Should I tell my friend her dog stops me staying over?

[Sidebeforeself]

Im not a dog owner so Im looking for experienced views please! My good friend got a dog about 3 years ago - a mixed breed. It’s not a breed I particularly like . The issue is she has hardly trained him so he jumps up, barks etc. Also has accidents.

I just do not find him pleasant to be around.The problem is though this pretty much prevents me from going to her home. As she lives quite far away I would normally stay over but havent since she got him.

She has commented on this and I always make an excuse, but Im wondering whether I should be honest. I think she would be hurt. It’s her house, her dog etc and I of course I cant tell her what to do in her own house. But frankly the only way I can face visiting is if she shuts him away somewhere but even then thats not fair on the dog!

Would you be hurt as a dog lover if I told you this? Is there any compromise? I dont think shed end the friendship over it but you never know!

I think it's better to tell the truth than make up a load of reasons.

I'm a dog owner and I wouldn't be offended, especially given the dogs behaviour. You'll need to go about it in a gentle way though.

Thanks. I am struggling to hide my discomfort so I think she probably suspects anyway but I dont want to hurt her feelings . Although if Im honest I do despair that she hasn’t done much training with him.

My dog is like this, although well trained, my best friend sends him mental - in a good way, he just thinks she's loads of fun, but he brings her all his toys jumps up around her and just can't settle. Luckily she more than puts up with it, but if she told me that she wouldn't come round because of him, I would totally understand

I dont think this dog is particularly excited to see me. My friend says he jumps on everyone. Her only tactic is to shout “get down” a few times and eventually he does.Thats not training in my opinion.

Be careful to avoid saying it’s her fault and it’s badly trained. No matter how true that is, it’s one she’ll take badly,

You can say that, to be honest, you’re not at all comfortable around the dog.
If she asks why, you can say that it’s because he’s so excitable, jumpy.
And that you aren’t a doggy person so find the accidents and behaviour difficult to deal with.

Is it a cockerpoo?

I’ve got a friend who hasn’t trained her very yappy dog that can be aggressive sometimes and I hated going over there so I started to train it. The dog responds to my commands and neither she nor the dog seem to mind. I feel a lot more comfortable being around it now.

Yes it is!

Ive never had a dog so wouldnt know how to train it. Plus I cant go very often so it wouldnt make any difference.

I was going to ask this, they are absolutely crazy bundles of fluff when anyone visits... I have one and honestly he is like a dog possessed when people come who he knows! And when we come home it's chaos with him, it's how their brains are wired, they are like an ADHD child excited to see you.
Maybe spend more time with the dog and youl come to like it and that might help your friendship. Personally if someone didn't like my dog then I wouldn't want to be friends with them , I love him more than most humans 🤣

Best be honest - your friend may be thinking she’s done something wrong or you just cba any more.

I'd be honest, but phrase it very gently and not placing any blame on your friend. As a PP says, your friend might worry she's done something wrong or think you've gone off her.

I agree that it's best to be honest. I have my dog with me all the time and often meet people who are allergic or feel uncomfortable around dogs and I always try to handle it sensitivity (and am not in the least offended).

If it's particularly bad when you arrive, I'd suggest trying to meet them outside the home (e.g. meet in a nearby park) so you're not such an exciting new arrival and then you could go back to her house together.

By being honest you and she can discuss things you could try or ways around it in a way you can't if you don't tell her.

I'd rather you were honest, but wouldn't be personal about it. Otherwise I'd wonder if you were trying to hint that the friendship was something you don't really want. I wouldn't be offended.

You'd go if the dog was locked away for a bit, so just let her know that visiting houses with dogs makes you anxious, so you don't visit for that reason. A bit of a white lie maybe, but it gives her the option to find a solution or accept it.

It depends how long you visit for too. Half an hour, I'd lock my dog away. Two hours, I wouldn't because that's mean to the dog. If it's that long I'd be happy to meet your somewhere else instead of my home. It's my dog's home, they live here, so anyone visiting has to accept they will be around.

I visited a friend and politely asked her to not let her dog jump up and she barely spoke to me all evening. That’s how defensive dog owners can be.

It’s good to be honest. But she has shown herself to be oblivious and inconsiderate about the impact on you so far. Just be mindful that she might not be as reasonable and as understanding as you might hope.

Another suggestion that might help is that the dog is present but on a lead. I sometimes do that when I'm around young children or elderly people. My dog is well-trained and 'safe' but it only takes one accident and his future as my assistance dog would be at risk so I like to be cautious and careful.

The friend could react badly but at least the OP would have the moral high ground and would have behaved reasonably and given her friend a chance. As it is, she's avoiding the friend which could be hurtful and confusing.

Your friend will react badly, I’m not sure what the answer is

i wear long sleeves and trousers to avoid all the scratches at my friends and point the dog back to my friend as soon as I get there rather than saying anything. I don’t stay that often and the dog isn’t allowed in the spare bedroom so I just put up with it. I know easier said then done

I would tell her that you were not comfortable around her dog because of jumps and barking but I wouldn’t suggest any strategies. She needs to figure them out herself.
I wouldn’t mention lack of training or dog’s character. You are not comfortable around him but other people might be ok (no way I would go to her house ).

Agree about not saying "you havent trained your dog" or "your dog is neurotic" etc

Just simply say "I'm bit put off because the dog, while cute, is also so excitable and I'm worried about being scratched/clothes damaged etc"

If she is open to adjusting (dog on lead for a bit until s/he calms down is a good idea) then she'll make a suggestion.

Ultimately be prepared for the friendship to wane though. It is something I considered and accepted before I got my first dog. Dogs are and can be depending in the breed, excited to see new humans in their home and are unlikely to behave like a concrete block. I considered that some of my friends wont like dogs or the excitement they can have, or that I womt he able to visit them very often or for as long etc etc and decided that ultimately having a dog 24/7 is what i want more than seeing a particular friend once every two months, if that makes sense.

If it really badly behaved - jumping all over you after you have sat down, clawing your clothes, scratching, barking in your face, licking etc that is one thing...

But a dog being animated and excited at a (clearly friendly) person coming into their home is a dog being a dog. Some people won't like even that and might not come as much, and that's ok... but i pre-accepted that before i got her if you see what i mean.

Luckily, though my friends havent changed and they're all fine. But it is something that new dog owners (hopefully) consider. A dog is a whole lifestyle that changes your free time, routines and the vibe in the home - and some friends might not fit in with that new lifestyle.

Morning All. First , thanks for being so understanding. As dog lovers I thought you’d all be mad at me!
I do think honest is the best policy. I will say I’m nervous around dogs that jump and bark ( true) but not suggest a solution myself until I see how she responds . Then I’ll suggest a shorter visit at first ( even though it’s quite inconvenient for me but I’m the one with the issue )
Forgot to add .. she doesn’t keep up with his grooming either so he’s often quite stinky!

If you are not that bothered and want the friendship to fizzle out then say something, however (and I speak from experience) if you value the friendship then say nothing.

You will upset & hurt her feelings and it will never be the same again.

You cannot say anything in any kind or acceptable way to dog owners/ dog lovers.

As a member of their family it’s like telling them that you can’t stand their mother/child, it does not go down at all well.
It’s not the best when you ask if they can shut them in another room as it’s the dogs home too so should not be forced out.

Meet away from the house and pet is my advice.

I’ve never had a dog either.

I don’t think it’s my place to try to train her dog. Plus it’s not as if I go regularly enough to make a difference

Yeah, I get it. Luckily my friend doesn’t mind.