Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

@Hbradley

I wanted to reply earlier but was heading out. I’m sorry people haven’t been more thoughtful or supportive.

Regarding frustration and meltdowns. Yes we’ve experienced this and still do on occasion. Does your son have any SEN? My son’s diagnosed ASC. Sometimes such differences don’t become apparent until the teenage years.

@Fififizz Thanks for the note. )))) I’m probably being a bit over sensitive in terms of other people.

nope he doesn’t have a diagnosis and tbh I don’t think he’s on the spectrum (not sure if correct terminology). It seems to all be about regulating his emotions and his mood changes throughout the day…..although I guess mine do too, but it’s very apparent with him.

to be fair, tennis as much as he sometimes has enjoyed it can be a trigger so prob best avoided. A shame as he likes it when it’s going well.

@Hbradley

It's really hard when friends dont bother Does he game online with any of them. For boys often that's enough social Time they need? Has he tried to ask one of them to do something. Reaching out is not one sided? I get that can be hard tho.

Re the meltdowns. Sounds like he is either really frustrated with something in his life or he could
Have adhd or asd

It's difficult to say. Puberty is tough and it's hard to regulate but even harder with adhd etc.

Friends not bothering is heartbreaking. My dd had a few friends she used to play roblox with and would chat for hours and hours now they have all abandoned her. Not their fault they are just in different places to my dd. Sad though.

We've just had a kick off because I'm refusing to drive half an hour to get a Burger King! She's already had McDonald's for lunch but I'm the one being unreasonable! I ask you. She's now hidden the remote control so I can't watch the Bafta's or anything else. FML

@lollipoprainbow that rings true. Fast food etc is best according to my ds especially when his mood is low. It’s really hard to keep them eating well when they aren’t in great place. Think they want the fast food to get some kind of kick eg it makes them feel good for short time.

All - thanks for kind words x

OMG, the food shit. Mine goes through really strange food phases ATM. Currently primula cream cheese and water biscuits. Or a particular kind of cereal that I then buy boxes of, only for her to go off it!

@lollipoprainbow I hope you found the remote. I made a roast chicken tonight and all and will eat is the roast potatoes. Because DH not me made them. She’s eating them in her room. What a beige diet. Sending solidarity.

@Hbradley maybe consider exploring an EP session? Your son sounds very much like my DD a few years ago and she is ADHD.

@SockGoddess hope you managed to find a food compromise. It is bloody exhausting. Good luck for school tomorrow 🤞

had a dream last night that she and I had the biggest cuddle. It was so lovely. Told her about it this morning as she was in a relatively pleasant mood but she goes “oh nice, can you get out of my room now please”. I am so needy

@Wishiwasmycat yes I did and also some wine ! So watching baftas now and she's eating a jacket potato with cheese and beans. The dreaded school tomorrow and non uniform day which is always fun. Weirdly she wasn't too bad last week with the sats. No rhyme or reason !!

Is it awful to feel relieved to know I'm not the only one going through this?

My 11 year old DD is slowly driving me insane. She has been absolutely vile to DH and i all day today (because we made plans as a family and it meant she couldn't go out with her friend). I bit my tongue for as long as I could but it got to about 8pm and I couldn't take the rudeness and disrespect any longer and sent her to her room after losing my shit a little.

I have an 18 year old DD and 13 year old DS and had the usual teenage grumbles the youngest one is something else!!

I gave her the benefit of the doubt last week as I knew she was worried about SATS, it seems to have made her worse. I hate to say it but she is absolutely horrible to be around, cheeky, rude, doesn't listen, does whatever she wants, hits her brother etc. And then when you tell her off suddenly adopts this attitude like I am abusing her! I sent her to her room and she pretended to be terrified saying please don't touch me, I've never laid a finger on her! She's just so manipulative :(

I'm honestly at the end of my tether with her and she's only 11. I appreciate hormones are playing a big part of this (I think periods aren't too far away) but I don't think I can take years and years of this.

I haven’t posted for ages as we were doing pretty well (I thought).
Then last night, after a really nice evening where she was having fun singing and dancing along to Eurovision she came into my bedroom in the middle of the night having self harmed, crying saying she was so miserable, everyone hated her and talked about her at school. And she’s said that she’s hardly attending any full lessons in school (why haven’t school told me this?!!)
Then today she’s been back to acting happy again. I haven’t told my husband about the self harm as he was so happy that she’d had such an apparently nice weekend.

I think we are all in the same boat except my son is not yet 13. My biggest issue is with the school they keep complaining sending him out of class and sending him to this reflection room for the day. He hates school so much. Mine switches from being sweet and lovely to an attitude. What works is I just calmly tell him that I am not speaking to him while he has the tone of voice he is using. I use both a tough approach where he gets privileges removed and a firm talking to and to a softer approach where I speak to him on the level and ask him what is going on what will help. I try and not make it into a lecture. It is incredibly difficult though. This is the last big push until they become adults. Just around 5 years left for my baby 😢.

@Mydaughterskeeper

Re school not telling you: we have had a dreadful time with our yr9 daughter (now seems getting better, thank God).
In summary, we discovered in February that she had been truanting for 4 bloody months!!! Again, school didn't tell us. I won't go into detail as short on time, but the truanting resulted in a massive safeguarding issue- she was offsite with an older boy..who is now being prosecuted for arson. We have had police involvement too. Anyway, nutshell is that the school didn't communicate effectively with us. I made a formal complaint. If you haven't already, I advise you do so. They have now bent over backwards to help DD, but I truly believe this has only come about because we have threatened legal action/made formal complaints etc.

I’ve contacted school and they said she has been going to her lessons so perhaps that was her exaggerating/ catastrophising in the heat of the moment? I know she has a toilet pass which she makes liberal use of.
I just wish she would focus on her school as that would serve the duel purpose of distracting her from all her worries and drama and actually help her towards a decent future.

Hi all, been quiet for a few days.
It was looking a little more positive last week, she went into school for the last hour on Thursday, seemed happy coming out but then came down with a (real) cold in the evening and so didn’t go back in on Friday. She spent most of the weekend in her room. Managed to get her in again yesterday for an hour again, again seemed happy but when she met with our Early Help worker today she said she found it too hard. She won’t talk to the EH worker about what’s wrong, we’ve just been to see the GP and she went in on her own and came out in a foul mood as “everyone keeps asking me the same questions”. When I suggested she just needs to open up somehow because nobody can help if they don’t know what’s wrong, even if she just writes it down but I got accused of trying to have the same conversation yet again. She’s now stormed out and I can see that she’s sitting outside a friends house.
I am at breaking point now. There are obviously huge issues but she won’t tell anyone what’s wrong or how we can help and I’m all out of ideas.

I think being able to be independent raises self esteem because they are mastering something and being able to manage themselves. Doing everything for them it's sort of counterintuitive. I understand how you feel though, when your child has issues you want to make things better for them. Instead it's better to give them the tools to help the manage themselves. Ok you have school tomorrow let's make a list together what do you need to get ready? If my son comes to me in the morning mum I need my tie I remind when should he have been looking for his tie? You always have to double and triple check they have everything. Mine sometimes has his head in the clouds.
Also in my home I constantly say if the dirty laundry is not in the basket it is not getting washed -period. You have to remind them of this constantly until you sound like a broken record.
I find when I'm tidy and organised my mental health improves it's probably the same for children.

@MamaOdie i didn’t want to read and run. I’m so sorry. It sounds exhausting.
just wondering, do you have any pets? My DD really benefits from our cats.
It is so hard when they won’t let anyone help them. My DD nods along with the professionals, then comes out saying: that was a f’ing waste of time.
nothing changes

I hear you @Wishiwasmycat, I worry that she’s using all her chances of support, and will they disappear when she’s gone through them all and refused to engage with anyone?
Yes we do have a cat, we got her as a kitten last year. Ironically, it was DD who was pestering us to get a kitten but she hardly ever goes near her!! All the rest of us love her though 😊

I’m really struggling here.
Found out yesterday that months ago a boy pushed dd to go further than kissing (she was 13) and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
the self harm on sat was because a friend that she’d confided in at the time had started telling other people. Yesterday it reached school and they helped her to tell me.
I have no idea how to respond. I feel sick that she’s been sitting on this for so long feeling bad about it.
she hasn’t gone into school this morning-she’s just sitting crying over her make up and hair not being right
Never been more out of my depth.

It's one step forward and six back here ! Went into school like a dream yesterday but was up in the night telling me she was in pain and screaming the house down. Couldn't calm her down at all. She's exhausted this morning so hasn't gone in to school.

@Mydaughterskeeper, I am so sorry to hear this about your daughter. The poor child. As @SockGoddess says, reassuring her that it was 100% not her fault over and over again until it starts to sink in. And she obviously has your unwavering love and support. As for the so-called friend. She must be heartbroken to have had her trust betrayed in this way, but it sounds like the school is being very supportive.
Has the school got any advice as to how the boy can be dealt with? Is he at the same school? This kind of thing went on when I was at school, it is very upsetting and depressing to think that nothing changes. What happened to your DD was sexual assault, it doesn't matter the age of the boy. It makes me so angry.

It was not her fault. Poor kid. Sending love x

No he’s not at her school. Same age apparently but it happened on a holiday. I’ve said I can track him down but she doesn’t want that and just wants to forget about it. Again-no idea what to do for the best.

Yes the ‘friend’ has let her down. They had a falling out last week and that’s what precipitated her telling other people. School are dealing with this as well apparently.

She is slowly getting ready to go into school which is good but lucky that today is my day off. I’m worried about going to work tomorrow.

I hope she goes in and that her real friends rally around her. Girls friendships are so up and down, it exhausts me. God knows how they must feel having to navigate it all. That said, there is no excuse for what her friend did and I hope she is feeling very, very sorry.
Good you have a day off. Maybe once your daughter goes in today, you can take some time off to process and for some self-care. It must be a shock for you to find out what has happened and the self harm on top. Are your work flexible around WFH if you need to tomorrow?

Nothing to add today (we’re planning on going to school for the last hour) but just wanted to send you strength and hugs @Mydaughterskeeper