So lost - heart is breaking and DP says no to another

[ChairSpinner]

Hello.

6 weeks ago (I know, it's not long) we lost our beautiful, wonderful boy. He was old and tired, and slipped away in the sunshine. We are both heartbroken and devastated.

We don't have children, he really was my boy, from the moment I met him. My partner had him a good few years before we met - this is important.

I am really struggling, having no one to care for or be responsible for. I am searching for anything to fill the void but there is nothing. I just need to have another dog in my life. I can't cope like this, I feel lost and pointless.

DP initially said I should do what I want, that he wouldn't say no to a dog but that it would be mine. I should have just gone for it then, with hindsight. It's now a flat out no. Because he doesn't want another, he will never replace his boy (I don't want to replace him, that wouldn't be possible). However, he told his parents that if he wants another dog in a few years, then he will have one. He says his grief is worse because he knew him longer, because he was HIS dog. A lot of what he says I don't bite at because he is grieving, but it hurts. And a really petty part of me thinks that fine, if in a few years he wants one, I'll say no.

I work in a wonderful, dog-friendly office, near a huge park, so a dog would come with me, all day.

We said we would do all of these things when we could, but have realised we don't want to, after all. We still go on walks across the fields, which breaks my heart without our boy.

DP said get one but that's us done. I understand he is grieving, I really do. So am I. It's not just his grief, but he doesn't see or respect mine.

I can't not be a dog mum. I just can't. I am empty and lost. And I know I am grieving, it's not about replacing my boy, it's about saving myself. I don't even want to go home at the moment..

I can't foster, because a dog would need to come into work with me, and I've looked at Borrow my Doggy but it's not going to cut it (and the biggest walks would be at 6am before work and lunchtime while I'm at work).

I just need to give up any hope, don't I? I don't want to force it on him, but equally, and I know him, if he wants one he'll just get one without really considering my opinion. It really winds me up, and I don't know what to do. I can't talk about it with him anymore. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and tells me to stop thinking with my emotions.

Your whole life seems to be run around having a dog. If this is sucha big deal to you then live on your own and you can have a dog. Depends how much having a dog adds to your happiness. Maybe some counselling would help to get your life priorities in order and avoid making decisions which you coukd regret later on.

No, you can’t force it on him. If you want a dog more than you want him, then leave and get a dog. But six weeks is very soon and he’s obviously devastated, he might change his mind. Talk to him about how you’re feeling.

Thank you, both.

We agreed not to have children because he didn't want them (turns out I can't anyway, so probably good we never tried), and he refuses to get married even after a decade together because "as soon as the law gets involved men lose everything", so I am really quite good at being patient and respectful of his wishes.

My life isn't run around having a dog, I just don't have any other "reason". I go to work, go home, walk, study, sleep, go to work again. It has been such a part of my life, I am really struggling without and don't want to wait until DP decides he is ready, because even if I say no, he will do it anyway.

I know he is grieving. He is devastated. We both are. I just cannot cope with having nothing. I do love him, but I do not love his selfishness or inability to see someone else's needs or pain. I can't even get upset in front of him now, because I have to control my emotions and not let them "blind" me. I understand grief makes people angry and guarded, but it shouldn't mean only they are allowed to feel the grief, surely? It shouldn't mean only what they say matters?

My husband has a dog . I don't want it , I don't like it and I wish I'd have said no instead of being outvoted . If we got rid of him now it would break us apart as a couple . Yes he would sling me out for the dog or leave with the dog .
That's what you've got to think of. You said yourself it would bear you up , would you rather a dog than your husband . That's what it could boil down to
Let him make the decision
Did the other dog go to work with yiu everyday like you're suggesting this one would ?
My husband and daughter said they'd walk it round the block everyday , they don't do it course they don't.
Listen to yiur husband he might eventually agree to one

Thanks. He's not my husband - so it wouldn't break a marriage.

Other dog didn't come with me, because it was 'his' dog, and he works from home. I also didn't work where I do now when we first met.

My DP would have left with the dog, indeed he would. And if we separated any new dog would com with me.

I'm just a bit pissed off at why he gets the final say? And I know that if he wanted one and I said no he would get one anyway.

I feel quite underappreciate and ignored, like my feelings come an absolute second. He tells me he's lost the most important thing in his life, the only thing that ever really meant anything, and I am trying to excuse it as grief but it is hurting now, and what I want, or need, doesn't matter

This is the dog board so I am no couples counsellor!

I do understand the grieving and we all grieve differently.

However your DP's reluctance to see how you are grieving is upsetting.

I would feel hurt if my DP said I just could not do something and would leave if I did. I would not be happy with anyone controlling my decidions.

Of course some decisions have to be joint and I understand that but from what you have written it does seem like he has the final say in many things.

In a relationship I would like to see more understanding and compassion.

Never said this before but LTB would be in my thoughts.

OP I hope you can work out a solution but think what is best for your life.

decidions = decisions!

What you want and need, does matter - A lot.

Trust your gut, dont let him gaslight you,. Your feelings are valid and he needs to acknowledge them

You’re going to start resenting your DP anyway, so tell him you’re getting a dog, and if he leaves, he leaves. Why should he rule your life over all major decisions? It doesn’t sound like he respects your views at all.

This doesn't seem like it's really about a dog.
It seems like he is quite self-centred and doesn't like women very much.
If this catalyses you leaving someone who doesn't seem to care much about what you want in life, go for it.
But maybe have a think before a new relationship about why it is so hard for you to advocate for what you want when it comes to major life decisions.

I have been so close to leaving, but I am not sure if that is the grief or me finally seeing the wood for the trees.

OMG Gaslighting - he started a fight a few nights ago (even recorded it on his phone) and accused me of gaslighting him. funny enough, my mum about 3 years ago said she thought that was what he was doing to me.

There's no point me trying to talk to him, he'll just shout and tell me I'm upsetting him and being insensitive. So I'll just carry on feeling lost and empty until I know what to do.

My heart is broken and that emotion is clouding a lot of things, but I don't think it is wrong to want to bring another dog into my life.

I think this is about more than a dog. Relationships are about compromise, give and take and respecting others people’s feelings. I get the impression this isn’t the case here.

I have always been crap at standing up for myself. I can fight anyone else's cause, stick up for them, have their back, but I never speak my mind, because when I do it's never what people want to hear.

I've never felt able to be sad, or angry, I'm just always expected to be stable and supportive, be the shoulder to cry on and the ear that listens.. My own fault, I've been like that since I was a child.

Perhaps this is our DDogs gift to me, showing me the light!

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are both feeling raw at the moment and your DP may be feeling he couldn't go through the death of another dog if you were to get one.

Having said that and after your other comments about him, he seems typical of so many men I read about on MN; that they are the boss and their decision is the final one (it's actually opened my eyes to some of my DH's behaviour).

I would give it 6 months and see how you feel then. If you still want a dog, go ahead and get one. It's possible your DP may also change his mind, but along with that I would seriously consider whether you want to stay in the relationship.

I’m so sorry you are hurting, there is no pain like it and not everyone understands the grief of losing a dog.

To be fair, both of you need to be on board if you are to get another dog as a couple.

But…if having another dog means so much to you, leave him and get one. It really is as simple as that.

I have always had a dog in my life and am miserable without one. They make me smile every day and fill a need in me. So now my dog is a non-negotiable.

You have to decide what makes you happy. Your DP and his attitude wouldn’t make me happier than having a dog (not many men would to be fair) but only you can choose.

I just want to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful old girl a few days ago and the pain is indescribable. No answers I'm afraid, but sorry again for your loss x

And I know that if he wanted one and I said no he would get one anyway.

I feel quite underappreciate and ignored, like my feelings come an absolute second. He tells me he's lost the most important thing in his life, the only thing that ever really meant anything,

Op, seriously. Ditch him and get a dog.

Your OH is being very unfair.

I could not imagine life without a dog and, thankfully, DH feels the same.

DH had 2 dogs when we met 43 years ago and we have had a dog or dogs ever since apart from a gap of 2 years. That gap was because we were so heartbroken at the loss of one particular dog (the one that we had had from a young puppy as all the others were rescues) we could not face getting another dog knowing we would one day lose him.

I, like others, think this is about so much more than getting or not getting a dog.
OP, your partner sounds quite controlling and you don't seem happy in your relationship.
The dog seems like a catalyst for the problems within your relationship.

So so sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my old girl last summer and felt exactly like you do, I always knew that I'd have to get another as soon as I could after losing her. Like you, we don't have children and I absolutely love looking after a dog.

My DP wasn't fussed either way although he does like having a dog, but he knew how much I NEEDED a dog. So we got one. Best decision I ever made, I miss my other dog so much and would give anything to have her back even for 5 minutes but having another to care for kept me going through the toughest days. I knew she needed looking after so I got myself out of bed everyday and she kept me so busy that I'd didn't get much time to sit and dwell.

I was going to say perhaps your DP needs a bit more time but tbh you update sounds as though he generally doesn't care about your wants and needs and everything has to be about him.

Lose the partner, get a dog.

Thank you all, and thank you for the condolences.

I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I lost dogs and cats when I was a child, but I guess the responsibility for them didn't lie with me so the loss never felt this great.

Yes, I think I will have to wait a few months and see where I am. And then make a decision (although I have seen the most adorable rescue, I know there will be others in a few months..).

I think you are right, this goes deeper than just the dog, but it has shown me his true colours. This grief, in his eyes, is all his. His emotions and feelings matter, not mine, or anyone elses..

On a more serious note, it's telling that he was initially OK with getting another dog (as long as you would look after it). From what you have said about his behaviour, I would guess that the very fact that you want a dog so much is his motive for saying no now. You have inadvertently handed him power over you.

LTB - not because of the dog, but because he's a controlling twat.

I lost my 7 yr old boy to lymphoma a week ago today.It progressed very quickly and I'm still hurting.
I have a nearly 2 yr old dog and I don't know what I'd have done without her here.
The house would seem really empty iykwim.
I'd give yourself time to grieve then think about getting another dog to love.

I'm also so sorry to those of you who have lost your fur babies - it really is an awful pain, and so many people just look at you like "it's just a dog", it isn't.

The house is deathly quiet, I am staying later at work to avoid being there