I've fucked up MASSIVELY :-(

[dogsfrogslogs]

It's my own fault, I can't turn the clock back and I'm in tears. I really need advice please, I am so sensitive and I know I deserve abuse and anger but believe me, I am beating myself up and nothing else said can hurt me any more than I am hurting myself right now.

Ddog is too attached to me and now won't be walked by anyone else, he runs back to the house once he has been released from his lead.

My daughter is saying she feels lonely overnight because the dog sleeps in our bedroom (me & DH) which obviously is not ok and makes me the worst parent

A change in circumstances means we can't afford a dogwalker, friends let me down and my health is failing me, my DH is recovering from surgery so unable to help walk Ddog.

With massive regret, I have prioritised the dog over my daughter which I should not have done. We had a house fire once and from that moment I knew we all needed to be on the same floor, together, with DD.

I need a plan of action and some wise words please from some knowledgeable folk. I need to get the dog to start sleeping elsewhere and I need him to get used to walking with someone else.....

I know I am the worst person. Today is a bad day He is a rescue that was crated for 12hrs a day so crate isn't an option. He barks if left for more than 4/5 mins when we get into bed at night.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far.

Massive overreaction - you just need an animal behaviour specialist

@Tal45

Get people to take him out for walks and keep him on the lead the whole time. That way he will see that he isn't being taken away and will be going home again after the walk.

no don't do this, it will make the separation anxiety worse and the dog might even bite to get away from the walker. The folk who say you need proper behavioural advice are right but do make sure that they are APDT registered.....dog behaviouralist and dog trainer are not protected titles, anyone can use them and some people who call themselves behaviouralists are actually very cruel.

It will be a slow business but a possible one to get the dog to relax without you and there are no shortcuts. Can you talk to your daughter to understand why she is lonely? is she really lonely, ie she would still be lonely if you dodn;t own a dog? or is she jealous of the dog because dog gets to sleep in your room and she doesn't?

You don't say how old your daughter is? and this does make a difference. Is she old enough to understand that the dog has special needs because he was cruelly treated? is part of her feeling the thing that the dog needs you more than her and she had imagined story book dog who is best friend of the child?

Yikes, OP, when I read the thread title I thought you were going to say you'd left a dog unattended with a child, and the child had been hurt... this is nothing in comparison! Other PPs have given great advice on how to fix this so I won't repeat them, but you can definitely fix this. Deep breaths!

How old is your daughter and why is she so upset?

Apart from only wanting to be walked by you, I am failing to see the issue here. There is nothing wrong with the dog sleeping with you - your daughter will just have to accept this.
Bit confused about the house fire. Unless you escaped with your dog whilst leaving your daughter to burn (which quite clearly isn’t the case), then I don’t see how it is relevant

Do you normally feel like "the worst person." If so, I'd probably prioritise therapy for yourself over training for the dog.

Nothing you've described sounds that bad. We had 2 cats when I was growing up. One slept in with my parents, one with my brother. Neither were interested in sleeping in my room. I whined a bit, but it didn't make my parents "the worst parents"

Nonsense, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the dog sleeping in your room! DD should get over it.

@HTH1

Nonsense, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the dog sleeping in your room! DD should get over it.

well i think this too....

Get only dd to feed the dog, go on every walk with you, really engage with the dog. Get another bed for the dog in her room so dog feels they have their own space. Tell your daughter she has to earn the digs trust and it should get better

@blacknotblue

Massive overreaction - you just need an animal behaviour specialist

With this kind of overreaction I'd say a psychiatrist was needed.

Do you suffer from anxiety, OP? Because you’re catastrophising here - I recognise it because I tend towards it myself and only stopped after therapy.

There is the issue with your dog, which can be sorted simply enough with professional help. Perhaps approach your vet as a starting point.

You also might want to talk to your GP because you seem very overwhelmed and they should be able to suggest some solutions, maybe CBT or other therapies to help you centre yourself.

Good luck!

@thumbtom

I don't think you've messed up massively at all here. Maybe you could think about getting your daughter a cat to sleep in her room?!

What an absolutely terrible idea.

Sorry you are feeling so bad. You are not the worst person in the world for sure.
I cant advise anything about the dog but I think you might benefit from some psychotherapy as such a strong reaction is not usual ever for a highly sensitive person. I wouldnt be surprised if you had some bad experiences in life which make you feel so bad and say such things.
Hope you feel better soon!

I’m actually not sure what you think you’ve done wrong here? Have you kicked your daughter out of your room and replaced her with your dog?

Omg you do not need abuse and you have not messed up badly. Me and my mum rescued a dog 2 years ago. He got severely attached to my mum that he followed her around like a toddler . He also wouldn’t be walked by anyone else and once ran off on me while I walked him off the lead in the park. Using small steps I started putting him on a lead and taking him out. Always on a lead I never let him off but now I can walk with him. He does forever look for her but he will walk for me. What kind of dog is it? I also personally think the dog shouldn’t be sleeping in either of your rooms? It should have a bed on the landing somewhere. A dog can be fixed. Your daughter sounds jealous of the attention it’s getting so you need to prioritise time with her. Can you go out for the day with her and leave dog at home or if you have a garden put the dog in the garden and build it up.

Dogs choose who they prefer, they’re not robots. Mine far prefers me to my dh and gets off his knee to come to me if I am suddenly available.

Re running back to the house, I’d look into a harness and longline, so he has a degree of freedom but can’t run off/home.

NRTFT

Firstly, do not let the dog sleep with your DD.

If your dog sleeps on your bed then buy them their own bed and put it at the end of your bed so it sleeps in that (you can take the bed downstairs with you during the day so it can nap in there then too).
After a while move the bed next to your bed.
Then eventually start moving it’s bed further away from yours and closer to the door.
Then put it outside the door but have your door open.
Then eventually close your door.
It may take weeks or it may take months but just be persistent.

First of all I do not have a dog but you havent fucked up and certainly not the worst parent. As you said your doggo is a rescue so you will do anything to make them feel at home and loved. The good thing is these type of behaviours can be corrected however you will need to get someone to help you. Good luck

Please don't beat yourself up over this, there are answers and easily done.

1. Tell your dd that the dog is only in your room because otherwise it would bark all night and annoy the neighbours, and keep you all awake as well. Buy her a big cuddly toy dog for her room.

1. Get someone to walk the dog and keep it on a lead so it can't run off.

1. Speak to your GP and explain your anxieties, they may be able to refer you for counselling.

That's all there is to it.

Thankyou so much to all genuine posters who have shown kindness and care with productive advice.

I haven't got the emotional capacity to go into it but MNHQ will confirm to those that doubt me that I did name-change and have been on MN since day 1. I posted on In The Doghouse a while ago ago when I lost my previous beloved dog very unexpectedly in tragic circumstances. Wolfiefan and a few other familiar names helped me through that time

I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD bought on by several life-changing events that took place within a very short period of time and my anxiety is sky high, a lot of you have spotted that, I am on the list for therapy, I'm doing my best to hold my shit together for my family, which, yes, ironically is making things worse for me by all accounts, but right now the ship is sinking and it's up to me to keep it afloat as best I can.

My daughter is 8 and we tried for 15 years of IVF, (one of my many health issues) she says she feels lonely and not part of the family at night time because she's on her own when me, DH & the dog are together in our room. I'm only being open, there's nothing sinister, no fabrication, no motive for the nastiness of some comments on here. That's why I feel so bad. She should be my priority. But she feels pushed out and that's wrong.

@Nancydrawn

OP, I'm more worried for you than about this situation. This situation is really not a big deal--you can get a trainer to help with the walking stuff, and the dog is probably going to continue to sleep with you, which is fine.

But saying you deserve anger and abuse, saying you wish you could turn the clock back, being in tears, hurting yourself (I assume emotionally)?

That's a huge and extreme reaction to what is a very fixable problem. I'd very much suggest that you see if you can find someone to talk with. Life is overwhelming right now, and there are professionals who can help.

This. Your reaction is rather extreme and it sounds like you need some RL support .

Be kind to yourself, and stop telling yourself off all the time. Life seldom runs like clockwork and you are doing your best.
you are all gradually getting used to a rescue dog and he's getting used to you.

Are you still traumatised by the house fire? Is your anxiety stemming from that. It must have been scarey, but can you speak to your GP.

Your daughter sounds like she’s just being 8! Don’t take it to heart. Even without the dog she’d likely be sleeping apart from you and DH anyway.

Perhaps rather than loneliness, your dd has feelings of jealousy around the dog being in with you at night. She's been pushed out of the nest, as it were. Do reassure her that she is absolutely your number one priority, and that the dog isn't in with you because you've chosen it over her. Tell her that you love her far more than you ever would any dog. Tell her that you don't want the dog in with you, but you have to because it barks otherwise.

Even if the OP did get a cat... there's no guarantee that it would sleep on an 8-year-old's bed, I'm afraid. My daughter's cats sleep underneath my son's bed, or in the front room, despite her insistence that because they're her cats, they would sleep in her room. Cats just... don't work like that!

As your daughter's 8, OP, there is absolutely no way on this earth that an anxious rescue dog should be sleeping in her bedroom, and you have to be very firm about explaining to her why I'm afraid. If she's old enough to try the emotional manipulation tactics that she blatantly is and add to your anxiety/stress levels (whether she realises it or not - and I'm genuinely not being unkind; when my daughter was 10, she did exactly the same regarding our previous dog, who yep; slept next to my bed1!), then she's old enough to understand that if she were to kick the dog in her sleep or roll into it... it may well bite her and have to be destroyed or rehomed yet again. Which wouldn't be fair on any of you. That is the harsh truth of it. You involve her, of course, in feeding and walking the dog... but not in encouraging her to want to sleep with it in her room or on her bed with her. Because that's an accident waiting to happen - which we all know you don't want!

When I was a kid, I had 3 out of my parents 5 dogs naturally choose to sleep in my room with me - but there is absolutely no way on this planet that I have, or would ever allow even the most placid of dogs to sleep in my children's bedrooms, even now - and they're both adults! Sure, my dog wanders in and out of them every now and then, but she doesn't sleep there, with them, in their beds - because I've trained her not to. It's only by chance that my parents' dogs - and I'm talking big GSDs here, not small dogs - didn't turn on me in my sleep! And they weren't highly-strung rescue dogs but had been in the family since pups (one was the pup of the other two, with his two brothers choosing to sleep on the landing and the stairs).

A good trainer should help you to include your daughter in the dog's daily routine, and who knows - when she's (a lot) older, it might be you feeling left out because the dog is stretching out to sleep beside her bed, not yours!

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I'm also really sorry that some posters haven't been very supportive :( but I just wanted to address this point quickly:

My daughter is 8 and we tried for 15 years of IVF, (one of my many health issues) she says she feels lonely and not part of the family at night time because she's on her own when me, DH & the dog are together in our room

I think that's understandable in her 8yo brain. I'm an only child too and I remember feeling left out for some reason if my parents did anything without me! Bonkers looking back on it, but 8yos are rarely very rational.

You say that your dog is very attached to you - can you make a special effort to spend time with DD alone and let DH have the dog for a while? You could have a special mother-daughter sleepover, perhaps, or a day out just the two of you?

She might just need a bit of love-bombing :)