Where do your young teenagers hang out on a date?

[mysteryfairy]

DS1 is 14 and goes to an all boys school over 15 miles away from us. He hooks up with girls from the equivalent girls school. We want him to have a social life and we chose where he went to school so to a certain extent we have bitten the bullet re lots of driving for us and rather expensive jaunts, mostly cinema plus eating in cheap chain, as the schools' intakes are spread across the whole county so any girl he gets together with doesn't tend to be immediately local to us.

He has changed girlfriends during the course of this week which I am a bit about but my mum commented it is better than him getting really close to anyone at his age, which is true I guess. Now he is planning a cinema trip with the new girlfriend this afternoon. There is literally nothing left has he hasn't seen except for very childish films and ones that have a 15 certificate. I am feeling a bit fed up at funding a second or third viewing of the same film but I can't think of anywhere else to suggest they should go.

I did suggest I would drive them to a local leisure centre with swimming pool, slides etc but that suggestion has been met with total disgust.

Any other good ideas?

usual suspect - the boys do this to a certain extent. My DS went up to senior school from prep so we tend to know the parents of his male friends and they will often get together to practise guitar in someone's house, sleepover etc. It is slightly different for my DS with the girls as they go to a different school, live in many cases 30 miles away and the parents are completely unknown to me. I think it would be one thing if they were in a school friend's house where we didn't know the family if it was in the same village but it just seems a little strange for them to turn up at the house of a stranger so far away and not easy for me to retrieve him if it suddenly becomes necessary. We have friends with DDs at the girls school and he will hang out with us and them as families getting together but none of them are in Y9 and so girlfriend material. (And given the longevity of his GFs this is just as well!)

I think at 15 you can't expect to know the parents of every single one of their friends though ...

Fron the age of 14 all mine have had a monthly allowence and have had to pay for social things themselves. Also they have decided what they wanted to do and not me or DH.Even before that they had pocket money and some stuff, DD3 now gets £30 amonth and maneges to pay for her phone and social trips out of that.

I missed out some words in my last post, I maent to say before the age of 14 they had weekly pocket money ,they paid for some stuf and I would pay for other stuff,

usual suspect - I honestly don't expect to know all of his friends parents. I just think it is impractical for me to drive him 30 miles to the house of someone I don't know to drop him off and then retrieve him. It's not like if things go badly he can just slope off home, as would be the case if it was a local friend.

Perhaps I am making problems when none there but I would feel uncomfortable with it. When he has male friends to sleep over I speak to mum or dad first, confirm their policy re 15 cert films and games etc if it is someone new and make an arrangement for returning the DC home. These new relationships with girls he would rather die than have me doing that.

I have just collected him with poor 8 yr old DD in car saying she really wanted to go to bed, so I have told him next weekend one outing and day time only. He has just reminded me he is already paintballing all day on Saturday but thinks he will go to town with GF on Sunday.

Personally I think you're right not to encourage him to be with his gf alone unsupervised in a house.

Things can get a bit...intense.

It's hard to imagine anyone feeling inclined to get intense with my DS1 - it seems so recent that girls were an object of utter scorn to him! I think it is a concern though. I've got to admit I feel more comfortable when they go out in a group but of late there seem to have been a lot of private outings. I can't imagine what he talks about... and perhaps it's better that way

I am shocked that you are even contemplating funding unlimited social/romantic liasons!

I think your question demonstrates the difficulties involved in not going to a school within your own community but that's a whole other topic.

Pointydog's suggestion is good.

I think that it is hard financially to support your ds social life, however I would be concerned that if money were much more limited that teenagers would just hang around rather than doing an activity.

For example when I was young we were given very little pocket money and teenagers just spent their time taking up space in playgrounds and 'bushing' (drinking beer/vodka in fields/car parks). Whereas my much younger sister got money from my parents when she went out as a teenager and her and her friends spent all their time going out for meals, going to ice cream parlours, going to the cinema etc.

I don't know about you but I'd rather my ds having a meal out than hanging around doing who knows what, but of course it is alot more expensive.

To limit the cost my parents only allowed my sister to go out on weekends, and she had to work hard at school during the week. It was kind of you work hard at school and in return you get a nice life kind of thing. She has a great mutual respect relationship with my parents, this agreement worked well all through the teenage years.

At 14, I had a job in a Chemist shop

Could he get a paper round, or do such things not exist anymore ?

I think you cannot fund his activities ad infinitum and organise his social life - at the age of 14 I think that it is a good idea to have an allowance.

DD gets £60 a month - that is to cover all activities, clothes (I buy her basic clothes every season, she uses her allowance to buy extras). I also put in her account £20 a week (this is for her school bus money and dinner money). If she runs out of money toygh luck.

She organises her own activities and it is up to her to get herself back and forth. We live in Gloucester but she has friends who live in villages outside Cheltenham - she gets the necessary 3 buses there and back.

We belong to a gym and she sometimes meets her friends there - they spend ages in the sauna and the pool. However for other social evernts they either go to teh cinema (when in funds) or congregate in town (when out of money).

And she meets her friends for lunch - go to Pizza Express with vouchers, or an all you can eat (vile) Chinese buffet place.

DD also no allowed out in the week - Friday afternoon/evening family night sacrosant, she is free to see her friends socially on Saturdayu and Sunday daytimes only.

Too young to be allowed out at night.

Just to clarify - mine was a Saturday job. I did not leave school at 14 (not that old).

I also had jobs as a kid.

From age 10 was stciking up skittles in a pub earning £4.20 a match 9approx 6 matches a week, quite a good haul for a 10 year old). Was permanently knackered though from late nights in pub.

From 11 onwards had a job in summer months at weekends and during holidays. Ice cream parlour, cream tea cafe. Also had evening job in Gateways stacking shelves.

Had to give my wages to my gran - it was my contribution to housekeeping.

I did not grow up in the 1930s, just had a strange upbringing with a very old fashioned woman who thought that children should work.

DD is reaping the benefit of this as I don't intend for her to have a job until she really needs to - a couple of hours a week when she is 16 and maybe not then, depends how I feel at the time. She will spend about 40 years of her life working as an adult. I want her to have some fun as a teen.

I had jobs from 13. Washing hair in a hair salon (ugh), working in a newsagents and a post office, then a Saturday job in a department store at 15. But I lived in town and walked evrywhere.

No such things as paper rounds here I'm afraid as there is no delivery. DS ddoes holiday cat feeding and plant watering for neighbours in the summer, no takers for babysitting round here.I don't think there is much else you can do at 14 but I do think a Saturday job at 16 is a good idea.

They do hang out at each others homes, or more often they hang out on line on the x box. No the healthist alternative IMO but that's a whole other subject.
The OP wasn't really about the lads hanging out together it was where do young teens go on dates?

It's easier in the summer when they can do outdoors stuff which is free.

Getorf. Appreciate your experience of work was extreme.

It just strikes me that in the case of the OP, the son is getting to spend a lot of money without having to appreciate the value of it by either

a) budgeting from a finite allowance

and/or

b) learning that money has to be earned

Now I really do sound like read the DM ....

But yes, maybe 16 is a reasonable age - most people I knew didn't work as early as me

Having thought about this overnight I have concluded that I am happy to fund my DS on social outings to a limited extent. He has been going a bit wild of late so I am going to say only one activity outing per weekend. Sleepovers, band practice etc with the lads will be ok on top of that.

This is more about the impact ferrying is having on family life and my weekends and also the concern re the impacts of intense relationships at this age and maybe conflicts with GCSE work.

I am going to suck up the cost to a certain extent as financing stuff is not my biggest problem at the moment. I do choose to send him to school out of area so to a certain extent the issues are of my own making. Someone has commented that my dilemna illustrates the disadvantages of doing so but believe me the thread about the misery DS went through at our local school before I took the decision to move him would dwarf anything on this one.

I think in terms of my original question I haven't really ended up with enough inspiration. To add to cinema ad nauseam which is what he is currently doing I have sbowling, iceskating, town, cafe, socialising at each others houses, congerating outside and I am very grateful for all those suggestions. If anyone does have any great suggestions to add I am still very much in the market for more

I am Mystery Fairy! I grew up in a VERY rural area and the people I went to school with were scattered in villages for miles around yet we were expected to take the bus/train, get a job (even just 2hrs on a Saturday am) and my parents would never have ferried me around for dates (not that old either).

Also I think getting him to learn the value of money is a good thing IMHO.

Jamie - yes sorry for the woe is me/Monty Python esque 'I were down t'mine at 18 months' tales of my early working. Talk about thread hijack!

yes agree that kids should know the value of money - dd has to do 3 hours of work a week in the house to earn her money (she does dished every day, cleans bathroom, cleans cars, fills oil and water in cars, polishing).

Think that's fair enough.

LOADS of her friends do not have to do any chores at all, which is odd I think.

DS leaves for school at 7.15 and returns after 5 which knocks him out of doing a paper round here. He has a lot of extra curricular activities, including rugby early on saturday through the winter and cricket on sunday mornings in the summer. I would hate to see him give anything up as he does things he enjoys plus I think that these days you have to rely on them to differentiate you a bit when applying to university.

When I was 14 I used to babysit, but times have changed and I doubt anyone would want him as a babysitter. In fact I still get a babysitter for him and his younger siblings when I go out. (I do leave him alone, but will not leave him in charge of 8 year old DD.). I didn't get a Saturday job til I was in sixth form (C&A, happy days ) and don't think it would be either practical or feasible for him.

Are there really 14 year olds with actual jobs today other than paper rounds?

BTW - my DS does reluctantly help round the house when asked. I generally ask him to do things like unload dishwasher, put washing on line, bring shopping in from car

Sorry mystery, for taking the thread off into other realms. It has got me thinking about my DCs becoming teens....(oldest is 9). No suggestions sadly - don't they just like to hang about and mildly grope each other in between drags of marijuana ?

GetOrf - when I were a lass we lived in a sardine can and ate shoe leather .....

mystery - cross-posted. We have a very lovely 15 year old boy babysitter. The DSs think he is very very cool ...