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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

563 replies

SockGoddess · 13/02/2023 12:07

Following on from MsAnnThropic's thread about struggling with a 13.5yo daughter, we found there were several of us in the same boat with unhappy, angry, difficult and/or themselves struggling teen DDs, and agreed to start a thread where we can discuss, vent and handhold.

Mine is actually only just about to turn 13 but I feel like I'm on edge all the time because of the nastiness and explosive rages, my work is suffering as she often misses school too (i WFH thankfully), and she refuses to accept any counselling or other support even though we have worked so hard to have them available. I'm so worried about her as I think it arises out of her deep anxiety, hormone storms and all the stress of puberty, the usual young teen friendship issues and changing schools. Anyone would be in a state and I want to help. But at the same time I'm often reduced to a weepy wreck and sometimes it feels like it will never end - though intellectually I do have hope she'll find a way to come though it.

Dear struggling mums of teen DDs one and all come for a chat, Brew, handholds and hugs.

We would also love to hear reassurance from those whose DDs have been like this and come out the other side, and what if anything helped.

I may not be able to post much for a bit as having a relative to stay soon, but will check back in asap.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 18/04/2023 13:36

A half day yesterday (she's on a reduced timetable) but not in today.

Apparently she wanted to do a full day today but I didn't wake her in time - her reduced timetable is to go in at morning breaktime because she often doesn't sleep well. She didn't tell me she was planning to go in this morning and as she hasn't done a full day for months but apparently it's all my fault and not worth her going in at all now. The blame and manipulation to make me feel crap has no limits.

I'm exhausted, I've cried and it's only day 2 of this term.

It makes me so upset and I so miss the fun loving, energetic child she used to be.

Lindy2 · 18/04/2023 15:01

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 17/04/2023 20:53

No luck today. I knew it wouldn't happen. What was hard was how sad and ashamed dd looked. I wish she would just give up. It's sixth form there are other ways now that would be better for her Sad

Would she go to any vocational college open days where the courses are a bit less full on? If she found something she thought she would enjoy that might help.

It seems such a shame to be that stressed when she doesn't need to be doing A levels.

Unfortunately my daughter is year 10 so GCSEs area really optional even though she's now unlikely to pass anytime. I'm really hoping college or an apprenticeship might motivate her but we're over a year away from that option sadly.

StopfordWife · 18/04/2023 17:37

I totally hear you @Lindy2

I miss my child so much. I miss spending time with her, finding out what she's into, sharing things, enjoying her exploration of the world...

I hate that her world has shrunk to the bedroom and not much else beyond.

I want her to have a fulfilled and enjoyable life and she just...doesn't.

She has rallied slightly after the weekend. But still. Poised for the next down.

Lindy2 · 18/04/2023 17:50

StopfordWife It's like a type of grief isn't it. I just hope I get some of her old self back one day when she is older. Sadly though I feel there's an equal chance she'll just go non contact when she's old enough to leave. 😥

lollipoprainbow · 18/04/2023 18:03

I look at adorable photos and videos of my dd when she was a baby and little girl and think how did we get to this. It's heartbreaking.

Teatime55 · 18/04/2023 20:07

DD was such a happy sociable little thing. It’s so hard to see such a change in them.

I was talking to one of her friends mums today and she says her friend misses her desperately, but I cannot get DD to do anything with her. She’s more than happy just being in her room
occupying herself. I just want her to have friends and have conversations with other people than me! She only interacts with adults when she does go to school, it’s not normal.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 18/04/2023 20:34

Heartbreaking for all of us on here. Let's all hope we get through the other side ❤️

Teatime55 · 20/04/2023 20:25

So I thought we had turned a corner. DD has been going into school for a few hours. But more than that she has seemed happy and settled.
Today though she had a massive meltdown about how much she hates going in, she never wants to go back etc. she also doesn’t want to be at home. She’s calmed down but I have no idea where to go.
I was hoping we could stretch the school time out a bit and I might get some free time, I think we might be back to battling to in each day again.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 24/04/2023 16:29

The rollercoaster continues! I've been about to post a few times when I was feeling really hopeless over the last few days, but today has been better (so far). School have been trying to help DD and make it easier for her to come in, which she hates the thought of because she doesn't want special treatment and to get bullied for being weird, and she was really angry. Yet she has started co-operating and agreed to go in and discuss it.

It makes me feel like she might be finally coming round to accepting help - but I know from experience it can all come crashing down. The constantly trying not to get your hopes up too much is exhausting.

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 24/04/2023 22:35

Definitely @SockGoddess

Dd had a fab Easter hols. Was talking really positively but still not gone back. I've refined myself that it's over with ALevels. Recovery time and then we will see

Shitsandwiches · 24/04/2023 22:45

@SockGoddess that's huge! really great news. I hope she turns a massive corner. Mine's the absolute same in that she doesn't want to be the weird kid so doesn't want any support offered. When the SW was talking about mentoring schemes I almost spat my tea out - there is no way in hell if I could even get DD over the school's threshold would she be pairing up with a mentor in there. I bet it's really useful for some kids but not my difficult belligerent little weirdo.

She's happily at home being left alone doing online school work. I've got a team around the child meeting on Wednesday AM in school. Not looking forward to it. They're going to put pressure on me to get her back in. Had our telephone appt with camhs last week - the woman I spoke too sounded half asleep and and not very switched on at all - then she had a conversation with DD who told me afterwards she said she can help her make up a story of why she's been off so long to her friends if that would help, something like she's been in hospital! I'm not sure that's all that great advice really, but then what do I know, I'm not a MHP.

Hope everyone doing ok Flowers

Original poster
SockGoddess · 25/04/2023 07:43

shitsandwiches mine won’t do the work at home - she’s got zero motivation and finds academic work hard and thinks she’s bad at everything, though she’s very clever in lots of ways (including arguing every tiny point with me like a top lawyer) - there may be undiagnosed adhd making it hard to focus too. So she’s now very behind and that makes her feel even more hopeless. it then takes extra courage and strength just to get back on an even keel.

At least she has world-class stubbornness going for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SockGoddess · 25/04/2023 11:08

Argh it's all gone wrong again with massive meltdown and refusal :(

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 25/04/2023 11:18

My dd is currently munching toast in bed she didn't go in yesterday either 😩

Teatime55 · 25/04/2023 14:52

DD had a nighttime anxiety attack (not had one in months) but she has still gone in for her 3 hours.
Im sat outside in my car though as I dread how she is going to be if it hasn’t gone well.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 25/04/2023 15:40

Feeling for you all.
Dd good day today still no school but she got up and went out with make up on and nice clothes so that's positive after a week of pjs and greasy hair

Teatime55 · 26/04/2023 14:04

So picked DD up and she’d had a great day and seen her friends, had stories to tell. By the evening she was sobbing about not enjoying it and what was wrong with it.
Today she has refused to go in, full of tears. Complains it’s all too the same (she only works with people 1:1 generally) and she hates going and never wants to go back.
I think she is frustrated and needs to be in lessons but doesn’t cope with them. Not a clue what to do next.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 26/04/2023 15:13

Totally relate Teatime. Mine really tries, there are things she enjoys, she wants to see friends, and she wants to be "normal" and go in every day. But if she manages a few days (or sometimes even just one day) she burns out with stress, gets exhausted or aggressive or tearful, and just can't face it.

She's been doing better and had been managing her anger better but the last couple of days have been a return to the most extreme aggressive behaviour and it's so stressful. Just really hoping that's a blip.

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 26/04/2023 17:19

Hi all
Been quiet for a while as I've been busy, and worrying about E starting her exams this week. Had a meeting with school who agree that the best option for her would be to put in an exceptional circumstances case, and focus more on a phased return to school (E really wants to return but doesn't know how to). However, I know E is not going to like that idea as she wants to be 'normal' and sit her exams - she's done no revision though so it's just not possible. Bracing myself for having that conversation with her when DH gets home

@Teatime55 E has seen a friend twice in the last two months, and enjoyed it - but then was exhausted afterwards. It's so hard to know what to do - our daughters may want to be in school, and see friends, but it is so hard for them that at some point it all seems hopeless.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver hope that your daughter is doing ok, it's great that she went out

@SockGoddess I feel your stress, today after seeing the school I came home and just sat on the sofa and watched rubbish tv for two hours. I just couldn't make myself do any work

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 26/04/2023 17:33

Thank you @Chrysanthemum5

Today not so good but it's one step forward and hopefully half a step back.

Chrysanthemum5 · 26/04/2023 17:46

Exactly @HeBeaverandSheBeaver any progress is great. Sending all of us a big hug

Wishiwasmycat · 26/04/2023 18:54

Just found your thread today. Living with my DD feels like I have some sort of Stockholm syndrome. She treats me like shit, talks to me like dirt, yet I can see inside she is hurting and struggling with ND that's making school almost unbearable....a massive school refuser.
It helps to know that it's not just me going through this. I spend most days in tears at some point.
I hope things get easier with your DD soon. We ended up having to go for a private assessment, as the CAHMS wait list was so long x

Teatime55 · 26/04/2023 20:07

@Chrysanthemum5 i just don’t want me to be the only person she sees. I want her to have friends and have stupid conversations with them. I find having to have things to talk to her a bit exhausting, especially as I have zero life now. When I was working there was lots to talk about. It’s more frustrating as she is a lovely and funny girl, her friends like her.

lollipoprainbow · 26/04/2023 20:24

Wishiwasmycat · 26/04/2023 18:54

Just found your thread today. Living with my DD feels like I have some sort of Stockholm syndrome. She treats me like shit, talks to me like dirt, yet I can see inside she is hurting and struggling with ND that's making school almost unbearable....a massive school refuser.
It helps to know that it's not just me going through this. I spend most days in tears at some point.
I hope things get easier with your DD soon. We ended up having to go for a private assessment, as the CAHMS wait list was so long x

Same as my dd you aren't alone Flowers

Shitsandwiches · 26/04/2023 20:36

I had my team around the child meeting at school this morning and I have to say - it was really positive. I really like DD's HOY and the inclusion lady. The SW joined online and I thought she led the meeting really well.

Upshot is - we're not in 'trouble', they are supportive and we all want DD to get some GCSEs. It's in-year exams at the moment, so they suggested I take some exam papers home for DD to do and also did I want to bring her with me to collect the papers from her HOY in the school carpark at 8am. Also would she consider doing one of the exams in school with the inclusion lady - just for an hour - I would drive her, take her in and then wait for her outside. I was thinking there's absolutely no chance...BUT although I'm not saying she's fully agreed to both these suggestions and won't change her mind at the last minute - when I relayed this to DD tonight she seemed positive and agreeable. So I haven't said anymore on it - I've got both DD's a takeaway tonight as a treat and will revisit this idea with her tomorrow. Can't believe she responded fairly positively....though I know not to trust that this is a given. She's also got her second art therapy tomorrow.

oh gosh @Teatime55 she is doing amazingly, well done her! Don't lose faith, keep positive - she's fully letting off steam and all her feelings & fears out where it's safe but the fact she's been in is so brilliant. I'm sure it's a good sign.

@SockGoddess yeah look at it like a blip, recovery isn't linear as they say - it's up and down, 1 step forward 3 back. She's in there somewhere - that's what I keep telling myself anyway!

Hey @Wishiwasmycat I totally relate to the stockholm syndrome - we are their captors almost, feeling like enablers and supporting horrible awful behaviour. How did the private assessment go?

Warm hugs to everyone Flowers

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