So lost - heart is breaking and DP says no to another

[ChairSpinner]

Hello.

6 weeks ago (I know, it's not long) we lost our beautiful, wonderful boy. He was old and tired, and slipped away in the sunshine. We are both heartbroken and devastated.

We don't have children, he really was my boy, from the moment I met him. My partner had him a good few years before we met - this is important.

I am really struggling, having no one to care for or be responsible for. I am searching for anything to fill the void but there is nothing. I just need to have another dog in my life. I can't cope like this, I feel lost and pointless.

DP initially said I should do what I want, that he wouldn't say no to a dog but that it would be mine. I should have just gone for it then, with hindsight. It's now a flat out no. Because he doesn't want another, he will never replace his boy (I don't want to replace him, that wouldn't be possible). However, he told his parents that if he wants another dog in a few years, then he will have one. He says his grief is worse because he knew him longer, because he was HIS dog. A lot of what he says I don't bite at because he is grieving, but it hurts. And a really petty part of me thinks that fine, if in a few years he wants one, I'll say no.

I work in a wonderful, dog-friendly office, near a huge park, so a dog would come with me, all day.

We said we would do all of these things when we could, but have realised we don't want to, after all. We still go on walks across the fields, which breaks my heart without our boy.

DP said get one but that's us done. I understand he is grieving, I really do. So am I. It's not just his grief, but he doesn't see or respect mine.

I can't not be a dog mum. I just can't. I am empty and lost. And I know I am grieving, it's not about replacing my boy, it's about saving myself. I don't even want to go home at the moment..

I can't foster, because a dog would need to come into work with me, and I've looked at Borrow my Doggy but it's not going to cut it (and the biggest walks would be at 6am before work and lunchtime while I'm at work).

I just need to give up any hope, don't I? I don't want to force it on him, but equally, and I know him, if he wants one he'll just get one without really considering my opinion. It really winds me up, and I don't know what to do. I can't talk about it with him anymore. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and tells me to stop thinking with my emotions.

I have to admit I can actually totally understand where your partner is coming from. When DH and I settled into our first home a couple of years ago we brought home our puppy, he’s absolutely amazing and I adore him, literally love him so much, he’s 2 now and absolutely my best friend. Then in June this year, my old family dog (my mum and dad’s, but we got her as a family when I was 10, so I really did grow up with her) died aged 15, so an amazing age, and we were all there to say goodbye.

The first thing I said to my DH when I got back from that vets trip was that although I love our boy, he’s amazing and my little baby, if I had realised how horrific that day would be, saying goodbye to our family dog, I would never have gotten our dog. If my old family dog had died before we got our dog, truly I would never have got him. Don’t get me wrong I love our dog so much and I would never be without him now he’s my best friend and my little shadow, but if I could have known the pain and upset of that final vets trip before he came home, I wouldn’t have gone ahead and got him.

Your partner brought that dog home as a puppy, and although you joined the family you say yourself your partner spent every day with the dog while working from home as well as being the one who raised him from a baby, I can’t say I blame him at all for right now saying he can’t face having another dog in his life. It’s perfectly fair for him to say maybe in a few years he might feel differently, right now he’s grieving his dog, the one he has spent every single day with for the last however many years. If my partner had been questioning me about getting a puppy 6 weeks after I had to say goodbye to my family dog, I would have been so angry and upset.

Thanks, @Mrsttcno1 I really appreciate your view on things.

I think this whole situation has brought to light a lot of things about our relationship that really do mean it shouldn't exist. From not having children to not getting married, everything has been because he does or doesn't want it. I have allowed it to be that way, and the heartache and grief that I am feeling now has nowhere to go. I'm not allowed to mourn or be sad. Indeed, he said to me last night he can't live with someone who is going to be sad and melancholy. My grief doesn't have a space in his life, at all.

I have been DDogs mum for over half of his life, that has been belittled and made inconsequential. I understand he had DDog from a pup - but he didn't want a dog then, either, his ex did. He was theirs, not his, and when they split he refused to leave DDog with her. I don't know what she was like, but I can tell you now I don't believe what he has told me about her, not having heard stories from his mum, so I think even that was an element of control, and then he also had someone else to blame for being "lumped" with a dog. He's one of those who has always just had horrible exes, you know? Never a good word to say about them, however long they stayed together.

I can't go through my life anymore, feeling that my emotions don't matter and are secondary. I understand he might not want a dog, but I do. And I can guarantee now that if I didn't and he did, he would go and get one. He said as much last night. I said so why can't I then, he said "you can, but we can't stay together". He then also said I wouldn't be strict enough with one and if he did agree it would have to be a breed he chose that he thought I could look after (small and female, were his words).

For context, I had a lovely dog when I lived abroad, a great big Greek shepherd dog, male, and perfectly trained. But that doesn't count, apparently.

I think I just need to completely acknowledge that I am in a toxic relationship, and it is no good for either of us.

I’m so glad you have seen him in all his technicolour hideous glory OP, the death of your darling dog has given you clarity on who he really is. I’m so sorry you are struggling so much with your loss, I found the first few weeks incredibly hard to even function the pain was so great, gradually over the passing months it has become a little easier to bear and I have a supportive husband who understands, so your pain not being acknowledged and having to hide your feelings must be torturous. I hope you have friends or family who will help, if not there are pet bereavement counsellors and helplines which might help you, I also found solace on YouTube where there is a lot of support on how to cope with the loss of our dogs. I really hope you become free of your awful partner very soon.

@ChairSpinner

I have allowed it to be that way, and the heartache and grief that I am feeling now has nowhere to go

It does have a place to go. It can go forward. You can harness that pain and turn it into the energy and the determination to make your life what YOU want it to be.

He has no 'hold' over you, not anymore. It may not feel like it but you have already broken those chains. YOU DID THAT!!!

Don't look back. Hold the love you felt for Ddog close to your heart, that man can never take that from you. Those we love never truly leave us, and that includes the pets we have loved.

Find yourself a new place to live. Give yourself a few months to catch your breath and settle into your new life. Then you'll be ready to be a dog mum again.

Get rid of him, get a dog 🐶

He sounds hideous @ChairSpinner , I hope you have success finding a new home quickly .

@ChairSpinner maybe ask mnhq to move this thread to the Relationships board, or even start a new thread there?
Even reading the board back in my bad old days helped me realise what I was going through with my ex wasn't normal, or right. And I got so much support any time I did post (under different username)
Thinking of you x

Setting the dog issue aside, he sounds abusive.

Move out, get rid of this weight around your neck, get a dog if and when you want to honestly life is too short to waste on this man.

You will see when you've left how happy you can be. Trust me, I know through experience.

The more I read of your posts the less convenienced i am that he's cut up at the loss of 'his' dog and more that he's controlling you with the loss of the dog and he's using that to berate you.

Sounds like you were looking for love and you found it in the dog and now the dog has gone you need to feel love again because you aren't getting it from your DP.

Honestly, I think the time has come and the dog has given you a sign. You will be happier with your things and a dog than you are with this man who seems to ignore your pain and focus on himself. Having a dog has improved my life 100% and I now would not accept anyone telling me I could not have one . good luck xx

DDog has set you free OP. This was his last gift to you, and I wish you a wonderful happy future filled with the love he has shown you that you deserve. I hope when you leave, and I believe that will be soon, you find peace and happiness elsewhere. 💐

He just sounds controlling to the point of abusive. I truly hope you find somewhere suitable to rent, or even go stay with a relative or friend until you find somewhere. Your needs matter. You matter.