If your cat could say something to you, what would it be?

[TheSecondMrsAshwell]

Other than "you expect me to eat this rubbish?"

The other night, in bed, I farted and Ashycat looked at me as if to say

"Don't ever complain about my litter tray again. Ever."

And new from this morning:

I am a creature of light and air, of grace and beauty. I skim along blades of grass like a drop of dew on a fresh summer’s morning. I……aaaaaaargh!!!!

Well don’t just lie there looking over the edge of the bed wondering where I suddenly disappeared to. Just lift me back on, forget I fell off and we’ll say no more about it.

Today it's if you think you can put that stuff on my neck you can have another think, so you can just fuck of if you think you can trick me with a trail of dreamies. Yeah, I've eaten them, so fucking what, you ain't the boss of me. Oil! Put me down. Did that hurt? Good. And you are bleeding? Diddums!

Current cat would be "I love you, I lick you, I savagely bite you..." All day (and night) long!

There has been a serious decline in service standards recently. Most notably with regards to punctuality at meal times and the quality of food provided. I have made my preference for Felix pouches over that godawful dry food very clear. I also expect to start receiving daily cuddles at 7am on the dot - I don't care if you have to shower/eat/go to work. This may change to 5am at my discretion. That will be all for today. Absences have been noted.

Our old boy has never spoken (traumatic kittenhood, pre-rescue, I am told). He's also now completely deaf. So mostly I believe he's saying: "You what? Bloody hell, you're in front of me. I was aslee... zzz" Obvs during waking hours it's: "Call this cat food? Where's the Whiskas?"

Girlcat has also recently taken to stalking into the study and proclaiming that the TV has gone into standby so i need to put it back on for her. She doesn't seem to care what's on, but has a specific noise to tell me it's gone off.