"Dear Cat..."

[catsofa]

What do you wish you could say so your cat would understand?

Dear Cat,

No I am NOT awake yet.

What is that smell? I know it's something to do with you...

What do you dream of?

I go away on holiday sometimes but I promise I will always always come back to you.

Tell me honestly, do you ever jump up on the kitchen worktops when I'm not at home?

Dear Cat

Our local Sainsbury's has a dedicated cat food aisle. They have no other aisle devoted to non-human species. All the other pet food is just budged up. Dogs with hamsters with budgies. They get on. You would find this an alien concept.

You eat food from the human aisles too.

Dear cat,

You spend the vast majority of your time curled up in a ball, looking grumpy if anyone dares to disturb you. So what on earth compels you to start racing round the house at 3am?

I do sometimes wonder if you worry that I have too much money, so you start inventing a malady that I means I have to spend £500 at the vets, only for it to mysteriously clear up. Maybe you have shares in Vets4Pets?

Pork scratchings are human food and you’ll do yourself a mischief if you try and eat one.

I’d quite happily never get a proper night’s sleep again if it means you’ll be around to miaow/sit on my feet/bat my face with your paw to check I’m still breathing

The hoover hasn’t eaten you yet – it’s unlikely to now

I know you miss your sister since we lost her last year but I hope that you’re happy and know that you’re loved and I’d be lost without you

Dear cat,
I like it when you come in to cuddle me in the night but could you just come and lie down without all the fuss?
It is not appropriate to sit on my lap while I'm breastfeeding a baby, and on that subject, if you get too close to her you can expect your tail to be pulled - she thinks you are a fascinating toy so just keep out of her way.
Finally if the living room is not sunny at 6am my bedroom won't be either - they both face the same way. This is not my fault!
PS you get away with all these things because you are beautiful and we love you xx

I am still laughing at the asbo Burmese comment upthread

I don't think there is any other kind of Burmese!

This thread has had me laughing and in floods of tears, sometimes both in the same post! Bloody hormones.

Dear kitten 1: Yes, you are beautiful, we know it too. I know you love your Dad more than me, I've accepted it. I get cuddles when he's out. Thanks for accepting the new kitten so easily. You are a tortie so we didn't expect it. Please don't climb up my legs when I'm washing up, it hurts.

Dear kitten 2: You have the stinkiest farts in the world. I am in the early stages of pregnancy, with a sensitive nose. Please don't fart on my lap. I'm glad you're getting better from your rough start in life. I love your chilled-out laziness and funny little ways. And no, farting while I'm typing this is NOT funny.

Love you both x

Dear Boycat
You know we've lived together for nearly four years and I've NEVER hurt you on purpose? There's really no reason to flee from the room when I enter late morning, or flinch when I try to stroke you. Why are these things so hateful to you yet in the afternoons and evenings you are so friendly?

What is it you want when you scratch up my brand new carpets? Please stop doing it, and taking advantage that I am too pregnant to jump up and stop you.

Please stop coming to our bedroom window and mewling in the middle of the night. Yep, we were stupid to let you in the first few times, we thought it was cute.

Please come and sit on our laps more often, we love stroking you.

Dear Girlcat
You're so kickass, I love that about you. It's a shame you're too stupid to play with toys like your brother but hey ho, you enjoy chasing your own tail for hours so that makes me happy.

Dear Bullycat, who doesn't live here.
Stop terrorising my cats.
Stop coming into my garden and my garage. Your territory is enormous, leave us alone. I hate you.

Dear Cat,

Why do you insist on pooing right outside the front door? I find it rude and insulting. You have a) a litter tray b) a house with bedding plants in big muddy beds c) a residential area full of gardens with bark chipping and bushes etc to choose from but nooooooooooo.

Yours,
Failed Cat Trainer

Dear all of you

I cannot say how pleased I am that you are each intelligent enough to realise that I will not get up at unholy o'clock to feed you but that dh will, and that means that he is the one you jump on at 6am

Dear little one - would you like a cat friend or are you not happy being the only cat since we lost our old girl cat last summer? I know I'm out all day for a long time, but are you lonely or are you happy just pottering around? I'd love to give another little cat a chance of a happy life but don't want you so stressed you might run away.

I wish you would stop clawing the carpets & weeing up the side of the sofa-I know it's probably because you're just marking your territory but I now have to replace all of my flooring.

Sitting next to the food cupboard & miawing is not gonig to get you an additional pouch given you've only recently been fed & your bowl is still half full. I can't help it if you lick the jelly/gravy/juice off the food then don't fancy the rest. I am not running an all you can eat buffet.

Even with the weeing and scratching, I love you lots more than most people I know and I love it when I find you at the foot of the bed every morning staring at me & purring :-)

Please stop chewing my hair though - it's not nice!

Dear S Cat (you know I'm talking to you) - losing you last year was truly heartbreaking but in the end you were so poorly, it was time. I know you hated taking your tablets but in the end when you stopped eating, I knew something was seriously wrong.

When I visited you at the vets the night before, I knew you'd had enough & fate intervened the following morning - you went quietly and without pain. I brought you home, wrapped you in my scarf and buried you in the garden. I hope you like what I did there - I made you a special place and have lights around you so I can see where you are at night. I often go and sit by you, quietly. We had 18 years together and I'm so grateful for the unlimited joy, special purrs and heartwarming funny moments you brought into my life.

Your little brother cat seems OK, I think he misses you but he gets to be top cat now which is only fair & I bet you're pleased you don't have to deal with him chasing you anymore!

Still miss you little one. If you and all my little cats are there to greet me at the other side, I will be very happy indeed.

Dear cat,

you are not a lion hunting down a wildebeest so please stop acting it out on the poor old dog!

X

Dear Fatboy

I dont mind you waking me up early sometimes by slapping my face, but could you put the claws away. I look like edward scissorhands.

dear Cat,
It is not nice when you dig your claws in when you are padding them on my chest. I do not like you climbing under the duvet in the middle of the night.
Oh, and your food stinks.
I'd rather have a budgie sometimes!

Dear cat
It cost me over £100 to get a cat flap fitted in my double glazed back door. Do you realise I had to find a specialist to replace part of the glass with insulated board that the flap could be fitted into? Propping it open so the wind howled through while you learned how to use wasn't fun either. Neither did I enjoy laying ham and treat trails and lying on the floor in the howling gale waving ham at you to encourage you through. I'm really pleased you can now use it comfortably and confidently.
However I do find it just a teeny bit annoying that you have now decided that you prefer using the front door..it is the pitiful meowing either to get in or out that I find irritating ... if you are that desperate use your fecking cat flap!

It would also be helpful if you could decide you no longer like that make of cat food before not just after I buy a pack of 12 cans. And following me around meowing because you have decided you no longer like that particular cat food will not miraculously make another type appear in the cupboard - you will have to wait till I get to the shops.

And please stop leaving your bits of kill on the half landing for me to narrowly miss stepping in on my way to my first coffee of the day...

Also I love the fact that you wait and come up to bed with me every night to get your good night cuddle...you really deserve the attention. But it would be really helpful if you could not stand on my bed waiting for me to get in in the very place I want to sit down so I can take my socks off...if you did you would get your cuddle quicker...

Dear FatBoy

Why are you always so bewildered? You walk into the room, scan it, look perplexed and leave it again.

It's not like anything has radically changed.

But thank you for becoming a cuddle cat in recent months - I love how you have taken to sleeping all night by my side.

Dear Little One

When I chose you, it was because you were so timid and quiet. What went wrong - you never shut up. You full on moan at me all day. But I utterly adore you - especially as you have recently learnt that lap cuddles are the best thing ever.

But if you could stop talking for a minute so I can concentrate on the telly, it would be good.

Your feeder.

Dear Cat
I got you to replace my much loved old cat who I hand reared and was devastated to lose.
You were my idea, I persuaded male human to have you, I toilet trained you, I buy your food, pay for the vet etc etc etc - you were me at to be MINE!!!
So why so you only tolerate me and unconditionally adore DD? She's allergic to you anyway!!!

Your needily
Xxx

Dear Cat (s) (can't actually pin this one down),

Stop pissing behind the telly and near the fish tank.

Re-learn how to shit in other people's gardens (buried, of course), rather than leaving steaming parcels on ours. Have you never heard the wise old saying: don't shit/piss on your own doorstep?

Thanks.

Please could you sit on my feet? They're cold!

Dear Cat,

You are not a dog. Please stop trying to drink out of the toilets. You will only encourage the dog.

Please stop scaring the dog. He is a huge baby and gets worried when you start on him. This also makes him try to curl up on my lap for comfort and, while this is cute, at seven stone he is a little heavy.

Please stop growling at the dog....that is HIS water bowl, he is allowed to drink out of it. You have your own water bowl on the table next to your food.

How come you have a go at the very large dog but are scared of the chickens?

Do you realise that when the little shit neighbours cat corners you in the front garden, it is the dog that growls through the window and scares the bastard cat away? Maybe you could try being a little grateful?

Yes you are very cute when you 'smile' at me but for the love of god wash your face. Your eyes are crusty and disgusting.

Also, where did your fang go? It was there a few days ago, and now it's gone.

Also, when using the litter tray, please get your arse fully in so I don't have to scrub the carpet.

Dear three Oldboys,

I still miss you all so much. No more I can say.

Dear girliecat
I know I went on holiday, but FFS, grandma came twice a day and spoilt you rotten, please speak to me!

Dear fatboy
Your tummy is scrummy, I know, but grabbing my feet and then rolling on them whilst I'm still in motion will end up in disaster. But tell me, just what is it you keep knocking round the wooden floor at 3am? I can never find it but Christ, it's noisy.

Dear noisy one
I have bought you an expensive water fountain which I lovingly sort every morning. There is no need to sit in the sink wailing till the tap is turned on.

To all 3 of you, thank you for being so scrummy, cuddly, noisy, giddy, loving and helping my poor broken heart. I love you all so much.

Dear Mr Cat

You were the best present I have ever had. When xh left and you used to put a paw on each shoulder and purr in my face, I think you probably saved me. You have quietly accepted and adapted to all the changes in my life in the last 13 years and although I don't give you as much attention now as I used to, I love you so very much.

When dh was first around, he was a bit miffed that I would ask him to move so that I could get out of bed his side rather than disturb you, but I think he understands now that it's because I can rely on him to get back in, whereas you would decide to go somewhere else.

Now. About that dog. I know he's huge, but he really is terrified of you. The clue is in the way he puts his ears back, whimpers a bit and lies down on the floor looking sheepish when you're around. He weighs more than 8 times as much as you, but if you decide to eat from his bowl, he'll sit quietly and wait for you to finish. Please come back to sit with us in the evenings; we miss you.

Dear Cat

I relax in the bath after a hard day at work. Stop climbing into it with me. You are a cat and are meant to hate water.

Stop watching me pee.

Who builds the little pyramid of cat toys on the hearth rug every day? I know you hate sharing toys but it is a tad freaky.

Without you I get up for a pee when the alarm goes off at 7am. With you sitting on my bladder and purring loudly I get up at 5am. You then circle my ankles yowling to be fed. Stop it.

Dear cat,

Please don't cry that you're not allowed on the roof anymore. But it is a roof, not a toilet.