I've made a terrible mistake and my gorgeous cat suffered

[brainfog2026]

My cat, Minnie was 20 years old and slowly declining. I had her booked in to put her to sleep today at 11am. Last night, she started getting worse, meowing, floppy, obviously in pain. At 2am I rang around a few vets to see if I could take her in to put her to sleep sooner, and one place which is 25 mins away was £400 not £900, so I woke up my kids (13 and 16) to see if they wanted to come with - both fell back to sleep. My DH died 3 years ago, so I'm on my own and really didn't know what to do.
Minnie then settled and we slept together on the sofa. At 5.30am I woke up and she had deteriorated so I woke the kids for them to come with / say goodbye. Sadly, Minnie died about 20 minutes later in the car on the way to the vet, it looked awful as she was gasping for breath at the end, I felt terrible, I'd missed the chance for her to die naturally. She didn't deserve it.
To make it worse, when we got to the vet, the vet said I'd done the wrong thing and yes, she would have suffered. She went on about how this is why they recommend euthanasia and that they told me to bring her in, but I didn't.
I feel horrendous. My DH suffered terribly when he died. I should have known, it was my responsibility, I should have taken her in last night for a peaceful death. I am devastated. I have PTSD from my DH's death and I wanted Minnie to go to sleep, not suffer how she did. I don't know why I'm writing this here, but I guess to hear other experiences - I'm just trying not to beat myself up about it. Please please try not to be to harsh to me.

OP I am so sorry. What a terrible thing for you to go through, not only the loss of Minnie, but that awful vet (who can get to fuck). I lost my cat a year ago - he had a heart condition and was at risk of sudden death but I didnt expect it when it happened, if that makes sense. It was still a shock. I felt so guilty because he died just after I went to bed and I hadn't even said goodnight to him. But a year later, I can see the important thing was the 15 years of love I gave him, not the one night I didn't say goodnight. Try to think of it like this. Take good care of yourself 💗

I'm so very sorry OP.

At the end of a beloved pet's life it is always incredibly hard to make the perfect decision. There are always so many questions and what ifs. Is it too late? Is it too early? Maybe the stress of the car journey last night would have been the end for her and instead she had a lovely night on the sofa with you, at home, surrounded by love.

All any of us can do at the time is do our very best and it sounds to me like you did just that for your beloved Minnie. You did not make a mistake. You were in a rotten situation and did the very best thing you could at the time. That is all any of us can do.

I've had to put my dear dog, a much loved cat and two dear old rabbits to sleep and I can tell you that after all the love there is no perfect ending. It's always heartbreaking. There are always questions and you can always punish yourself when you certainly do not deserve it. Grief kind of does that I think.

It was bloody awful of your vet to pile on the agony. So very unprofessional, unkind and undeserved. After all the years of love and care you gave your dear cat you have nothing to feel bad about. You did your best as you always have.

This will pass and you will be left with the happy memories of the fun and life she had.

Be kind to yourself love. You deserve it.

The vet was really insensitive, you obviously didn’t know what was going to happen and you wouldn’t have snuggled with Minnie if she didn’t seem comfortable and settled at the time. It is natural for animals to die of old age and what does the vet think people are supposed to do if it happens while they are at work etc.? It sounds like Minnie had a wonderful life and it’s so unfair for the vet to overshadow that by saying you did wrong

I'm so sorry, OP. Our lovely old cat died of renal failure, and we had no idea he was so sick until he went in for something else, and the vet took a blood sample. She called me to tell me how bad the numbers were and recommended euthanasia. We were in shock. We went down to the vet's and they brought him out and he seemed fine -- alert and loving, rubbing his head against our hands. We just couldn't do it. It would have felt like killing him. There were only the numbers on the screen to say that he was so ill.

We took him home and he deteriorated fast. We ended up calling the vet's the moment they opened the next morning, and the same lovely vet came out to our house and put him to sleep there. I will always be so grateful for her kindness. With her every word and action during the process, she showed how valued our gorgeous boy was and didn't give us even a hint of blame. She was also the large animal vet and almost certainly had farms she needed to go visit that morning, but she let us take all the time we needed to say goodbye. She made an absolutely horrible time more bearable. I can't imagine how we'd have felt if she'd told us he was suffering and pointed out that they'd recommended he be PTS the previous day.

I'm so sorry that the vet blamed you and made an already terrible time worse. You didn't deserve that. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had. In our case, I almost feel like our kitty wanted one last night at home and to die in his safe surroundings. Your lovely Minnie had a last night snuggling with you, and then died on her own terms. Please don't beat yourself up, and yes, do complain about that vet if you feel up to it later on. Hugs.

The vet should never have said that, and I would report them if I were you. There is bound to be an authority or a sort of watch comittee you can report to.
It is very hard. I went through this with a dog, and I still keep thinking and feeling guilty about what we did or did not do. I cannot take your pain away, but she cuddled up to you, and she crossed knowing she was loved. It is also hard to see a human die. I have done it with several people, including my parents, etc. It can be soul-destroying what humans are expected to go through. I wish I could help you but I send you love and wishes for the future

I think your vet has behaved very poorly here. These decisions are difficult and not clear cut at the best of times without having lost your husband so recently.

Huge condolences @brainfog2026, I’m sure you treated your cat with love and kindness.

The only person who did anything wrong was the vet whose comments were cruel and unnecessary.
You acted in a loving and caring way and have nothing to feel bad about. Look after yourself today and hopefully soon you will be able to think about the 20 years of happiness that you gave to your cat.

No. I agree the vet shouldn’t have guilt tripped the OP after the event, but they won’t be annoyed about the loss of business. They will just have been super frustrated by the avoidable suffering. Unfortunately few people do right by their pets at the end.

What would the OP report the vet for? Below-par bedside manner? The only thing the vet did wrong was deliver some brutal honesty when a tactful lie might have been kinder. It’s not a case for the disciplinary committee though.

I’m so sorry 😢 She knew she was loved and her last moments she knew she was with her family. Sending you lots of love and strength. ❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I’m not sure what you think you did wrong. You don’t mention Minnie was in pain? She died naturally of old age, she didn’t need to be pts, she was going peacefully by herself at the age of 20. The gasping is a normal process to the body shutting down , it happens in humans at the end of life as well, it’s natural and is not painful but is distressing to watch if you don’t understand what is happening. You have done nothing wrong. Was the vet waiting from 2am for you or something? Did they think you had let her suffer for some reason? Perhaps they didnt realise the full circumstances, they dint know you or the context.

Aaww, OP, I'm so sorry about your cat. That's a really good age and it's lovely that she got to spend all that time with you, being loved. Don't feel guilty...as someone who lost a cat a couple of years back, DID euthanise, but STILL felt it was too late, and went through that guilt....trust me, you will have felt guilt no matter what. But you shouldn't...you loved your cat, took care of her, and was there for her when she needed you. 🩵

I’m so sorry for your loss. To me, it sounds like you did your best in a very difficult situation - you didn’t leave Minnie once and you were with her at the end. She was with you in her final moments and that will have comforted her, even if she was in pain.

I’m also sorry that things were compounded by the way the vet spoke to you. They have no idea of your own, very difficult by the sound of it, personal circumstances and how that might have affected how you handled things. You’ve said yourself Minnie’s death has triggered your PTSD. Please give yourself grace. You have experienced immeasurable loss through the death of your DH and now you are dealing with loss again. To me, you sound like a great mum and cat mum. Be kind to yourself today.

It’s hard with pets as it’s not as predictable as with humans I find, and I have found that moreso with cats than dogs, but maybe just my personal experience. I firmly believe in a day too early rather than a day too late with pets these days after an adverse experience.

I’ve signed up to mumsnet just so I can add how unreasonable the vet has been. She died naturally - you did the right thing. You gave her 20 years which is amazing. She must’ve been happy and well loved.
The vet is probably annoyed he missed out on a few hundred.
Please don’t punish yourself.
fwiw, I’ve put pets down and the guilt was also unbearable - you can’t win.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I had to have my dog PTS a few years ago, and without being graphic, he also gasped for breath and his little body jerked for a few seconds after they’d administered the medication, so I think that’s just a natural part of them going, not necessarily due to a natural death vs medical.

Sounds like she had a lovely, long life with you and your family and spent her last hours sleeping in comfort by you. You did nothing wrong here.

I am so sorry @brainfog2026. Minnie must have been so well cared for and loved to even get to the age of 20.

I have no idea why any vet would be so insensitive, the comments just seem cruel.

Look after yourself 💐

Like @notanoccultexpert I also euthanised my lovely cat, but (with hindsight) later than I should. My vet tried to warn me on our last visit with "better a day too soon than a minute too late" or similar, but I was too worried about how DS would cope. In the end, my cat had a seizure and dragged himself off to hide in the middle of DS' toy railway, which (heartbreakingly) mimics what they do in the wild. So I worried terribly that I had ignored the vet, waited too long, traumatised my DS even more than necessary, and caused suffering to my lovely boy. I know exactly how you feel, but your vet's comments were totally unnecessary. It's also perfectly normal to question yourself after any death - what could/should I have done differently? It's a way of processing grief, I think. Please be kind to yourself - you should feel proud that you were with Minnie at the end. Un MN-y hugs.

Please don't beat yourself up. For comparison , I have just lost my mum and she made some awful noises, I was with her at the end. The gasping is distressing to see but totally normal. By the time they get to this stage, they are unaware of anything.
Please be kind to yourself, the vet was a dick .

Please don't beat yourself up. She did die naturally and unfortunately natural dying is a physical and physiological process which doesn't always 'look' very nice.

Whilst her body/airway struggled to continue (hence the breathing you saw) she would've been 'high' as such... If you're not breathing normally, it affects your brain and functioning, hence we feel giddy/spaced out if we hyperventilate. So whilst she looked to have suffered, I can almost guarantee she that mentally, she'd have been at peace.

She had 20 wonderful years and those lovely last hours snuggled with you, she wasn't alone.

Be kind to yourself xx And sorry for your loss

I can't believe the vet said that to you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your cat had a natural death, and had been snuggled with you. There are much, much worse ways to die.

I think you should report the vet to either her manager or practice owner (unless it's her practice) or to the regulatory body, or to both. She should not be practising with that attitude. And she is certainly wrong to say that your cat suffered. She died a natural death and the gasping is quite normal, in my understanding.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think you did anything wrong. You loved your cat and did your best for her, and that is all you needed to do.

If your cat could choose, she would have chosen exactly how you let her pass in my opinion. I've seen two human relatives die so far and they died the same way, the breathing is just a natural part of death when we don't euthanise. Perhaps controversial but unless an animal is in excruciating pain and there's an obvious urgent call to euthanise I prefer my pets to die how your cat died. Death is natural just not pretty to see, and there's nothing more natural and normal about the process than doing it at home surrounded by your loved ones.

Please try to focus on the 20 good years you gave her. None of us know the "right" thing to do at such a stressful time

Please don’t beat yourself up. Some animals go off to die alone and experience the same thing but without a loving person there to care for them in their last hours. The vet was cruel to say what they did.