Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

"I just think getting camhs support, getting an ECHP, appealing for LA funding for online schooling seems insurmountable, and so stressful with obstacles at every turn"

It is stressful but not insurmountable. One thing at a time. CAMHS first, and if you can get a supporting letter from the school or other professionals to add to the GP's that will help. They seem to always be able to write letters if nothing else.

CAMHS were not helpful and it took two years to get E's diagnosis but having the official diagnosis does help with the school discussions and talking to medical people etc so it is a step worth taking.

In order to enforce provision have you emailed the Director of Children’s Services informing them of the situation and requesting provision? If you already have or are ignored or the provision isn’t forthcoming email again reminding them of their duty under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and threatening judicial review. If that fails contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

Did people find CAHMS helpful. We saw them early on and they were lovely, but did not work. They suggested the ND assessment.

Girls with adhd mask too My dd has been diagnosed and we have had an awful 4 months. I'm sure it will turn a corner but life is really hard right now for her and me. We have tried meds but so far none seem to help.

This is dd if it helps

Really explosive reactive
Untidy
No time management
Cant get started on tasks homework etc
Cant make a decision
Gets bored quickly
Starts a project but can't finish it

However she is also
Very funny at times
HAs amazing creative talent
Works hard if she is interested
Has a small circle of trusted friends. Seems to make friends ok.
Enjoys going out shopping busy places are fine for her

If it helps to get. A picture of adhd. But everyone is different

Some of that sounds like DD but she is also routine obsessed and has major issues with food, smells, noise, groups of people. Which is why school is so hard.

Yes my dd is also anxious over thinks paranoid about making a fool of herself.

Scared to be vulnerable with friends etc waits to be asked to do something.

oh yes, masking. The GP talked about it and I thought, well don't we all to some extent! I'll be honest I don't know enough about the spectrums, or ASD/ADHD. It's a minefield. I can see all sorts in there that's similar to DD and then not. I'd love her to be assessed properly, but don't think that's going to happen anytime soon, and absolutely forget paying for it. She wouldn't currently engage anyway.

Our girls all sound so similar

DD was a clingy, anxious baby from day 1, and guarded and untrusting around anyone who wasn't me.
Was walking confidently in her babygro from 10 months but slow to develop speech - think she started speaking around 2.5yrs and she struggled with words and even now can trip over her words. Funny because when I had the SW assessment, it wasn't until we were wrapping up when SW was mentioning different services, and she touched on Speech and Language Therapy, and that it isn't just the way you speak, but also understanding what others are saying. And I thought, oh! didn't know that, and yes because she misinterprets so much -even facial expressions in me or her sister she can read as something different.
She was prone to being babyish, prone to regressive behaviour in times of stress.
She's led by her feelings completely. She has strong feelings and will say fully what's on her mind. And once she gets going, can't regulate herself, as a teen that presents as explosive anger, but as a small child, it would be as excitement, she could get silly and go too far and I've have to calm her down.
Can't cope with a sudden, unexpected change of plans. SW said that can be 'anxiety based safety planning that is too heightened' rather than spectrum behaviour though.
Has always just had 1 friend or a couple of friends. I think she feels detached from most people but will then fully attach to 1. And if they're not in school, she panics.
Wants to do her own thing and not team based activities. She likes horse riding and cooking because she's in control and it's her thing.
And she is a model pupil when in school - masking. No disruptive behaviour at all.

So goodness knows what the diagnosis is if there is one - but this school/lifephobia she has now hasn't just come out of the blue. It's been years in the making.

'In order to enforce provision have you emailed the Director of Children’s Services informing them of the situation and requesting provision? If you already have or are ignored or the provision isn’t forthcoming email again reminding them of their duty under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and threatening judicial review. If that fails contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter'

Thanks @JustKeepBuilding No I haven't done that yet. I think I'll save that for last. I've got a Team around the child meeting happening first week after Easter Hols at school. SW said don't take her off the school roll just yet, let's try flexi timetable first. I said - she'll need therapy first, she will FREAK if I suggest that to her at the moment. She's not strong enough to be able to cope with going in there again at the moment. Things are calm currently.

100% that too Sock!

@Shitsandwiches Have you considered a less direct form of therapy, one that doesn’t rely on communication so much and taps in to whatever DD’s interests are e.g. animal assisted therapy?

Don’t deregister DD at all. Parents find it easier to get support when on a school roll even if their DC can’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s ‘problem’ whereas it is easier to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you deregister. This way the LA must provide s.19 provision, but if you deregister you will be EHEing and relieving the LA of their duty. The exception to this is if you go down the EOTAS route once you have an EHCP.

An EHCNA can include a SALT assessment. The other assessment that many don’t realise is helpful is an OT assessment, especially a sensory OT assessment.

We’ve had a couple of few weeks where did was going in regularly for a few hours each day. Now we’ve hit a wall and she won’t go into school.
She’s miserable. She also doesn’t want to be at home either.
Shes seen her friends so little she feels left out and now doesn’t want to see them, only me.
She’s bored out of her mind but won’t go anywhere.

School are trying something new next week and whilst I think it might work for a bit, she will get bored of it and we’ll go back again.

What are peoples experience of the medical school for children who can’t attend.

I know you will all understand my excitement at a tiny step forward! E went in to the school at 4pm ( so limited chance of seeing anyone) to sign a form about her exams. Only spent a few minutes there's but she's not been in for weeks.

Not expecting this will be a turn around but it's something to cheer us up.

Thanks @SockGoddess I know if I tell people I'm happy she went in for five minutes they will think I'm being ridiculous- but it's a huge step for us.

How are you?

I just want to add the voice of someone further down the line. My dd had mental health problems with terrible anxiety and some depression. She was VERY hard work for a few years, exploding with rage, unbelievably sensitive to everything I said - literally NOTHING I said was right. I remember saying ‘I’m proud of you’ about something and she said ‘oh finally something you’re proud of’ 🙄

Aaaaaanyway, she’s now nearly 20yrs, we get on much better, she’s more thoughtful, reasonable and lots of fun to be with! It does get better I promise! My best advice is to pick your battles. There’s a good book about teens which says that whilst boys want to just disappear into their rooms, girls want to argue about everything and will actually seek you out to ‘battle’ about things (not really intentionally) - just try and take a deep breath and remember it’s not really about you, dreadfully hurtful though it can be.

Remember the old MN adage ‘this too will pass’.

Sending reassuring hugs and chocolate cake to you all.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, but I will definitely be doing so, because I am in the same boat as many of you. My DD is 13.5. Constantly tired, says she's ill to avoid school, says it's all pointless and she hates it. Often withdrawn. Has what you might call a special interest which is stereotypically 'girly' and she takes it to extremes (she has developed real skills though). Doesn't do any extra-curricular clubs at school or at home, despite lots of options and encouragement. Spends a lot of time playing Minecraft (another special interest) and looking at her phone. Exceptionally bright, but keen to stay under the radar in the middle of the class. Doesn't seem to make very deep friendships (one real exception). Prefers to eat outside of mealtimes. But when she's feeling more energetic she is funny, engaging, really kind and generous, creative and ambitious.
I get tired with having to fight so much to get her to school. And I feel really sad that I can see she's upset/struggling/fighting something but I don't know how to help.
TBH I do see some of me in her. I got through by virtue of the endless patience of may parents and sufficient time.

I'm so upset about my nearly 11 year old. She's autistic and has been off school all week as she can't cope with it. She's always been a great sleeper but the last week she has struggled to get to sleep before 2 or 3am and then has slept in the next morning until 2/3pm. She just wants to sit in bed with the blind shut watching her iPad. My heart breaks, it's a lovely sunny day and she is cooped up. It's not the life I want for my child.

Hi everyone - hi new mums

@Chrysanthemum5 that is such a lovely bit of news about your DD, well done her! - a little win and a massive step. Even if nothing else happens for a while, or even if things go backwards again - I think it's amazing she went into school - I think it might bode well in the long run!

@Treewarrior34 that's really encouraging to hear you've come out the other side, thank you. When in the midst of this, and it's all I know of my daughter at the moment, it seems almost impossible that she will mature and grow into a pleasant, sensible young adult!

@SockGoddess I know it's so tough, I think this is the hardest parenting stage I've been through - but I think it's amazing your DD made it into school for a couple of days and there has been some calm at times and you've managed to feel some semblance of normality for a bit, even if shortlived - it's something.

Selfishly I'm enjoying the peace and calm as DD isn't in school at all at the moment and I'm not missing the roller coaster of the school morning cycle trying to get her up and out - the elation and relief if she goes, the desperation, worry and feeling like a massive failure when she doesn't. It's too much at the moment.

SW let me know that DD has an art therapy place for the end of March. So - I haven't told her yet because I don't want her to back out. I'll approach it over the weekend...

@JustKeepBuilding that's really interesting, thank you - i'll look at the EHCNA