finding mum and dad.....

[crikeybill]

On channel 4. Holy Christ I'm sobbing. I've tried turning it over but I have to know if someone adopts them....

saying they weren't interested in any of the children because they 'weren't quite the right fit'.

What would you said?

Were they expecting to see a row of perfect children singing edelweiss before each delivering a short presentation on why they should be the chosen one?

Yes, thats what your preparation course leads you to believe.

The matching process is terrifying and without doubt the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life.

I would never have allowed a TV crew to film any part of it and I would never have lived up to the standards of MN. Terror doesn't tend to make for straight thinking in front of a camera and I bet that couple absolutely regret having someone shine such a blinding unforgiving light on such a stressful part of the adoption process.

Because after all, it's not as though you get judged and criticised enough in the process of adoption...

I only said no to one child and he was still waiting to be adopted after I adopted DS and it haunts me to this day. Even after I discovered that he had subsequently been adopted, I still feel guilty about it and judge myself that I could have taken him and I didn't and he stayed in care another 4 months. I was personally responsible for a child staying in care for 4 months for no good reason that I could articulate to you. I live with that and none of the rest of you do so you cannot possibly judge us as much as we judge ourselves I think.

I still have the picture of him I was given.

Oh kew, I will never forget the little girl we turned down. Ever. I am certain we were right to do so, and she will have been adopted quickly I would think, but the guilt will always be with me.

I'm watching now. Connor and Daniel seem like great kids and its a shame they cant stay with Katy and her husband.

I want to go adopt them myself! I hope they aren't split up.

I think I even had an MN thread about the guilt I felt 6 years later when I discovered (the joys of the internet) that his additional needs were more complex than DS's despite all the medical evidence being the other way around at the time of matching.

I can't even remember what nonsense reason I gave for not wanting him... I doubt it was even as well thought through as "not a good fit" though I'm hoping I didn't say that it was because his eyes were too close together.

I just remember the panic and the terror and the suffocating feeling that someone was asking me to decide if this child could be mine based on little more than a snaphot and a couple of lines.

I've just had my panel date today and nothing in the whole process (18 months and counting) has run the risk of putting me off as much as some of the judgemental, ill informed comments I see on MN.

To think that people really think that being matched with my child/children is akin to selecting a sofa from DFS...

And this from other parents!!

Do not listen to comments here. I have not adopted so I can not imagine what people who are or have go through. No judgements from at all. Its a big deal and I wouldn't expect people to just adopt the first child they see.

It my dad 8 years before he decided to adopt me never mind if it was both my parents going through it.

I hope someone sees this and takes Daniel and Connor in though.

MrsBW, I feel the same. We are coming towards adoption panel after an intense adoption assessment process and this week my husband and I are on our 3 day prep course. We have spent the day reviewing the severe neglect and abuse on children and what manifestations of behaviour we can deal with ourselves (hitting us, rage, sexual behaviour, learning delays, rejecting us etc). Then we watched this program and saw the portrayal of adopters being picky and the implication somehow that we are deciding against kids because they aren't cute enough as opposed to the myriad of needs that you will be taking on. My husband burst into tears - it just got too much for him. He just felt so judged by people with happy, well adjusted children when he is the one committing to taking on a severely traumatised child and just wants to make sure we match with the child our skills can best support.

Just have to jump in and defend that lovely couple.

I would not even have been allowed to go to one of those events by my SW because she knew me well enough to know that I'd want to adopt every child in the room. I would not have been emotionally strong or brave enough to say that the children were not right for me.

I was amazed at their bravery and I hope they get matched soon as I'm sure they will be wonderful parents.

I did eventually adopt a so called hard to place child. A hard to place 10 month old baby. But we were matched in the traditional way. We were the only couple in our area who had ticked the box saying that we could cope with her particular illness. We had to think long and hard about how we could cope with helping her through the illness and how we felt about the illness possibly limiting her life. We decided to adopt her but we would have been perfectly justified in saying no.

As it turned out she was tested after the adoption went through and all traces of the illness had gone. We are obviously just thrilled for her not to have to go through life having to deal with it.

I do get annoyed when people who know nothing about adoption feel the end to make comments like the ones I've seen on here.

Yes and very easy to sit in an armchair weeping and saying you would adopt them all in a heartbeat. And then ahem not.

I thought that Big Ted and Batgirl were lovely. When the bloke was quiet in that room whilst his wife was trying to get him to look at the photos, well my heart went out to him. He was being honest. And it takes a lot to be that honest in those circumstances. He will make a great dad.

Also I'm sure that the couple were only there because they will have been approved to adopt an older child or children who have similar needs to the children in the room. This is not a couple who only want to adopt a perfect young baby.

They may have seen and played with lots of children there who at the time they thought they could adopt . But once you read through the child's paperwork and understand the particular needs and history of that child or the, perhaps complicated ,contact arrangements with the birth family you realise that the child's situation does not suit you.

I knew the moment I read my DS's profile that I loved him and instantly made the decision that he was the one.I hadn't even seen a photo at that stage. My DD's profile was much harder to digest and we needed to do quite a bit of research before we made our decision.

Well said, kerala. Sure, we'd all love to take them all, in an ideal world. No-one in that programme came across to me as wanting a perfect child, they would have been well-prepared before they attended and were really emotional about the whole thing. When the foster mother said the boys had had awful nightmares when they first came to her, well, that tells you what terrible trauma they had been through and we only saw a tiny glimpse of that. They are boys with a past, and it's no good going into it with some Disneyland view of happy families, that does the children no favours.
When we adopted, dh had very very little experience of small children, he would have found it excrutiating to dress up and act as if he knew what he was doing in front of a) all those people and b) tv cameras.
It was a heart-rending programme but those prospective parents were doing their best.

Well I cried from beginning to end. I found it absolutely heart breaking. I'm still not sure whether I agree with these parties or not. I saw the couple on this morning and they said that the boys weren't aware what the party was about, but then there were several occasions they were talking about his 'forever family' and talking about it like it was a definite. I didn't really understand that because it was sounding like chances are, they won't be adopted and will just move on eventually to another foster home. Having said that, I suppose at a certain age, they do need to be aware that their foster parents aren't going to be their family forever. So happy though, that they won't be split up.

I sobbed when I saw that little boy talking about how his sister was chosen to live in a forever family and was then shown pictures of her [sad I'm not saying I disagree with them doing that, but bloody hell....I haven't a documentary this heart breaking and tear jerking for a very long time.

I know of a family who adopted a child and then when the DC had special needs, they sent him back. He was about 5 I think. It mad me so, so sad to hear about it.

It was probably better that the couple on the programme walked away if they could see that they would not be able to give a home to the children they had met, rather than raising expectations and then dashing them.

I have to say I know nothing about the adoption process but I was so shocked to learn that siblings can still be split up nowadays (in this case, to 'give the younger child a better chance of finding a family'). I would have thought the most important thing was for those children to still have that connection with the only member of their birth family they still have . I really don't understand it.

the most important thing is for every child to have a family life. Siblings are not split up lightly and those siblings groups who are broken up often have contact.

I know one sibling group (currently 9 children and counting...) who wer adopted separately and they do have contact once or twice a year (and it can be more regular if sibling live more locally and are closer - in this case the siblings have never lived together)

I can see that, and can imagine especially in the case of 9 siblings why it can't be avoided sometimes. It's just so sad when there are just two little boys who are obviously so close that a family can't be found to take both of them.

Is it that the adoption process is made too difficult for the (potential) parents so there just aren't enough getting to the end of the process? I have always heard that but don't know if it's true.

I sobbed and sobbed through the entire show.
I thought Connor and Daniel were wonderful.

Scott reminded me of a little boy who has a similar background. I cried that Scott may never have the same and was split from his sibling.

Laregina From my experience as a friend of adoptive parents it is very difficult.
They described it as having hoops to jump through, then when they were through them and ready for a breather, another lot of hoops came and they raised and smaller therefore harder to get through. Next round, more hoops, yet smaller and higher still.