finding mum and dad.....

[crikeybill]

On channel 4. Holy Christ I'm sobbing. I've tried turning it over but I have to know if someone adopts them....

I see what you mean, I hope that as a result of this programme Thse Chidren, Connor and daniel and Scott were adopted. Though I understand there are many Scott and Daniels out there looking for a forever family.

Kew

I thought the parties could have been better organised - perhaps rotate the children so the adults get the chance to interact with all the children there.

The couple who dressed up as batman and SuperTed seemed out of their depth and not sure what to do with themselves. Maybe make the parties more frequent but with less children so not overwhelming for everyone involved. As they are a new idea I'm sure they will come up with better ways of doing things.

I felt sorry for all of them - the children, the Foster parents and the adopters. I would love to adopt - but I am currently in a one bed flat with 2 dd's and doubt I'll ever be in a position to :-( .......where is that lottery ticket!! I'd buy a huge house with a massive garden and fill it with loads of children!

I left my DH, Kew, his opinion is irrelevant.

It probably is naieve. This is a telly addicts thread after all, not the Mumsnet Adoption Board so it's likely I have zero or little experience in the field. What is a 'disrupted adoption'?

goldface - exactly what Kew says

Iagree hee mabey less Chidren, and rotate the parents so they get a chance to get to know all the chidren

pigletmania - no-one is more prepared for the fact that no child is perfect than adopters. Its drummed into us. There was a day on our preparation course which became known as "The Day of Doom" as it was so bloody depressing about the issues your child would most commonly face.

Being matched with a child is really more like trying to choose which brand of additional need fits in best.

Of course many of our children go on to have minimal needs or completely different needs to what we were expecting and like every other person we roll with the punches (for want of a better word).

The difference is that we even lack the certainty that birth parents have - we don't know how old our child will be (pretty sure yours was 0!), we don't know their genes, we don't know if they've been exposed to drugs or alcohol or had good antenatal care and nutrition. And we have to deal with this uncertainty and additional need in a strange child that we are totally unbonded to, with no helpful hormones coursing around our systems - just a little demand stranger with you 24/7 old enough to judge what you're doing to them whilst outsiders pretend that this interloper is your much dreamt of child.

All we know is that our children will have additional needs. Forgive us if we allow ourselves the luxury that birth parents don't have of trying to pick the flavour of additional need that we think we'd cope with best.

I left my DH, Kew, his opinion is irrelevant - now you see if only you'd been able to choose a husband you might have for life rather than the first one that came along that would do then maybe your marriage might not have disrupted and his opinion would then be relevant... thats what you're suggesting for adoption. Factory line of children and adopters - take the first one and make the best of it.

Disrupted = breaks down.

Hayley Kew

So what is a 'disrupted adoption* please?

Oh I see Kew

Yes, DH 'disrupted' into physical violence, but I still gave him the full benefit of my unconditional love whilst he worked through his grievances with me.

So are you saying that it isn't 'try before you buy' with adoptive parents?

It's when an adoption breaks down

But can you clarify Hayley

Do you mean, if the parents just decide they cannot cope with a child or there are personality clashes or unforeseen financial problems, etc...

Ah, then we are in agreement after all (trying to do a smiley face for you but my phone is resolutely old school)

there isn't one reason for a disruption it is the equivalent to a birth child being put into care by birth parents.

I think technically disruption occurs prior to an adoption order so the child has been placed with you but is not legally yours.

Please don't say next that birth parents don;t have the choice of sending their child back because that it exactly why there are 90,000 childrn ein care - because their parents cannot effectively paretn them for whatever reason.

'try before you buy' - what on earth does that mean?!

I was trying not to rise to that one Kew !

gold

In the same way that there are many reasons a birth parent may have to take the tragic final step of putting a birth child into care, there are many reasons an adoption may disrupt.

I'm sure you'd agree that birth parents don't 'try before they buy'.

Cross posts kew

Birth parents do not know in advance if their child is going to have a disability and can often take years to realise and it can be incredibly challenging for example ASD

Same for adopted children only they're at higher risk generally...

Not sure of the point you're trying to make??

You are right kew, I don't have a clue, you obviously have been through this and have a wealth of experience. With an older child they are more difficult to place, as people want cute babies or toddlers, the o,der the child te mire they have even exposed to their previous environment, and more likely to have more difficulties.

Don't mean to be horrible and I hoe I did not come across as eing sarcastic as it was not meant to be, as I haven't been through this I don't know the issues that come with adoption

I watched I sobbed. I made an an appointment with my council to talk to someone about fostering.

If this program helps people to understand more about adoption then it's a good thing

goldfacegreen The right 'match' is incredibly important. Forget about the chemistry or what have you, we're talking about finding parents who can cope with the needs that a particular child has

My eldest daughter was placed for adoption when she 8, but it 'disrupted'. Why? Because it was a terrible match and because, through no fault of their own, her former adoptive parents could not meet her needs.

Disruption is devastating. I am sure they exist, but I have NEVER heard of an adoptive parents disrupting lightly. Only as a the awful end of a long fight to try and be the person the child needs, of trying often to the point of mental breakdown, depression and secondary post traumatic stress, to hang on and hang on

Why have my daughters done better with me? Because I'm a much better fit, and a good match!! For many reasons

It's no coincidence that some of the most successful adoptions of children with needs like say ASD or PTSD etc, are adoptions where the parent knew upfront about their childs needs and chose them as a good match. No pressure to take the child. A parent who truly positively wants or feels comfortable with a child with these needs

If someone were to tell SS they would just take the first child given no matter what their needs...well, SS would tell them no, that's crazy, you really need to think through not only what you can actually cope with without breaking down and having to disrupt, but also what you want to live with. That gives an adoption the best chance of success. That minimises disruption