Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

My mental health is so bad im in tears all the time, having to take so much time off work as she wont go to school and i get "just make her" how? I cant physically drag her anywhere.

I don't know what to do anymore i just want to run away

Hugs @Muddlebubble - I swear, if one more person tells me to 'just be firm' I'll hit the bloody roof. I said in my team around the child meeting at the school the other week that if being firm with her worked, I wouldn't be here now - I have been banging my head against the wall with her for the last however many years - it's such an offensive, uniformed approach isn't it - 'just be firm, just make her etc' - 'oh, you're depressed? Just cheer up' 'you're anxious? just calm down' Grrrr, what a cop out. I know they have their jobs to do, and I really feel for teachers, I really like DD's HOY, he's supportive but professional and I respect that - but for how long.

I really feel for you taking time off work, that must be so stressful. I know what you mean when you say you just want to run away - it's how I feel often. I just want to be 'normal' with a 'normal' child, all getting on with building our lives, but we're not. DD is hell bent on making this as hard as humanly possible and it's only me here as the parent. Makes me feel really lonely and helpless

Hey sock yes - relentless shitshow that this is - tea helps, and numbing out with tv momentarily - til the next time, and there I was daring to hope we were turning a corner.

I feel for you all, stupid comments like that don't help at all. The one o got today was "just take everything out of her room apart from her bed" then what? When she is screaming bloody murder all night kicking things, how the hell is that gping to help anyone?

@SockGoddess @Shitsandwiches hugs too. It’s a monumental shit show and I worry that when she’s come through the other side, what sort of bloody state will I be in?

the advice from people who have no idea is just so frustrating. And then you have the smunts who just love to bang on about their perfect daughters and you know yours is falling apart.

these girls of ours are all so lucky to have mums who have their backs and fight their corners for them. 🙏 that the girl she once was is in there somewhere. She doesn’t even buy me a birthday / Xmas gift any more and that hurts. She used to buy me such thoughtful things, only poundland but so thoughtful.

What kind of shit advice is that? @Muddlebubble it’s so unhelpful isn’t it? Hugs to you too

I feel your pain. Mine hasn’t been at school for a couple of months and I hate having to send texts (every now and then) to other mums of their friends explaining the situation to them. I know I should’nt care what other people think, but I do.

it sometimes feels like your in an abusive relationship with your child doesn’t it.

@Hbradley 100% this. It is abuse. It’s so hard. Hugs for you too.

Yeah, I can't talk to anyone in RL about this. It does feel very much like an abusive situation in that there's an ugly secret at home that you can't really talk about to people outside because it feels shameful and you will be judged by others who have never experienced this and don't understand how things could have ever got to that stage, and why don't you just leave be firm with her! or strip her room bare? (seriously, WTF is wrong with some people?)

Agree I feel like a battered wife sometimes but I can't leave.

Exactly. You can’t really tell people the ‘whole’ story.

I’m lucky in the fact that my sister does not judge. My teen was the same as toddler in some ways and as young child e.g when they felt a strong emotion or hurt themselves rather than cry they would be physical.e.g kick or throw something. It’s the same now. They apologise after which I’m grateful for but can’t seem to help themselves.
they also won’t accept they have a problem. No one outside family would believe they are capable. And the fowl language. I know it’s not the real them.

Also my teen is a boy aged 12. Hope you don’t mind me joining in as this thread really resonates. I’ve been signed off work for a month with stress. On reflection, don’t know how I’ve managed to hold down a job with all this going on.

Hey HBradley - yes my DD was a highly strung reactive toddler too. Oh the language - yes she wouldn't dare speak like that in front of others, she saves that just for me and DD1 to enjoy at home!
I'm sure it's fine for you to join if you have a DS! - if you're signed off work and on the verge of a nervous breakdown then you're in the right place! :D Big hugs

Thanks for that!!! I didn’t want to be a fraud.

he is 13 in June, so year 8. He won’t go to school and also doesn’t want to feel different by being homeschooled. I really don’t want to homeschool him tbh but I think he might be better without it. We have a 14-16 provision at college near where we live so might be able to do GCSEs there.

when he was a school couldn’t get him to do any homework (even the very basics) and think at school he’s in fight or flight mode so doesn’t learn anything and got into trouble showing off.

it’s so sad. It’s such a big school ovwr 1000 pupils so it’s not great. He won’t change schools either!!! Despite even considering re mortgaging to send him to small nurturing independent school for last few years.

Total rock and a hard place - doesn't want help, doesn't want to be seen as a 'special' kid, doesn't want to move classes but hates the ones she's in, so won't go at all (has barely been in school this year), won't engage, blames the school for her not learning and then on the flip side - doesn't want to leave and go to a new school...I'd been looking at 14-16 provision thinking I'd found the solution but no! So i'm like, ok seriously running out of options here. She's following the school timetable online at the moment, but it's not homeschooling, it's not live lessons, it's just homework so I don't know what is sinking in if anything. I know what you mean about fight of flight - I think for them, trying to get through a school day, 'masking' and trying to cope with a constant inner fight & flight turmoil is exhausting :(

I work in a hospital and I know that some teens can be notoriously difficult patients - refusing to go in, refusing treatment, setting treatment schedules back, frustrating the medical team, telling their parents they just want to die etc - if I feel hopeless now, I can't imagine how those parents must feel - this came up in conversation at the end of the school meeting I had the other week and actually the HOY made me laugh saying he'd read apparently we're all headed for a measles outbreak soon because too many teens are refusing their vaccinations now. I had no idea how bad the teen years can get - I've heard all the anecdotes, I was a pretty rubbish one myself, but I had NO idea! Absolute Gremlins!

FFS. She was in to school on time yesterday as agreed to walk with a friend. She was knackered last night (the fight or flight analogy is spot on) and this morning she’s refusing to get out of bed.
I have a counselling session later. God knows I need it. My first one…not had it before but I think I am going to lose my sanity at this rate.

and I get the whole refusal to move schools thing. Why stay somewhere that makes you so obviously miserable when you could find somewhere that you actually enjoy? Own worst enemy at the moment, although she thinks that’s me.

courage people x

sorry you had a bad night last night.

I hate the violence and hate the fact that as I’m doing things at home I think ‘I better not leave that there’ in case it gets thrown ripped etc’

the only thing that helps if he starts going on and on about why things are so awful is staying calm and it’s easier said than done! My current phrase is ‘that’s understandable’ or ‘I see what you mean’. Even if I don’t agree. My husband struggles with that approach and will try and turn something into a positive for him but that makes things a 100 times worth. Luckily he’s a nice husband but it’s been awful for our relationship and it’s so tough.

you really have to take joy from the smallest of things. He said that was a nice lunch today and that made my day!

out of interest are any of your children very materialistic and literally can’t wait for any treats etc?

Christmas over the years has been a nightmare. Embarrassed to say have had to give presents early in past as the act of waiting is almost painful.

hope you all have ‘decent’ evenings. One day it will be easier I’m sure 👌

xxx

ps) I don’t know how to tag people etc so hope the posts are ok like this )

Interesting……

I think we are bringing children up in the worst possible age with YouTube / social media etc. My son thinks everyone buys trainers that are £200 plus etc. he will also look around the house and say things aren’t modern enough etc….

I envy people who have managed that traditional childhood without them getting sucked into the fake online world. I thought by giving him a few hobbies, tennis / football etc would be enough to keep him grounded but it appears not to have worked!

if I ever say that’s too expensive he gets obsessed that we are poor, when we are fortunate really, but not rich enough for him. He always listening in when we talk about our finances etc.

Me too. ‘Which drawer did I put that in again’! Lol

Hi everyone, gosh reading all this is like you are talking about my dd.

We so far far (touch wood) we have had a good day, up and out to school on time, no phone calls home from school, she asked if her friends can come back after i said yes as i would rather them at mine so i can keep an eye on them, although everytime i went up i had a feeling they were hiding something.. picking my battles there, and she actually ate dinner. I also managed a full day at work so all in all ill take it as we haven't had a day like this in forever

Mine's still not talking to me after yesterday. I had to take the day off today, though I did work from home. I just knew I didn't have the energy to face getting up and out, it's so draining. DD hasn't done any school work today, just spent the day in bed - I went in to talk to her and she told me she doesn't like me and to get out. Ho hum.

Same here with the entitled spoilt materialistic wants - she can really put the pressure on (pester power that she never grew out of) and then when she doesn't get it comparing us to others or calling us poor. I just call her out for acting spoilt when she does that. It's not a win though - she can then crank it up further. She also asks me a lot about our finances, what I earn etc - maybe it's a way of her wanting to feel safe and secure - or maybe she really is just a spoilt horrible brat!