I've fucked up MASSIVELY :-(

[dogsfrogslogs]

It's my own fault, I can't turn the clock back and I'm in tears. I really need advice please, I am so sensitive and I know I deserve abuse and anger but believe me, I am beating myself up and nothing else said can hurt me any more than I am hurting myself right now.

Ddog is too attached to me and now won't be walked by anyone else, he runs back to the house once he has been released from his lead.

My daughter is saying she feels lonely overnight because the dog sleeps in our bedroom (me & DH) which obviously is not ok and makes me the worst parent

A change in circumstances means we can't afford a dogwalker, friends let me down and my health is failing me, my DH is recovering from surgery so unable to help walk Ddog.

With massive regret, I have prioritised the dog over my daughter which I should not have done. We had a house fire once and from that moment I knew we all needed to be on the same floor, together, with DD.

I need a plan of action and some wise words please from some knowledgeable folk. I need to get the dog to start sleeping elsewhere and I need him to get used to walking with someone else.....

I know I am the worst person. Today is a bad day He is a rescue that was crated for 12hrs a day so crate isn't an option. He barks if left for more than 4/5 mins when we get into bed at night.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far.

@PollyRoulllson the site I have mentioned only the qualified behaviourists give advice. Other people can read. But not give advice.

They are not all qualified Wolfie I dont want to name names but they are not all qualified behaviourists

You really haven’t massively fucked up at all (and you’re not the worst parent) and if you genuinely believe either of those then that is far more worrying that what you’ve posted about your dog!

The separation anxiety you need to address. If you can’t afford an appointment with a behaviourist or a dog trainer at the moment could you have a look online for strategies to try and help (from reputable people!), or try and make an appoint with your vets? You might be able to have a telephone or face to face appointment with a veterinary nurse for less than the standard cost of a consultation.

Regarding your daughter feeling lonely because the dog is sleeping in your room, is she lonely because she wants to sleep in your room or because she wants the dog to sleep in her room? The former might be understandable if she is very young, but if it’s the latter then she needs to understand that the dog is not a toy.

Im not sure what you think youve done thats that bad??

Sounds like youre really so concerned with everyone elses needs and wants far more than your own

@PollyRoulllson that’s your opinion.

I really don't get why you feel like a bad owner. The dog sleeping in your room is not the same as DD sleeping in your room. The dog sounds traumatised by his history and being in your room probably works for him. He's not a baby. It's not going to make him "too attached". You could try giving him a treat in his bed at bedtime then leaving doors open - I do this and mine chooses where to sleep. Sometimes he comes in my room but sometimes he sleeps in his bed or at the bottom of the stairs.

Walking is a bigger issue. I'd suggest "borrow my doggy" or ask friends. Lots of people want a dog and can't have one so will walk him.

Apart from massively and hugely overreacting to this perceived problem you haven't fucked up per se. You mention your daughter feels lonely overnight, how old is she? You've rescued a dog kept in appealing conditions, and it has evidently bonded with you. There are a number of decent dog training videos on YouTube that you could look for, it sounds like DDog has separation anxiety. Get your DD to accompany you on walks, letting her hold the lead etc so the dog gets used to her, let her take over DDogs feeding, so the dog learns he/she can trust his whole family. In my experience a dog tends to sleep where they want to, in a crate, in a their dog bed etc. Mine chooses to sleep on my bed at the beginning of the night, migrate down to the sofa, and end up on my DSs by morning!

Our 4 year old ddog has slept in our room since we lost our 12 year old ddog at the start of lockdown. My DC each sleep in their own room. That’s how it works.

Can you take the dog for walks with your DD and partner if you have one or friend, if not and just get him used to being around other people. I don’t think this is a big problem.

[quote Wolfiefan]@PollyRoulllson that’s your opinion.[/quote]
No fact they are trainers but very few qualified behaviourists. Just check their qualifications on their websites....

OP do get a 121 training session. It will cost but not a massive amount. You then will have a plan to work from and it will give you the correct information to make major changes for your dog and family.

This situation can be changed but will need some professional help to see changes and help you get out of the muddle you feel you are in.

OP, kindly, but I clicked onto this expecting to read a heinous tale.

I think you need to take a step back and evaluate why you have overreacted to this issue.

OP, I saw your thread title and thought you'd committed a terrible crime or something! Honestly, stop beating yourself up!

I agree with PP here - not really sure why you are beating yourself up OP.

My DDog always slept with me. Kids never batted an eyelid. They didn't want to share their beds with a drooling snoring hefty labrador and had nothing else to say about it.

What exactly is your DD saying? Does she have SEN or emotional issues? It seems like a very unusual response and I have never come across this before from anyone I know who has dogs and DC.

You mention your poor health. Do you think that is affecting your emotional health right now? I honestly mean this kindly, but your post reads like an enormous over reaction.

Our dog prefers to sleep with me than with my kid. I do feel bad about it, but my childhood dog also preferred to sleep with my parents instead of me or my brother when we were kids. Nothing wrong with that.

And I'm also often nicer to the dog than to my kid as I never have to fight with him over homework or messy room!

Dog behaviour advice and maybe the dog sleeps downstairs which perhaps is the best place.

How old is you DD?

Depending on your DD's age I would start by you and your DD walking the dog together with you holding the lead and then move on to your DD holding the lead.

Is your DD old enough to have the dog sleep in with her, if so could this be something you introduce, maybe to start with you take the dog into her room for short periods and stay in the room with them.

I can also recommend the Facebook group Dog training and advice.
There are lots of used guides, including about rescue dogs and separation anxiety, which you should find very helpful.

Stop beating yourself up- with training (of the dog, you and family ) you will get through this!

At one point my DD said it wasn't fair because she was the only person in the house who had to sleep on her own - and we don't have a dog. I wouldn't worry about that one.

You have nothing to beat yourself up over.
My husband, son and dog all sleep happily in mine and dh’s room. Works for us.

I'm far more concerned about you than your dog, OP.
Where is all this self-loathing & castigation coming from?

You haven't done a thing wrong - let alone fucked up.
You have a family, & a dog with separation issues.
So what? How is this your fault?

I am sorry you are so stressed. Do you feel the house fire has contributed to you feeling overwhelmed?

Here is a brilliant resource from vet/behaviourists.
They are all about getting your dog to make good choices via play.
They understand reactive dogs, rescues, separation anxiety etc.
Their mantra is "there's a game for that!" - i.e. whatever your issue is, they understand the underlying causes, & have developed specific games to address them.
absolute-dogs.com/pages/about

Above all- it is designed to be FUN.
& it sounds like you could use some fun in your life right now.
Please stop beating yourself up, & start reading / make contact with Absolute Dogs or a local behaviourist.

I can’t even see what you need a dog trainer/behaviourist for?

If others walk him then they just keep him on a lead.

Your daughter will have to accept that dogs have the right to choose where they sleep.

First of all , take a deep breath.

You haven't fucked up, and you certainly don't deserve any kind of anger or abuse from anyone.

Break this down.. from what i can see there are 2 issues here.

1 - the dog is attached to you and doesn't like being walked by anyone else, and your health is making walking him hard i'm guessing?

2 - your DD doesn't like the dog sleeping in your bedroom

Is that right?

Ok, so.

1. fixable with help from a behaviourist/trainer.. as a push, stop letting him off leash when walking and he can't run back home.

2. tell her to get over herself. No, seriously. My moms dog has always slept in her room, my cats sleep in mine, its none of my kids business and if either of them complained, they'd be told to get over it and pipe down.

Again, you have NOT done anything wrong. You need to just take a breath and calm yourself down, stop turning whats a small issue into a massive catastrophe, it isn't one.

I think you need some help with your mental health OP you’re overreacting massively to this situation.

@CheltenhamLady

OP, kindly, but I clicked onto this expecting to read a heinous tale.

I think you need to take a step back and evaluate why you have overreacted to this issue.

Yes, it's an absolutely ridiculous overreaction.

How old ?
This was us at maybe 6m or so for a while. Would walk easily for me , reluctantly for husband and not for the kids ( grown up ).

Memorably once he wouldn’t go CD-ROM the drive with son , so I drove them 1/4 Mike away to our little cycle path woods. He got put I drove off and he kept walking back to where the car had been 😂. Son carried him to the bottom of our road and dog them knew where they were and made for home.

He’s 2.4 now and anyone can walking him on a lead. I don’t know if he’d recall well for the kids like he does for me and husband but they’ve not really trained with him.

Wow, you haven't done anything wrong at all, OP. I agree with having a look at borrowmydoggie.com which I use myself. There might be a very experienced dog owner on there who will become your dog's friend and broaden its horizons. Otherwise just get on with some training yourself.