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Matt Willis -Facing Addiction

245 replies

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/05/2023 19:16

Anyone else watch this, it was really good? It's on iPlayer.

I had no idea how many times he'd relapsed,poor bloke. Can't help thinking going on tour probably isn't a good idea, hope he's going to be ok. With the best will in the world being in a situation where you used all the time is going to be massively triggering.

I've never really liked Emma , always thought she was a bit fake, totally changed my mind , she's clearly been slapping a smile on her face and keeping the family together.

So much respect for both of them for being so open and transparent.

And being completely shallow Matt is completely rocking the beard !

OP posts:
Rhondaa · 20/05/2023 08:06

'His childhood is absolutely not his fault and it has clearly damaged him but it IS his responsibility to process how he thinks, feels and behaves as a result. Especially when it’s affecting his wife and children.'

Exactly. We can't change the past but we can optimise the future and his focus should be on that. He seems to want to enable his own behaviour by finding 'reasons' for it when often addicts are just selfish people and that is probably harder to accept and address than deciding now it was his challenging childhood that did this not his hedonistic desire for highs. His wife and dc deserve so much better than this man child.

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 08:11

Rhondaa · 20/05/2023 08:06

'His childhood is absolutely not his fault and it has clearly damaged him but it IS his responsibility to process how he thinks, feels and behaves as a result. Especially when it’s affecting his wife and children.'

Exactly. We can't change the past but we can optimise the future and his focus should be on that. He seems to want to enable his own behaviour by finding 'reasons' for it when often addicts are just selfish people and that is probably harder to accept and address than deciding now it was his challenging childhood that did this not his hedonistic desire for highs. His wife and dc deserve so much better than this man child.

I tend to agree. It was heartbreaking when she was looking through her notebook which detailed what he had drunk/taken and on which dates. My immediate thought was: I bet he doesn’t have a notebook detailing the ways in which he has hurt her or his reflections on how she might feel. I bet the thought of doing that has never even entered his mind.

Stellawella · 20/05/2023 08:24

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 07:52

It was very hard to watch. Some observations I made were that Emma is clearly an empath and they usually give everything to others but often neglect their own needs. She looked absolutely broken to me. I didn’t think he came across well at all. He seemed incredulous that he holds any kind of responsibility to do the work to stay sober. Why hasn’t he sought therapy before? They have the finances and resources to do so. If that was me I’d be researching the heck out of it and actively seeking answers about addiction and how/why it happens.

Also why have they never talked about it? They have kids together fgs. He stated he felt bad at the toll it’s taken on her but at no point in the documentary did he ask her how she felt, physically comfort her and really listen to her, but he seemed fine with listening and supporting others in the group. It seemed all a bit me me me. As for the touring - there seemed to be no acknowledgment whatsoever that it might not be a good idea for him to go. There were no plans as to how he’s going to deal with it considering touring is a massive trigger for him and he always relapses on tour. It just seemed very matter of fact like “I always relapse on tour but I’m still going anyway”. No acknowledgment of how anxious that must make Emma feel.

His childhood is absolutely not his fault and it has clearly damaged him but it IS his responsibility to process how he thinks, feels and behaves as a result. Especially when it’s affecting his wife and children.

Sobriety isn’t an easy road, you have to “do the fcking work” as a sober coach I know of says. I don’t think he is doing that at all. He needs support and so does she but I fear she is now cemented in the role of “nurturer” for him and this has set up this unhealthy dynamic whereby he is the vulnerable one who needs looking after and she is the “mum” who does the looking after. That’s not healthy. He has the ability to take control of his life and empower himself and she should be allowed to be vulnerable at times and receive support when she needs it.

You can visibly see the toll it’s taken on her and I just hope she has an outlet to express that without feeling that if she does so, she is somehow betraying him.

It’s not a relationship I would want for myself but I wish them both, and their kids all the best as you can tell that they genuinely do love each other.

He has slight help though. He admitted to begin with he told the therapists what they wanted to hear. He’s also done rehab. Not sure why you think he’s not sought any help.

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 08:39

Stellawella · 20/05/2023 08:24

He has slight help though. He admitted to begin with he told the therapists what they wanted to hear. He’s also done rehab. Not sure why you think he’s not sought any help.

Show quote history

If you don’t engage with the therapeutic process then it’s pointless. His experience of rehab can’t have been that great as when he was talking to the therapist he was stunned by some of the things she said. Those things would have been discussed in a rehab setting- otherwise what’s the point of it? Rehab is temporary- to detox you and look at the reasons why you drink. The proper work starts after rehab when you go back to your normal life and face the temptations you faced before. A few weeks in rehab isn’t going to “cure” decades of habitual behaviour- it’s the start of the process but it’s something you have to actively work on if you want to maintain your sobriety. That’s why so many people end up in rehab multiple times.

Rhondaa · 20/05/2023 08:41

'He has slight help though. He admitted to begin with he told the therapists what they wanted to hear. He’s also done rehab. Not sure why you think he’s not sought any help.'

Yes he clearly hadn't addressed his childhood previously, so yes good that he is ready to now. Let's just hope the penny drops and he realises his kids need a stable home, with stable parents or else the whole cycle will be repeated when they are grown up.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 09:01

I'd be really surprised if there wasn't a lot of infidelity associated with his relapses and wonder whether Emma keeps away from those conversations.

Babymamamama · 20/05/2023 10:31

Having thought more about it since I watched, Emma has left me feeling so uneasy. The touch of Stockholm syndrome about her, the way she looked at him with adoring eyes felt so motherly rather than looking at any kind of partner or equal. There must be so much more than what we were shown. The lies the deceipt the aberrations that go with any addiction. How much has she excused, brushed under the carpet. At what cost to herself. The husband was completely self absorbed. Unable to see past the end of his own nose.
He should never tour again. If he doesn’t realise that then nobody can help him.

BM2014 · 20/05/2023 13:50

In my experience, my daughter was hospitalised in may last year, she was warned about the damage, and the inevitable outcome, should she choose not to take the advice, this illness is far bigger than anyone not suffering from it, can understand
My daughter has an 8yr old daughter, she looked me in the eye, and promised me she would stop, for her daughter, whom, as a single mum, also suffering from anorexia,she fiercely loved and protected
Unfortunately, having made this promise, is where "the nature of the beast" took over, and the secrecy started
I will never knock my daughter for what she did, I loved her before I even met her
I find it difficult to understand people being so judgemental, it is an illness, and I know, once it gets a hold, only the strongest will survive it

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 19:20

I find it difficult to understand people being so judgemental

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, I do judge, yes. It damaged me significantly growing up and whilst I have empathy for the addict, I also dont judge those who leave them out of concern to protect their children from the horrific effects of growing up around alcoholism. If you dont protect kids from this kind of damage, the cycle just continues.

Xrays · 20/05/2023 19:32

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 19:20

I find it difficult to understand people being so judgemental

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, I do judge, yes. It damaged me significantly growing up and whilst I have empathy for the addict, I also dont judge those who leave them out of concern to protect their children from the horrific effects of growing up around alcoholism. If you dont protect kids from this kind of damage, the cycle just continues.

I agree. It’s difficult because it’s such an emotive subject and I feel truly horrible making what might be taken as offensive comments to someone who has lost their child in these circumstances but I think it’s wrong to say it’s an illness, although I can appreciate it is a mental one to some extent. There is an element of choice involved and that’s hard to accept but there is. Especially in Matts case he knows touring is a huge trigger for him and yet here he is - sober and in control apparently- and he’s still choosing to do that, putting himself at risk of relapsing.

Rhondaa · 20/05/2023 19:50

' find it difficult to understand people being so judgemental'

Judging how he came across in the programme, not all addicts in general.

Saying 'it's not my fault' without any comment about his wife or his dc, it's not their fault either. The vague 'relapses', one minute the last one was years ago the next he has had many many relapses. I don't think he is being honest with his family. He wants it not to be his fault, but it is. We may all face serious challenges in life it is how we deal with it and how we protect our families going forward that counts.

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/05/2023 19:51

As a person who was very much affected by one of my parents' addiction to alcohol (albeit in my case I didn't totally clock it until I was in my late teens and about to leave home) I do think there is no way you can minimise the damage done to children growing up in an addict's household. I watched the programme and was quite charmed by Matt and didn't feel particularly that he was in denial about the affect of his addiction on his family. But he clearly hasn't done enough yet to make Emma trust him again. The damage alcohol does is often lack of trust. If you can't trust your parents or your spouse, who can you trust?

I don't have a good relationship with my alcoholic parent (well documented on Mumsnet) even though the active alcoholic years when I really actively felt fearful about it was only about 20 years.

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/05/2023 19:53

Rhondaa · 20/05/2023 19:50

' find it difficult to understand people being so judgemental'

Judging how he came across in the programme, not all addicts in general.

Saying 'it's not my fault' without any comment about his wife or his dc, it's not their fault either. The vague 'relapses', one minute the last one was years ago the next he has had many many relapses. I don't think he is being honest with his family. He wants it not to be his fault, but it is. We may all face serious challenges in life it is how we deal with it and how we protect our families going forward that counts.

He made many references about how damaging his addiction was to his family in the first 20 minutes or so. I think it's wrong to accuse him of being in denial about that.

Modda · 20/05/2023 21:54

BM2014 · 19/05/2023 17:37

Just watched the documentary
I lost my youngest daughter recently from alcohol addiction, it's given me an insight to how she was probably feeling, but was scared to share
Every respect to the man

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must be for you.

Modda · 20/05/2023 22:02

Interesting that he didn't mention going to AA or anything

MadCatLady27 · 21/05/2023 00:04

Glad I spotted this thread as I didn't know about this so just watched it

I wonder if Emma wishes she'd left him on seeing the warning signs 3 months into their relationship and how addicted he was so early in

I thought Charlie looked 20 years younger than him, but sounds like he has problems himself given his rider order. Wonder why James didn't appear

You can tell poor Emma is going to be worrying the entire time he is on tour - I bet she wishes it wasn't happening, I wonder if him relapsing again will be the final straw for her. He almost seemed to be looking for a solution, but then said about not being honest with his therapist - surely they couldn't help him fully as they didn't have the full details from him

It sounds like he was already well on the way to addiction before Busted, but perhaps he's another example of how damaging fame at a young age can be

It'll be interesting to see a follow up after their tour to see if he managed to stay clean/sober

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/05/2023 06:42

He was a smoker at a very young age. I think that is probably an indicator of his issues. He's had an addiction of some sort pretty much since puberty.

Someone upthread posted that the third member of Busted lives in the States, that's why he wasn't there.

I've thought about this some more and I think his 8 years of not drinking or taking drugs probably made them think he had conquered his addiction and life was pretty normal until then. The relapse then knocked them for six and now they are looking to prevent a recurrence on tour. What I'm getting at is that they hadn't dealt with it because it didn't seem to be a problem.

somedayMaybes · 21/05/2023 10:49

Interesting about how old he looks
Im same age and kept thinking how old he looked
Id say 48-49 rather than 39?
Skin, hair, skin laxity, everything he just looked so worn down

Most men his age with some money are a bit grey, but in reasonable shape and usually good teeth and deal with skin if rough/ acne etc. my DH had rosacea acne veins lasered off the othet week

Men this gen usually dont look so rough at this age. Wonder what he is like internally as perhaps not going to be anlong life is ageing v fast externally

Rhondaa · 21/05/2023 11:19

' I watched the programme and was quite charmed by Matt'

Oh yes he seems a thoroughly charming person, it is the binges that won't be charming.

His last 'relapse' was when his eldest was a baby, next breath he has had many many relapses suggesting it's an ongoing thing.

Like many addicts he seemed to want sympathy and head pats, it isn't your fault etc, but it is.

Let's see if he can avoid hedonistic highs on his tour and show his family he means to stay off the booze and provide his dc with the stable childhood he didn't have.

newnamethanks · 21/05/2023 13:09

Poor Emma. Not 'if' but 'when?'. And it will always be like that for her no matter how long Matt's been clean. It's no way to live.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 21/05/2023 13:59

I watched the programme and was quite charmed by Matt

And that's their downfall. Everyone was completely charmed by my addict ex-dp, he was the most charismatic, popular person I've ever known. I was the bad guy in our relationship for 'trying to stop him having fun' . So he ignored me, who was trying to keep him alive, carried on drinking with all his hangers-on, and ended up dead.

lemonaddde · 21/05/2023 20:38

I have loved Busted since they began and have gone to every tour, Matt was always my favourite.

As a young teen I had no idea of the struggle he was going through. He had this party boy image, fun loving, bit crazy, but nothing bad appeared to be going on.

As an adult I can see now just how much he struggled. I didn't realise he relapsed on the 2016 tour. That was when Busted reformed for the first time.

I think Busted means a lot to him and it's not that easy to turn it down. But it would be wise for him to have a chaperone during the tour and to go home as much as possible instead of living the full tour lifestyle.

Slay1981 · 22/05/2023 00:08

I've just watched this and I'm sorry but Matt didn't come across well at all. Very self indulgent and I didn't get any sense of much remorse for the effect his actions have had on Emma. I also felt it was a poor choice to film at the support group. Emma and Matt have enough money to pay for rehab 100 times over but those poor children who were born into addictive families and suffered through no fault of their own can only dream of private therapy. My heart broke for those girls and felt angry on their behalf to be honest.

Missjkay · 22/05/2023 11:07

I felt sad like she was trying to smile through it. Personally I wouldn’t have married him. I know it’s his job but I really felt like he shouldn’t be going on tour. It was interesting he had lots of therapy but she hadn’t. Just busy keeping it all together. Underneath there was a different side of her full of hurt.

FrenchLilacs · 23/05/2023 12:28

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 09:01

I'd be really surprised if there wasn't a lot of infidelity associated with his relapses and wonder whether Emma keeps away from those conversations.

My DH and I thought this too (my DH is a former addict who went to rehab before I met him, and who still does regular twelve step meetings to this day).

When we saw Matt at the group he visited, he went outside afterwards for a chat with a woman from the group.

My DH commented to me : “Out of all the people he could have had a 1-1 chat with, he has chosen a woman instead of one of the men, and he has picked the one who is relatively attractive”.

When Matt was sitting outside with the woman, he was looking into her eyes while telling her how similar they are. And that was sober whilst on camera!