Page 13 | Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

SockGoddess · 2023-02-13T12:07:34+00:00

Following on from *MsAnnThropic*'s thread about struggling with a 13.5yo daughter, we found there were several of us in the same boat with unhappy, angry, difficult and/or themselves struggling teen DDs, and agreed to start a thread where we can discuss, vent and handhold. Mine is actually only just about to turn 13 but I feel like I'm on edge all the time because of the nastiness and explosive rages, my work is suffering as she often misses school too (i WFH thankfully), and she refuses to accept any counselling or other support even though we have worked so hard to have them available. I'm so worried about her as I think it arises out of her deep anxiety, hormone storms and all the stress of puberty, the usual young teen friendship issues and changing schools. Anyone would be in a state and I want to help. But at the same time I'm often reduced to a weepy wreck and sometimes it feels like it will never end - though intellectually I do have hope she'll find a way to come though it. Dear struggling mums of teen DDs one and all come for a chat, [brew], handholds and hugs. We would also love to hear reassurance from those whose DDs have been like this and come out the other side, and what if anything helped. I may not be able to post much for a bit as having a relative to stay soon, but will check back in asap.

MamaOdie · 27/04/2023 08:58

Morning! Found this thread last night and read it all in one go.
I can totally relate, have a 15 yo DD who has been refusing school, started just before Easter when a huge fallout with her friendship group made her feel unsafe at school. Also suspected ASD, waiting for the assessment.
She’s refusing school, not engaging with the CAMHS practitioner and turns down every offer of therapy/counselling etc. We now have an Early Help worker assigned to us, she’s been great so far in getting the school to acknowledge that there is an underlying issue which tbh they’ve been rubbish at.
Just wanted to join you as it’s so so hard and hearing stories from people who are going through the same thing feels like such a relief.

Wishiwasmycat · 27/04/2023 09:35

MamaOdie · 27/04/2023 08:58

Morning! Found this thread last night and read it all in one go.
I can totally relate, have a 15 yo DD who has been refusing school, started just before Easter when a huge fallout with her friendship group made her feel unsafe at school. Also suspected ASD, waiting for the assessment.
She’s refusing school, not engaging with the CAMHS practitioner and turns down every offer of therapy/counselling etc. We now have an Early Help worker assigned to us, she’s been great so far in getting the school to acknowledge that there is an underlying issue which tbh they’ve been rubbish at.
Just wanted to join you as it’s so so hard and hearing stories from people who are going through the same thing feels like such a relief.

@MamaOdie, sorry to hear about your DD.

Thanks other posters for the hand hold. It's good to know that others are in a similar situation.

The school refusal is so difficult. My mum and DH are like "Just make her go"...like how? Put her in a fireman's lift and drag her to the car?
She's my size, swears like a navvy and gets so stressed and upset that I can't win. So I then negotiate and if she ends up in by 11 am, I consider that a win.
I had her parent teacher meetings and she wouldn't engage and hid away. I ended up in floods of tears by the end, because there are clearly some good people out there who can see past the angry rebelliousness and recognise her potential. Unfortunately, she's got it into her head that she'll never do well that it's all just noise to her. The amount of detentions they put her in doesn't help either.
Why give a school refusing child up to 3 detentions a week? It doesn't encourage her to go to school.
Sorry, to vent. I just feel so worried for her future self because she used to be such a force of nature, extremely funny, bubbly and now she's like a cornered animal. Very snarly and often just horrible. Oh, and always directed at me.

Wishiwasmycat · 27/04/2023 09:37

@SockGoddess what is your sock secret? I buy a 7 pack in Primark every time I go and I can never find any bloody socks.

Original poster

SockGoddess · 27/04/2023 09:37

Wishiwasmycat that is such a good description, Stockholm syndrome! Loving and trying to be kind to someone who is being vile to you and you can't escape. Sometimes I just sit and dream about escaping - I don't wan't to abandon her, but if I was free to be on my own, for example if/when she's independent, I think about the home I would have and dream about going about my day in peace and having time to work and do my hobbies and read. Just to save my sanity.

We're continuing to have the week from hell after school tried to intervene and make a plan. It was one big step forward followed by an even bigger massive crash down. I've already cried a lot today but it's better than getting angry and lets the stress out.

I also wish I was my cat... but I have to say my cat has been an absolute lifesaver in all this. She comes and looks after whoever is upset. She's a hardworking cat!

Love and solidarity to all and welcome to new posters, you are not alone.

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Original poster

SockGoddess · 27/04/2023 09:43

what is your sock secret?

Ha ha I just love socks. LOVE THEM 🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦

I buy so many I don't run out, but multipacks are the worst for disappearing when I get them for the kids. No idea why.

It sounds daft but small things that make me happy are so important at the moment, and that includes nice socks.

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Wishiwasmycat · 27/04/2023 09:46

@SockGoddess we have two cats who do shift work. One just couldn't cut it!

Sorry you're having the week from hell. It is extremely frustrating when a plan gets put together and then nothing gets any better. My DD needs to engage, but she's lost all trust in the school so is very reluctant to accept any help at all and we go round in circles.

She is having particular issues with one teacher and 9/10 times the school refusal is down to not wanting to be in his lessons.

I hope the rest of the week gets better for you. Strike day today, so she's living her best life, holed up in her room, in the dark, scrolling through TikTok.

Wishiwasmycat · 27/04/2023 09:47

SockGoddess · 27/04/2023 09:43

what is your sock secret?

Ha ha I just love socks. LOVE THEM 🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦🧦

I buy so many I don't run out, but multipacks are the worst for disappearing when I get them for the kids. No idea why.

It sounds daft but small things that make me happy are so important at the moment, and that includes nice socks.

I have Nordic Socks. Sock game changers.

Original poster

SockGoddess · 27/04/2023 09:49

WishIwasmycat we actually also have two but the other one just knocks things off shelves and sits on my head in the night so counteracts the other one's good work

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MamaOdie · 27/04/2023 10:09

I also have a cat. And Nordic socks! I have found my people 😊
and yes @Wishiwasmycat, the “helpful” comments about being more forceful in making her go in and how all this will blow over are driving me insane too.

Shitsandwiches · 27/04/2023 21:35

MamaOdie · 27/04/2023 08:58

Morning! Found this thread last night and read it all in one go.
I can totally relate, have a 15 yo DD who has been refusing school, started just before Easter when a huge fallout with her friendship group made her feel unsafe at school. Also suspected ASD, waiting for the assessment.
She’s refusing school, not engaging with the CAMHS practitioner and turns down every offer of therapy/counselling etc. We now have an Early Help worker assigned to us, she’s been great so far in getting the school to acknowledge that there is an underlying issue which tbh they’ve been rubbish at.
Just wanted to join you as it’s so so hard and hearing stories from people who are going through the same thing feels like such a relief.

hey @MamaOdie welcome to our club that none us want to be in
urgh the struggle is so real. That's really good the EH worker is proactive with the school. That's what I've found with mine - she's proactive with everything and is playing 'bad cop' with DD also. I'm placating and as encouraging as possible at home, in the face of all sorts of responses, and EH SW is blunt and straight - not emotionally involved at all.

I love that @Wishiwasmycat 'just make her go...!' hahaha - I said at my team around the child meeting yesterday that if being firm with her worked, I wouldn't be sitting in there with them now. I've literally been banging my head against the wall for the last 4 years - she's never achieved 100% - I think her best was 70% in year 7....oh the glory days of that golden period!

I'm sorry you've been so upset @SockGoddess we have a good day now and again where we start to feel hope only to be followed by 20 shitty ones and sheer desperation. Just keep remembering this is just a blip, it will turn out ok in the end no matter how desperate it seems - and thank goodness for pets! We've got a little dog and he is like a working therapy dog poor thing.

DD has hit me with anxiety tonight - after her initial positivity last night, she's back to being suspicious and thinks I'm in cahoots with the school in planning to get her back in at least part time (I am!). I'm working with the fact that she has said she wants GCSEs - I know she does. I've said there's absolutely no pressure, lets just try and get english maths and science - and anything else would be a bonus. She'll be seemingly agreeable and then dissolve into panic. I'm supposed to take her to school tomorrow at 8am to pick up some test papers from HOY in the school car park. I've got to email him and let him know we're coming. I think it's just going to me.

Original poster

SockGoddess · 27/04/2023 23:02

Thanks Shitsandwiches. After flying off the handle and swearing at me/kicking off 20+ times today, she had a rational and calm few minutes once in bed and we had a nice chat, so I'm hoping she'll be a bit better tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a peaceful relaxing night x

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Wishiwasmycat · 28/04/2023 17:23

Can I ask what y’all do to look after yourselves? In midst of the ongoing shit show that is life with my DD (who has been utterly vile today) I am drinking far too much wine of an evening to decompress. I used to be so fit and active and now I’m just so fucking miserable.

Teatime55 · 28/04/2023 18:40

Well I try to walk whilst DD is in school, however she refused to go In Wednesday and today there were staff absent so she didn’t go in. So I’ll drink instead tonight.
DD is also hormonal today (PMT) and is hellish to deal with. She has moaned and cried all day. She doesn’t want to be at home and she doesn’t want to be in school, and she won’t go anywhere or do anything. I understand she is bored but I’m at a loss to help.

Original poster

SockGoddess · 28/04/2023 20:32

Wishiwasmycat I can’t drink much as i have low tolerance and hate hangovers, but I do hit the chocolate. For me little things like a coffee out if I get a chance, a bath, nice socks of course! - and treating myself to a magazine help to keep me going. It’s hard to get time to see friends but I have managed to go for a few walks and coffees with nice supportive friends. I love sewing and creative hobbies but don’t have the mental energy for them at the moment, and I have to spend as much time as I can trying to work as I’m self-employed, but I am keeping up one hobby, learning a new instrument, as much as I can.

It sounds very cheesy and I’m really not into positive thinking type stuff normally, but another thing I do is try to be grateful that it’s not worse. At least she’s not pregnant, or running away, or violent at school - or whatever. At least we have a home, i’m earning and we can afford to live, it could be worse. At least my other DC is almost an adult and self-reliant and sensible, and I don’t have a toddler to manage, or 2 kids like this. At least my ex helps. I realise anything could happen so I’m not smug about those things, but it can help.

And as I think I posted much earlier on the thread somewhere, I have an NHS mindfulness app I really like, called Feeling Good. You can get a free limited version or a GP can refer you for the full version. It really helps and I feel like the nice woman who tells you how to relax and envisage nice things is like a lovely caring mum or auntie. I relax, and that makes me have a cry and I feel better afterwards.

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lollipoprainbow · 28/04/2023 20:50

Wishiwasmycat · 28/04/2023 17:23

Can I ask what y’all do to look after yourselves? In midst of the ongoing shit show that is life with my DD (who has been utterly vile today) I am drinking far too much wine of an evening to decompress. I used to be so fit and active and now I’m just so fucking miserable.

Red wine 🍷pringles or a pot of tea and an apple turnover .
Whatever gets you through. It's been a hellish week.

Wishiwasmycat · 28/04/2023 21:01

@SockGoddess @Teatime55 @lollipoprainbow
thank you

@Teatime55 i have some beautiful walks on my doorstep, so I need to get my ass out the house. But more often I am trying to get her out to school, which has been a sodding nightmare this week. I have to take DS to school and she knows this, so knows eventually I have to back off and take him as he gets upset about being late (he’s only little). I hope you’re having a nice evening and that your DD has come out of her room. The PMT really doesn’t help does it?

@SockGoddess you are so right about gratitude. It does help. Like the idea of the meditation, I will give it a try. I started yoga and Pilates but am shit at both, so gave them up! I went out out last night and it was so good to get out the house, been thinking about new hobbies to take up.

@lollipoprainbow sorry you’ve had a bad week. At least it’s Friday and a long weekend.

lollipoprainbow · 28/04/2023 21:23

@Wishiwasmycat just knowing I'm not alone helps so much x

Original poster

SockGoddess · 28/04/2023 21:52

Wishiwasmycat I hated both Yoga and Pilates, I just can't do them, I have a weird back that won't curve properly and I could never relax or feel any benefit. It was just pain, discomfort and feeling crap because I couldn't do it anyway.

Mindfulness is a lot better because you mostly lie down and it isn't about trying to "empty your mind" which I can never do, it's more about accepting your thoughts - and it is very good for learning to relax.

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StopfordWife · 28/04/2023 22:06

I'm very lucky to have an extremely supportive husband who enables me to do things for me.

I've just joined a choir - singing is my thing. I read. Or craft.

But mostly I worry. She isn't done a week of school since lockdown, she's been in for an hour on two occasions this year. That's the only school in 18 months. Fuck knows how GCSEs are even going to happen.

MamaOdie · 29/04/2023 16:41

I am rubbish at self care at the minute, after a day of work end dealing with school refusal etc I am too tired to do anything other than sit! Maybe I need to try mindfulness @SockGoddess
It’s up and down here - she agreed to access the maths work in the school website so happily did that. Last weekend she started a weekend job in a local cafe, when she finished her first shift she was buzzing and chatting away about it (in a way that we rarely see these days)- but she was due in today and just refused to get up. Said she had a headache but tbh I’m not convinced. So she’s probably not going to last long in the job, even though it made her so happy last week.
Just feel frustrated and sad that she’s going to end up with nothing. Not at the same point as you yet @StopfordWife but have a feeling we’ll be there v soon.

Hbradley · 29/04/2023 16:46

This is exactly the same with my 12 year old. Doesn’t want to be different so doesn’t want help. No idea what I can do. I hate the rage it makes me very anxious.

Original poster

SockGoddess · 30/04/2023 15:00

Welcome HBradley

Yes the anxiety is awful. It's so stressful and the fact that you can't walk away from it and you don't have any idea when things will be better, is so miserable and stressful.

Mine had a good day yesterday, followed by another massive meltdown and aggressive strop today <sigh>

I am grateful for the good days - but I find it so hard when she then loses it and blames it all on me. I was really nice to her yesterday and we were doing well and she talked to me. Now i'm the shittest mum ever again.

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HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 30/04/2023 15:46

Dd has been on sertraline now at 50mgs for about 5 days. I dont want to speak to soon but she seems happier
We started on 12.5mgs and worked up.

Still a huge road ahead but a teeny tiny chink of light may be there.

Hbradley · 30/04/2023 16:09

I find that the only thing that work during a meltdown is empathy….it goes against grain of telling them off for bad behaviour but it really doesn’t help.

I notice when I’m in a better mood, they are also. But it’s hard to be cheerful all time when they treat you awfully a lot of time.

also very hard on relationship with my husband as we have no time / space to talk. My child also hates that we might be talking about them so have to sneak off in another room to talk tactics. Wish life wasn’t like this!

Teatime55 · 01/05/2023 11:31

We had a crap day on Saturday. DH sees a small improvement and thinks you can then push her to be completely normal all of a sudden. Had a massive rant about not going out and the clothes she chooses to wear.
so she was upset all day and through the night as well.
however she has shown some interest in a new hobby and my friend helped her set it up yesterday and she’s like a different child again, wants to go out today to get some more things.