Husband does not want to take in my dogs.

[HelloKat]

I have two yappy small dogs whom my parents helped looked after for 3 years while i was renting in the city. During those years, my bf and I got married and we're just about to buy a house together. I want to bring my dogs with us to our new home but he is completely against it and is insisting that my parents should continue looking after them. He always knew the dogs were mine and we have often lived with them but as our accommodation for most of the 3 years didnt allow pets, he never had an issue. My husband is threatening to leave me if I bring my dogs with us to our new home. He says that I'm picking them over our relationship and that I should just put them up to adoption. My problem is that I love my dogs and I cant bare the thought of putting them up for adoption and my parent can no longer help look after them. Please help. Really need advice.

The man sounds like a cunt to be honest, and someone that would expect me to rehome older dogs that would realistically be pts at the shelter would make up my mind for me that he’s clearly not worth my time or energy

@GirlWithAGuitar

If they never talked about it I'm not sure why OP's DH would assume the dogs were coming.

All the people saying this, the obvious thing would be that OP would have her dogs back at the earliest opportunity. They are her dogs, it goes without saying. The fact that the husband thinks she wouldn’t be having them backs shows how uncaring he is.

I don't think that's obvious. "My" first cat lived with my parents for the rest of her life after I moved out, because my mother wanted to keep her. When I left subsequent cats with my parents, they made clear from the beginning that I needed to take them back when I finished school and found a real job that would pay for suitable housing. I, in turn, made that clear to my now-husband.

It sounds like nobody did any of that here. OP's stated reasons for insisting she take them are 1) her parents are getting older and can no longer care for them, and 2) she loves them and wants them with her. If she'd promised her parents when dropped the dogs off three years ago that she'd take them back as soon as she could, I think that would have been mentioned. It apparently didn't happen that way. That might have been OP's intent all along, but it's not her husband's responsibility to read her mind.

It’s all a bit odd really that this was never discussed . When did the dogs actually last live with you , and by that I mean not in your parents home and why can your parents suddenly not keep them when they’ve had them for 3 yrs .

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear this OP sounds really upsetting. Would your husband agree to having the dogs with you for an initial period say 3/6 months to see how it could work? Then if he's still unhappy you can make a decision about keeping him or keeping the dogs?

PurpleOkapi

It’s obvious to me. It not obvious to the husband costs convenient as he doesn’t want them.

Just asked my partner, he said he would presume the dogs would live with us in this situation and that the husband is a cunt and needs adopting.

*because it’s

Two little 12 year old dogs and he won't have them in the house?

He's changed the goalposts. He's also taking charge and telling you what you can and cannot do.

If this were me and those dogs were facing rehoming at their age because of a decision he has made I could not continue living with him.

This has horrified me

@GirlWithAGuitar

It's well short of obvious to about half the people on this thread. And keep in mind, we're only hearing OP's side. She says he knew they were hers, but she also seems to think he at some point agreed to living with them, when he clearly doesn't see it that way. I doubt he ever enquired into the proper ownership of the dogs that lived with his in-laws. Most people wouldn't.

Regardless, OP admits that in three years, they never once discussed this. In the eight years before that, she couldn't be bothered to train the dogs not to yap, so that someone other than OP might actually want them. Then, rather than discussing their future with her partner at that time, she just assumes based on nothing that he'll be fine taking them. Meanwhile, the dogs get three years older. Now it's an emergency because her parents can no longer care for them, no one other than OP wants a pair of yappy senior dogs, and there's no plan B because OP couldn't be arsed to think of any of this until now.

So yeah, maybe he's not the greatest person ever for vetoing them. But if the only choices here are "DH agrees to live with the dogs" and "the dogs get PTS because they're unadoptable," back up and ask how things got to that point. They aren't his dogs, and their welfare isn't his responsibility - it's OP's. And if OP gave a flying fuck about the dogs' well-being as living creatures, rather than as accessories to her own life who exist for the purpose of making her happy, she'd never have put them in this situation. She'd have trained them not to yap before dumping them on her parents. She wouldn't have left them in limbo for three years. She'd have discussed this with her DH at the beginning of the relationship, and either ended it early or made other arrangements for the dogs when they were 8 rather than 11.

None of that is DH's fault. All of it is OP's. This problem wouldn't exist if OP were a responsible dog owner, and the fact that she's clearly not is probably part of why her husband doesn't want to deal with her dogs. He probably thinks he'll get stuck taking care of them because she can't be arsed to do it properly. And he's probably right.

It's unlikely that dogs of that age would be able to be rehomed. A shelter would probably euthanize them. At best they would go through the stress of being in a shelter and potentially separated from each other if they were rehomed. I can't imagine that a good person would ask you to do that.
I have friends who rehomed two older yappy dogs. They worked with a behaviorist to reduce the yapping. It was hard, and they aren't perfect, but it worked. Can you state that you are taking the dogs but are also going to really work on the training to reduce the barking?
We have a dog and our house really doesn't smell of dogs (even my dog-hating disapproving mother agrees and she would be the first to tell me if it did). All our soft-furnishings are washable and wash them often. Our floors are hard, not carpet, and regularly mopped. Plus I send my dog to the groomers regularly. So neither smell or yapping are inevitable.

I can't believe he would end the marriage over this. What a rotter!

Aside from the cruelty part of this it is the being told what will and won't happen that would kill it for me.

Do your parents want to give them back? After 3 years aren’t they really theirs now?

If it was always said the dogs would live with you, he is BU.

If you've suddenly sprung two dogs on him and he doesn't like dogs, you are BU

Slightly on his side here because I do not like the idea of living with dogs- especially not ones that smell and yap constantly. It would be my idea of hell and I genuinely wouldn't be able to stay in that kind of environment. I would be miserable and resentful, and if I were buying somewhere, I wouldn't want to be putting all my money and working into paying off a house that smells like a wet dog bed and doesn't have any sense of peaceful sanctuary to me because two dogs I didn't choose apparently have more rights to live with my spouse than I do.

Does he know how you feel about the dogs... and not care?
If so he was being a bit light with the promise to love and cherish you.

If this could end your marriage - it isn't really a marriage.

You love the dogs - and they are your responsibility.
I think it unlikely that they would abandon you just because they took a dislike to your new husband.

@whereisthekey

if he would leave you over this then he's not really Into the marriage I wouldn't be buying a house with him and keep things as simple to break up as possible. get your own place with your dogs and meet someone decent.

Exactly right. He imagines that the thought of losing him will make you give in. That's a very unpleasant type of manipulation. If he's prepared to use emotional blackmail to get his own way, you've got some thinking to do. My Gran used to say that the early rows a couple has are the rows they're going to have for the rest of their lives.

Meh. I mean I like dogs but I have no desire whatsoever to own one.

If the dogs have been living with your parents for three years I don’t think it “goes without saying” at all that they’d be coming back to you. This should have been discussed. Maybe he’s feeling manipulated. Like you deliberately led him a merry dance.

Dogs come first for me. They love you unconditionally.

I would chose my dogs over any man, let alone one as heartless and callous as your husband. ‘Just’ put them up for adoption indeed. How cruel.

I don't think its obvious you were going to have them back. I am sure it does happen - but I don't know anyone who left their animals with parents when they moved out and then had them back years later. Usually by then the animals/parents are in a routine.

You can't persuade him.

He's made his mind up, now you need to make your mind up.

Your options are:

Give in to his demands (not a good outcome)
You don't buy a house with him and you take your dog's in (though if you still end up renting I'm not sure how you are going to suddenly find pet friendly accomodation if it's already been a struggle for you)

But buying a house, moving them in and hoping he sees the light at the end of the tunnel is not an option.

I'd rather have the dogs, they're more loyal. If he'd leave you over them he's not worth having.
Seems to me he'd be jealous not getting all the attention. X

He always knew the dogs were mine and we have often lived with them...

So you had the dogs when the two of you met, and they went to your parents because your living arrangements didn't allow dogs? Even if he didn't understand that you'd want them back as soon as your living situation allowed, he must have known there was a possibility that your parents would no longer be able to keep them and they'd have to come to you. If these were children and your husband was refusing to have them come and live with the two of you, people would be saying he shouldn't have become involved with someone with children if he wasn't prepared for the possibility of having them full-time. (No, I'm not comparing dogs to children, but the principle of logic is the same.)

You could try living separately, of you can afford it - it worked for Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera. But I'd be put off by his thinking he can call all the shots without a discussion. He says that I'm picking them over our relationship and that I should just put them up to adoption. He's picking not having them over your relationship. Your dogs aren't going to live forever (sorry) so if he'd leave you over this he'll probably leave over something else eventually. It's not great to live with that hanging over your head.

I find it quite telling that you, their owner, admits the dogs are yappy. Owners generally deny their dogs' yappiness until they are blue in the face due to how used they are to the noise.

You then add that they are quite sweet. You know that, but if the dogs have lived for the past three years with your parents, does your DH? And even so, constant noise can be maddening.

I have a cat that communicates by screaming, so I quite get you. But I'm always on her to keep it quiet, constant training, shushing, keeping her distracted. How come it wasn't a clear conversation before?

But you gave the dogs to your parents. For three years. Of course your DP is going to assume that’s where they will stay. You weren’t in a position to look after them.

This whole situation is really bizarre to me.

You say you love the dogs and they're really important to you, but then in the same breath you admit you were happy to dump them on your parents on and off for years when they became too inconvenient for your living situation.

When was the last time you actually had full time care for your dogs?