Teen sex. Are you good cop or bad cop? Come share.....

[TiggyR]

Following much discussion in an AIBU thread about this subject:

31/5 I know I am NBU, please confirm, DSS and girlfriend!!!! (sorry can't do a proper link

We hijacked mercilessly, I'm afraid and as a result it has been bestowed upon me the job of creating a dedicated thread for in-depth discussion.

If you know you teen is having a sexual relationship what is your stance about it happening under your roof' as it were?

Sorry, can't be bothered to retype all my thoughts/experiences on this right now, but they can be found on the other thread!

Roll up, roll up, be brave....

I found that I was quite liberal in my approach when my DD1 (17)asked if her serious b/f of 6 mnths could stay over for the week-end as my DH,myself and youngest DD where going away.She is a very mature 17 and her b/f was a very nice,kind boy so after discussing with DH we said yes providing thay took precautions and not risks.I think teenagers these days discuss sex with friends/peers so much more than we did back in the 70's (God.......so old!)and I was bought up by very strict parents who completely forbade any b/f to stay over even when I had serious relationship.Didn't stop us having sex tho..just not in the house..and scares...and I married him after 4 years together and we're still together now.So my view is that if you're open and honest with them they will be the same with you,I'd rather that than have them sneaking around, taking risks and feeling unable to talk to us about their relationship.

Thank you. Another one to swell our ranks!

What sweetprince said ... too lazy to type

But you put your two penneth in on the other one so that's ok!

I generally agree with MySweetPrince, but I am not in favour of providing a venue for under-age kids- I would prefer to think that I was raising my teenage daughter to have respect for her boundaries and appreciate that the risks and responsibilities of sex are best left until she is at least 16. I really don't feel that younger teenagers benefit from the shrug-of-the-shoulders approach that some people have which assumes they'll do it anyway.

I hope that she will find the incentives of independence encourage her to move out when she is eighteen, because I don't intend to be providing a laundry, meals and luxury double bed hotel experience for her as an adult. I can see why some young adults never want to move out if they basically get all the advantages of adulthood yet keep their wallet in their pocket. So on that basis, while I wouldn't go barging into her bedroom if she had a boyfriend over, I wouldn't be letting any of them get their feet too far under the table, IYSWIM.

I think there is a balance to be struck between respecting their privacy and having to listen to my own kids shagging without a care in the world in the next bedroom.

Under age is one thing ? can?t condone it ? legal responsibilities as parent by proxy etc to hideous to imagine. But overage ? they are going to do it anyway. Whilst not wanting to turn my house into a knocking shop (so no big gropy parties) No. 1 daughter does get to have Boyf over to stay at weekends and its cool.
Although ? cringe ? I said, jokingly, said I was glad they kept the noise down ? and she drily returned ?Be nice if you returned the favour.....?

Agree with all of that. Though I did get bored of endless corridor creeping and loud coughing outside my DS's room at 1.30am, and was willing them both to turn 16 asap, so I could go to bed with a clear conscience!

His GF lives a fair distance from us and they have always tended stay over at one another's homes at weekends because it isn't always practical for either parent to collect/deliver them home, only to have to bring them back again the next day. (rubbish countryside buses )

Bu the deal was that when it was bedtime he would go to the guest room. The trouble is, they'd be all cuddled up under the covers, snogging, and talking into the wee hours, and I'd be desperate to go to sleep, whereas they were practically nocturnal! Then he'd get up early next morning and go and climb in with her, which was 'above board' because they weren't actually 'sleeping together'!

It was a big relief when they both turned 16 and I could just leave them to it and not fret!

To give them their due, I have never heard them shagging, or felt uncomfortable in my own home because of their behaviour. His room is over our sitting room, and no thumping ceilings or banging headboards whatsoever.

Perhaps I should have a quiet word - he's obviously doing it wrong!

Ah, see, there is NO WAY I would have a couple of young teenagers snogging in bed until the wee small hours. Sofa, dvd, and somebody popping in to offer cups of tea periodically, I'm afraid. And no sleepovers.

I thought I'd be more liberal but when it came down to it, I'm with Portia.
DD's bf stayed for a week while we were on honeymoon, but there's no way if we were home. She was 17 and had been dating him (no sex) for a year by then.
She's 23 now, still living at home as is current bf. If they want sex privacy they check into a hotel for the weekend.

DSS (13) had gf (14) round and we were checking on him constantly, doors open, the lot. She's since had a pg scare so we were right to be worried...

Portia - Well, they were always fully clothed! But it's always been a question of allowing things in gradual increments for me. I didn't think it was fair or practical for them to always be downstairs with us, or keep the door open in his room. But up until they were both legal I did make a point of popping in regularly, which involved a fairly pointless knocking, followed by barging in really quickly, to make the point that they should'nt be taking anything for granted! Never saw any naked chandelier swinging though, just soppy love gazing and fully clothed limb entwining!

Gotta keep 'em on their toes, Tiggy

TBH, I don't think it makes that much difference. If they are going to have sex, they'll do it anyway (and not necessarily in a car or in a dodgy place like an alleyway - I know I never did this, we just did it when our parents were out). And whether or not they are careless with contraception is nothing to do with whether or not they are allowed to have sex in your house or not.

What, she's had a pregnancy scare with your 13 year old?

Or a subsequent BF?

we're just approaching the teenage years and its a tricky subject as you want to be liberal with them and feel that thye can talk to youo about anything but at the sae time you don;t want to be condoning sexual realtionships at too early a stage.
i think if they have been together for a lengthy preiod of time then i would be inclined to let them have g/f b/f over to stay as long as they were over 16, but a definate no for new relationships/casual affairs.
mnd- i bet that was a shock and really doesn;t bare thinking about at those ages, i do hope they have been very responsible since.

Bertie, by BF and I both bunked off school so that I could lose my virginity whilst my mum was at work!

MaineGirl - you summed it up there. Once it was clear that my son had a 'proper' girlfriend who was going to be around for a while, I agonised for ages over whether I should have 'the big talk' about safe sex, mutual respect, all that stuff, as soon as possible, or whether I should wiat a while as he might take it as a signal that it was ok to proceed so long as he knew the ground rules. In the end I opted to do it early, as I thought it would be naive to just assume he wasn't at that stage yet.

I held him hostage on the sofa, and lectured counselled and advised him for about an hour and a half, whilst he sat with his face buried in a cushion, wanting to die with embarrassment. It was a very one-sided conversation.

At the end of it, he got up and said 'For God's sake Mum, I'm ^only fourteen!' And stalked out.

I thought 'Oh no! Of course he is! My baby, and I'm trying to corrupt him!'

And then I thought, is he taking me for a mug?

Anyway, three years and they are still going strong.

Tiggy, yes
There's more but it's too awful to share here tbh.

Oh, that's true Tiggy. I might have done that once or twice But it would definitely have been college rather than school, and when I was going out with that one we were allowed to have sex at his parents' house anyway And in fact I was probably more likely bunking off because of my hangover

We let DD2 16 stay over at her BF nearly 18 and he stays here, I remember what we were like at 15 and DH18, still together 27 years later!! Would rather they were doing it safely under my roof then some where else,Had a discussion with her( very one sided!) booked an appt with practise nurse but wasnt allowed to go with her-her decission. Also bought some condoms for about the first time in 16 years

Gee whizz, if they old enough to be having sex they are old enough to buy their own johnnies

Reminds me of that dad in American Pie getting pornos for his son...

marriednotdead Poor you. What a pickle.

I mean what a horrible pickle to be in, not isn't he a naughty pickle - like some three year old!

He moved back to his mums a few weeks ago after 18 months with us. His future looks bleak but he has had too much freedom to want to live a life that's age appropriate
All I can say is, don't ever think you are being too firm with your kids. I've lived with the consequences of lazy parenting leniency.

Despite what I've said on this thread about the sex thing I'm quite strict with mine in other respects (apparently) and they are always moaning, but I've told them they'll thank me one day, and my job is not to be their friend but their mother!

Poor you, and poor DSS.