"Dear Cat..."

[catsofa]

What do you wish you could say so your cat would understand?

Dear Cat,

No I am NOT awake yet.

What is that smell? I know it's something to do with you...

What do you dream of?

I go away on holiday sometimes but I promise I will always always come back to you.

Tell me honestly, do you ever jump up on the kitchen worktops when I'm not at home?

Dear ComfyCat

You are the best cat in the entire world and you smell like teddy bears. I know you don't like it when I say that but I don't care.

Please don't scratch on my door at 4am only to come in and bite me when I stroke you like the pathetically needy creature I am.

Only joking, you can do what you like!

Dear other cat

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop coming in at 2am to play "it" with the dog. You both are not at all funny and scare the life out of me leaping on me EVERY time!!

Dear Cats

Why wont you use the scratching posts I spent lots on money instead of my new sofa.

6am is not breakfast time, please stop sitting on head at 6am.

You will never be starved just because the dry food bowl is empty for an hour it does mean it will never be filled again, no need to stand the crying until I fill it up, then walk away without even eating anything.

Finally would be it be ok if I just shaved you both, I do not understand how you shed so much hair, and always all over my clean clothes

Dear Cat

There are lots of lovely places to sleep. You're welcome to anywhere. I feel guilty when I sit on the sofa and you spent our entire "us" time moving around every five minutes. Please sit and relax and get loved!

Why have you chosen the cheap, tiny kitty thing as your activity toy? We bought you a nice, new £5 dangly thing resplendent with fun things and you stuck your nose up at it. I do like seeing you with your fluffy, furry kitty toy though.

I worry when you snore. The vets says you are OK but I still worry.

I like how we have a morning ritual of serving your food, me going to the toilet and then you going for a shit. It makes us feel like kindred spirits.

I also find it amusing how you prefer to use your litter tray when I'm doing the washing up and in full view of your squatting arse. I thought cats were secretive about their toilet habits!

I love you very much, you fluffy ball of weirdness.

Dear boycat1 - I'm so happy that you are still with us despite chronic kidney disease and arthritis. I am really, really sorry that it took me so long to realise about the arthritis but I hope you are feeling much more comfortable now that you are getting meds.

Dear girlcat1 - I find it very funny when you sit on DH while he is sleeping, please keep doing that!

Dear girlcat2 - we're sorry that we have to shut you in at night now, but it's so that the neighbour's cats don't come in and eat YOUR food. You have a choice of two litter trays and two couches to sleep on... please don't come and complain next to our bed at 2:00 in the morning!

Dear young boycat2 - please get better so that you can come home from the hospital. And once you're home... snakes are fun to play with, we get that, but we prefer not to have them in the house. The place for cat litter is INSIDE the litter tray, not distributed for a radius of a meter outside it. Your food comes in a yellow bowl. Ours come in plates. Please distinguish between the two. I really appreciate your assistance when I'm studying but when you sit on my laptop or my books for too long it holds me back a bit.

And the whole lot of you... if you have to vomit, on the tiles please and not the carpets!

It makes us feel like kindred spirits.

Dear cat. Stop watching me in the bath, I KNOW I'm furless and it obviously disturbs you, but really, do you HAVE to?

And what has the green Ikea rug done to offend you so much? The only rug in the house and you puke on it every.damn.time.

Dear MamaCat, please leave the mouse entrails outside. As impressive as it is that you can expertly butcher a carcass so as to remove the stomach and skull, I do not appreciate stepping on them in the middle of the night. IN BARE FEET!

Please control your offspring. They are becoming feral.

Dear Boycat 1, the big pile of salt on the farm is for icy weather, not a giant litter tray. Hth. Butterflies won't hurt you. Don't stop running away from them though, it's hilarious.

Dear Boycat 2, stop winding up the bull. One day he will catch you tottering on the fence just out of his reach and I certainly ain't gonna argue with him about it.

Dear New Kitten,

I am not a climbing post- it hurts when you climb up my legs every time I cook.

I am so so sorry about my terrorizing toddlers. They love you really, and I am doing my best to protect you from them. Thank you for not clawing the ever loving crap out of them even though they deserve it

You have stinky cat farts.

I know you are desperate to go out, but you are still a baby and can't. Stop trying.

Even though I complain I secretly love it when you fall asleep under my chin.

Dear Cat,

Normal cats do not like water. So why do you insist in walking around in the shower as soon as I vacate it, drinking from the kitchen tap, and playing in puddles?

I'm sorry you'll never have a chance of learning your name when you can get called anything from pK to Scrap to Loulie to Bubbles, none of which are in the remotest way related to your name (although pK is your initials... after a fashion).

None of these things are scary (I promise!): flip flops, my bag with the butterflies on, the door mat, I could go on...

The living room window is not your own personal cat-door. Neither is the clean washing pile your bed.

Why do you always stand by the door miawing to be let in, and then run away as soon as I open it?

When you sit on my lap, please actually sit down. And don't complain when I have to move my hand to type - I'm a person, not just a cushion.

Were you really a German cat in a past life? Because I swear you respond better when I speak German than English (and have a beautiful miaw in response to "Bon Jour").

Don't ever change, because you are our mad cat, and you wouldn't fit into this family if you were sane.

All my love,

Your big sister

Dear Elder Cat,

We are all incredibly glad how well you recovered from your dentistry. You definitely seem brighter, despite the gingerly way you move and the increasing difficulty you have with the larger leaps. In addition, you may have noticed fewer flinches when you yawn - this is because your breath no longer rolls across us like the punishment of a wrathful God.

I'm acutely aware of how short our time together is growing. If there is one thing I could make you understand in all our human weirdness, it's how much and how deeply you are loved. Whenever the moment of leave-taking comes, my deepest wish is that you go into the dark knowing that our love is right there with you. Please keep nibbling our heads through the bannisters as we come upstairs. It may terrify visitors, but we all know it's your attempt to replicate us kissing you between the ears.

Dear Younger Cat,

I know you love me. I know you love only me. I know that anyone else is barely tolerated and avoided if possible. But your despairing wails if I look away from you for more than a minute are both pitiful and vastly OTT. I'm glad you have deigned to accept my girlfriend - the "staring at the back of their heads with eyes like openings to an unholy void" trick was a bit of a passion killer.

I do love you little one, even if you are the neediest female companion I have ever encountered.

Dear WeinerCat,

Make up your mind as to whether you want to be in or out. 9 times in one hour for me to open the door to you is ridiculous. Just use the window we leave open for you.

Love that you know when dd is settling for a cuddle before bedtime and that you insist on joining her. It's makes us all feel very special.

I'm sorry DH hates you. It's not really your fault, you're actually very sweet (albeit incredibly ugly). But we lost a dog nearly 3 years ago and he finds it very hard to love any animal since then. Please don't take it personally.

Lastly, what do you do with all of your food?!?!?! You eat more than a Great Dane and you don't even weigh 3kg, I need to know your secret.

Love you WeinerCat

Please don't eat bills until I've paid them, I know they're annoying but there's a reason they're out on the desk and not yet filed away in a drawer where you can't get to them - I still need them! You will be the first to complain if the gas is cut off and we can't have the heating on.

Dear Cat,

I know you love DH more than me. When I come home from work I get greeted at the front door with demands for a fuss, then a little food, before you go back to ignoring me. When DH opens the back gate, you rush out the cat flap you greet him as he puts the bike away. And on the days I work from home, there is a definite complaining tone to your miaows to him - what am I doing to offend you so?

Also, DH would like some privacy in the bathroom occasionally, and your habit of standing between him and the toilet could prove very awkward for you!

My darling cats,

I love you both. I'm sorry the boys have usurped you in the attention stakes, I try to share the love as much as possible.

Old bird you may be a bit grumpy, but you have endless affection.
Young scoundrel, your cheekiness still makes us laugh, especially when you look so beautiful and elegant but are actually a 'proper' cat underneath, doing as you pease, when you please.

However, please stop sleeping on the chopping board, my very expensive chair I am supposed to have exclusive use over and the babies cot is a definite no no.

Also, please stop bring in mice, shrews, birds and fleas. I'm so over the fleas.

But, I love your fluffiness, your absolute devotion to whoever feeds you and your funny little quirks.

Love me.

P.s you can't bribe the other human for more food, we do talk you know.

But I can see that you have already been fed this evening, sweetie, because there is still loads of food in your bowl. And a bit stuck to your face.

Dear JammyCat,

It is so great to have been able to see you slowly build up your confidence - I was very impressed with you defending your territory last month, you'd have never done that last year! It's still adorable how you purr whenever you see either of the neighbours' kittens though

I love the duck noise you make whenever you jump. I love when you cock your head to the side and have one ear flat. I love when you peer behind the curtain if someone is making too much noise. I love that you always greet me when I come home, even if I've only popped to the corner shop. I love how you always sense when I'm feeling down and come to my side. Basically, I just love you.

Dear girlcat1, DH would like you to know that he is ok with wriggling into bed and manoeuvring his 2m long body around you so as not to disturb you. (I'm ok with that too, it's fun to watch.) However if you are asleep slap bang in the middle of his side of the bed then he has to move you. Sorry.

To my late cat (3 years now) the weather was never going to be different at the front door to the back door. If it's raining out there it's going to be raining out here as well! (PS still miss you x)

To the kittens;
that lovely furry black cushion is not your mother, so stop trying to feed from it...oh go on then if you must.

the bathroom tap does not magically turn on just because you're stood under it
my legs are not a spring board for leaping across the room
when you're curled up together like that I could just eat you all up, but I don't mean it in a bad way. I won't be eating cat casserole tomorrow, no i won't mon petit dejeuner (the italics spoken in a particularly sickly talking to the cat manner that I only do when I'm on my own, apart from the cats obviously)

:) I tell mine I'm going to make her into a lovely pair of fluffy mittens - but only because she doesn't understand me!

Dear Cat, no I really am trying to move you this time, I really need a pee please do not go all floppy to make yourself difficult to move, it's not your civil right to sit on me for three hours straight!

Dear Mr Cory

You are my fat prince and the king of my heart. Since the first night years ago when we staggered back from the rescue centre, both exhausted and stressed, and I lifted you onto the bed, kissed your fat head and we both fell asleep for a dreamless 12 hours, I have loved you.

I love the way you sit with me on the sofa when I'm working and shoot evils at the mac. When you purr, your white muzzle steals into a smile, which is beyond lovely. I love the way I can talk to you about life and you don't pay any attention except to purr and roll over asking for a belly rub.

Giving you daily Dreamies is not for the faint-hearted - the doctor threatened to refer me for DV when he saw the scratches on me where you had jumped up - but your crunching, snuffling grunts of appreciation are like the sweetest music at 6am, which is not when you expect to hear celestial sounds.

When I'm frail with illness and exhaustion, you only ever ask me a bit too much - only as much extra as you know will make me laugh. In the night, if I'm ill, I only have to stretch a hand out in the dark to feel your soft solid purring back and I feel better.

Mostly, I love the way you saved me way more than I saved you.

Dear Cat#3
I feel truly honoured tonight that you have chosen to sleep on my lap. I don't mind siting as still as a statue, your warm purry furry body is making me feel so happy.
I know as soon as DH comes in you will abandon me because he is your one true love. Last night when DH thought you might be ill he was worried sick, so I guess the feeling is mutual.

When you came here you were so scared and skinny we were worried you wouldn't thrive. Watching you race around being naughty makes me so happy.
I'd prefer it if you didn't keep bringing in gifts of mice, we love you anyway, we don't need love tokens.

Do tell cats#4&5 that it's ok to be cuddled and stroked cos they aren't sure yet. Mind you, it's early days yet, at least they are fed, warm and safe now.

PS. Don't go on the road, I know you're smart, but it worries me. The garden and fields are much more fun.

Dear Cat,

I wish you could tell me your life story. Why did your owners move house and leave you behind. Were you re homed a couple of times or really in the rescue centre for five years. I'm sorry you had to have so many teeth out but isn't it lovely now to eat without pain. I know you don't do laps or like being picked up. Because you are 14 I worry how long i will have you. I know it's a one sided relationship but I'm a willing servant. I hope you love me half as much as I love you.

Dear Cat,

Do you know most cats don't spend nights at sea like you did?

Do you know it's not normal to be able to open external doors they way you do, break into neighbours houses via the window then open the doors from inside to let your other little cat chums into the house?

Do you know your meow sounded exactly like you were saying "mam" and twice you really did say "hello"?

Do you know almost 100 people paid tribute to you when you were killed by a speeding car?

Do you know this week there is an unmarked police car watching the street to catch speeding drivers because of the campaign we waged after you died?

Do you know how many tears dad and I have shed since you left us?

Do you know how much you were loved? And always will be?

And finally, WHAT was your obsession with watching me in the shower, you little freak?

All my love,
Mam xxx