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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Where do your young teenagers hang out on a date?

64 replies

mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 12:31

DS1 is 14 and goes to an all boys school over 15 miles away from us. He hooks up with girls from the equivalent girls school. We want him to have a social life and we chose where he went to school so to a certain extent we have bitten the bullet re lots of driving for us and rather expensive jaunts, mostly cinema plus eating in cheap chain, as the schools' intakes are spread across the whole county so any girl he gets together with doesn't tend to be immediately local to us.

He has changed girlfriends during the course of this week which I am a bit about but my mum commented it is better than him getting really close to anyone at his age, which is true I guess. Now he is planning a cinema trip with the new girlfriend this afternoon. There is literally nothing left has he hasn't seen except for very childish films and ones that have a 15 certificate. I am feeling a bit fed up at funding a second or third viewing of the same film but I can't think of anywhere else to suggest they should go.

I did suggest I would drive them to a local leisure centre with swimming pool, slides etc but that suggestion has been met with total disgust.

Any other good ideas?

OP posts:
glinda · 31/01/2010 12:33

Bowling?

glinda · 31/01/2010 12:35

Oh or Ice skating. This is so much easier in Summer when they just hang around the park.

Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 12:39

Thanks for the suggestion - I just tried that one on him Glinda - howls of derision. It really is a pain as every trip is costing me at least £15 plus 60 miles of driving minimum, bit galling if it is to see Avatar for the third time (although at least that puts a big gap between drop off and pick up as it is so long).

OP posts:
pointydog · 31/01/2010 12:42

I'd leave it up to the two of them to decide. They're old enough.

Also, I'd make it a rule that he has to pay for any trip out of his monthly allowance. That's what happens with my dds.

If he has no allowance left, he goes to her house or she comes to his and they go and hang out in town/park etc which is free.

DecorHate · 31/01/2010 12:43

Couldn't he just meet her at a cafe? Luckily in our area quite a few milkbar-type places have opened recently (mostly serving milkshake type drinks). Great for teens who are not yet tea or coffee drinkers.

A cinema trip seems a bit anti-social in a way if they have just started dating as they won't get much time to talk (though may be good if one or both of them are shy!)

pointydog · 31/01/2010 12:44

we have a few caffs too. They drink hot chocolate or coke. Or they have a bowl of chips.

pointydog · 31/01/2010 12:45

I sued to like dates at the cinema precisely because we didn't have to talk much in the early awkward stages

glinda · 31/01/2010 12:46

Hmm, I think he just wants to sit in the dark and snog! Don't think he is too bothered about the film!

BertieBotts · 31/01/2010 12:49

We used to go to coffee shops or hang about at the park in the early evening, with fish and chips, sitting on the swings (not in an ASBO way, just in a skint teenager way!)

There was a pub I went to with one boyfriend which didn't mind us being there as long as we only drank coke. We used to play darts - there is also a pool hall around here that some of my friends went to but I have no idea what it was like, whether it was dodgy or not.

Bowling or cinema were more likely to be group things.

Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 12:49

The cafe suggestion is a good one. The situation is exacerbated by the distances involved as given that I have to drive him to and then retrieve him from another town I like him to do something that takes a while. AFAIK he has no conversation, definitely has very little for me and DH. However he has some of my friends on his FB and they tell me how funny and spohisticated some of his comments are so maybe he is different outside of his parents orbit.

Last summer he met up at a skate park near school quite a bit. It was a pain getting him there but he did stay for entire days. No girls featured in the arrangement but perhaps girlfriends will be allowed to go and admire the stunts this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 12:55

I have wondered about the allowance route but TBH when I think of the amount that would be involved in terms of going out, clothes, phone credit etc I just don't think I am ready to relinquish control. Currently I still pay for all his needs - clothes, school stuff, phone, friends presents etc. I worry if he had control of that budget it would be maybe £100-150 a month and he couldn't manage it, would never buy a pair of boxers again etc. He does get about £15 a month into a current account which he just uses to pay for family presents, saves up for new ipod etc so he does have a small amount of money which I don't control. Oh and 50p a day for a snack at school (school dinner paid for in advance).

OP posts:
pointydog · 31/01/2010 12:56

Could they not just watch a dvd in one house or the other and everyone else gives them some privacy?

Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 13:04

DS did actually go by train to the house of a previous girlfriend during Xmas holidays. Her parents are seprated and he met her at her dad's. From what I could gather there was no supervision and he was there for the whole day, shut up in her bedroom. This has made me a bit nervous of making an arrangement like that again but perhaps I ABU. I doubt even the girl's mum would have been that thrilled. I'd be very happy to do that here but I think DS would consider us too embarrassing to entertain the idea.

He is now assuring me they will get into a 15 this afternoon and so see something different. I doubt it very much given experiences he and DS2 had trying to see 12 films when they were actually 12 - DS2 is 13 and still has to take his passport.

OP posts:
pointydog · 31/01/2010 13:06

Is he paying for it?

Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 13:08

No - he doesn't have the disposable cash to do so as I am a probably too controlling mum

OP posts:
pointydog · 31/01/2010 13:12

hmm. The downside of that is that you will spend a fortune funding his choice of trips.

I don't think it's letting go of control to say here's £20 for the m onth. once you've spent it, you have to do free things.

PlanetEarth · 31/01/2010 13:17

I agree with pointydog, up his allowance and make him pay for all these trips out of that. Also, the onus would be on him and the girlfriend to decide what they want to do within the budget.

Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 13:20

It goes back to the distance thing making free things a challenge unfortunately. His school friends literally come from all across the county so it's not like he can just nip to someone from school's house necessarily.

It is rubbish but I think that you are right we are going to have to introduce some budgeting or other way of liniting stuff. Last weekend involved shopping trip and lucnh 20 miles away on Sat and cinema and mac ds 15 miles away on Sun (culminating in break up with previous girlfriend) plus both younger DCs also had long distance socialising and it was v stressful.

OP posts:
pointydog · 31/01/2010 13:23

Yes, you will need to agree things like

  1. you will ferry him about (re your op) and cover petrol natch
  2. He pays for cinema/lunch/other entry prices

When he runs out of budget, it will also help you as you will probably be ferrying him about less

mimsum · 31/01/2010 15:25

how does he get to school? ds1 goes to school with a huge catchment area, but most of his friends go by train, so they're all pretty competent about getting themselves around during the day. The only time any of them get lifts is if they're going somewhere inaccessible by public transport or if it's going to be late (they're only 12 and 13 and not anything like as grown-up as they think they are )

Original poster
mysteryfairy · 31/01/2010 16:38

He goes to school on a coach service that serves his school, the girls school and two associated prep schools. I am instigating a public transport where possible routine and he is much more competent than many of his friends. There is a bus that stops about three miles away and goes to the town where school is once an hour. We also have a train station about two miles away from which he can catch an hourly train to our nearest major city. I tend to drive him and retrieve him from them if he is using public transport as he is always last minute. So far I wouldn't let him use public transport after dark, so after about 4.30 at the moment. A couple of plans to go on the train have also been wrecked as the train keeps being replaced by an unreliable and extremely slow bus service which I'm not happy for him to use.

OP posts:
cat64 · 31/01/2010 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 31/01/2010 17:07

Gosh, will you adopt me and pay for all my transport and choice of social events please?

He's onto a good thing with you, isn't he?

inthesticks · 31/01/2010 18:28

I have a similar problem as we live in a small village. He goes to school in a very small market town 6 miles away and all his friends live in surrounding villages, with very little public transport.

I changed his pocket money last year so he now has to fund "entertainment" but I do the driving around. This I feel is the price we have to pay for living where we do.

He also goes to the cinema a lot! The cinema is in a bigger town 10 miles away, they usually get a discount ticket after each visit which keeps the cost down. Sometimes they buy a cake at Greggs or such like. Often they go to a coffee shop and have a hot chocolate between 4 of them. If they wanted to buy meals they would soon run out of money.

Cat64 - I do feel guilty that the DCs social lives are severely restricted by where we live but moving is not an option, hence the taxi service.

usualsuspect · 31/01/2010 18:38

Why can't they just hang out in each others houses?

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