Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Joining, with 11 yo DD fully in the zone

my ds agreed to do a bit of school work at home with me today. Only about 15 mins but I will take that as a win. I feel he’s a bit calmer without school at the mo, but don’t want to speak too soon!

Something that frustrates me is that when you have a child with their own issues you can’t parent the way you’d like to.

id love to be able to ask him to unload the dishwasher or similar small tasks, but as I’m walking on eggshells it’s not worth it.

I even often bring his clothes to him so he will get dressed / bring him drinks / snacks etc….basically his slave. Feels very wrong.

need to work on that at some point but he needs to be more stable place first.

anyone feel the same? Hope everyone day goes as well as possible.

I am exactly the same. I do so much for her, for very little thanks. Take this morning, making her breakfast in bed because otherwise she won’t eat and I wanted her to go to school. She needs food as she gets so hangry. Then she’s like, could you jus tidy my room?
I feel like the poor mother in Muriel’s wedding.
glad your DS has agreed to do some work. It worries me so much that she has missed whole chunks of learning because she did sweet FA during the lockdowns.
welcome @SleepyRooster there is a bunch of very supportive people on this chat.

Yes, me too to the ‘feeling like a slave’. I do so much to ensure my son gets to school each morning, which is the daily priority for both me and him, but he’s approaching 14 and a big chunk of me feels like he should be more capable and I feel a bit resentful too if I’m honest. I was never supported like this growing up and had to get on with a lot.

I worry about him developing his independence skills too if he’s not doing things for himself. He wants independence when it suits him but not it seems in general terms. It’s difficult. He has ASC so I think I make huge allowances and very few demands. His teenage years are coinciding with my menopausal ones though and I’m definitely wanting to pull away. It’s a heady mix of hormones in our house currently….!

I have two daughters aged 13 and 15, and I am perimenopausal in my late 40s. I am struggling big time. I cannot deal with the slamming doors, laziness, lack of any help , won't pick up anything , constantly on phones , screaming, crying , sulking , moaning , hating us, hating each other . I actually wonder where we have gone wrong. I wish back to the toddler days , which I didn't really absorb as I was in the thick of it and it was also tough. There are a few moments of memorable joy these days, but they are rare . I see families having fabulous loving times together, but I am disappointed that we don't seem to have that. Meanwhile our weekends are spent ferrying them around to sport and social activities while they treat us like shit. I actually just want to check out and run away and leave them to fend for themselves. There is very little joy..memories are not being created ,not happy ones any way. Sending empathetic hugs to all you Mums out there.

Also meant to add I repeat myself constantly. Nothing goes in, nothing is absorbed. They do/ don't do the same things day in day out..I'm actually beginning to wonder if they're both o the spectrum!!! They then go mental when I say the same thing for the 500th time, but they still won't do whatever it is I've asked them to do. Pass the gin.

Also so much shit with other kids at school, never happy, friendship.isdues, really unhappy at the school, although eldest leaving June. Youngest doesn't want to change school.

sonething to give us some hope (perhaps) well I’m going to hold onto it. Just listening to podcast. Elizabeth day best friend therapy. Teenager episode.

psychologist said your child aged 5 is a better indicator of adult / person they will become, rather than how they are in teenage years. My ds although v hard work as a toddler, was then quite sweet, fun and confident.

Fingers crossed that psychologist is right for real and then maybe we have hope!

hang on in!!!!

Then again, he did have his ups and downs at 5…..I think I’m overthinking this now.

@Hbradley that is exactly what my DDs doc said to me. I hope she’s right. Maybe I should have got a signed guarantee.

is this really loserish, but I can’t listen to ABBA ‘slipping through my fingers’ without sobbing. I miss the old her so much. It breaks my heart because we used to be so close.

@Trickofthetrade it’s exhausting isn’t it? Feeling like a referee. And the friendship
issues are draining, as much for me as for her.

had a call home from school today, one of her teacher nemesis (what’s the plural for that) and it was like ‘yadadadadadada’. I was like at least she actually WENT to school today. What the f**k else do they want?

she came home, shut down, put herself to bed, didn’t want dinner. I would bet my cat on her refusing school tomorrow.

I can't listen to that song either . So sad .

@Wishiwasmycat

OMG, every time I hear that song I well up. I feel it’s my fault it’s all seems to be going downhill and want to re-wind. I’ve never found parenting or my child easy and I find the whole process quite lonely and not at all what I expected parenting/family life to be about really. I think part of the difficulty is that our kids have been born into a very different, modern, world. I’m hoping it all comes good in the end too! 🤞

Don’t blame yourself @Wishiwasmycat it’s not anything we’ve done. Our children are just wired differently or something. Yes, it’s completely not how I imagined.

What I’m hating at the moment is how frequently he changes his mind.

I’m avoiding difficult decisions as don’t want him to get angry but I need to have the conversation really.

Yesterday I was really positive that I should de register from school, he’s a lot better without it I feel, but he was occasionally says he wants to go back. So that leaves me in state of flux of calling school each day with him off with anxiety. But in reality it’s less anxiety now and more mental health more broadly now.

im scared that if he goes back he will be more violent again, every day will be harder but i also don’t want to stop in if he feels he can go back.bedtime will be bad and the morning and Sundays particularly awful.

I’m so tired. So grateful I’ve got a sick note at the mo.

@Fififizz please do not blame yourself. It is so very hard. I love her so much, but sometimes the behaviour is so hard to take and the verbal abuse is so awful that I cry and then get accused of playing victim. Honestly, what a cow.
Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs anyone can do. I had no idea. One of my friends has chosen not to have kids and was the happiest person I knew during the pandemic. I still have PTSD from the homeschooling / WFH nightmares.
I hope you have somebody that you can talk to about how you are feeling. Sending a big hug your way.
@Hbradley would a different school be an option do you think? Maybe speak with your council admissions team and see if there are any schools with some availability. Has he been assessed for ASD/ADHD? My DD has ADHD and so much of her horrible behaviour is down to that but it also makes for some of her more wonderful qualities too.
@SockGoddess your DD sounds so like mine. She was always so tidy and now her room is the room of doom. I wish I knew when they revert to being an older version of their younger selves. I got called a stupid prick last night at bedtime, so that was nice. I ignored it though and carried on as if I hadn't heard, so I think that was 1 nil to me. Seriously, I would never have dared to speak to my parents like that. In a million years.

At least it's Friday people.

Thank you all for the support and shared stories. It means so much to know that I am not the only one to be experiencing this, but at the same time I am sorry that any of us have to.

Found dd with another vape yesterday (she is 12) took it off her, you no what she said? "Can i have 1 more puff before you bin it" omg reallly!!!!!!

I actually ended up in tears again, exhausting

Oh @Muddlebubble it makes me so angry how these things are basically designed for children. The flavours and colours of them make them look cool and they even colour coordinate them with their outfits. FFS. How can these corporates sleep knowing they are essentially addicting children? It makes me so angry.
Yours is younger than my nearly 16 Y/O, so it's different and I totally understand why you are upset. It is exhausting and I feel like I am playing mind games all the time.

After last week's discovery, I have decided that I not going to die on the hill of vapes. I am testing the theory that if I don't react, it loses its cool. I even tried on in front of her, which probably made it instantly lose its shine and look naff. They are disgusting.

@SockGoddess THE TOWELS!!!!! I share your pain.

Oh and @SockGoddess great news about her going to school this week! We've also had a better week. Calls from school about behaviour, but she has actually been in on time twice.

Also can't listen to that song. She was such a happy,carefree little girl now she is a screaming, angry unhappy girl, it's heartbreaking.

Just wanted to get this off my chest but I’ve told some of DS’s friends mum why he’s been off school and they ask about him and I reply. But then they don’t say anything at all.

It would be really lovely if they suggested to their DS to perhaps just drop my DS a friendly message or something. I almost feel they think MH is catching or something.

One parent is social worker and other a counsellor at uni so you think they might be more capable to facilitate something no matter how small. I’d certainly be thinking how I could help If it was one of DS’s friends.

I know people are busy with own lives but just feel a bit sad. (

Doesn’t help one lives directly opposite so reminded about him being sociable all the time.

To all those who have mentioned vapes, that makes me annoyed too. Why on earth hasn’t the government done something to stop them being targeted at teens!!!!

im back. Anyone else’s child can’t tolerate any level of frustration.

we went to play tennis today at local club. He got soooo angry every time ball hit net. His or his dads. This ended up him ripping a page out of my reading book by side of court. Also lobbed balls outside of club so they were lost.

how can I support him with managing his emotions? I’m kind and try to talk about it when he’s calmed down. But things like this happen daily.

hope you lot all ok.