Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

@Shitsandwiches id love DD to get art therapy. Who runs it?

I almost wish DD didn’t want to go to school and we could try something else. But she still does.
We have to pick GCSEs in the next few weeks which is causing issues already.

@Teatime55 oh god it's so difficult. They have us treading on eggshells with everything. Goal setting, praise and positive reinforcement just doesn't wash!

I was offered the art therapy by our Early Help Social Worker. DD initially wasn't interested. Her response to everything is a flat No. But because I'm working with her in trying to facilitate school at home (with the intention of getting her back in at least part-time, although she doesn't know that yet, she thinks she's permanently off), then she's agreed to it.

Her SW sent me details of where it is today, its in a social work youth centre I think - and I just thought oh God she's gonna take one look at the place and refuse. I have to take her along to meet the therapist, probably next week, and I just know I'll be get an earful on the way out. I was thinking today how I should act when we're in there, because I can't win whatever I do - if I'm in anyway friendly and positive, she'll glower at me like I'm some over enthusiastic toddler mother 'oh look darling, those are nice pictures on the wall' or maybe I should just hang back and not say much?

Can't win!! But keep trying anyway x

@Teatime55 if DD has an EHCP therapies, including art therapy, can be included in there.

@Shitsandwiches if attending school isn’t appropriate longer term you could look at an EOTAS package.

Not had such a great morning with DD. She hasn't slept because her routine is completely out. What initially started off as a calm talk turned in to her becoming suspicious - asking questions about what's happening, questions about Art Therapy, is she going back to school etc - I was trying to manage her, tiptoe around it while expressing concern about her not sleeping properly, that if she's going to do home school she needs to be in a good sleep routine, the SW wants her to do the therapy and I agree with it because she needs to get on top of her anxiety for her future, and that she needs a bit of help with the fact she sees everything (school/home/literally ALL people) as negative.....and then it kicked off with her saying she won't be doing the therapy.

She asked about horse riding, said the SW had told her she needs to something active or she can't do home school. I grimaced because horse riding has become such a bone of contention between us. For me - it costs a fortune, it takes up half my Sunday and for what? 9 times out of 10 I get bollocked and character-assassinated all the way home for something that went wrong in her lesson, or something she wants that I've said no to. It's like she sees an opportunity to let rip because we're on our own. I can't find equine therapy anywhere near us. I could ask the stables I guess if they know anyone.

She's gone back to bed and will probably sleep all day and be up all night again.

In my darker moments, I worry that this is a personality disorder and can see no way out of this, or at best, she's spoilt and controlling and by the time she grows out of it, she will be uneducated and unsocialised. Her father has a personality disorder and we have had no contact with him for nearly five years.

I'm expecting to get turned down for camhs this week as well.

I don't want another crap, hopeless weekend :(

I was just reading another thread on here that @SockGoddess you were on before setting this thread up.

There was the usual MN flaming on there of others - one point relevant to my situation that was missed on it with the whole nature, nurture argument, zero tolerance, it's the parents fault etc, is that I have 2 DDs, both raised by me in the same way, both lived in the same household, both lived through the same events with their father, same schools, both are girls, and yet both are COMPLETELY different people. Absolute chalk and cheese.

Older DD mature, empathic, insightful, helpful, calm, quietly boundaried - sees the value in life and wants to have one when she's older. Younger DD, well - the opposite to say the least. Yes of course it's parenting, I'm naturally a laid back person and do struggle with boundaries, but it also comes down to an individuals personal temperament and tendencies, perception of self and others, position in the family, attachment, biological sensitivity to hormones, IQ etc.

We're mothers, but we're also human beings trying to do our best, trying to reason with the unreasonable - so I'm going to disengage this weekend and do things for myself (even if they are mainly domestic chore based!) and I hope you all find something positive this weekend too with your families

My dd has just woken up in a foul mood after lying in for ages. It's a gorgeous spring day here but we'll be stuck in all day. It's going to be a long weekend 😩

@Shitsandwiches What about equine assisted therapy?

My DD 13 has ADHD and god it's hard work. Hard to know how much is just being 13

Feel you there Lollipop. The moods just dominate, it's so wearing. I've been out today, left her in her room.
Yeah same Marchsnow - don't know how much of this can be put down to 'just' teen behaviour, or how much of it is something that could take a lifetime to unearth, diagnose and fix. Sounds dramatic but that's how I feel at the moment!

Justkeep - I've looked but can't find anything near me.

actually, thanks @JustKeepBuilding for the prompt - I just did another google search and have found somewhere about 40 mins away - have emailed an enquiry

That's so true Sock (plus lovely to hear!) I agree, I think it has possibly helped with school and the SW that at least one of my kids seems to be ok!

I was saying to DD1 today actually, that if it wasn't for the fact that she was not going to school, I could probably cope with it and would write it off as teen behaviour and probably not be on here. But the whole school issue, not having close friends, me needing social services support etc.....it's taken it to a level that makes me feel an utter failure, very worried about her, don't know how this is going to end up etc.

Anyway - you're right, the weather is beautiful, spring flowers are my favourites. Life is worth living and there is hope for us all😊

Same with my dd. I dread waking her up for school she makes every excuse to delay things and I'm so anxious and stressed. She takes ages to get ready as she has to look just right or we have a meltdown. When we finally get to school and she's a little anxious mess I feel terrible for sending her in. It's so draining.

Sending sympathy to everyone on here. My DD hasn't been near school since October. I don't even mention it any more. School have stopped contacting us and the social worker mentions it half-heartedly every now and again only to be met with a firm no way from DD.

I have the social worker visiting tomorrow for what I expect to be her final visit. She is trying to get DD to agree to a family reunification program which includes part-time accommodation. It is a wonderful opportunity but DD is not interested. She says she doesn't want to live with us but won't go there because she absolutely does not want to repair our relationship.

How are well all today? DH has had to leave for work for a week so it's just me an E (my son is at university). No card from my son and E will be sleeping for a long time so probably not a lot from her!

On the upside she was in school for an hour on Friday for an exam and she came with us to see my family yesterday which was lovely to see her smiling with her cousin.

Not sure if she will go to school next week and I'm just focusing on trying to keep her calm and get her through her exams.

I'd prefer it if she would just say she's not going in but every day we have the stress of getting her up, her avoiding getting ready, and then wondering if she will go to school. And then she doesn't and I feel sad. Add to that the fact that she can't get to sleep on her own and I don't feel like I have a lot of control over my life!

However, I'm clinging on to the positives that she has own test down and hopefully she can do the remainder

Hi everyone

@Chrysanthemum5 that is so positive. I really hope that it's a tiny little turning point for you all.

@lollipoprainbow yes I absolutely dread going into DD's room in the morning. Knowing what to expect but hoping today will be different. She stopped dragging her feet in the morning with getting ready a while ago and now just doesn't get out of bed at all, shouting at me to get out...

@WhippetyStourie gosh whippety, my heart does go out to you. I'm trying to think what I would be doing in your situation. I think in all honesty, if this is going to be your SW's last visit, and your DD is refusing all help on the table, and it sounds as if you have been trying for a long time with her - then I think I would would feel I had no choice but to completely disengage, cut contact and stop trying with her. Sounds so cold hearted and the opposite of who we are as parents, but you're powerless, you can't control it, and I think I would resign myself to moving on with a heavy heart. Until she felt able to try and rebuild a relationship in a couple of years if she wants to. You have to look after yourself too. I don't know your situation obviously, but I'm sending you a big hug.

I've been reading and lurking on this thread for a little while. I now feel ready to share our situation which is so similar to many on here.

DD 14 is diagnosed ADHD. Things have been strained for a while with moodiness, volatile friendships, making friends with children that aren't very nice (bloody awful in fact). We also have pretty bad gender identity issues going on and poor mental health.

School attendance used to be absolutely fine although she's never been academic. Following a fall out with her friendship group she's only been in a fraction on the time she should since January.

We're waiting to get ASD diagnosed too - although I don't really see what difference an additional diagnosis will make. There's no worthwhile support from CAMHs.

Sleep is such a massive issue. She'll literally be awake all night and then sometimes all day until she pretty much collapses. Sometimes when she's supposed to be going yo school she'll only fall asleep for the first time at 6am. She's supposed to get up at 7am. She has Melatonin but rebels against using it. If I push too hard encouraging her to do things there are threats of running away, self harm (which she's done in the past) and suicidal thoughts.

It's very very hard. My sympathy goes out to all of you dealing with such difficult situations. It's not normal parenting and unless you've experienced it it's impossible to properly understand.

I wanted to give you all hope.
DD was a school refuser on and off for years. I did write up thread about how hard it was. She is now nearly 20 and in her first year at university. I never thought it would happen. She had counselling and takes anti anxiety meds. Within the last two years she has turned a corner. She is delightful. She has SEN.
For my own mental health I had to 'let it go' in year 10 /11. She needed time to heal after trauma.
I used to open the bedroom door, sing good morning and say are you in today or not. I was threatened with court, fines and some family deserted me.
I urge you to join Not Fine in School Facebook group. Lots of help on there. I was a vet and they saved me.

@Lindy2 you are right - unless you've experienced this you cannot imagine how hard it is.

And if one more person tells me I should just get tough with her and force her into school I will punch them!!

Thank you @Newnamemummy it's lovely to hear from people who've been through it and have reached a good place

Dd has come off her adhd meds as she hated it and she is back to her old self. Thank god!! Still probably won't get back into school but she went to the library yesterday to work on her biology and she was talking about careers and jobs which is a huge step forward from a few weeks back.

The approach I have now adopted is let her make her own decisions. Stop nagging about work or school. It seems to have helped The nagging and stress approach was just damaging our relationship and causing myself and my dh to fall out as well.

Time will tell
But
I'm Sure she will eventually work it out for herself.

Just hope we can survive until
Then.

Happy Mother's Day all. We deserve and extra large

@Chrysanthemum5 😅yeah, 'why don't you just get firm and tell her she needs to go to school?!' oh my god if I hear that one more time as well. 'Great idea, why didn't I think of that? 🙄

@Lindy2 Hi Lindy - hugs to you too . There's just so much going on for our girls and the pressure we're all under to steer them in the right direction. I know that starts with the basics of a good nights sleep, decent school attendance and some healthy friendships - and that just seems completely unreachable now. Her sleep issues literally make my skin crawl with my own anxiety about her. I might try melatonin but I can't see her wanting to take anything.

@Newnamemummy It's really lovely to hear that about your DD. Well done her! and you!! Thank you for the advice and reassurance that this can get better. I am on that FB group notfineinschool and there are some reassuring and helpful posts there.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver I like your advice, just let it go at the moment, no nagging, it just makes it worse - I'm glad your daughter feels well off her meds.

I'm going to have a look for some melatonin I think x

Exactly @Shitsandwiches they must assume I a right useless parent who can't even work out the most basic of things. Even CAMHS once said to me that I should just say 'in this family we are kind to each other' when she was getting upset and angry. Because I would never have thought to do that myself 🤔😖

Oh for goodness sake!!
It's like victim blaming.
I'm sure it comes from a well meaning, trying to be helpful place - but it sounds like an insinuation that we're just plonked on the couch all day like Waynetta Slob, not giving a shit that our kids aren't at school and can't regulate their moods. The very fact we in contact with the schools/with SS/camhs etc shows we care.