finding mum and dad.....

[crikeybill]

On channel 4. Holy Christ I'm sobbing. I've tried turning it over but I have to know if someone adopts them....

I always wanted to adopt.. ALWAYS knew it was for me, had no interest in giving birth and doing it the old fashioned way.

Then Dh wanted a baby. HIS baby. HIs genetic baby. And so we gave it a go for a couple of years. Nothing happend for a long while and I convinced him to reconsider adoption.

We started the preliminary inquiries.. I looked in to the questions they would ask you read the books..

Then we had a personal loss in the family which meant we would have to put it off for a year. (their rules not ours)

During that time.. I got pregnant.

Around the time I got pregnant, friends of ours who were also dealing with inferitlty decided to go through the adoption process.

They adopted their little girl around the time we had our second baby.

They were asked questions about sex toys their sex lives.. Did you know you need references from your old partners too?

Can you imagine wanting a child and basically having to ask your husband's old girl friend for permission?

They also have to send a report to the child's bio parents once a year. HOw would you feel if you had to do that?

They want to know about your family hiistory too if there was abuse.. I would have had to tell someone about my parents beating me and then get my fmaily to give me references.

Dh had oringally told me that if we had one "natural" child we could adopt after that.

Guess who didn't adopt when it came time for us to have a third?

And tbh I don't know if it is something I will ever consider at this point.

I think it's funny that people on this thread will moan about others wanting a baby then say they tried infertility operations for 8 years so they can have a baby

Having a child is always a selfish act. It's because you want a fmaily you do it. An adopter who does it our of their own lovliness and kindess won't do the child who want a mum and dad any favors. They are basically a financial benefactor. The child wants to fit too.

And it isnt the same as having a baby.. because a baby fits to your life style, That's what raising a child means. You can change a 10 year olds personailty, you can't undo years of neglect and sexual abuse.

Why have none of you adopted? So who are you to judge these people who do give children homes and go through a fuckign horrible experience to do it.

Like everyone else I watched this with a lump in my throat and desperate to read a happy ending for those boys.

I feel for the couple shown last night as it was not edited kindly to them, imagine going to work today or meeting friends asking them why they didn't pick those boys.

With the additional needs thing I can imagine that it's so much more complicated when you are going through the adoption process. My DS2 has SN which were diagnosed as a chromosome abnormality when he was four. Before that though there had been a slow build up, a question mark and in that time we had learned to cope. If before he was born I had known about his difficulties I might have opted not to have him. It's not really so different is it. None of us know what we can cope with until it happens. You just don't get that slow build up (I imagine) with adopting an older child, and who could blame anybody questioning whether they could cope with them.

The programme really affected me, but mostly just showed that sometimes life is pretty hopeless. I couldn't for a minute blame any prospective parent for preferring a healthy baby whilst feeling incredibly sad for the life those older children should be having.

Way to not use paragraphs correctly

I thought your paragraphs were just perfect. So perfect I wanted to marry them and adopt have their babies

i just watched this. i hope so much that this programme has given hope to people who were pondering the idea of adopting. surely this programme would have given hope to daniel & connor, two really lovely little boys who would be a joy to anyone who wanted to adopt children. if i were younger and had room this programme would have seriously made me consider adoption

My MIL watched it. She said it reminded her of being an evacuee during the war and being among the very last to be "picked" by the hosting families. She says she still remembers feeling unwanted and scared all these years later.

It made me very sad I hope they find homes. So very sad when they were asking to go back to their family and the social worker was telling them they couldnt :(

I shouldn't be commenting really because I don't know anything about adopting but I found the tv programme incredibly moving. Thought the foster parents were wonderful.

Two things sprang to mind:

1. Given that going from being childless to having one child must be one of the largest, most radical changes anyone makes in their life, I think it must be incredibly hard (almost impossible) to consider adopting a child and all that that implies, when you have absolutely no experience of parenting. The whole thing must be totally bewildering - and I have the greatest admiration of anyone who is prepared to make that leap of faith.

1. Doesn't the system work against older children being adopted by excluding older potential adopters? We were only able to have one child even though we would have loved a large family: but by the time we had tried having dc, finally had one after eight years, then tried again and failed, I was nearly 44 yrs old. (Actually more complicated for us anyway because we are expats) but surely there are loads of families with older parents who would be prepared to take older dc on, but who are excluded from doing so?

Sans, loads of people adopt in their 40s and beyond. I was 46 and dp was 48 when we adopted our baby girl.

My LA will let people adopt babies aged 0-2 into their early 50's. Once you get to the older 50's they'd most likely restrict the age of child you can adopt to slightly older children.

On the subject of the adoption parties I was against them right up until they mentioned how many children they managed to place then I did a uturn in my thinking as that is now 48 (i think it was) children who now have a placement and hopefully a better and more settled life now that isn't to be sniffed at.
My thinking now would be to hold the parties but it is tricky my thoughts wouldn't be to exactly hide the purpose from the children but if they could have the parties without the children knowing about finding a family which would possibly eliminate the last one picked feeling that has been mentioned here

pleasejustleave

Kew

I have to admit, I still feel quite negative about adoption parties even though I completely acknowledge the positives

By the way, if anyone was interested, there was another very good documentary ("Adopt Me, I'm a Teenager") which was about older children in the US trying to find adoptive homes through adoption parties and TV appearances. It followed two 14 yer old girls who really wanted to be adopted, and it was very moving and interesting. You can watch it here

I watched & sobbed all the way through.
Just shows what a wonderful job foster carers do.

gold I have very little experience in adoption myself. I do however know someone who adopted and the adoption was 'disrupted'. The reason was simple, she had another child at home and that adopted child started to sexually harass the other to put it nicely.
She tried the techniques that SS recommended, tried to get help but in the end it came as a choice between keeping that child and putting the other at risk of being sexually abused or 'disrupting' the adoption.

The mum was absolutely devastated for the child. She wanted so much to give him a stable home. She was also so aware of what it meant for the child, incl the fact he would prob never have a family, how he would feel rejected etc...
I am at loss as to how you could say that these adoptive parents clearly weren't good enough.

Have just watched on catch up. Have to echo what others have said about the foster carers, and especially Katy, they were amazing.

So sad to hear about Scott being separated from his sister. I hope they still have contact

I only saw the last bit of the programme but, as a foster carer, was a bit worried by the end statement that adoption parties are now being rolled out nationally. I've cared for a few "unadoptable" children (who incidentally all went on to be adopted) and am not at all sure I could go to one of those parties to "sell" them. I think it would be a far better solution for the government and local authorities to ease up on their intolerance of foster carers adopting (I know it isn't always possible for security reasons, and I know it would deplete their reserve of foster carers etc, etc).

Also, despite the boys coming across as lovely in a 1 hour documentary I suspect their history and daily lifestyle is a lot more complex than such an obviously adoption recruiting programme would wish to portray.

scarletyger

Can you tell me why foster parents are usually no permitted to adopt?

We adopted a sibling pair. It had been considered separating them as our elder child was 7 (harder to place) and our younger one a global developmental delay & developmental uncertainty (harder to place) and there was a large age gap between them (harder to place). But they were right for us, and we are incredibly lucky to be their parents.

When you read the paperwork for children it is incredibly difficult to get an idea of the child. You see the facts, but can't feel the personality. Even with a video, which we were lucky to see of our children, you only get a limited idea.

I feel as if adoption parties are almost the last throw of the dice for some children, who may otherwise stay in long term foster care which gives permanance of a sort for their childhood but not the long term 40/50 year commitment adopters give. Someone may be tempted to consider a child that otherwise would have been ruled out on paper. So I think they are probably worth trying if sensitively handled.

Interestingly both our children were outside our expected age range, and not the gender combination we had always expected (though we never specified and kept our options open). Maybe parties are also a good way for people to have their ideas challenged.

And yes sanschocolat for us it was a leap of faith. Going from no children to a 7 year old and a toddler almost overnight was massive for us, but it was the best thing we ever did.

Nimby name

You will have to ask the sw on the site why because most fc are baffled they usually have to fight tooth and nail despite the children not being wanted by anyone else it's crazy they often only allow this when the children are 8or 9 and there is defo no chance any body will want them and even then they don't like it

It's often been said sw feel like yur trying to cheat some how actually ypur putting your self to be assessed twice once e as a foster Carer and then as an adopter and you also have all yur years of fostering you can be questioned on

Ahhh that's a lovely story TeenAndWeen. Nice to hear about happy endings

When the boys were aksing fc why can we stay with you

most likey because they are NOT allowed and any hint would mean the boys would be moved they are not to old and I didn't by that when the dad said it

I think the American system works the opposite way with regard to foster carers and their potential to adopt a child in their care which would make more sens really wouldn't it.. since it's the only family a child has ever known?

Huge respect to you Teenandtween

Devora/Lillka very glad to hear that older people can now adopt (which wasn't the case when we were researching it)

Agree scarletyger I'm sure there was more to the boys' background that the tv programme covered

Just pray they find their forever family