So lost - heart is breaking and DP says no to another

[ChairSpinner]

Hello.

6 weeks ago (I know, it's not long) we lost our beautiful, wonderful boy. He was old and tired, and slipped away in the sunshine. We are both heartbroken and devastated.

We don't have children, he really was my boy, from the moment I met him. My partner had him a good few years before we met - this is important.

I am really struggling, having no one to care for or be responsible for. I am searching for anything to fill the void but there is nothing. I just need to have another dog in my life. I can't cope like this, I feel lost and pointless.

DP initially said I should do what I want, that he wouldn't say no to a dog but that it would be mine. I should have just gone for it then, with hindsight. It's now a flat out no. Because he doesn't want another, he will never replace his boy (I don't want to replace him, that wouldn't be possible). However, he told his parents that if he wants another dog in a few years, then he will have one. He says his grief is worse because he knew him longer, because he was HIS dog. A lot of what he says I don't bite at because he is grieving, but it hurts. And a really petty part of me thinks that fine, if in a few years he wants one, I'll say no.

I work in a wonderful, dog-friendly office, near a huge park, so a dog would come with me, all day.

We said we would do all of these things when we could, but have realised we don't want to, after all. We still go on walks across the fields, which breaks my heart without our boy.

DP said get one but that's us done. I understand he is grieving, I really do. So am I. It's not just his grief, but he doesn't see or respect mine.

I can't not be a dog mum. I just can't. I am empty and lost. And I know I am grieving, it's not about replacing my boy, it's about saving myself. I don't even want to go home at the moment..

I can't foster, because a dog would need to come into work with me, and I've looked at Borrow my Doggy but it's not going to cut it (and the biggest walks would be at 6am before work and lunchtime while I'm at work).

I just need to give up any hope, don't I? I don't want to force it on him, but equally, and I know him, if he wants one he'll just get one without really considering my opinion. It really winds me up, and I don't know what to do. I can't talk about it with him anymore. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and tells me to stop thinking with my emotions.

Agree with this, honestly I would leave him, he doesn’t care about your feelings about anything, what he says goes, there is no way I could live like that and the fact if he wanted a dog and you didn’t he would still get one just goes to show your feelings mean nothing.

As a long time dog owner, I know how you feel- they really are a part of the family.

But your OH? Hmmm- does he control you in other ways? What happens when you want to do other things- does he insist he's right and you are wrong? What's your financial situation- who owns the house, are you dependent on him financially?

How long have you been together? If he had the dog before you, then not most of your adult life.
How he is acting now is a wake up call- that and his comments about marriage are red flags- any more and it looks like bunting and not the fun sort.
Take some time to think- lots of questions to ask yourself.

Sorry for the loss of your DDog. We had three dogs. Swore we’d never have three again (so much work) but when our girl died at 14 years at Easter the place felt empty. We’d go for walks but it wasn’t the same. I’d feel empty every time we walked by another dog (our other oldies just have a sniffy walk now so I missed striding out with my girl).

After a few weeks I suggested to DH that we look for another. He would have been happy to just have the boys but he knew how important it was to me. So we picked up our rescue four weeks ago and she’s mended all our hearts.

That’s what caring partners do for each other. Of course, you both need to be on board before having a dog but the fact you had one up until recently means he’s reasoning makes no sense at all.

Given what you’ve also said about children and marriage suggests you have bigger issues, and now you don’t have your DDog, maybe those issues have come to the surface. I guess the question is, do you accept his way, or make your own. It doesn’t seem like he’s interested in any compromise from what you’ve said sadly. Honestly, I think if I was you, I would resent him.

We have been together almost 11 years. He owns the house outright, no mortgage, bills all in his name. I earn the the larger salary, and provide the most financial support. We have no financial ties.

I'm coming up 40, so not too wet behind the ears. I've made shitty relationship choices historically and have always seen this as the best of them - it's not been great, and he is very much in charge in our relationship, and, for my part, I have let him be. I acknowledge that, and also know I probably should have left years ago!

He does just seem a bit more heartless than usual now. I have put it down to DDog passing, but who knows, perhaps I am just seeing things clearer. I am honestly so upset, by the loss, and by his attitude to my feelings. Whenever he talks about it, especially to his parents, it's all just "me, I", never about us.

I do resent him. I'm starting to really dislike him and his attitude to me. We had a big row not long before DDog dies, I said I would move out, his first comment was that he would need to find a way to earn more in that case. I should have seen the light then.

Sorry, this perhaps doesn't belong in The Doghouse after all!

I clicked on this because I’m a dog person, but your latest comment is horrendous and nothing to do with the dog. Your understandable grief at losing DDog is the tip of the iceberg here. It will fade with time, but you’ll still be with a selfish person who has made no provision whatsoever for you financially through sharing his assets while being happy to take your income, who expects you to fall in line with his demands while providing no support to you.
maybe one reason you miss DDog so much is that he loved you more deeply and sincerely, in his doggy way, than your partner? If this was me, I’d seriously reconsider the relationship and get another dog instead.

I think you have the solution to your problem.

There are better, good - really good - men out there.

It doesn't belong here. I think you've made your primary loving relationship with DDog so that you can put your kind, sweet emotions there and in turn be loved unconditionally.

DDog passing has should that there is a gaping hole in your relationship with your partner because he is a selfish misogynist.

Don;t get a dog right now. Move, find a dog-friendly place, make it your own, then get a dog. And don't live with a man again. Your radar is off and You need a safe, happy, doggy home to be happy.

All the best

If you were in a better relationship your pain would be ‘just’ about the dog. So much of your upset is coming from your partner’s behaviour. It sounds like your relationship has been iffy for a while, and what you KNOW is that you need a dog. So live alone and get the pooch of your dreams.

I think you have two choice here;

1. stay with your partner, don't her a dog and live an unhappy, unfulfilled life.

2. ditch your partner, get a dog and be happy 😁

Just reading your posts he seems very controlling, I would be disgusted if my husband tried to control my decisions by saying he'd leave if I chose what he didn't want.

Don;t get a dog right now. Move, find a dog-friendly place, make it your own, then get a dog. And don't live with a man again. Your radar is off and You need a safe, happy, doggy home to be happy.

Very much this, I really wish you hadn’t funded his mortgage free home, he’s really pulled a fast one on you. You are young enough to start again in your own home with your own dog, I really hope you can move forward with your life soon. I’m so sorry you have lost your dog, I know only too well the heartbreak.

Sorry for your loss. Your OH sounds horrible. Please seriously consider leaving him asap.

He sounds like a shit partner.
i hope you've been able to save a big lump sum while he's been living off your higher earnings while protecting his asset?
the time is clearly right to move out to your own place and get your own dog. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would choose a dog over a man who comes out with gems like this he refuses to get married even after a decade together because "as soon as the law gets involved men lose everything" anyday

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, although pleased to hear this has you assessing the status of your relationship as he doesn't sound very pleasant. This could be a wonderful opportunity for a new life for you, let DDog give you one last gift.

I think you need:

1. a home of your own.
2. a dog of your own. (Or maybe 2 dogs.)

I've read all your posts. He sounds like a selfish, nasty man and I think you should leave him and have all the dogs you want. I get your love for dogs and your need for one in your life. I'm the same. People who aren't won't get it but I do.

I'm sad to hear about your dog, and about your situation.

Maybe it's just too soon for partner to get a new dog?
Like you mention yourself, 6 weeks is not a long time. Perhaps he will need more time.

The single best thing we did when our old dog died was get another. 6 weeks is ages, imo.

Your partner doesn’t sound very nice. If it mattered that much to me, mine would do anything to make me happy.

You can be sad about the old dog and happy to have a new one. They’re not exclusive.

He doesn’t sound nice at all, OP.

He can get a new dog when HE wants, but you aren’t allowed to get one?

Leave him, find somewhere dog-friendly to rent. Get as many dogs as you like.

Please leave this man. You're not married, you don't have children, you're not breaking up a family because he doesn't consider you his family, you're just an appendage to his life. Nobody deserves that. Free yourself and get a wonderful new fur baby.

Thank you, all. If I wasn't at my desk I'd have cried a little.

Yes, I think this has shown the issues run deeper than the loss alone, that has just been the catalyst.

No savings, no - to be fair, I have funded pretty much everything for our entire relationship. However, I do earn enough that I could support myself very comfortably if I just had my outgoings. And there are lots of no-deposit rentals around here, too. And a few pet friendly.

I do, 100%, understand his heartbreak and grief. What I can't get my head around is the selfishness. It's really hurting me knowing that he's putting himself first, entirely, and I don't seem to factor. If I mention it, he'll just say I'm being insensitive and he's not taking anyone's feelings or emotions into account anymore. I've had to train myself not to cry when he gets arsey with me, because then he just shouts and tells me the tears mean nothing and it's just how women get their own way.

God, what have I done.

There's more going on than the loss of the dog. Yes, you are grieving for a much-loved, beautiful pet. I understand that part - although I've been like that over my cats (the last one being almost a year ago).

You are so unhappy - not wanting to go home isn't just because you miss the dog, it's because you're not happy with your bloke. You also don't appear to have anything else happening in your life - friends/hobbies/family, etc. Perhaps you need to think about what YOU WANT. Another 10, 20, 30 years of being with a man who will never marry you or treat you as an equal? Don't make the mistake of staying and regretting it when you're in your 50s or older.

Yeah, I couldn’t be with someone who had so little regard for my feelings and opinions. Get yourself out and then you can get yourself a dog once you are settled.

Oh OP my heart goes out to you. Condolences on the passing of your beloved boy. I lost mine 10 years ago and I still miss him and have a little cry sometimes.
I think my situation at the time was very similar to yours.
I left. You should too. The gaping hole of the unconditional love from your dog is showing you exactly the kind of relationship you are in, with a selfish misogynist.
Leave, fine your own lovely space and welcome another darling dog into your life x

Wow, I could never be without a dog. Both my partner and I are dog lovers. He sadly lost his old girl last year. Terribly sad. I have 2 dogs and he helps looks after them lots. I do want him to also have his own dog but the time isn't right. My two are 15 now and a puppy wouldn't be fair. We will wait and when the time is right I'll get him his own dog. The when mine cross the bridge I'll get another for myself.
I am so sorry this is happening to you x