Married to a paedophile

[WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream]

Anyone watching?

If you feel any duty to protect your kids you do whatever it takes to do so. That is firmly my standpoint & one i have personally had to do within my own family - not for anything sexual but for abuse. If said family members came anywhere near my children i would have no hesitation to step in with whatever was required to keep them away.

I struggle massively to understand anybody allowing such monsters near their kids. PTSD, previous abuse, mental ill health - no excuses for paedophilia. Or drink driving. Etc

ncforcommenting of course it is hard when it is family. It is hard when the man who loves you hits you, or the man you adore is abusive, or the father you love does something vile, but that is when people outside your immediate situation need to tell you the truth, that this kind of thing makes a person a very unsafe person to be around your kids. Or anyone else's kids.

If as an adult women (or man), any person, choose to stay in touch with an abuser, that is their choice.

But they cannot put their own kids in harms way. People outside the situation are saying this because it is a safeguarding issue.

Children's safety always comes before adults feelings.

And if people say well my dad would never XYZ with my kids, then I guess a year ago or two years ago they might have said my dad would never look at images of children being abused...

Lemon I hope you are okay.
What a horrible situation to be in.
Your DH is right though do NOT let your paedophile father near your DC. Under any circumstances.
My heart goes out to you

Also, I was raped. I have PTSD from that. But I find it very offensive that nonces use that as an excuse for abusing children. It's NOT an excuse.

Well my family member my dc do have a very monitored relationship with the family member and it wasn't sexual abuse but it took a lot of thinking to reach the decision. I don't think it makes me a bad parent- there are people we don't know about everyday involved with our children in school, friends houses, in the wider community. I do know the risk factor so contact is incredibly monitored by myself in this case.

I agree with ncforcommenting. I don’t understand why so much abuse is being aimed at lemonpie35 when she hasn’t actually committed any crime? She is not responsible for what her father did and she is a victim in all of this as well (granted, not to the same degree as all the poor children). It’s very easy to shout about what she “should” be doing, when we know very little about her situation.

Back onto the programme though, I just can’t get THAT story out of my head. It’s just so utterly vile. I’ve heard a lot of horrible stories in my life, but my God that shocked me .

Knowledge is power. We cannot protect our kids from every aspect of danger around them...but we can protect them from the danger we do know about

pissedoff.com everything you say is bang on.
Me and DH love each other to bits but have this is the only thing we would leave / report each other for.

ncforcommenting I was not commenting on your situation. I do not know the risk factors. I was referring to Lemon.

Only you know the dynamics of your own relationship but I think my point was that people outside a situation may not have their judgement clouded.

babysharkmummy i would lynch my DP from the rafters & then make sure had nothing with which to get aroused with ever again.

I am in a good place after my abuse, it no longer holds any fear for me. But watching programmes like this - and seeing people willingly excusing it all - makes me anxious as fuck about if that ever happened to my kids. I'd make life difficult for anybody i knew to be a convicted paedophile

ncforcommenting "...there are people we don't know about everyday involved with our children in school, friends houses, in the wider community."

There are safeguarding policies in schools, nurseries, churches,youth clubs etc. All aimed at keeping our children safe when they are not with us. Who we let have direct contact at home with our kids, is down to us.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 who has aimed abuse at Lemon? No one has. We are pointing out the dangers, that is all.

Having watched more of it I now feel this is a sinister attempt to garner and sympathy for these dangerous, selfish, immoral men. What about the bloody victims in all of hhis? They will be hugely damaged their whole lives!

@Italiangreyhound sorry if I sounded like I had taken your comment personally, I hadn't and wasn't answering you directly with my later comment but I agree that outsiders may not have their judgment clouded but equally I think not having personal experience of the dynamic makes it very easy to be black and white about something that IME just often isn't as simple as that.

For example one of my factors in deciding to mantain the dc having a relationship was the impact on other family members if I had decided otherwise. All round it made more sense for everyone to keep and monitor the contact sensibly

I think @lemonpie35 is, in one sense, another one of her father’s victims. You are supposed to be able to rely on your parents, to trust them 100%, and now she is mourning the father she thought she had, the trust she thought she had in him, which he has so wickedly betrayed.

When he chose to watch videos/view images of children being abused, he did so with no thought at all for the effect that it would have on his family, if his crime was discovered. He has shown himself to be selfish and to have no regard of the feelings of others around him - even his own children.

She is in the horrible situation of having two fathers - the loving, trustworthy, decent one she thought she had, and one who is a paedophile - and it must be horrendously difficult to deal with.

Plus, half of her, genetically and in terms of upbringing, comes from him, so maybe rejecting him feel like rejecting part of herself. It could also be that she needs to minimise what he did, because the alternative - that she is half him and he is what he is - is too awful to contemplate. I can understand that.

BUT her dh is 100% right to refuse him contact with his grandchildren. A man who has done that is not safe to be around children.

There are safeguarding policies in schools, nurseries, churches,youth clubs etc. All aimed at keeping our children safe when they are not with us. Who we let have direct contact at home with our kids, is down to us.

We do... however abusers just get wiser to safeguarding policies and still abuse if they are really intent on it. Safeguarding is necessary but it's IME as someone abused (different situation, not family member) as a child - something that doesn't stop abuse, it does make it harder thankfully but all the policies in the world didn't protect me. My abusers were the ones doing the "safeguarding" where it happened.

Pissedoff.com - watching this I feel lucky that I was an adult when I was raped
Which I have PTSD from and he should NEVER have used that as an excuse to hurt innocent children - mental illness is not a reason to be a fucking nonce.
I run a breastfeeding group and that bit about the women BF made me bawl.
My DH is after going all vigilante

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
You have just said everything I wanted to say to Lemon. more articulately than I ever could

babysharkmummy it's small mercy i guess because it is maybe slightly easier to digest? I dunno.
I struggled with BF but the thought of feeding my child then watching some monster do that made my stomach turn.

Tell your DH me & DP are game. Bullets are cheap

Destinysdaughter I agree, it seemed to turn real life horror into a kind of docu drama.

ncforcommenting "... equally I think not having personal experience of the dynamic makes it very easy to be black and white about something that IME just often isn't as simple as that."

But to me having someone convicted of looking at images of child abuse, maybe thousands of images, thousands of children, it really is black and white.

I think your own situation and your own choices are making you think it is complicated, maybe your own situation is a lot more complicated and I was not judging that. And you said "IME" but you said your situation was not like the one in the prorgamme. So it is more IYO, as it is IMHO.

We are comparing different things. I am not judging your situation, I am commenting on the one in the programme. Those two examples and then the example from Lemon. But it is very much IMHO because I have not had this experience, thankfully.

Great post SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius. She is genetically 50% him, but she is not him.

She is not responsible for him.

And she must not enable his crimes by excusing them, making light of them and allowing her own kids to potentially be in danger.

Pissedoff.com sounds like a plan! I would be terribly bad at it so I would happily hide the bodies as my contribution
Yes, I've suffered a lot less trauma than people I know who were abused as children. Which strangely I am thankful for.

My dad's a 3 times jailed paedophile........Last jailed for 9 years in 2002.

I have no contact with him, I don't want any either. I do stalk him on facebook though........as well as being a paedophile he also has being a massive racist, Tommy Robinson supporter. He's currently ranting about child grooming. The temptation to comment on his open profile is immense. And I really do.not understand how women can stand by these repulsive men.

Also didn't like the actors but if they hadn't used actors I think the program would not have been fulfilling a duty of care to the families as they'd be targets of vigilante mobs within minutes of some of their comments!

ncforcommenting i am so sorry for the abuse you have experienced.

Lemon has had abuse IMO as she was told to “grow up” and told she wasn’t protecting her children. That’s pretty sh*tty to me. Besides, we don’t actually know what her dad did. She just said “downloading indecent images”. That’s an incredibly broad spectrum and doesn’t necessarily mean he viewed images of abuse (e.g. he may have viewed images that 17 year olds put up of themselves performing sex acts, consensually. Yes, TOTALLY wrong to watch and I would not be rushing to stay with a partner who watched that sort of thing...but quite far removed from stories like the breastfeeding baby and the countless other horrific acts involving children). I just hate how quickly Mumsnetters turn on people and judge them, especially when they don’t know the facts in a particular situation.

Digsy so sorry for you going through this