"Dear Cat..."

[catsofa]

What do you wish you could say so your cat would understand?

Dear Cat,

No I am NOT awake yet.

What is that smell? I know it's something to do with you...

What do you dream of?

I go away on holiday sometimes but I promise I will always always come back to you.

Tell me honestly, do you ever jump up on the kitchen worktops when I'm not at home?

Dear cat
You have been the best friend a girl could want. I'm sorry I fostered you out to my brother when I had my baby, but I couldn't cope with both of your needs. You are such an affectionate lady that you needed a nice child free couple to baby you! And now that you are ancient, and blind, you are in the best home you could have. They have made a route for you to the food and the litter box with chairs and boxes and the whole flat is basically geared around you.
When I lived alone as a single woman you were the best flatmate I could have had. I'm sorry you are dying and I'm sorry I won't be there to cuddle you when it happens. I've said goodbye and I honestly can't bear thinking about when you go, you have been my cat for 20 years since I was a teenager and I love you so much.
Goodbye Poppy cat xxxxx

Sorry that's not lighthearted at all but I'm feeling blue anyway and this just sparked something.

Some of these are tearing at my heart strings.

Dear elderley c

Dear cat, pushing the jammie dodger I had been saving into the bath was not cool, not cool at all. And don't try to act the innocent, you were perching right next to where it was.

Dear elderley cat

It is lovely to have you here, for as long as we can have you.

Please stop destroying the laundry basket and shredding any rug which isn't perfectly flat. For a little cat you make a massive racket when you shout at other cats (just before running away).

Welling up here too at some of these, and having a good chuckle at others!

Dear Cat,

Yes, I know you are Hunter Supreme. I'm just not sure you need to yowl about it at gone 2am . 2/3 things a day is impressive ...but grim to a human like me. Please stop it!

I don't like mice (dead or alive), so please stop bringing them in. We have plenty of food and I only expect you to contribute purrs to the household.

I love the way you are with DD and her buddies. You're a great family cat and when I see you struggling to jump as high as you used to it makes me very sad to see we are into your twilight years.
Much love, Blondie xxx

Dear cat.

Next-door's avery wasn't there for your personal entertainment even if you insist you were only looking.

Broken cat biscuits taste EXACTLY the same as full ones. Fact. Although I think, since the dog got all the broken bits, she was on your side.

Under the bed was not your toilet. Neither was the bath but it was marginally more acceptable being easier to clean.

I am so sorry we had to let you go today. I'm glad it was painless and we all got to have cuddles and say goodbye. For the last time my skirt is covered in your hair but this time I don't want to wash it.

Dear Cat,
Why will you only eat Felix as good as it looks catfood and even then only the flavours that are NOT fish flavoured

Dear Boycat.
Please don't actually sit on your shit when you have used the litter tray. You have a very fluffy butt and klingons are just nasty.
Yours, Human Mum.

Arch, please do not repeat what you did to me this morning. I woke up boiling hot, sweating buckets and with a heavy weight on my chest, I thought I was having a heart attack! Then I realised you were curled up right under my chin, fast asleep, and to add insult to injury with your arse about a centimetre away from my nose... delightful! At least you didn't do what your brother did the other week which was to somehow manage to get on top of the wardrobe, fell asleep and then jumped down at 3am onto my stomach......

Oooooze my lickle squickle squishy squashy bunny wabbit den? OMNOM NOMnomnomnomnomnom (whilst pretending to nibble her ears). Actually she understands these perfectly already

I don't have a cat but your thread amused me so I am gatecrashing. I would like to say to the black and white cat from across the street..

Dear cat

There is nothing interesting in my porch at night. Every time you check, the security light wakes me up.

Stop walking across my conservatory roof in a cocksure fashion. The dog hates it.

And to my own pet I would say the following...

Dear Dog.

You do not have a right to lick the plates after we eat dinner. No matter how cute you are, it is still revolting.

Stop barking at the neighbour. She is nice and gives us free veg.

Happyland figures are not dessert. It would be nice if at least one character could keep his own feet.

Dear Cat

I bought you some kibble for the good of your teeth and gums. My friend said it was a good idea. Foolishly, I listened to him.

I didn't want to give it to you all the time because after you fell on the first bowl like a starving vampire, you drank almost a whole bowl of water.

So please stop turning up your nose at the expensive wet food for senior cats I buy you in the hope that I will break and feed you exclusively on the cheap cat crack I inadvertently bought.

I worry about your 12-year-old kidneys more than I do your gums. Your breath is no more smelly than is average for your kind so I imagine they were all right. How I wish I'd left well alone.

I know the good food is probably bland, but I want you around for as long as possible. Though if you keep yowling at me and staring reproachfully like I am your cruel jailer and you are my noble hunger striker, that situation may change.

I'm sorry I had you put to sleep but you had a cancer that was spreading and you were in steadily increasing discomfort. It was the loving and right thing to do and I hope that somebody would do the same for me if the circumstances were reversed.

Dear Loki Kitty

I love you dearly but please stop walking through my legs whilst I'm carrying hot drinks/food/things I cannot see over.

I know you don't like me being pregnant but the baby will be here soon and needs the Moses basket more than you!!!

When i say "give me a minute" stop yowling. Food will not get in your bowl any faster

How on earth do you manage to get into rooms that I haven't opened the door to in days. You are some form of cat Houdini.

Dear Cats

It was very exciting when a sparrowhawk landed in the hedge this morning and caught a sparrow for breakfast, which it proceeded to eat while perched on the edge of the decking. You both seemed fascinated by the whole proceedings. Were you taking notes on sparrow-catching or did you think that the hawk looked like a more challenging target for your avian-murdering intentions?

And just for Monty - stop nibbling/tugging at my socks while I'm wearing them and pretending to gnaw on my leg, you weirdo ankle-fetish beast. How come I'm not really allowed to stroke you but you can creep up and do that when I least expect it?

Dear Cat 1. I know you're getting old and infirm but if there is food in your bowl you don't need to yowl.

Cat 2. It would be lovely if you'd eat something other than chicken. You're costing us a fortune.

Cat 3. It's lovely you're so affectionate but sometimes I do like to read a book without you sat on it.

Cat 4. You are not a dog. That's the reason you don't wear a lead when you come on walks.

Cat 5. You are in a multi-cat household, get used to it. They all live here too and it doesn't matter how much you hiss, they'll keep coming in.

Cat 6. You're sexy and you know it.

Cat 7. You can lie on your back looking all cute and innocent but I know it was you who pooped on the couch.

Dear Dead Cat

The neighbour was very good about the fact that you used to sneak into her house and sleep on her bed.

So would it have hurt you to let her stroke you?

Dear two neighbourhood cats who walk brazenly into our house and eat our cats' expensive food: You are both gorgeous, clearly well-fed and wearing collars. So please, EAT AT YOUR OWN HOUSE!

And our lot, come on now, really? You just sit there and watch these two eat your food. Have you no self respect?

Bluestocking

What a lucky little cat you have.

Dearest little furry cat

Where did you put your collar? And when you chase the laser pointer so excitedly what do you think it is?

I love you little furry cat.

I LOVE this thread too!

Dear Cat,

The first time I saw your face was my sole experience of love at first sight (please don't tell DH and DC that!). Every day since then has been a joy.

I would love to know what happened to you before you ended up at the rescue shelter, and what happened to the kittens you had obviously been feeding but weren't with you.

Please stop panicing when I move anything in the house. I know I'm a lazy slattern but you don't need to act so surprised when I do clean!

Please stop shitting in the cat box EVERY time I take you to the vet. It makes the car stink.

Stop waking us all up at 3am when you're trying to get into DC's room. The door's shut for a reason, take the hint!

Please eat your biscuits as well as the gravy off the wet food cat McDonalds. The vet told me off last time I took you in!

Most of all, I love opening the front door every evening when I've had a bad day at work to see you sitting waiting for me. I love that you and DC get along so well despite your early misgivings she was a screamy little shit wasn't she. Your purr is the best noise in the world. Love you forever my little autumn cat.

Dear cat,
I love you more than you know.
I love your funny soft fur that looks like you've had a bad paint job.
I love the way you choose to have cuddles or not.
I love the way you seem to know when I've had a bad day and need you to sit by me.
I love the way you don't judge me as long as I feed you.

I love you more than many humans I know.

Dear Cat

I know you were displeased that we left you for a week to go on holiday - even though Ex-H came and fed you so you wouldn't have to go into a cattery but for goodness sake, enough with the fussiness over your food! Whiskas grilled stuff is now not good enough so I upgraded to Felix 'As Good as it Looks' which you picked at briefly. I have now resorted to some Gourmet Pearle eye wateringly expensive shite and a tin of tuna to tempt you back into eating but I'm telling you this cat - it's a bloody one-off!

Oh and another thing, when I shut DS1's bedroom door so you can't sleep on his bed as it makes him sneeze, please don't hiss at me and bite my ankle or you will find the toe of my slipper up your arse next time. I know it's your favourite place in the world but tough. You have plenty of other lovely places to sleep - including that special cat pillow we bought which you ignore.

Yours,
Smoo

Dear Cat

I spend more time over choosing your food than mine. I swap battle stories with people in the cat food aisle at Sainsbury's.

You used to reject tuna and all things fishy except plaice - causing me to donate the rejected boxes to the poor cats of the Blue Cross - in favour of Felix As Good As It Gets meat. And the one with veg in it. Which is really expensive.

Now you like tuna and a thing called saithe as well as salmon and prawn but not as much as cheap, kidney-desiccating biscuits.

I can't take this much longer.