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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

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Original poster

So lost - heart is breaking and DP says no to another

112 replies

ChairSpinner · 10/10/2023 13:36

Hello.

6 weeks ago (I know, it's not long) we lost our beautiful, wonderful boy. He was old and tired, and slipped away in the sunshine. We are both heartbroken and devastated.

We don't have children, he really was my boy, from the moment I met him. My partner had him a good few years before we met - this is important.

I am really struggling, having no one to care for or be responsible for. I am searching for anything to fill the void but there is nothing. I just need to have another dog in my life. I can't cope like this, I feel lost and pointless.

DP initially said I should do what I want, that he wouldn't say no to a dog but that it would be mine. I should have just gone for it then, with hindsight. It's now a flat out no. Because he doesn't want another, he will never replace his boy (I don't want to replace him, that wouldn't be possible). However, he told his parents that if he wants another dog in a few years, then he will have one. He says his grief is worse because he knew him longer, because he was HIS dog. A lot of what he says I don't bite at because he is grieving, but it hurts. And a really petty part of me thinks that fine, if in a few years he wants one, I'll say no.

I work in a wonderful, dog-friendly office, near a huge park, so a dog would come with me, all day.

We said we would do all of these things when we could, but have realised we don't want to, after all. We still go on walks across the fields, which breaks my heart without our boy.

DP said get one but that's us done. I understand he is grieving, I really do. So am I. It's not just his grief, but he doesn't see or respect mine.

I can't not be a dog mum. I just can't. I am empty and lost. And I know I am grieving, it's not about replacing my boy, it's about saving myself. I don't even want to go home at the moment..

I can't foster, because a dog would need to come into work with me, and I've looked at Borrow my Doggy but it's not going to cut it (and the biggest walks would be at 6am before work and lunchtime while I'm at work).

I just need to give up any hope, don't I? I don't want to force it on him, but equally, and I know him, if he wants one he'll just get one without really considering my opinion. It really winds me up, and I don't know what to do. I can't talk about it with him anymore. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and tells me to stop thinking with my emotions.

OP posts:

Ilikeyourdecor · 10/10/2023 16:02

Your DH sounds a bit like my ex. In that relationship, everything was great as long as we did what he wanted. Most of the time, because we had a lot in common, I wanted to do what he wanted anyway. So it took me a long time to realise that he was living his life exactly as he wanted, and I was just tagging along like his accessory. He didn't want to get married or have children either. We broke up because I started insisting on doing some things for myself.

Is the problem that he feels it's too soon to have another dog? Or that it would be yours and not his? Are you sadder about the thought of never having another dog, or breaking up with your dp?

WaveyGodshawk · 10/10/2023 16:02

ChairSpinner · 10/10/2023 15:55

Thank you, all. If I wasn't at my desk I'd have cried a little.

Yes, I think this has shown the issues run deeper than the loss alone, that has just been the catalyst.

No savings, no - to be fair, I have funded pretty much everything for our entire relationship. However, I do earn enough that I could support myself very comfortably if I just had my outgoings. And there are lots of no-deposit rentals around here, too. And a few pet friendly.

I do, 100%, understand his heartbreak and grief. What I can't get my head around is the selfishness. It's really hurting me knowing that he's putting himself first, entirely, and I don't seem to factor. If I mention it, he'll just say I'm being insensitive and he's not taking anyone's feelings or emotions into account anymore. I've had to train myself not to cry when he gets arsey with me, because then he just shouts and tells me the tears mean nothing and it's just how women get their own way.

God, what have I done.

This is so sad. He is a pathetic man, he resents you for the fact that you outearn him and provide for the nice things in life when he's not able to do it for himself.
Forget about his grief, he doesn't care about yours.
Big unmumsnetty hugs to you. You are worth so much more than this, I can tell!
Life can be so much better when you're not surviving daily living with a man that resents you and all women for not being the subservient creatures men like him want us to be.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 10/10/2023 16:07

Please do not get into a sunk costs fallacy with this man, where you convince yourself you have to stay, because it's too painful to face up to the fact that you maybe should not have been with him in the first place. What is done, is done. I'm sure there were some good times, as well as bad, but please don't give up the chance of a happier future 💐

HappiestSleeping · 10/10/2023 16:07

It sounds like there is more going on than just the loss of a dog, however 6 weeks is quite soon. I felt the same way when I lost my first dog. It took a while, but I got another. And another. Now I am sat next to my rescue shithead labrador who is just coming up 3 and hadn't had much training for the first 2 and a half years.

I have often thought I was rigid about things, but have softened over time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2023 16:12

So he's financially abusive as well as a wanker.

JustMaggie · 10/10/2023 16:18

Grief does weird things to people, and six weeks is very soon. I would give it a few months and then bring up the subject of a new dog again and see what he says. Maybe he'll come around and all this selfishness is really him dealing with his grief.

Worldgonecrazy · 10/10/2023 16:25

Sorry about your dog.

I strongly believe that, with so many rescue animals in desperate need, anyone who can offer a loving home to a pet is morally obliged to do so. Definitely get another dog.

Sadly your partner has shown his true colours, and I expect willl play the hurt/grief card if you challenge him and promise to change ….. only you can make the decision but you have had some good advice on this thread,

IHaveAskedYouThriceNow · 10/10/2023 16:33

Haven’t read every reply, but this is making me so angry on your behalf.

He decided you wouldn’t have children.
He decided you wouldn’t get married.
He decides you can’t have a dog.
He decides he can have a dog in a few years if he wants.

Where are you in this relationship?
He’s a cunt.

Leave him, get a dog, live happily ever after.
(Honestly, please ditch him, everything you’ve written makes him sound like a waste of oxygen).

RedHelenB · 10/10/2023 16:34

6 weeks seems a bit too soon to replace a pet. But it's not just this issue is it? He's selfish, wants everything his own way. Are you really happy in this relationship, you need compromise in any relationship surely?

MerryMarigold · 10/10/2023 17:00

I think you need to be a bit more in control the relationship. It's not fair currently. You sound ideally placed (financially) to put your foot down on this. I would say to him:

I understand you are really, really sad. But I need a dog. It will be my dog. I know you don't feel ready and perhaps you never will so I'm not asking anything from you. I'm planning on getting a dog in December and I've started looking at places to live if it will be too difficult for you to live with my dog. Please let me know if you want me to stay.

SeptemberSky · 10/10/2023 17:13

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow puts my thoughts very well. Please leave this man. You are still relatively young with lots of your life ahead of you.

Yetanothernewname101 · 10/10/2023 17:40

Okay, so there are two separate, yet related, issues here.
First, I dreaded the thought of an empty home without a dog so much, we got another and ended up with three at one stage... so I completely understand how you're feeling and think wanting a new dog is reasonable. It's not to replace your old dog, I don't think they can ever do that, not when you really love them. So you need to get out there and find your next pup.
The second issue is that your DP has shown their true colours over this, in a way that can't be unseen. I would be walking away, and cutting your losses. He doesn't sound like a nice person, and his justification for not getting married just shows how he wasn't all that committed to you and expected you to split up! And for you to take him to the cleaners... Honestly, you need out of there.

Yetanothernewname101 · 10/10/2023 17:45

MerryMarigold · 10/10/2023 17:00

I think you need to be a bit more in control the relationship. It's not fair currently. You sound ideally placed (financially) to put your foot down on this. I would say to him:

I'm liking the way your post goes, but it's still giving him the power to make a huge decision about their lives, and minimising, if not removing completely, her right to choose whether she wants to stay with him.

Soontobe60 · 10/10/2023 17:48

ChairSpinner · 10/10/2023 13:50

Thank you, both.

We agreed not to have children because he didn't want them (turns out I can't anyway, so probably good we never tried), and he refuses to get married even after a decade together because "as soon as the law gets involved men lose everything", so I am really quite good at being patient and respectful of his wishes.

My life isn't run around having a dog, I just don't have any other "reason". I go to work, go home, walk, study, sleep, go to work again. It has been such a part of my life, I am really struggling without and don't want to wait until DP decides he is ready, because even if I say no, he will do it anyway.

I know he is grieving. He is devastated. We both are. I just cannot cope with having nothing. I do love him, but I do not love his selfishness or inability to see someone else's needs or pain. I can't even get upset in front of him now, because I have to control my emotions and not let them "blind" me. I understand grief makes people angry and guarded, but it shouldn't mean only they are allowed to feel the grief, surely? It shouldn't mean only what they say matters?

Have you ever wondered why you live with this man? He sounds very controlling!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/10/2023 17:57

@ChairSpinner He's a selfish arse. It's heartbreaking when you lose a beloved pet. Your grief matters as much as his.

His bills are not your responsibility. Don't feel guilty leaving him to it.

Leave. Find a pet friendly rental. Settle in & then get your own dog. You are not replacing the one you lost. You are loving another one and giving it the best life possible.

Take charge of your life. Make your own decisions. Best of luck Op

plominoagain · 10/10/2023 17:58

Everything seems to be about what he wants , doesn't it ?

But what do YOU want ?

A warm comfortable gentle life , free from having to train yourself not do things , free to do what you wish , be who you wish . And with a dog .

No contest as far as I can see.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2023 18:17

Oh and I'd see a lawyer about the house. If it was bought and paid for before you got there, it's his. But if you've been paying towards it, you might have an interest in it. Get legal advice.

Acornsoup · 10/10/2023 18:22

I am hearing 'he wants' 'he wants'. No kids, no marriage and now no dog. What about what you want? What you need to feel happy is important too. Why is his word law in your relationship?

NoCureForLove · 10/10/2023 19:03

Why are you with this horrible abusive man who clearly hates / fears women and seems to think he's the boss of you whilst exploiting you?? Seriously, why?

Please leave him. Get a dog and think about some therapy for yourself. You deserve a LOT better.

HerMammy · 10/10/2023 19:10

I've been through this heartache several times and it is truly devastating. Your not so DP sounds a nasty piece of work, trained yourself not to cry to appease him is truly appalling.
Please leave him, adopt the rescue dog and be happy.

CatChant · 10/10/2023 19:40

Your dog’s last gift to to you is to show you your partner in his true light and it’s showing him to be a thoroughly nasty, selfish, gaslighting, abusive piece of work.

Get rid of this horrible man and get a dog.

Floralnomad · 10/10/2023 20:24

Firstly sorry for your loss and secondly leave this awful man before you waste any more of your time pandering to his feelings .

coolkatt · 10/10/2023 23:14

i'm sorry but when did his
word become the final say?
i hear this all the time, i'd love a whatever but my man says no, wtaf?!
if your partner knows you well enough then he would
understand the need for an animal in your life . i am the same could
not be without a cat or a dog. i understand he is grieving but then he can say look it's a bit soon for
me but i promise i will discuss when the time is better, especially if he knows you are pinning. not just say maybe, then no, end of.
no. that is not how it works.
but you need to make up your mind if he says quite decently, well i just don't want any
more
dogs
in my life, no matter what u want, what you are going to do.

coolkatt · 10/10/2023 23:20

and i'm sorry i have just read more of your posts and replies and he is a total twat, he is using u for money to help pay the bills. leave this mutt and go get your self 1 or 3 or 7 new dogs, they will
love you more
than this sado ever will x

MrsPottomous · 10/10/2023 23:22

I think you are answering your own question really here. Your partner is selfish and will do what he wants without considering you- that is the base line. Get a dog and if he leaves - wave bye and get over him. You have needs and you have wants - he doesn’t get to veto these.

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