"Dear Cat..."

[catsofa]

What do you wish you could say so your cat would understand?

Dear Cat,

No I am NOT awake yet.

What is that smell? I know it's something to do with you...

What do you dream of?

I go away on holiday sometimes but I promise I will always always come back to you.

Tell me honestly, do you ever jump up on the kitchen worktops when I'm not at home?

Dear Bastard Cat,

I really bloody miss your stroppy ways, huge squirrel tail on your scrawny body, your fussiness over any food but the most expensive and your general ruling of the neighbourhood cats and our house!

Dear Cat/s

When I walk near you I am not chasing you. I just need to get past you.
Stop rolling in the dirt.
Why must you jump on my full bladder from great heights at 4am?
You're both wierd but so are we.

Dear Brave Girl Puss,

Please stop with the live gifts..I appreciate the thought, but John Lewis Vouchers would be preferable.
Please stop following when I walk the dog, it's cute, but last time you got lost and were missing for 5 long, scary days. OhYou scrape the litter not the wall, scraping the wall doesn't cover your do do.

Lovely Boy Cat, relax already, and stop winding up the dog..she's already a fruit loop. grin]

Dear Brave Girl Puss,

Please stop with the live gifts..I appreciate the thought, but John Lewis Vouchers would be preferable.
Please stop following when I walk the dog, it's cute, but last time you got lost and were missing for 5 long, scary days. OhYou scrape the litter not the wall, scraping the wall doesn't cover your do do.

Lovely Boy Cat, relax already, and stop winding up the dog..she's already a fruit loop. grin]

Dear Brave Girl Puss,

Please stop with the live gifts..I appreciate the thought, but John Lewis Vouchers would be preferable.
Please stop following when I walk the dog, it's cute, but last time you got lost and were missing for 5 long, scary days. OhYou scrape the litter not the wall, scraping the wall doesn't cover your do do.

Lovely Boy Cat, relax already, and stop winding up the dog..she's already a fruit loop. grin]

Dear Brave Girl Puss,

Please stop with the live gifts..I appreciate the thought, but John Lewis Vouchers would be preferable.
Please stop following when I walk the dog, it's cute, but last time you got lost and were missing for 5 long, scary days. OhYou scrape the litter not the wall, scraping the wall doesn't cover your do do.

Lovely Boy Cat, relax already, and stop winding up the dog..she's already a fruit loop. grin]

Dear Cat
We love you to bits
That is all
Xx

OMG...Apologies, for the multiple posts...my pooter has gone as crazy as my animals

Dear late Cat.

Why did you have to choose the weekend while I was away with DD2 to finally 'go' after being poorly for months? I wish DD1 hadn't have had to help DH deal with it. I wish I'd been there to see you go (perhaps, or perhaps I don't).

We miss you more than we ever thought we would.

Dear Tuxedo Cat,
As you are already fully aware, you are very handsome with your lovely, soft black and white fur and long, sleek whiskers. Although you are a superior creature with great poise and charm, you condescend to visit me in my garden and sometimes even sit on my lap for a ear rub and a purr. You belong next door but in a way you also belong to the wider world and it is always nice to see you hop the fence for a visit.

Dear cat,

Stop scaring the cat next door. He is a timid soul and that wall has been his for a long time. You make a lot of noise for a little cat but I love how you talk to me. I am so pleased that you are gentle with DS, he just wants to cuddle you and I know you don't always want him to. Please don't sit in the middle of the road, I worry so much about you when you jump over the garden fence into the big wide world.

Love MM

Dear Sendit Cat,
Please let me read this thread without head butting off my glasses.

Dear Cats,

I hope you're settling into the new house alright. You seem to be happy enough, in fact the Feliway seems to have made you pretty chilled. It was nice having you in the house full time for a fortnight. Now that you're allowed out, let's get a few things straight. Firstly, the two of you could rule the neighbourhood if you cooperated. There's no need to get beaten up by the more established cats - there's two of you, and you're not small. Perhaps put less energy into biting each other's arses and a bit more into defending your new territory.

When you've got that sorted, perhaps you'd like to go back to shitting outdoors. Litter trays are nasty. You've got some brilliant spots in the garden that no one else would ever even know about.

I'm really pleased that we've had a new bed for 24 hours and you've not scratched it. Keep it up.

Specifically, Cat 1, please get off DD's bed when it's time for her to go to sleep. You know she doesn't let you stay in the room, and you ought to know I don't appreciate being bitten. However, discovering that you flee in terror from a pink, heart-shaped cushion IS pretty funny.

Cat 2, don't go on the roof again. You're not as acrobatic as your brother, and you were decidedly ungracious about DH rescuing you.

Finally, we're going away for the weekend and our new neighbours are going to call in and look after you. If you could restart the al fresco toileting that would be great, but at the very least please try not to miss the litter tray, throw up, or bring any little friends in for a 'play'. Which reminds me - we have a pond. Fine with you drinking out of it, but no fishing please. Or frogging. Thanks.

Love Me (after five years, still waiting for you two to chill out and become lapcats)

Dear cat(s),

I love you, even though you randomly throw up for absolutely no reason that us or the vets can fathom.

I'm sorry I sometimes kick you off the bed in my sleep.

When I leave for work in the morning, I'm not leaving you forever.

As I've known you longer than DH, I do secretly love you more.

Dear old cat,

I love you, you've got me through some tough times over the last 16 years. I think I may love you slightly more than dp. It scares me when I think about how much time we may have left together and I wish you could go back to being a kitten again.

You also didnt fart as much back then!

Dear newer cat.

We've had you for 8 years now, I think you were beaten in your home before us, I get that you had to hide from us all until you were more settled in, but seriously its been 8 years. Stop jumping at the sound of every little thing. The kettle is for me its not coming to get you.

And as for the burmese next door, rather than take it out on my blinds everytime you see him why not go outside and give as god as you get.

Dear Cat whilst it's very kind of you to share your mice/ birds with me I'd rather you kept them to yourself and out of the house. People have also commented I have 2 photos of you on my dressing table but only 1 of my dcs

Dear Pooki,

You are an extremely sweet cat and I am glad that you adopted us. However, your fancy pants cat food costs me a fortune, so I do not appreciate being woken at 5.30am because your poo smells so toxic if has woken me up.

Also, stop playing with my pajama trousers when I am making emergency cake at 10pm.

Dear Cat,

You might think we love mice. After all, when you wake us up in the middle of the night with a loud miaow to announce that you have caught a mouse and are now chasing it around our bedroom, we are so happy to have a mouse that we take it off you and have it all to ourselves!

But really we would love it if you had no hunting instinct at all and didn't harm the poor garden wildlife.

When I am MNing working on the computer I like to have you around but please don't stick your bum in my face.

I love it when you occasionally deign to sit on my knee and when you come for a little walk with us as if you are a dog, then wait for us when we get back.

Oh gosh, in bits at some of these. Hoping being 8 months pregnant is a good excuse.

Cher LePetitChat

Firstly, I love you very much, even when you yowl in my face for no particular reason when I am dozing on the sofa. You know I like to give you lots of attention, there is no need to be so vocal.

Secondly, DH loves you too. He doesn't show it through the medium of jumping to your tune as much - but that's why he is always buying new new and comfy beds. Please indulge him by sleeping on them, even just a few times? Even though we both know you prefer a pile of clean washing on our bed to nest in.

Sorry to break this to you, but weather systems don't change inbetween front and back doors. If it's raining via the kitchen exit, it's highly unlikely to be glorious sunshine via the front door. Note this is something you cannot hold me accountable for.

Finally, we really hope you will cope when your human little brother arrives. We know you had a tough start as a rescue cat and it has taken 8 years for you to relax and enjoy lots of affection. You look so much better with all your fur, please don't start chewing it off again. And keep on cuddling on our laps - we're sorry it took so long to realise all you wanted was for us to pop a cushion on our knees and you would be content.

You will always be my best furry girl, even if the baby had to take priority at times.

With many head butts and nose rubs.

Dear cat,

Stop bullying my poor Mother and let her sit on the best armchair in the living room. It's really not right that she's sitting on the floor while you snooze in comfort!

Oh, and while we're at it, could you stop yowling when you come home at 5am please?

Ta muchly.

Dear cat

According to what I've researched, you biting us and gnawing on our fingers is an sign of affection
Also, the savage attacks whilst we stroke you are all to do with how cats actually have aggressive sex and you latching all your legs tightly round my body part is so you can really show your love
We find it amusing when you run in the room, punch a visitor and run off, so carry on
We actually know you really really do love us cos we see your other normal behaviour too, when you run across the road purring and so excited to see us, all the cuddles and love, you're just psychotic too

Don't change, we honestly find you utterly hilarious and when I say you are my best man and I love you more than daddy, I do mean it

Xx

Dear Miaow,

Thank you for being a lovely cat to live with - you have been awesome through my divorce and adapted to two house moves rather well.

You love my OH to bits, preferring to sleep on his lap rather than mine. His boys love having you around too. We wouldn't be without you.

You don't catch that many live things (thankfully) - but when you do, I'm glad we don't have a catflap.

I sometimes wonder if you're a bit sad and although I'd love to get a kitten, at 7 years old, I think you wouldn't tolerate it, and I'd hate for us to get attached only for things not to work out.

I still always get worried when you go out (although you are very good at coming back when we call you). Love your chirps when you wait in the bush beside the house and you can hear us coming into the driveway - but please stop running into the paths of our cars - I'm afraid you'll get squashed one of these days.

Finally, thank you for tolerating all the baby talk and lots of hugs....

Dear Hoppy Cat. I luff you, but you really don't have to bring me gifts. I know you mean well but I don't enjoy the half dead magpies flying round my living room. Or dealing with dead squirrels.

Love, ungrateful me.

Dear Hoppy Cat, the small human loves young sorry that this love seems to be applied so firmly, with the aid of plastic toys. We're working on it. Thank you for not biting him.

Love me.

Dear fatter cat - you're greedy, surly, useless and mute! You are yet to say a single Meow! And your shits stink. There is only one use for you - to kill and eat spiders - and you can't even do that! You were so cute as a kitten. Now - you're just annoying.

Dear tiny skinny cat - we are never going to hurt you and never have - so why on earth you scarper every time you see us - confuses us greatly. The only purpose for you is to be there if I want a stress relieving cuddle or stroke! But you can't even do that.

And stop trying to hump each other!

(Obvs this is just being silly - I love you both very much and if anything happened to you id be devastated) x

Dear Cat

If you silently creep up and sit directly behind me while I am doing the washing up, do not be surprised if I step back and tread on you.