So lost - heart is breaking and DP says no to another

[ChairSpinner]

Hello.

6 weeks ago (I know, it's not long) we lost our beautiful, wonderful boy. He was old and tired, and slipped away in the sunshine. We are both heartbroken and devastated.

We don't have children, he really was my boy, from the moment I met him. My partner had him a good few years before we met - this is important.

I am really struggling, having no one to care for or be responsible for. I am searching for anything to fill the void but there is nothing. I just need to have another dog in my life. I can't cope like this, I feel lost and pointless.

DP initially said I should do what I want, that he wouldn't say no to a dog but that it would be mine. I should have just gone for it then, with hindsight. It's now a flat out no. Because he doesn't want another, he will never replace his boy (I don't want to replace him, that wouldn't be possible). However, he told his parents that if he wants another dog in a few years, then he will have one. He says his grief is worse because he knew him longer, because he was HIS dog. A lot of what he says I don't bite at because he is grieving, but it hurts. And a really petty part of me thinks that fine, if in a few years he wants one, I'll say no.

I work in a wonderful, dog-friendly office, near a huge park, so a dog would come with me, all day.

We said we would do all of these things when we could, but have realised we don't want to, after all. We still go on walks across the fields, which breaks my heart without our boy.

DP said get one but that's us done. I understand he is grieving, I really do. So am I. It's not just his grief, but he doesn't see or respect mine.

I can't not be a dog mum. I just can't. I am empty and lost. And I know I am grieving, it's not about replacing my boy, it's about saving myself. I don't even want to go home at the moment..

I can't foster, because a dog would need to come into work with me, and I've looked at Borrow my Doggy but it's not going to cut it (and the biggest walks would be at 6am before work and lunchtime while I'm at work).

I just need to give up any hope, don't I? I don't want to force it on him, but equally, and I know him, if he wants one he'll just get one without really considering my opinion. It really winds me up, and I don't know what to do. I can't talk about it with him anymore. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and tells me to stop thinking with my emotions.

6 weeks isn't long, give your dh time. We lost our dog nearly 3 months ago and my dh especially, is still heart broken. My dd mentioned getting another dog and my dh got quite annoyed with her as he's still grieving. I'm going to broach the subject in the new year.

Can I ask why you can't foster? Will work not let you bring one in if it's fostered

@ChairSpinner

I'm so sorry for your loss. DH and I have always had dogs but one of them was my 'once in a lifetime' dog. The one you just connect with on a special level.

But the reason for my post is because you need to give serious thought to your future and your happiness. It seems to me that you have framed your life around this man and his 'needs'. He's had it damned good these last years. Everything has been the way he wanted it. He called all the shots. Now it's your turn. You need to stop now and look at what you want.

So, picture yourself in your own little flat or house. Picture the rooms decorated the way YOU want them. Picture the 'house rules' being the rules you want. Picture not having anticipate and cater to his moods and foibles. Now, picture the dog of your choice cuddled next to you on the sofa.

You aren't married, there are no children to worry about. You have no financial entanglements. You have the money to leave. Think about how easy it could be. "I no longer love you. You no longer make me happy. Good bye".

Thank you all for your replies, sorry for going quiet - work went manic and then I went home.

My poor choices with relationships are a hangover from childhood, I'm sure. And something I now see I need to address properly.

The house was his before we met, it was purchased outright with inheritance, and I wouldn't want to make a claim against it even if I were entitled. I'm more of a 'clean-break' person and I don't need it. While the bills have been paid 99% by me and my income, I haven't paid any rent for the duration, so it evens itself out in that respect, at least in my eyes.

I have found myself the last few days yearning for my own space, to hang the artwork and photos I have collected over my life, in my home. None of them are up here, they're all in boxes or stored at my mum's home, who lives a couple of counties away. This whole thing has really opened my eyes to my situation. I live in his home, not mine. Nothing is for me to decide. He makes out I have input but I know the final choice will always be his.

Don't get me wrong, he has supported me through illness and upset, but when I look back, I can see that those events all came with a shelf life. He would get bored of talking about things and so we would stop talking about them. He gets bored if I talk too much about work, so I keep it minimal. I have become trained into this way of thinking, and acting. I have seen it as normal, when it isn't.

He said yesterday I needed to stop looking at dogs as it upsets him. Of course, I 100% accept that. He's had DDog a long time (almost twice as long as we've known each other). It has devastated him, but I feel like that grief is being used as another weapon against me. He also said, again, "get a dog", with the caveat: but it's yours and I can't have it running around the house when I'm trying to work (I can't say what he is doing as it is super outing, if this thread isn't already). I suspect he only said that because he could tell by my demeanour I was finding it hard to stay level headed when I got home, and he knows I won't just go and get a dog when it's not welcome in the home by all parties.

Thank you to those who have said you understand. I know some people wait years before they get another dog, generally though (and I do mean generally), those people have kids or grand kids to occupy them and distract them. The silence at home now is deafening, and the emptiness is all-consuming

When we lost a dog at 12 months to a freak accident we actually ended up buying another puppy within the week. At the time, I worked from home with nobody else there all day and knew I wouldn't get through the winter without someone to look after and get me out on walks. It didn't mean that I wasn't desperately sad about the puppy we lost. I carried on mourning her for years, she was gorgeous. But we are quite capable of holding two strong emotions in our hearts at the same time. The two pups were quite different temperamentally: the one we lost was a gentle little soul and the next one was a bit of a bandit, so it felt very different.

Though when the bandit's replacement goes (she's 13 now) it may take us longer as she has been a longer presence in our lives and we would like to do some travelling.

Oh I am so sorry, how desperately sad to lose such a young pup.

Yes, we talked about travelling "when we could". That won't materialise, as I often said it wouldn't. DP has no desire to leave the country (nor do I, to be fair, I spent years living abroad and am rather fond now of a British summer). So just another excuse on the table to not get a new dog.

I'm sure your 13 year old has plenty of time left, yet!

So far she's doing well, but she has a few conditions going on. She's a lovely girl, if still very naughty, and it will be awful when she goes. Trying to enjoy her while we still can. We've lost a few other dogs to old age and I know how much it hurts.

I understand what you are going through OP, both with your dog and your partner. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

One thing that has come to my mind is for you to be careful that if he senses that you are withdrawing he may well go out and get a dog to try and keep/trap you there.

Good luck whatever you decide and I hope your future has a peaceful happy place in it for you. With all your things around you, your own peace and contentment, and hopefully at least one wonderful soul dog.

Ah he’s moving goalposts too. Can’t have a dog because it’ll stop us travelling. But the decision to travel is down to him and if he says no, then there’s no travelling. And then you go around in circles and ultimately, he’s had his way. That sounds exhausting and also draining. My MIL has lived a life like this for many years. She knows my FIL is ‘controlling’ but in her words, ‘she’s used to it now and it’s not going to change’. That’s not a life. What do you want from life?

Do you think you developed such an attachment to your dog because your partner is a selfish emotionally unavailable arse?

Yes, goalposts change frequently, and then when I can't deal with it any mor and get angry/upset, it becomes my fault for causing arguments and saying horrible things, which I always seem to end up apologising for (I need to remove sorry from my vocabulary).

I certainly did develop a close bond with DDog because it was pure and true love, no strings and no demands, other than to be there.

It has crossed my mind that he will give in and say yes to keep me around, I don't think that will happen, though.

I get that perhaps he really doesn't want another dog, completely. But I need something, some reason, other than a good job, to get up and out and do things. And just going for walks across the fields, dogless, isn't cutting it for me, it's like rubbing salt in the wounds. I feel so broken.

Start house hunting
Start puppy finding
Start your new life, it’s there waiting for you to grab it, your beloved dog would want you to be happy, do it for him in his memory.

I have sent a few enquiries for properties to rent today, I will see if they lead anywhere..

Also the question re fostering; the rescues local to me won't let you take a dog to work daily, it has to have "a stable home life", so not be out of the home 5 days a week, unfortunately..

Never said this before but LTB would be in my thoughts.
op Id be thinking that too, I think I’d be weighing up the relationship and seeing, dog aside, where you are. I’ll admit his reason for not getting married isn’t great either. But relationships have their crap, every one finds, it’s just a matter of ether you are happier with a dog and no dp x

I am sorry that your loved dog has died.

I hate dogs and even I think your OH is being somewhat harsh! - not just over this, but his general attitudes are unacceptable. He does not sound a caring or thoughtful true partner.

Sorry, but it sounds like this is more than the loss of a beloved pet. Your partner seems very insensitive; I appreciate he’s grieving, but to say that the dog was the most important thing in his life is to really put down your relationship. I really think you’d benefit from some counselling to help you work out where to go from here. I know you’ve invested ten years into this relationship so it’s hard to walk away, but how do you think your life will look ten years from now if you’re still together? If you were in a truly happy and mutual relationship I doubt your life would feel so empty. Good luck x

I wish you the very best @ChairSpinner

I'm glad to hear you're looking at homes to rent. And I'm sorry that childhood trauma has led you to this man. Fortunately dogs are great therapy for trauma. I hope you find a new dog-friendly home soon.

@ChairSpinner

It has crossed my mind that he will give in and say yes to keep me around, I don't think that will happen, though.

Even if he did it would only be to have another stick to beat you over the head with. Soon the dog 'he didn't want but got only because YOU did' would be a weapon to use against you to keep you compliant and 'in your box'.

And yes, he wants to 'keep you around'. But not because he loves you in an honest and true way. It's because victims are very hard to find! He has you under his thumb and uses emotional blackmail abuse to get his way. It feeds his ego and need for power. So trust me, it's not love for you that makes him want you around. It's just that he doesn't want to have to take the time and effort to find and 'break in' a new victim. Too much work!

Aw OP I'm so sorry. Losing a dog really does hurt.
I think you should find somewhere nice to live. Out put your pictures up. Get a new dog bin this bloke. He's a selfish nasty twat.
Be happy. Please

Pleased for you op that you've looked in to renting

Things aren't fair from what you've said, you deserve to have a second dog to love. Sending you strength and I hope you keep us updated.

He sounds quite unkind and controlling. Do only his decisions matter?
It doesn't sound like he dislikes dogs as he loved his dog. It isn't that it would change his lifestyle. He literally just doesn't want another and is prepared to walk away if you get one. Maybe you would be better off with the dog. It doesn't sound like he cares much about what you want or how you feel.

Leave DP get a dog x

This isn't a dog issue it's a DP issue.

Well I think your lovely dog has given you a very clear message - you want dogs in your life. They bring so much, I completely empathise. However your partner sounds like a waste of time. Sorry but he is disrespecting you and your feelings. Plus the history you've mentioned, I'd take this as a sign to move on and live the life you want. We don't have long on this earth, so get enjoying yours again, get your own place, do what you want, not what someone else allows. And get some dogs 😁

Oh op, life is for living happily, and if a dog gives you happiness, then you absolutely should get one. We also said no more dogs after losing our last lab a couple of months ago. Like you we wanted the freedom to travel etc, but once we had the freedom I had no motivation, and lots of things could be done with a dog in tow anyway. So my husband reluctantly said he wanted nothing to do with it, it would be my dog etc if I got one.
I visited our local rescue and returned with a lurcher pup. A month down the line and my husband is quietly besotted with it. I can't advise on other issues with your relationship, married 38 years here and I didn't think twice about getting a dog. I think your own needs are important here.