If your cat could say something to you, what would it be?

[TheSecondMrsAshwell]

Other than "you expect me to eat this rubbish?"

The other night, in bed, I farted and Ashycat looked at me as if to say

"Don't ever complain about my litter tray again. Ever."

😂 My old boy used to snuggle under the duvet in the winter and fart; he was horrified one Sunday morning when I did a 'booze poo' and actually fled the house in disgust

All mine have been treated to tinned mackerel this afternoon so it's all 'I lurrvvve you mum 😻' right now

Cheddar talks to me all the time. Usually complaining About me having to go to work. And being too slow to feed her!

My cat being able to speak is my worst nightmare. He’s effective enough with just miaowing.

My cat is already a good communicator - very clear when she wants something . If she could use actual words I think she'd say something along the lines of 'I preferred it here before you got that dog, please make it go away!'

Mine already says "mama"
I think he would repeatedly shout how much he loves me

"oooh look at what my brothers doing, isn't he naughty. I'm not naughty, you tell him"

"yeah? and?"

My boy:
Sits on my computer mouse and grabs my hand - “ I want to sit on the chair now”. I had to buy a second computer chair for him!
Races down the stairs to the front door, starts meowing loudly and head butting the door - “dad’s home!” I’ll hear the garage door and my husband’s car a few seconds later.
The normal “open this door” and “turn the tap on” and “my bowl is empty”.
My girl:
“LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET M-“ races out door.
“LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN- omg, what took you so long.”
4.00 am every morning, sits on me or my husband - “just checking you’re breathing.Now you’re awake, you may scritch me. Okay, thanks, bye.”

Mine definitely speaks with a heavy Polish twang.

He calls me ‘mama’ and DH ‘Alan’ (his name isn’t Alan).

I think he’d say something really sinister like: ‘death is coming’.

Mine would be " Go to bed ". She often leads me to bed as she wants me to lay down next to her and stroke her to sleep.
Another would be " Its time for treats ". She knows the time at night where she will get a few treats, go over it and she is furious !

Princess: How come every time I sit on your bed to wash my arse, out comes the hairdryer?

Me: Stop washing your arse when I’m trying to get ready for work. The door is that way

This really isn’t the sort of food I expect. It’s well below par. And why do you keep me waiting when I miaow repeatedly under your window at 4 am despite having a cat flap! I want to know you are there. So what if you’re sleeping? You should be out all night like me!

"I'm fucking starving! Why are you killing me!"

I'm sorry I saved you I didn't mean for you to bleed so distressingly

I "think" there must have been a spider on my bed it's my only explanation as to why I got landed on he cut my head open at the back and in the resulting madness managed to scratch ds too I was up at four holding a tissue on my head and he was cuddling and smothering me with love 🙄

Why are playing this heavy metal shit, I've already punched you to make you stop. But you persist, why can't you play something nice, maybe some Adele or Boyzon

'Why is that small human still here? I can just about tolerate you two big humans but the noisy running one has got to go'

At the moment, it would be 'leave my ear alone', as he managed to get bitten when I was away for 2 days (ds, 23, was cat slaving in my absence), and didn't notice the rank smell, or the swollen ear. Two vets trips so far, antibiotics, lots of green foul smelling gunk, and cleaning his ear three times a day. It's costing me in chicken just to get the cat to look at me!!

Previous Cat (when mt DS was born) "For the love of God haven't you weaned him and rehomed him yet? I got three litters off my hands in less time"

When DD was born : "Another one ? You haven't got rid of the first one yet . Such incompetence "

Oh all sorts...

"Why don't Grandmiaow and Grandpaw live here with me? They are my favourites and there would be toona every single day."

"I do love you, I just think you're an idiot. You have no tail and have terrible balance"

"WAKE UP NOW WAKE UP NOW I WANT YOU TO DO XYZ" swiftly followed by "Why are you bumbling around at 3am? Very noisy Mama, some of us is tryin to sleep you know."

'I saw you petting that Siamese slut from next door when she came into the garden you adulterous whorebag'

One of mine actually can talk. He only does it when he thinks I'm asleep. The other night he said 'Let me out please', he's very well mannered. I am absolutely not dreaming when I hear him, nor am I a crazy cat lady.....😂😂

Please don’t bring any grandchildren under 5 here as their high pitched voices hurt my ears and they run around too much.

Please don’t buy Asda smart price food again, get an expensive brand. And don’t try to tell me they are all
made in the same factory.

“This is MY bed, find somewhere else to repose’
‘This is MY spot on the sofa, move away’
This is MY space on top of the microwave, find some other means to warm your food’
This is MY........and so on... I love him though 😊

„Where have you been? I was expecting you ages ago!“

Speaking of farts, I once let out a silent deadly one whilst in the bathroom. Moments later my cat came in, noticed the smell and went over to her litter tray and looked and probed it as if to check whether someone had pooped in there. 😂

They’d all say
‘We can smell the chicken, so why is it still in the damn oven with you making stupid comments about it not being cooked yet. Serves you right if the little one has to swipe you’

Cat 1- ‘yes but I’m so cute’ in response to anything, from 3am wake ups, food demands, my bleeding limbs, terrorising visitors, stealing whatever you’re using etc

Cat 2- I love you and want to be your bestest friend for ever and ever. But stop letting other humans within a 2 mile radius. And a lot of ‘I knew you’d like that present, that’s why I got you some more’. With occasional ‘come and help, this present weighs nearly as much as I do’

Cat 3- bring food. Put my bed back. Now fuck off.

Yes, to all of these.

Ashycat would also say (in the tone of a TOTALLY fed up nursery teacher) "And what time do you call this? You've been out with the great hairy oaf again, haven't you?" when I come in late (and not entirely sober).

She'd chuck in the "adulterous whorebag" comment when I pet the cat from upstairs, but I don't let her catch me being unfaithful!