AIBU - Neighbour wars over our cats

[ParsleyCake]

Our neighbour is a single mother who works full time and came home to find our cat had come into her kitchen. Her daughter (aged probably 7-10 ) was already home from school and in the house.

A few hours ago she came into our garden through the open gate while we had a friend round to celebrate our baby's first birthday and were having a drink in the garden while he played on the grass. She apologised for disturbing us and explained how she had found the cat in her kitchen, and that her daughter had serious asthma problems which meant it was dangerous for a cat to be in the house like that. She was very polite at first, though she didn't stay that way. We asked her which of our three cats it was, as we thought it was most likely it was our youngest cat as she goes into our friends house down the street sometimes. She just repeated her story - I suppose this meant she wasn't sure. At this point I explained to her that if it was our youngest cat I would catch her and do my best to keep her indoors, however our older 2 cats need to get out as they fight if kept confined. My partner asked whether she could close her kitchen window, pointing out (politely) that it was the only window (just because of how wide it opens) in her house (which has many windows, it's not like it's a one bed flat) where a cat could get in. At this she got angry, saying she shouldn't need to keep her window closed. I basically said that no, that's true but she moved into a neighbourhood full of cats (I mean it's all families in 2/3 bed houses with gardens) so it's sensible to take precautions and after all, I think it's a simpler and more reasonable situation than to ask us to get rid of our cat or keep them indoors where they would fight. I said it more nicely than that obviously. We've lived here two years and she moved in a couple of months ago.She said she wasn't asking us to do anything she was telling us the situation and we could do what we wanted but she would call cat protection (not that they deal with things like that!) if it happened again. She kept repeating everything and was getting rude and sweary and we tried to be reasonable but she wasn't listening to us. She stormed off to take her washing off the line and began loudly b**ing about us to the woman who lives in the next house over. That woman also hates us as I have a hearing problem and apparently 'ignored' her when she was speaking to me.

I just don't know what to do. Keeping cats who fight shut in a house with a one year old is just not an option. We moved to this big house with a garden precisely because we needed more space for the cats and were very happy until this woman kicked off. It's such a simple solution to just not leave her kitchen window wide open - she could still open it as much as 6 inches and our cats couldn't get in, but instead she's kicking up a fuss. Our cats are friendly but before we started letting them out there was a huge feral ginger which would pee everywhere and go into the houses and wreck furniture. Our cats chased him off. So obviously this is a neighbourhood full of cats and it's just our luck that it's our cat who went into this woman's house.

This lady is not a great neighbour either, she has very loud late night parties, at the last one there was one man shouting he was going to 'blow the whole street up' and they were in their garden and in the street as well as partying in the house.she has screaming matches with her ex husband all the time. My partner and I moved here to get away from that kind of thing as we lived in a rougher area before. We're not well off ourselves, before you think we are snobs or anything like that. When we decided to have a baby we moved to this nice area full of families and a good school.
I feel like I'm not being unreasonable, what do you think? We both get anxiety and to be perfectly honest this conflict has me seriously considering moving house as this woman was talking about getting my partner beaten up.

Of course YABU. Your neighbour is more understanding than I would be, if that is how you replied to my complaint. If I found a cat or dog letting themselves in to my house, I would catch them and drop them to the pound as an abandoned animal.

Glad you came to a suitable compromise op

Yes, and I imagine the first thing a pound would do is read the animal's microchip and return it to the owner!

Well, if at first you don't succeed, try another more permanent way

So easy to be brave when your opponent is a small furry animal

One of the first signs of being a psychopath is the torture or killing of animals.

One of my colleagues always said personality disorders are under diagnosed & I suppose she was on to something.

So if keeping a cat constrained in your own garden is cruel you are, by definition keeping a pet that requireds access to other people's gardens for its wellbeing.

Quite presumptuous, really.

I would never hurt or injure a cat but I am quite prepared to let a cat know that our garden, which I have arranged to enable frogs and birds nesting, is my territory, and not theirs.

Do the daughter aged 7 to 10 with severe asthma was hone from school, then the ndn came in from work? So the 7 to 10 year old with severe asthma was home alone during that time?

If she is that young I would be more.concerned about her being home alone tbh. And if this is the first time it has happened who is to say the daughter didn't let the cat in? And with severe asthma and that young I would imagine some better parental supervision would be in order rather than cat supervision.

I have asthma that is set off by cats. And I hate bloody cats. I have a whippet which does a fairly effective job of keeping cats away. But in your situation yanbu really.

She just needs to put a screen on the window. Most houses in Australua have them or we'd spend summer with flies and mosquitos through the house!

Dailymailyobos - as someone in that position, I can tell you that there are times, you need help from other people. For instance, when DD1 first started, and I had to make a decision whether to call 999 every day, my next door neighbour offered to take DD2 in to sleep at her house, if we had to go, whatever time of night or day it was! I didn't take her up on it very often, but we really appreciated the offer, as it was one less thing to worry about!

Likewise, now DD2 has a different life threatening condition, due to mental health problems arising from seeing what has happened to DD1, another neighbour offered to take her in at anytime, if the stress over DD1 was too much for her.

It really is better to look at the big picture, keep the emotional temperature down and get on with your neighbours - than obsess over trivia, and fall out with them!

Cannot believe how many people are saying they'd take pleasure in poisoning someone's pets. It's fucking sick.

If she's that concerned about her daughters health she needs to close the window small enough that a cat - or any other animal with fur - can't get it

If you live in a neighbourhood full of cats, even if yours doesn't get in I bet another one will.

It's her responsibility to look after her child, you shouldn't have to move house or keep your cats in because she refuses to keep her window on the latch.

Milkyface. My scumbag of a cunt ex ndn poisoned one of my cats. It was over 10 years ago. I still take pleasure in finding new ways to make his life hell.

All he any anyone else that would do that deserve. Bastards.

And this is why I'm happy to keep my cat contained in my garden.

I may be cruel to put cat fencing up and prevent her from leaving my garden, but at least she won't meet the sort of people who want to cause her harm, or will set dogs on her.

hunter that's awful. Sick fucker! I don't blame you at all. I'd be the same!

It's so awful how some people don't regard cats the same as dogs.

How the fuck do you know that cat you've poisoned isn't someone's life long companion? A lonely kids best friend? A lonely old persons company?!

If your child is allergic to animals shut the bloody window!

It is generally extremely important to try to get on with even our difficult neighbours, however insisting that all your neighbours build high mesh fences to keep their pets in their gardens does not sound like a viable way to protect an asthma sufferer from cats, when a simple mesh on the window would do (and a water spray bottle close at hand for any mishaps).

wow, I am amazed at how mean some of these posts are.
Our neighbours threatened us when we first moved in with our cats, they kept feeding one because he was so friendly, then he felt their house was his, chased off their cats AND bought a chicken or two of theirs home to us. They threatened to shoot him
Whilst my neighbour is a total twunt (had he not fed my cat to start with...)We built a garden catio so they had outdoor space whenever they like and no risk of knob heads shooting them. I really thought our neighbour was a one off....it seems not

OP, keeping your cats in and them fighting isn't good long term.
Your neighbour needs to scare the cat off so they don't go into the house or like others have suggested add a window screen so she can have both windows open and no risk of cats coming in

DigestiveBiscuit We get on very well with our neighbours because we all respect each other and each other's boundaries. Luckily for us, our neighbours are as considerate of us, as we are of them. The op has resolved the problem and agreed to keep her cats out of her neighbour's property so everyone is happy.

so everyone is happy. 

Except the cats

Exactly milky. We had a cat that used to come in through the cat flap so we invested in a microchip cat flap to keep it out. Another one used to use the house as short cut so we made sure the windows weren't open enough for the cat to get in. I wouldn't have dreamt of expecting the cats to be kept indoors. Also, if OP keeps hers indoors what is the neighbour going to do when another cat gets in? Does she expect the whole street to keep their cats inside?

I basically said that no, that's true but she moved into a neighbourhood full of cats

How was your NDN meant to know it was a neighbourhood full of cats?
Shame this isn't something EAs have on the particulars of properties.

You're BU and NBU. Yes, her closing the window a bit would be a simple solution that would prevent a lot of aggro but I would be fucking livid if a neighbour suggested how I should behave in my own house because of their pet.

I don't think the window being open or closed is really the issue- the issue could be anything- she felt her boundaries had been pushed by you (well your cat) and your response was to tell her to sort out her boundaries rather than you apologising and looking to not push her boundaries in future.

Okie dokie everyone. Thanks for (some of) the replies! It's a disgrace that people would consider poisoning an animal, but this is the Internet I suppose.

Yes I agree it was presumptuous of us to suggest she close her window...BUT it needed to be said and we did say it nicely, and it's all very well that she has rights etc etc, but I mean...now we are in the position of, after two years happy in our home, having three cats indoors, one of which is now turned vicious (and we have a 1 year old baby in the house) and has started leaving number two's everywhere due to stress. We have had to put her up for adoption as it just doesn't feel fair to her. We politely told the lady this stress and fighting was what we faced, and lo and behold it has happened. And remember her response was "Well I shouldn't HAVE to close my window a few inches!" Like talking to a brick wall. Now, a few days after the dispute, her ex husband is loudly threatening to kick my partner's head in when he is outside the house when he comes to visit the daughter.

And FYI, cat proofing only works when done properly, which I was quoted £500 for. Not affordable for us. Also, this neighbourhood is so full of cats you can't walk down the street without seeing at least one or two. There's been six in our garden since we stopped letting ours out (that I have seen).

We are upset that she wouldn't listen to our side of the situation, but only cared about what she should/shouldn't have to do. Our other neighbour seems to be joining in on b***g sessions, along with every visiting friend and family member, despite the fact we all apologised and agreed no bad feelings after a fairly heartfelt chat.

This is such a ridiculous situation, but we have played nicely and done what is right according to her.

I don't dare tell her how much her refusing to close her window slightly has affected us but now we feel unwelcome in our street with all the neighbour's having a right gossip and the threatening ex-husband. Never mind our wee cat who is being rehome with a stranger! I'm terrified he will kick our pets or poison them. It's only been a few days but I've had the cats escape several times and had to chase them for ages. We quite honestly don't want to live here any more as there is a lot of bad feeling. We are moving house as soon as we can afford.

And there are people here who think we should have just apologised and kept our cats confined without trying to explain our situation or offer alternatives?!

Here's the ironic thing: now our friendly cats aren't defending their territory, the feral ginger who ruined our three piece suite has moved back in and has promptly sprayed everywhere, including this woman's door mat. I assume he has gotten into her house too, as it has been blazing hot for the last few days and her windows are firmly shut, and windows and doors are lined with bottles of water (supposedly these ward off cats!?). Anyway, it can't be meant for our cats as she was informed we were keeping them in and now every time I see the ginger tom, I smile and pray he'll spray her leg. Karma at its best! I personally would much rather deal with closing a window to keep a friendly cat out than dealing with a feral, urinating Tom cat.

Oh and moving house costs only £100 for a van to hire vs £500 for cat proofing. This is a rented property and I don't know if landlord would OK us putting up a six foot fence, never mind planning permission which takes months to approve and costs £400 just to submit. And also, we are on a lease which means that should the owner decide they don't want to rent the house, they only have to give us 2 months notice to move out. What then, if we have just spent £900 on cat proofing?

Oh well.

• you can cat proof for less than £100 if you diy
• you can take it with you if you move
• you don't need planning permission if you build it to fit in with regs.

Anyway, your neighbour has a solution: close her windows. You have a solution: keel your cats in the garden (it's not a given that another cat will go in, but it is a possibility - but that would be your neighbour's problem, not us).

Some people like to find solutions, some people like to find problems.

Whatever you , good luck with it. I hope you find a resolution.

Not yours, not not us

My DH is going to be doing our cat proofing and it's not going to cost £500. I don't understand why you need planning permission for a fence?