I've fucked up MASSIVELY :-(

[dogsfrogslogs]

It's my own fault, I can't turn the clock back and I'm in tears. I really need advice please, I am so sensitive and I know I deserve abuse and anger but believe me, I am beating myself up and nothing else said can hurt me any more than I am hurting myself right now.

Ddog is too attached to me and now won't be walked by anyone else, he runs back to the house once he has been released from his lead.

My daughter is saying she feels lonely overnight because the dog sleeps in our bedroom (me & DH) which obviously is not ok and makes me the worst parent

A change in circumstances means we can't afford a dogwalker, friends let me down and my health is failing me, my DH is recovering from surgery so unable to help walk Ddog.

With massive regret, I have prioritised the dog over my daughter which I should not have done. We had a house fire once and from that moment I knew we all needed to be on the same floor, together, with DD.

I need a plan of action and some wise words please from some knowledgeable folk. I need to get the dog to start sleeping elsewhere and I need him to get used to walking with someone else.....

I know I am the worst person. Today is a bad day He is a rescue that was crated for 12hrs a day so crate isn't an option. He barks if left for more than 4/5 mins when we get into bed at night.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far.

Join the FB group www.facebook.com/groups/374160792599484

Read the guides - then post on one of the days posting is switched on, and they'll give you some step by step stuff to do and a plan.

Everything feels better when you have a plan.

If they feel you need one to one help, there are further options including a premium group (v low fee compared to a private trainer/behaviourist), or referral to a trainer/behaviourist.

But you will be given advice that is safe, sensible and effective, and a starting point, rather than being lost and overwhelmed with it all.

This is a very bizarre post and honestly I’m struggling to understand it.
It doesn’t matter that your dog doesn’t sleep in your daughter’s room (in fact I would judge you as a parent if you did - dogs really shouldn’t be left unsupervised with kids). I’m not sure how you’ve prioritised your dog over your daughter or what your fire has to do with it.
What I do hear is a huge amount of anxiety and stress with no basis. Are you getting the help you need as this post reads like a cry for help with your mental health.

This level of anxiety is not good for the dog (I'd argue that it is contributing to behavioural/nervousness you are seeing from the dog). I realise that's easier said than done but really, this is not helping any of you and - in a round about way - is prioritising your own internal voice over just doing what is best for all.

He will be perfectly capable of settling to sleep somewhere else if that's what you want. As he had to when you first got him and he had to get used to a new routine then. Just use patience, reassurance and consistency. (fwiw I also agree your daughter feeling left out is not really a reason to move the dog, more a reason to work on helping your daughter feel better).

Ditto being walked by someone else. Who do you want to walk him? With patience and understanding, he will get used to being walked by someone else. In the meantime, a lead will make sure he cannot run off home. Though I'd be careful it's nothing to do with you and more because the dog is scared, point blank, of being outside. That's different and requires help to tackle.

Yes, I think OPs anxiety and overthinking is the issue here, not any way she has treated the dog or DD!

Like others, I agree that this sounds like a seperation anxiety issue, OP - which has been exacerbated by a house fire, and now the failing health of the person the dog trusts most in the world... you!

I also have a rescue dog with extreme seperation anxiety (she's infamous for screaming from the moment I left her at the vets for a routine op, to the minute I collected her... the only time she was silent was when she was unconscious!), who sleeps on my bed at night, and who has a disabled "Person" (me). She's getting better the older she gets, but frets like crazy if I've gone out and my daughter is home by herself - weirdly, she has a nap if my son's at home alone, though (DD is 26 and DS is 17). Then again, my son walks and feeds her...

Involve your daughter as much as you can with the dog's day-to-day routine. Encourage a bond to build between them so that the dog knows there's "Another Person" for them (like mine does with my son) - and yes; talk to your vet about a qualified behaviouralist, or even just for their (the vet) advice/suggestions. My guess though is the dog is stressed and anxious about being away from you/home right now, because you're stressed and very anxious, understandably, about a lot of things. With failing health, an unwell husband, a daughter, a rescue dog and the trauma of a housefire... who wouldn't be?!

Anger and abuse, though? Nope. Just a sympathetic [tea] and some from me, I'm afraid!

I thought this post was going to be about an affair or a serious crime. Your dog has separation anxiety, and sounds like you may need support too.

I just can't see what the issue is?

My daughters beloved adored chihuahua sleeps with me and dh as does her bastard cat
They do what they want!

How do I start a thread please

@thumbtom

I don't think you've messed up massively at all here. Maybe you could think about getting your daughter a cat to sleep in her room?!

What?? chuck a cat into the mix???!!!

This must be a joke

My cat is obsessed with me, I feed her less than my partner and DCs, but she demands my attention. If my DD moves her to her bed, 5 minutes later she's back on me. I'm the one who does the unpleasant vets things, makes her go outside for fresh air if she hasn't been out much etc. Having said that, I hope you have some support so it's not just you walking your dog as I can see how that would cause issues.

How old is your daughter? Although I suspect that this is the daughter posting pretending to me her Mom given the dramatic posting style

@Pieandchips1234456

How do I start a thread please

Click on 'Start a new thread in this topic' at the top of the page.

You are being ridiculously dramatic. Just rehome the dog.

I understand why you’re anxious because I’m a single parent, living in a flat with two dogs and my health isn’t great either. I have days when I panic at the thought of not being able to take them out. One of our dogs is anxious and barks at other dogs and often people so my teenage DS can’t take them for walks. I suppose a proper dog walker would manage but I couldn’t use Borrow my Doggy.

You don’t have to let your dog off the lead…I never do because I never know what Mr Yappy will do.

Also, it’s normal that a dog will sleep with its owner….mine would never sleep in my son’s room.

Don’t beat yourself up - you’re in a tricky situation x

Dogs are super social and form intense attachments and retain memories of trauma. He's obviously feeling safe with you which is lovely. Now comes professional training - not only for dog but for people too, as you are his new pack and he needs to feel comfortable with you all. Trainers don't only train the dogs, they train families in how to have a dog!

@HaveringWavering

You are being ridiculously dramatic. Just rehome the dog.

I was hoping someone else would suggest this! But then I remembered this is Mumsnet, where anything less than sacrificing your own life for a pet is considered cruel 🙄

Bizarrely overdramatic. Where's the massive fuck up? Maybe take a breath.

Surely, you include your DD in your activities with the dog and slowly pass on to her the lead, the play and the feeding.

How old is your DD?

And why is the dog taken off the lead?

@theleafandnotthetree I know, right! But I just noticed this is in the Doghouse topic so responses were always going to be biased towards "keep".

@dogsfrogslogs
I thought you were going to say that you'd allowed the dog to sleep with your daughter, and that he had bitten her.
THAT would be a 'Fuck up'.

With 'Separation anxiety' , it's all too easy to almost encourage it,

''Dog had a hard time previously, but he/she worships me,/won't leave my side'' or else dog whines up a storm when left with someone else or is walked by someone else.

Separation anxiety can be hard to deal with, but little steps is the way forward.
Small, separations in the house, done very ''Cool-ly'' without an effusive greeting...only going to see him when he is quiet..there is loads of info online.

He will need walking daily though, and if he is likely to run back to the hose if let off lead, then the person who exercises him won't be able to let him off until he becomes much more 'Trustworthy'

Keeping your own behaviour calm really helps a dog {or any animal}.. they feed of our moods ,and our vet receptionist said the owner has a big impact on the dog, eg, a tense, nervous owner transmits that to the dog.

Dogs are a lot of work and responsibility, you don't say what breed/cross he is, and even this will have an impact on his behaviour.

Eg, if he is a purebred Border Collie he will be different to a toy poodle in exercise needs,

Hopefully he won't be a ''Working'' type, as these need a lot of mental and physical outlets.

What breed ? I don't see you messed anything up. My dog is extremely well trained, but gets very nervous being walked by anyone else, it's a common characteristic of his breed. It is only really an issue if their response to another Walker is aggression. If you can't afford a dog Walker won't you be doing the walking ? If you can't then I assume you will have to give up the dog?

The sleeping arrangements meh, kids can't understand parents sleeping together, without dogs. So I just say they need their own bed as they are growing in the night.

Do you have pet insurance, you MAY be able to claim for a registered behaviourist

Please don't let the dog sleep with your DD. It is so not worth the risk.

Regarding ''Re-homing'' dogs, a huge amount are euthanised , especially any dog with ''Issues'' {Aggression, nervousness&c} Someone posted links to show the statistics, and they were depressing.

IF re-homing {lets face it, it may end up as euthanasia} is the only option, contact a 'Breed' rescue.
They are much better , generally speaking, but so many people took on ''Lockdown puppies'' that are now looking for homes, that all the rescues are bursting at the seams.