Teen sex. Are you good cop or bad cop? Come share.....

[TiggyR]

Following much discussion in an AIBU thread about this subject:

31/5 I know I am NBU, please confirm, DSS and girlfriend!!!! (sorry can't do a proper link

We hijacked mercilessly, I'm afraid and as a result it has been bestowed upon me the job of creating a dedicated thread for in-depth discussion.

If you know you teen is having a sexual relationship what is your stance about it happening under your roof' as it were?

Sorry, can't be bothered to retype all my thoughts/experiences on this right now, but they can be found on the other thread!

Roll up, roll up, be brave....

[TiggyR]

Didn't think of it like that! I was too busy thinking about how I would feel in her shoes, never mind how he would feel, poor kid!

[TheFutureMrsClooney]

LOL Tiggy, can you imagine what a passion killer that must be - everytime picturing his mum and her courgette

[TiggyR]

I heard on the radio that any teenager can walk into Boots (amongst other places) and get for them for free, no questions asked. I occasionally buy some and just leave them in DS1's drawer (paranoid about him running out) and don't really want him to have to spend his own money on them, as they are expensive. Or worse still, NOT spend his money on them!

I told both my DS's about the Boots thing, and the drop-in centre in our town, and they just rolled their eyes and said 'Yeah Mum, everyone has known that like forever. Duh!'

A friend of mine who is a real no-nonsense type actually gave her son a girlie magazine, some condoms, and did a roll-on roll-off demonstration on a courgette, before packing him off to his room (alone) to practice.

Beyond the call of duty for me, that one!

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I think that I would probably prefer DD to have sex in the comfort of her own home rather than have to find somewhere else to do it.

She is 14, and has had a close relationship with a boyfriend for about 8 months now. They don't see each other very much - they go to different schools, and see each other twice in the week (at air cadets) and may see each other at the weekend, however they are both busy with other things. When he comes over for dinner they go into her bedroom and shut the door. I am happy with that - as far as I am concerned she deserves a bit of privacy - however I always somehow manage to find some housework to do near her bedroom - to make some inhibiting sounding dusting noises!

I have spoken to DD and she tells me that she kisses her boyfriend, but they don't want to have sex yet. I may sound naive but I trust that she is telling the truth. Looking back although I was a horny little devil at her age, and thiought about boys all the time, I felt very strongly that I didn't want to be one of the girls who had sex underage, and waited until I was 16.

[sunnydelight]

Oh, this is a really timely thread for me, can I join in?

DS1 (17 next month) told me a few days ago that himself and his girlfriend of 18 months (she turned 16 a few months back) are sexually active. I'm pleased he told me, I'm glad he'd having his first experience with a really nice girl that he loves, but I'm not sure where to go from here. She has never stayed over here; DS stays there every second weekend or so but in the spare room far away from her room. He says her parents don't know. We had the talk about contraception, responsibility, "doing the right thing" etc. I even found myself telling him that I would rather provide condoms for him than have him go without - I never thought I'd hear that coming out of my mouth!

They spend time alone here which her parents are aware of. I guess we just continue on knowing that if the house is empty they are probably making the most of it. I don't like the fact that her mum doesn't know, but it's certainly not my place to tell. I know her parents really like DS. Don't know why I'm rabbiting on really but it's a relief to be able to talk about it somewhere!

[mercibien]

Interesting thread, FWIW i recognised that my DD and her then bf were getting 'closer,' and wanted to prevent an unplanned pg.

I suggested we visit the GP together just after her 16th birthday and she went on the pill.We also discussed the emotional impact of having a sexual relationship, and the fall out when you split up

Her bf did stay over, and I assume they slept together.A few months later they split up and she was heart broken.

When she started seeing her current BF she sorted out her own contraception, and they are still together, 2 years on

She is very sensible and mature in her outlook, and our view as parents is that she owns her sexuality as much as we own ours, and in the same way that I would not want her to pry into ours,we will not pry into hers.

My view is keep it safe, and make it happy.

I am so much happier that she has one steady bf than a string of encounters, and if that means she is confident to have her bf here, then what harm is being done?

[marriednotdead]

Thanks Tiggy. Know we did our best but it's still so hard to watch it unravelling
My own dcs are doing great, and although I can't take all the credit, I know if I'd been able to take him on when he was younger, things would be very different.
Too many parents want to be friends with their dcs, but that bit comes so much later, and can never be totally that.

[TiggyR]

Despite what I've said on this thread about the sex thing I'm quite strict with mine in other respects (apparently) and they are always moaning, but I've told them they'll thank me one day, and my job is not to be their friend but their mother!

Poor you, and poor DSS.

[marriednotdead]

He moved back to his mums a few weeks ago after 18 months with us. His future looks bleak but he has had too much freedom to want to live a life that's age appropriate
All I can say is, don't ever think you are being too firm with your kids. I've lived with the consequences of lazy parenting leniency.

[TiggyR]

I mean what a horrible pickle to be in, not isn't he a naughty pickle - like some three year old!

[TiggyR]

marriednotdead Poor you. What a pickle.

[PortiaNovmerriment]

Gee whizz, if they old enough to be having sex they are old enough to buy their own johnnies

Reminds me of that dad in American Pie getting pornos for his son...

[GardenersDelight]

We let DD2 16 stay over at her BF nearly 18 and he stays here, I remember what we were like at 15 and DH18, still together 27 years later!! Would rather they were doing it safely under my roof then some where else,Had a discussion with her( very one sided!) booked an appt with practise nurse but wasnt allowed to go with her-her decission. Also bought some condoms for about the first time in 16 years

[BertieBotts]

Oh, that's true Tiggy. I might have done that once or twice But it would definitely have been college rather than school, and when I was going out with that one we were allowed to have sex at his parents' house anyway And in fact I was probably more likely bunking off because of my hangover

[marriednotdead]

Tiggy, yes
There's more but it's too awful to share here tbh.

[TiggyR]

MaineGirl - you summed it up there. Once it was clear that my son had a 'proper' girlfriend who was going to be around for a while, I agonised for ages over whether I should have 'the big talk' about safe sex, mutual respect, all that stuff, as soon as possible, or whether I should wiat a while as he might take it as a signal that it was ok to proceed so long as he knew the ground rules. In the end I opted to do it early, as I thought it would be naive to just assume he wasn't at that stage yet.

I held him hostage on the sofa, and lectured counselled and advised him for about an hour and a half, whilst he sat with his face buried in a cushion, wanting to die with embarrassment. It was a very one-sided conversation.

At the end of it, he got up and said 'For God's sake Mum, I'm ^only fourteen!' And stalked out.

I thought 'Oh no! Of course he is! My baby, and I'm trying to corrupt him!'

And then I thought, is he taking me for a mug?

Anyway, three years and they are still going strong.

[TiggyR]

Bertie, by BF and I both bunked off school so that I could lose my virginity whilst my mum was at work!

[MaineGirl]

we're just approaching the teenage years and its a tricky subject as you want to be liberal with them and feel that thye can talk to youo about anything but at the sae time you don;t want to be condoning sexual realtionships at too early a stage.
i think if they have been together for a lengthy preiod of time then i would be inclined to let them have g/f b/f over to stay as long as they were over 16, but a definate no for new relationships/casual affairs.
mnd- i bet that was a shock and really doesn;t bare thinking about at those ages, i do hope they have been very responsible since.

[TiggyR]

What, she's had a pregnancy scare with your 13 year old?

Or a subsequent BF?

[BertieBotts]

TBH, I don't think it makes that much difference. If they are going to have sex, they'll do it anyway (and not necessarily in a car or in a dodgy place like an alleyway - I know I never did this, we just did it when our parents were out). And whether or not they are careless with contraception is nothing to do with whether or not they are allowed to have sex in your house or not.

[PortiaNovmerriment]

Gotta keep 'em on their toes, Tiggy

[TiggyR]

Portia - Well, they were always fully clothed! But it's always been a question of allowing things in gradual increments for me. I didn't think it was fair or practical for them to always be downstairs with us, or keep the door open in his room. But up until they were both legal I did make a point of popping in regularly, which involved a fairly pointless knocking, followed by barging in really quickly, to make the point that they should'nt be taking anything for granted! Never saw any naked chandelier swinging though, just soppy love gazing and fully clothed limb entwining!

[marriednotdead]

I thought I'd be more liberal but when it came down to it, I'm with Portia.
DD's bf stayed for a week while we were on honeymoon, but there's no way if we were home. She was 17 and had been dating him (no sex) for a year by then.
She's 23 now, still living at home as is current bf. If they want sex privacy they check into a hotel for the weekend.

DSS (13) had gf (14) round and we were checking on him constantly, doors open, the lot. She's since had a pg scare so we were right to be worried...

[PortiaNovmerriment]

Ah, see, there is NO WAY I would have a couple of young teenagers snogging in bed until the wee small hours. Sofa, dvd, and somebody popping in to offer cups of tea periodically, I'm afraid. And no sleepovers.

[TiggyR]

Agree with all of that. Though I did get bored of endless corridor creeping and loud coughing outside my DS's room at 1.30am, and was willing them both to turn 16 asap, so I could go to bed with a clear conscience!

His GF lives a fair distance from us and they have always tended stay over at one another's homes at weekends because it isn't always practical for either parent to collect/deliver them home, only to have to bring them back again the next day. (rubbish countryside buses )

Bu the deal was that when it was bedtime he would go to the guest room. The trouble is, they'd be all cuddled up under the covers, snogging, and talking into the wee hours, and I'd be desperate to go to sleep, whereas they were practically nocturnal! Then he'd get up early next morning and go and climb in with her, which was 'above board' because they weren't actually 'sleeping together'!

It was a big relief when they both turned 16 and I could just leave them to it and not fret!

To give them their due, I have never heard them shagging, or felt uncomfortable in my own home because of their behaviour. His room is over our sitting room, and no thumping ceilings or banging headboards whatsoever.

Perhaps I should have a quiet word - he's obviously doing it wrong!