Matt Willis -Facing Addiction

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

Anyone else watch this, it was really good? It's on iPlayer.

I had no idea how many times he'd relapsed,poor bloke. Can't help thinking going on tour probably isn't a good idea, hope he's going to be ok. With the best will in the world being in a situation where you used all the time is going to be massively triggering.

I've never really liked Emma , always thought she was a bit fake, totally changed my mind , she's clearly been slapping a smile on her face and keeping the family together.

So much respect for both of them for being so open and transparent.

And being completely shallow Matt is completely rocking the beard !

It did also make me wonder if the dynamic between Emma and Matt might be similar to the one Matt grew up with between his Mum and stepdad.

I'm not remotely suggesting DV between Matt and Emma which I believe was alluded to with his mother and stepfather.

But it seems like maybe Matt's mother kept his stepfather round to the detriment of her children, I wonder if Emma is unwittingly standing by her man and doing to the same.

But I can't comment on what the children's lives are like and hope that they are happy and can see that they are clearly loved.

Just watched the documentary
I lost my youngest daughter recently from alcohol addiction, it's given me an insight to how she was probably feeling, but was scared to share
Every respect to the man

I’m so sorry 💐❤️

Ty
X

I am so so sorry you lost your daughter. It must be devastating. 💐

Just 16 wks, still very raw, and hard
Ty
X

He almost gives the impression he’s warning her that he will relapse on tour ☹️,; I don’t get the impression that he’ll stay sober/clean.
I haven’t watched it all, I feel so sad for her and the children.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that must feel like.

I'm a child of an alcoholic, so I identified with the two young women who talked about their parents. But the story that broke my heart, was from the woman in the group talking about her adult son.

He says he’s relapsed ‘many times’, so clearly more than twice.

It is not his fault that he became an addict as a teen as it is not our fault what happens to us during childhood. He was failed and is living with the consequences. You wouldn't tell someone who was SA as a child and became an addict because of it that it is their fault, would you?

But as an adult he is now responsible for his behaviour and impact on others. Perhaps it is his fault that he doesn't seem to have done a lot of work to overcome his addiction by now, but it's not his fault that he became an addict in the first place.

It seemed to me that he is either completely in denial about the severity of the situation or he just isn't very bright.

@CosmosQueen i got the impression he had been clean for long periods - like 8 years plus - although it was confusing and Emma was clearly still in a high emotional state worrying about him.
Ive learnt a lot from this thread - thank you for all your honest contributions.

@BM2014 thank you for coming here and sharing your daughters story. I’m so sorry this happened to you as a family.

I just feel it's something that happens far more than is realised, there is not much support out there, from my experience
It appears that alcohol issues with young woman is becoming far bigger than anyone realised
Along with anorexia, and bad relationships, it's a growing problem

I think alcoholism is far too normalised in our society full stop. There’s the whole “wine o clock” culture, seen right across instagram and facebook. Wine / alcohol = way of coping with stress. People like to kid themselves they’re not reliant on it or it’s not an issue because it doesn’t fit their own perceived notion of an alcoholic downing pint after pint in a pub or swigging away on a bottle of vodka, but the thought process is the same thing.

There’s also a misconception that someone is only an alcoholic if they’re drinking a lot. That’s actually not true. It’s the psychological need for a drink, and the changes in personality even if it’s just one or two. It doesn’t have to be drinking to excess. Of course it can be, but it doesn’t have to be.

My mum could have just one drink and she would literally change in front of my eyes. It was like a demon side to her that emerged with every sip. There were some incidences where she would get absolutely plastered (I’ve had to go out looking for her at 3am before because I’d taken her car keys from her so she couldn’t drive home and she would let herself out of the house in her pyjamas and take herself for a walk, shouting at everyone and anything, including me) but a lot of the time it was just her drinking, every night but not always a lot.

I’ve also witnessed her- with me aged 4 - trying to stab my Dad with a fork because he wouldn’t let her out of the house to buy alcohol. Irony being both of them were drunk.

Oddly enough I didn’t grow up in the stereotypical shouty, drunk family most people would think of hearing that. My Dad was the chief executive of a multi National company, and would often visit clients from Japan for business meetings. Drinking was normalised. My Mum was a trophy wife - glamorous and knew how to put on a good show. We lived in a very nice house in a very nice area of London.

Alcoholism is just like the rain, it can affect anyone from any walk of life but I think those who are middle class often like to pretend they are somehow better alcoholics, if that makes any sense. I think some of the programme made me feel that way about Emma and Matt. If they were living in a council house, surviving on very little money and Dad was in and out of rehab serious concerns would be raised.

I’m sorry that turned into a bit of a waffle, and I realise I’ve made it sound as though I’m replying just to @BM2014 who clearly doesn’t need my mental unloading. I supposed the programme just got me thinking about my own experiences a lot and it’s good to vent.

Emma looked broken. I can’t work out why she got married to him barely out of rehab and then proceeded to have three children.

At the support group, did you notice that she did not actually say anything about her feelings about it all. She talked about everyone else in the room, I think she even talked about his feelings.
Yet nothing about how she felt. Despite the fact she was clearly feeling a lot of emotion.

She didn't want to do the programme. She held out for a long time. She didn't want the public exposure. She gave in only because he kept asking her to. It's clear that when she tries to justify the making of the programme, her heart's not in it which is why she gives very little of herself away.

there's a codependency there isn't there?
Matt knows that Emma adores the bones of him and will always be there no matter what.
He wasn't talking like someone who really wants to be sober for life. I think he feels that he's in a sober phase right now but will inevitably mess around on tour and Emma will support him and stand by him.

I recall listening to an addiction therapist say that a recovering addict's first priority must be to
protect their sobriety.

Matt said several times that touring was a huge trigger for him which begs the question why would knowingly put himself at risk of relapse. Suspect the adulation and his ego play a massive role.

Can he say he is not going to go on tour and get a job supporting alcoholics and drug users instead? The agencies working in this field love to have volunteers with lived experience…

Completely agree with this. If they were working class/unemployed Emma & Matt off the rough estate nobody would respond like this. It'd be leave him, you're damaging your children.

Lol.

Follow the money.

Oh yes the ego is huge.

I noticed today that Michelle Heaton, of Liberty x, has jumped on the coat tails on instagram, posting a video of herself in a drunken state to applaud Matt W and has posted a lengthy statement all about her own addictions. I can’t help but feel a bit torn about it all. In some ways if it helps some people overcome similar issues then it’s worth it but the cynic in me thinks it’s just an excuse to feed their own egos, and I do wonder about the damage they’re causing their children long term by sharing so much.

He’s been very very damaged by his childhood. It’s the trauma he needs to deal with isn’t it. His mother stayed with an abusive man and she didn’t protect her children. Emma can go and get herself therapy - Matt appears to be avoiding it and at the start of the programme he was “looking for answers” - he heard the answer but isn’t dealing with it yet. It ended saying he’s exploring therapy options. They acted and looked like they loved each other deeply. Yes she maybe codependent or a rescuer or enabler. He should be avoiding the triggers - not running towards them - If you look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families the traits are clear on how it impacts children. The children have lots of protective factors like a loving mother and father, good grandparents on Emma’s side. I wish them well and hope he gets the help he needs.

It was very hard to watch. Some observations I made were that Emma is clearly an empath and they usually give everything to others but often neglect their own needs. She looked absolutely broken to me. I didn’t think he came across well at all. He seemed incredulous that he holds any kind of responsibility to do the work to stay sober. Why hasn’t he sought therapy before? They have the finances and resources to do so. If that was me I’d be researching the heck out of it and actively seeking answers about addiction and how/why it happens.

Also why have they never talked about it? They have kids together fgs. He stated he felt bad at the toll it’s taken on her but at no point in the documentary did he ask her how she felt, physically comfort her and really listen to her, but he seemed fine with listening and supporting others in the group. It seemed all a bit me me me. As for the touring - there seemed to be no acknowledgment whatsoever that it might not be a good idea for him to go. There were no plans as to how he’s going to deal with it considering touring is a massive trigger for him and he always relapses on tour. It just seemed very matter of fact like “I always relapse on tour but I’m still going anyway”. No acknowledgment of how anxious that must make Emma feel.

His childhood is absolutely not his fault and it has clearly damaged him but it IS his responsibility to process how he thinks, feels and behaves as a result. Especially when it’s affecting his wife and children.

Sobriety isn’t an easy road, you have to “do the fcking work” as a sober coach I know of says. I don’t think he is doing that at all. He needs support and so does she but I fear she is now cemented in the role of “nurturer” for him and this has set up this unhealthy dynamic whereby he is the vulnerable one who needs looking after and she is the “mum” who does the looking after. That’s not healthy. He has the ability to take control of his life and empower himself and she should be allowed to be vulnerable at times and receive support when she needs it.

You can visibly see the toll it’s taken on her and I just hope she has an outlet to express that without feeling that if she does so, she is somehow betraying him.

It’s not a relationship I would want for myself but I wish them both, and their kids all the best as you can tell that they genuinely do love each other.