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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sleeping with my daughter...

126 replies

TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 18:27

Oh come all ye great wise owls of MNET and tell me when is the right time?
DD will be 18 soon. She has a lovely boyfriend who I really like - clean, sensible... She would like him to stay the night in the Xmas holidays. I said for now he must sleep in separate room. She would like to know how long this will go on for?
I haven't got a clue.
WWYD?

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 06/12/2009 18:46

Ummm, they are adults? Would you rather they were shagging in a park? I dont see the issue, sorry.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 19:11

lol @ "clean" boyfriend

how long have they been together? What is the age difference?

are they still at school/sixth form?

if both in full-time work and paying their way, they should be treated as adults, IMO

if r'ship relatively new (ie. less than eg. 1 year) or either of them in FT education, I would say wait a while, at least till they are both over 18

Hassled · 06/12/2009 19:13

FGS they'll have sex regardless. She's over the age of consent - just stick him in the same room. It only feels hideously awkward the first night, honest. Then you just get used to it.

BunnyLebowski · 06/12/2009 19:16

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking them to sleep in separate rooms tbh.

It's your house and you should feel comfortable.

Fwiw until DP and I had dd last year we always slept in separate rooms at my parents (we'd been together for 7 years and were in our 20's). It wasn't an imposition. We were happy to respect their preferences.

And monkeyfacegrace it's hardly a choice between letting them share a bed and them shagging in the park .

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 19:20

I think the point that they will have sex regardless is a red herring, tbh

Your house, your rules

17 is still very young, especially if she is in FT education and the bf is several yrs older

My neice is 18 and though my sis knows she has sex with her bf, she doesn't allow them to share a bed

I will be the same I think

For some reason, I think 18 is the absolute minimum for this, but it would still depend on the relationship itself, IYSWIM

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:23

I would say not under my roof until married. I don't care what others think.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 19:25

precisely, AMS, any other discussion is pure hot air, tbh

Original poster
TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 19:32

Both in FT education - so "schoolchildren", boyf soon to be 18.

Interesting the divided opinion on here, as am divided in my thoughts. Am so glad that she has waited this long to shag anybody. The relationship is still relatively new, but Mr clean boy is chatty and has slotted into the family really easily.

However, I am uneasy about him slotting in anywhere else just yet.

OP posts:
hormonesnomore · 06/12/2009 19:40

"I would say not under my roof until married. I don't care what others think."

AMerryScot - my DD has been with her partner for 14 years now and has 2 DCs - should I wait till they tie the knot until I allow them to sleep together when they stay with me?

BeautifulDecay · 06/12/2009 19:45

Agree with Hassled (as I soon often do). They will have sex regardless, whether it's in a park or elsewhere. Your dd is not asking your permision to have sex, she's askin if she can share a ned with her boyfriend in your house, a completly different thing.

And she is not a schoolchild, far from it.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:54

I would be steadfast in my values, hormones.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 20:53

lol at "slotting in"

OP, in that situation, if you are uncomfortable with it say no, do not feel under pressure to allow something you are uncomfy with just to appear like a "cool mum"

I am not a "cool mum" and have no intention to be one

I am my dd's mother, not her mate

yes, and she isn't asking permission to have sex, the question is whether to condone them sleeping together like adults under the parents roof

they are still schoolchildren, IMO

I wouldn't allow it, under these particular circs

they will have sex, that is for sure

but you don't have to let them "live" as adults under your roof, if you don't want to

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 21:05

AF,
I hate your name, but agree with you totally.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 21:08

err, thankyou AMS

halfcut · 06/12/2009 21:15

I wouldn't have a problem with it...at 18 they are both adults

NotanOtter · 06/12/2009 21:16

af i agree with you totally

i sometimes think that mums on here think 17 /18 is grown up...

you feelthat way when you are that age - when you live with them at that age you realise that YES they are still schoolchildren

I would say no at this stage - maybe when they are at university or have left school....but that's me and ds has not asked yet!

It's like anything parent styled after about 16 - there is no right/wrong just go with what feel right

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 21:16

they are not 18 halfcut

wonderingwondering · 06/12/2009 21:17

I think 18 is a bit young. Most people have several partners during their teenage years/early twenties, but I think allowing them to sleep together in the parental home creates too serious or settled a relationship, for that age.

So if I'm 25, living pretty independently, and have a serious partner that I want to introduce to my family, then sleeping in the same room is consistent with that.

Allowing that level of familiarity (with each other and with the family) at such a young age, I think, both creates an 'established' relationship that I think is probably inappropriate at that age, and also ties your daughter to her family at an age when she should be asserting her independence. So the urge to have sex/boyfriends is quite a strong driver to establish yourself as an adult!

Does that make sense? yes, she's sleeping with her boyfriend, she's making her own decisions and becoming an adult. But letting her do it in her family home, with your full knowledge, either drags her back from that independence - or possibly creates a level of 'commitment' and recognition of the relationship that at 18 they may not be ready for.

Hulababy · 06/12/2009 21:18

I wasn't allowed to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend (now DH) at that age. We met at 16y and we weren't allowed to share a room at my parent's house nor his parent's house, until after university when we moved in together.

It was fine. We didn't push it. I believe in the whole respecting your parent's wishes stuff. It obviously didn't stop us sleeping together in the slightest - just not right under our parent's nose.

Seems perfectly acceptable to me.

LauraIngallsWilder · 06/12/2009 21:18

Hey AF - do you remember those threads ages ago when we tried to discover a common bond - lentil weaving, home ed, You kept trying to get me to type out your name in full becuase initially I said I didnt think we had in common and I am a prude about swearing (I had my old name then as pre daily mail saga)

Well once again I discover that we have - I agree with you totally on this issue

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 21:19

Are you happy that your daughter is shagging, halfcut?

Lapsedrunner · 06/12/2009 21:19

It's your house = separate rooms, no question

BaDaBing · 06/12/2009 21:20

You are entitled to your values AMS but they are waaay out of date, and verge on ludicrous!

OP, do what you feel comfortable with. I would be v straightforward with your dd and just let her know you are not comfortable with them sharing a room yet, but that you realise your position will probably change as they get a bit older. She will respect your position if you are straightforward and honest but firm.

cat64 · 06/12/2009 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

halfcut · 06/12/2009 21:20

Well I must be wrong then I was certainly an adult at 18...I let my ds's gf stay over in his bed ..

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