Struggling with my puppy

[Scaredypup]

I’ve tried. I’ve really really tried. I desperately want to rehome her but my kids would be devastated as would I. I would want to get another a puppy. I’ve wanted one for so long and I planned for years, I’ve done everything right. I just want a ‘normal’ dog that we can enjoy spending time with.
shes 9 months old, she’s unable to go for a walk because she’s so fearful. I can drive her to the park where she’s ok but then she’s so massively over stimulated by every single thing that she’s wired for the rest of the day. She has some obsessive behaviours such as scratching kitchen appliances and the sofas. This means we can not sit invite living room with her at all as. If I have her in the living room I have to actively be doing something with her and then remove her as soon as the activity is finished. She doesn’t know how to settle. She used to settle ok in the kitchen behind the gate but has not taken to crying and barking unless I’m in there with her. I’ve spent more than 6 months of my life sitting in tbe kitchen and I’m sick of it. We can’t move freely around our home, have to be so careful with doors and gates as she’s so destructive.
she also occasionally attacks my 9 year old. He’s so good with her and most of the time he’s nowhere near her, she’ll just go for him for no reason. I thought it was trying to get him to play but now I’m not so sure.
move paid for a behaviourist, and a trainer, she’s on anxiety meds but we’re getting nowhere. Luckily she’s fine on her own but I just want to be able to take her for a normal walk.
I’ve been taking her to the park in the car most days so she’s getting exercise but it doesn’t help her behaviour at all.
my life literally revolves around behaviour management, training, laying out enrichment activities in the street like a lunatic, counter conditioning, I honestly do so much and it’s never enough. I have no life anymore. My kids are shut in their rooms.
I thought a dog would be our best friend and as much as we love her she’s having such a negative impact on our lives. There’s nothing really to enjoy with her.
before anyone asks she’s a frowned upon cockapoo from a great breeder and all of her siblings are fine.

You need the help of a registered behaviourist - if you contact your vet, they'll be able to refer you to someone and it should be covered under your insurance if you have a decent policy.

What does the breeder say ?

What colour is the pup ?

OP I hear you. It is so very very very hard living with a dog with "issues".

I see people literally grieving for the dog they thought they were going to get.THey put in hours and hours of work and see little progress.

Everyone else (who does not live with the dog ) will have advice and you have to listen to it and all it does is increase the (incorrect) guilt that you feel that you have not done enough. The advice is well meaning but usually way off but it is enough to make your question things.

Did the behaviourist suggest the medication or was it the vet?

A qualified behaviourist should be able to support you and you should be able to be completely honest in how you feel and how the situation is in real life. D not hold anything back from them. Let them know everything and how you are feeling. A large part of their job is to see a holistic approach and if the outcome will be realistic.

I very much doubt that it is cocker rage which I think is being suggested up thread. In real life it is extremely rare.

Give yourself some days off to decompress, stop the enrichment it will not hurt your dog for a while in fact it may help the dog to chill. Leave the dog and go out for a great walk with your kids.

Also be that person when you feel ready and hassle you behaviourist, emails let them know what you need help with, get them to tweak and make things work for you if they can.

@coffeecupsandfairylights yes I have a vet behaviourist and a trainer. We’re not getting anywhere. She has so many issues she’s never going to be normal I don’t think.

@KangarooKenny She’s black. The breeder did offer to have her back but I’ve really tried, I don’t want to give up on her but also can’t carry on like this.

@PollyRoulllson this is it. I’m literally grieving. I think about getting a new pup every day to fill that void but I know I can’t bring a second dog into our home. The behaviourist prescribed the meds. Definitely nothing like cocker rage, she only does it sometimes with my son. It’s frustration and probably some anxiety. She’s a very frustrated conflicted dog.

But you’ve already said you want a different puppy. The breeder offering to take it back is the second best option, after it settling with you.
Theres no shame in saying it’s not working, both the puppy and your family deserve to live your best lives, not living like you currently are.

I have a very anxious dog, sensitive to noises, but we adore him and are happy to adapt our lives to suit. We’ve not got little kids now so its easier for us, but I do know what it’s like.

Give it back to the breeder but do not get another dog

I'm not really sure that giving this puppy back and getting a different one is the solution. What if the next one is no different, what if your household environment is overstimulating and adding to the problem? Perhaps look to give this puppy back to the breeder as offered and rehome an adult dog where you know it's personality more, rather than potentially risk leave a string of failed puppies in your wake

Yes, back to the breeder

She's not getting enough time walking either as you say you only take her 'most' days - so she's not a suitable breed for you if you don't have the time

My springer needed a good 2-3 hours a day broken up so he didn't go stir crazy like you're describing

My DM rehomed a puppy we had when I was a child. I was upset but got over it.

I have not owned a cockapoo, but we had a poodle for 16 years and this is a very energetic clever breed that requires A LOT of exercise and other training or they get bored and can get destructive. It's also a velcro breed that loves human company and would not be happy shut away from the rest of the family. I imagine if you add a cocker into this all those qualities multiply as they are also hugely energetic velcro dogs! Plus, 9 months is a difficult teenage age.

It's a bit odd that the other dogs in the litter are all fine and yours has so many issues. Are you sure it's not your home environment?

And if you're house-proud, owning a puppy is not for you. It sounds like you really dislike this puppy so give it back to the breeder, but don't get another one.

Ah sorry @Scaredypup I don't know how I missed that!

I agree with @PollyRoulllson that you'll get a lot of well-meaning advice, but nobody on here knows you, your pup or your family situation, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing the wrong things.

There's also nothing wrong with skipping walks for anxious dogs - have a look at the bucket theory.

and this is exactly the sort of post that kicks a person when they are struggling and doing everything for their dog.

A dog that has been medicated and seen by vet behaviourist will have way more issues than the owners issues or environment......

@KangarooKenny i didn’t mention, but I live in central London so it’s VERY noisy 24/7. She is an absolute nervous wreck.

@Tropicana1 i I think it’s highly unlikely I’d end up with another pup like this. We’ve been extremely unlucky and the behaviourist says it must be genetic although the breeder disagrees. I’ve literally done everything right to the point the behaviourist didn’t know what to suggest as I’m already doing everything they’d recommend.

@LaurieFairyCake it’s not that I don’t have the time. It’s that she’s terrified of the outside and it’s recommended I don’t take her out everyday so that she can decompress. I’d love to go out for walks with her but sadly she hasn’t walked more than 2 mins from home since she was a few months old. Like I said, I drive to the park most days but even that’s a lot for her as she’s scared of the car and all the noises.

@XelaM I’m not house proud. I also spend all of my time on this puppy. Doing enrichment and counter conditioning and training. I can almost guarantee more than you’ve ever done, purely because of her issues she needs way more than the average dog. No offence. It’s really hard to get across quite how much I’ve put into helping her.

You can't have a dog in the house that is attacking your child. One day it'll do serious harm. One way or the other, it's going to have to go. Give it back to the breeder then maybe consider rescuing an older dog that has a good history with children, if you can find one. If the breeder won't take it i think the kindest thing would be pts. Some dogs are just incompatible with being a pet.

Return the dog to the breeder if they'll have her back. Nip it in the bud now - there's no shame in saying you tried and tried and it just wasn't the right fit for your family.

The only other alternative is to continue to Chuck good money after bad and not being able to relax in your home.

However I'd probably reconsider plans for another dog - maybe consider a cat!

Oh and you don't have to explain to the nth degree to strangers on Mumsnet who aren't in your home living your life

Have some conviction in your own decisions here - you've done your best and it's not going to work

Back to the breeder so she can be looked after, assessed and homed with a family that's right for her.

I wouldn't get another puppy if I was you. The stress you have will rub off on any dogs you have and will cause them problems which isn't fair.

Not everyone can offer a suitable home to a dog. My parents neighbours have just got their third dog and they've broken each one of them, the new pup looks as though it's going the same way as the other two both of whom were eventually rehomed. She's only months old and she's nervous, neurotic, fearful and reactive. All different breeds but the same owners who are obviously the ones causing the problems. Some folks just shouldn't have dogs and it's better to recognise this than keep trying.

Return to breeder and get a cat.

@User3568975431146 interested to know how you’ve assessed me to be unsuitable to have a dog or at fault based on nothing except I live in London and have a 9 year old. I’ve literally said nothing else about my lifestyle. Nonsense.

@ElenaSt I don’t like cats, but thanks for your input.

Sounds like you have tried very hard. This is a sad situation. I wonder if it's the environment I.e central london rather than hour home she's struggling with. Maybe all the noise is too much for her & making her stressed and anxious which is then having a knock on effect with her behaviour. Maybe a quieter more rural setting would be better for her. Is there anywhere she could go for a few weeks to see if she settles better there. This might help your decision

When we went away out of London for a few days she was relaxed and happy to walk as we weren’t near any roads. She’s too anxious for London.

Are you doing things to help her decompress like scent games and lickimats etc?