Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Do you mind me asking how old your DD is and how you managed to get her on medication, please?

Treasure was supposed to go for a sleepover on Saturday then changed it to joining them for a bike ride for a couple of hours on Sunday and then didn't go at all. She went out for a short while yesterday with a different friend and seemed to have a nice time but it hasn't changed anything at any substantial level.

She takes fluoxetine but it doesn't really work. She doesn't do the school work she's supposed to do.

I just worry all the time that she's going to have nothing to propel her forward. To want to achieve.

She says she wants to be a boy (a whole other set of stuff to deal with) and then appears in a skintight mini-dress. She wants to feel pretty - and then complains about being 'misgendered'. It defeats me.

My husband and I talk in the car. That's our alone time. It's no life.

@IfOnlyItWasEasierThanThis

She is 17 We had to go a private psychiatrist as she also has adhd diagnosis. She dropped out of sixth form at feb half term. She wants to go back to school but can't manage to push through the worry.

Years of going to the GP achieved nothing and she has had therapy for over A year for a phobia. That helped considerably but it wasn't enough. Her self esteem and social anxiety were getting lower and lower. I'm hoping once stable on the sertraline she can then be in a place to retry adhd meds.

She is out with a friend today and has been spending more time with us. Is much less argumentative and less over reactive. We have a huge road left to travel but small steps for now.

So, the four day weekend resulted in massive pre-school meltdown and me bearing the brunt. Being called an idiot while you’re driving her to school and being screamed at for not saying anything becuase if I said anything back, I would say things I regret.
im not sure I’m cut out for all this.
at least the sun is shining.
hope everyone else is bearing up today x

@SockGoddess sorry to hear about DD not going to school. What sort of plan did the school offer? I am due my own emergency session with the school this week. I am not looking forward to it, because any meeting with them usually results in me sitting and crying, mostly out of frustration, impotence and the fear of what the actual f**k she is going to do with her life if she doesn't do anything herself to turn the ship around.
It's so frustrating. People want and are trying to help, but she's so caught up in her own 'everyone hates me' narrative that it's impossible for teachers/anyone in authority to reach her.
She has friends who are lovely and even they tell her to be nicer to me.
She did give me a cuddle on Saturday night and say thank you for looking out for one of her friends, but she was so vile by Sunday lunchtime that it's almost as if I imagined it.
The sun is shining and I am going to force myself out of the house for some headspace in the fresh air.
Thank you again to all on this post for the solidarity and hand holding. People who aren't going through this just don't understand why I am not 'stricter'. I have tried pretty much everything and I don't want to push her down the road of home avoidance as well as school refusal.

@SockGoddess @Wishiwasmycat sending hugs.

we’re on our 4th week of non attendance now. We had a meeting with the school last week and they don’t seem to have any sense of urgency! @Wishiwasmycat i totally get your worries about where her life is heading, I am in the same place. At this rate, she will end up with no qualifications and not even an idea of where to go next or what to do. She’s refusing all the help that’s being offered by school, CAMHS, GP, family. There doesn’t seem to be a way of getting through to her. She’s not angry or ranty, there’s just no emotion there at all which is really hard to deal with.
I’m getting better at ignoring all the “advice” that tells me to get stricter with her, it was really upsetting and making me question my own sanity. If it was as easy as that then we wouldn’t be where we are now. I’ve tried everything from calm reasoning to shouting, taking her phone away and grounding her. Nothing works.

My dd won't stop goading me tonight pinching, kicking, pulling my hair I'm so sick of it all.

@SockGoddess @MamaOdie @lollipoprainbow

Big hugs to all.

I spectacularly lost my shit tonight. I try not to because the Dr. told me to walk away, but we were in the car, so short of throwing myself out (tempting) I lost it with her blank face/it's all you/nothing I do is wrong/you don't understand/I don't care/fuck you narrative. I then cried my eyes out. She is always impassive when I cry, I wonder if she is dead inside - even the cat cares more. I adore my cat more with every passing day.

Anyway, after refusing to eat what I made for dinner, she did sit down and eat something with me briefly and we had an OK conversation. I wouldn't say chat, because I feel like a journalist while she mostly says 'no comment' or rather 'shut up'.

@lollipoprainbow can you get an early night? Do you have a TV in your room you can escape to? It's MAFS Australia reunion tonight. I am counting down the minutes. Please don't judge me on my TV choices.

@SockGoddess I totally get missing your own space. She eventually went in today and I really needed not to be around her. Having her in/out all the time is really messing with my work time.

@MamaOdie I thought of you tonight when she looked at me as I cried, as if I was chewing gum on the sole of her Nike trainer. Totally and utterly impassive.

What doesn't break us makes us stronger, folks. Huge virtual hugs to all.

@MamaOdie thinking about it. If she had chewing gum on her trainer, she would go nuts. She looked exactly like she does when she inspects her split ends.
I flattered myself there.

@Wishiwasmycat she just follows me and continues argh !!

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who loses it. I always feel so ashamed but there's only so much hitting and screaming I can take. My dd would test the patience of a saint.

Always a pothole in the road when it comes to DD.

I was helping her tidy her room and there was a little cosmetics type bag in wardrobe that I hadn’t seen before. I asked what it was and she said to leave it. She then went to shop so of course I went to snoop and the bag was empty so then I turned her room over. Found a box brimming with vapes under her bed.

FFS. I know she’s tried them, but so bloody many. I am too tired to lose my shit. I’m also realistic to know that most of her friends vape.

anyone got any advice? I will tell her what I’ve found but her friend is over at the moment and don’t want the drama.

@Wishiwasmycat I’m pretty sure my DD is vaping too.
About a year ago we found a few actual cigarettes stubs in her room, she said she had tried them to help with her anxiety. Don’t think she’s a regular smoker but she definitely does ask others for cigarettes when she’s around smokers (like my BIL who just handed them over!) Suspect she has moved on to vapes, they are much harder to spot because they smell just like the body sprays she uses!
we were told by our Early Help support yesterday that she saw some scratches/cuts on her arm when they were talking the other day, so that’s a new thing. Feel so shit that someone else has to point it out to me, it’s just another sign that’s she’s closing herself off to is.
she’s still not gone to school but promised she will try on Tuesday. Out with her friends at the minute, she seems happy when she’s with them and sometimes I feel like we’re being played. I know there is more under the surface and it’s not as easy as that but it does cross my mind occasionally.
Keeping everything crossed for an event-free weekend for you all.

Hi everyone,

I think i have finally found somewhere i can talk about my dd she is 12, and for the past year she has got worse and worse. I think it all stems from my mum passing away a year and a half ago.

It started with attitude, then her period arrived and its been vaping, self harming, lying, running away,steeling from home and last week drinking!
I dobt know what to do anymore she just laughs in my face, she isn't sorry and she dont care if i take her devices away, what more can i do?

She is u der chams now but thats not doing much, she has support at school and from the GP.

If i ground her she will not come out of her room all day refuses to eat and just sleeps all day then up all night, anytime i let her go out she is up to something she shouldn't be.

Please someone anyone help , ive just found aload of vapes in her room and can not bare another argument.

Thank you so much.

Yes definitely school, she keeps bad group of friends too another, and they are all the same but for some reasson im the only parent facing it as when i messaged about the drinking last week i was met with "oh no my dd doesn't drink" even tho she clearly was.
Anyway not my drama i have to try and manage my own daughter.

I have 2 older kids 17 and 20 and i never had anything like this with them, i got off very easy and then boom!

My mental health is so bad im in tears all the time, having to take so much time off work as she wont go to school and i get "just make her" how? I cant physically drag her anywhere.

I don't know what to do anymore i just want to run away

Hey @Muddlebubble welcome to the group. I’m new on here and people have been so friendly and kind. I’m sorry for the hard time that you’re going through and very sorry for the sad loss of your mum.

has your daughter had any grief counselling? It sounds like she is hurting inside and it’s all coming out as anger, directed at you.

there is a charity called Winston’s wish that specialises in child bereavement (I think parent and sibling, but their website is very good) and for you, Cruise bereavement.

is it just you and her at home or do you have some support? You must be shattered from all the stress and grieving is stressful and exhausting.

i wish I could offer some advice. Just tell her every day that you love her, even if in that moment you don’t. That’s what the dr told me for my DD, so I try to cling to straws.

Yes I definitely don't have all the answers I'm afraid! I'm not exactly nailing it round here. I haven't been on for a while. Been up and down as usual - home has been ok for a while because DD is getting everything her own way and not going to school but today we had an absolute belter of a row. She's been doing art therapy, has done 3- last week SW texted me at work to say she couldn't take DD to AT because she's off work ill and could DD get an uber? I was like, no chance, she would never do that - DD pleased not to have to go - so she was due today at 4pm, the AT scheduled her in on a different day for a catch up slot - I finished work early and dashed home to take her - she was ready, got in the car and then it started, she just got worse and worse - doesn't want to go, doesn't see the point etc. I got a tiny bit lost trying to find the place, DD stressing me out further and further - I turned into a road to turn around - we were shouting at each other and then she got out of the car having screamed at me that I was just like her dad (who was abusive and we are NC).

I rang the AT and explained we wouldn't be coming, we were literally round the corner - then went and found DD - screamed at her to get in the car because she was refusing - she stayed in the car for 2hrs when we got home, didn't want to come in - is in now but in her room and not talking to me.

I was just driving home with her all sullen in the back thinking I can't do this shitshow anymore, I just don't have the energy - this is all because she missed last week and the momentum was lost. It's a change, a different day, a different way of going, me taking her which gave her free reign to vent, she can't vent at the SW and all hell was unleashed.

Urgh anyway - hope everyone is bearing up. This is not forever (I keep telling myself) it's just a moment in all our lives and we will eventually turn the corner. They will grow up and they will forget these times - we may not though!