn’t die alone.

You will always have some regret about this, it sounds like you have been through so much. You need to be kind to yourself too

Thank you again. Oh my goodness, I'm so glad I posted here.
I don't even want to have to explain why my kids are off school - not only did they come with me at 5am, watched their cat die, but they lost their dad 3 years ago!!! That's the right decision, I know that.
Yes, we snuggled all night together on the sofa, she was still and settled, we both had the blanket over us. It was only when she woke me up at 5.30am trying to stand up, but couldn't that I knew she couldn't wait until 11am. The gasping was uncomfortable to watch, and made me feel as if she was suffering. I wanted her to drift off. But I guess I know now, nothing in life or death is perfect.
She had the most amazing life, the most spoilt princess, she was me and my DH's first baby and she was very very loved.

Goodness me OP what a war and horrid situation. The vet was a dick for saying that. You are not to blame and you had an appointment booked - it's not on you that she deteriorated quickly. She did die naturally and that gasping for breath is just what happens when mammals die - it happens to humans too. We don't get to euthanise humans and nobody blames loved ones for 'letting' them die naturally. You'll be having all kinds of triggers for your PTSD so be kind to yourself. You loved your cat and she was loved until her last breath. You didn't let her down.

I am so sorry for your loss , what a long lovely life she had ! In my eyes , her end was perfect and natural , she declined and spent her last night cuddled with you , how much more natural could that be ?
The vet is an arse .. how dare they say that to you at your time of sadness and stress.