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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sleeping with my daughter...

126 replies

TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 18:27

Oh come all ye great wise owls of MNET and tell me when is the right time?
DD will be 18 soon. She has a lovely boyfriend who I really like - clean, sensible... She would like him to stay the night in the Xmas holidays. I said for now he must sleep in separate room. She would like to know how long this will go on for?
I haven't got a clue.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Georgimama · 06/12/2009 23:28

My mum wouldn't allow my boyfriend with whom she knew I was sleeping to stay in my bed when I was 18, but a year later when I had left home for uni and come home with now DH she did. Difference was I had left home, really was living as an adult and we were home as her guests, clearly a couple. I don't blame her. What if teenage child was bringing home a new partner every other week? Would they all be allowed to sleep in their bed?

(DH and I weren't allowed to share a bed in his parents room before we got married - as we lived together this did seem slightly daft and therefore we have never spent a night under their roof)

BitOfFun · 06/12/2009 23:37

I liked what you said about this thread crystallising your views- me too. When I talk to dd1 about this in the future I will be able to explain my logic better, so thanks to wondering for helping me to put my finger on why I feel the way I do

Monty100 · 06/12/2009 23:39

PMSL at Anyfucker.

Also, if there's younger dcs in the house you would be setting a precedent.

This thread has been comforting to me too. Dd is 16 and I've been wondering how I'm going to handle this. But then she doesn't even have a bf so I'm being a bit previous.

LittleWhiteWereWolf · 06/12/2009 23:48

I've also heard that it was 14, but it was on a programme about teenage mums so I can't quote it as gospel!

I waited til I was 19 and my BF was 18...thinking back his mother had no say in the matter, he just invited me round to stay so she cooked me tea and wished us goodnight...we didnt consult her at all, which was very rude. And then she extended the same 'courtesy' to his sister who was 5 years younger than him so 13 at the time...her boyfriend was 16. And she got pregnant at 14. The problem my MIL has(yup, I married that BF) is that she never knows how to treat her kids; one minute she treats them like adults, another moment like kids.
I think thats an important key: you have to decide based on your DD (or DS) whether you deem them mature or not in any given circumstance.

My sister met her now ex-BF at 16 and she asked my mum if she could share a room. I'm pretty sure they did allow it, although I was at uni at the time...sharing rooms with boys quite a bit, but not sleeping 'with' them, just next to them.

The first time my DH stayed over at my house, my mum had that day been admitted to hospital (happend several times a year) and I was very upset. Although we were very much in the infancy of our relationship my DH/BF chose to stay with me and look after me even when I needed to cry and just be upset. Neither of my parents was consulted on this decision as neither was there to ask.

I think thats what it boils down to : individual circumstances. If you know the boy well enough and have faith in your daughter then allow it if you feel comfortable. If you know the boy and have faith etc but DONT feel comfortable, then have a discussion with your daughter about this. Be honest and open to her requests.

That being said, I admire those on here with principles and while I may not entirely agree, I think its good to hear that your have them. I think its respectful to adhere to ones parents wishes even if you do not have the same ideals. Looking back, I would have asked my mum to allow my BF to stay the night eventually, and she most likely would have wanted more time to get to know him herself and for the relationship to progress more before agreeing.

Quattrocento · 06/12/2009 23:53

ROFL at this.

I remember going to stay at a boyfriend's parents house when I was at university. I would have slept whereever his mother had put me, but in an agony of embarassment, she just didn't put me anywhere.

All terribly english

SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 06/12/2009 23:59

Only read first page.

I'm just thinking what happens when/if they break up? the ex has told his mates that TeenageWildlife is a cool mum who lets her Dd's boyfriends sleep with her Dd...reputation is hard to repair.

ravenAK · 07/12/2009 00:19

Gosh yes. He'd be calling her lurid names, in the time honoured way of teenage boys after a break up.

Which, of course, he wouldn't be doing if they'd not had sex/had sex al fresco...

I don't think a nearly 18 year old's 'reputation' would suffer unduly by being known to have had her boyfriend to sleep over!

That said, I'm a firm believer in 'my gaff...my rules'. If the thought of it makes you squirm, you're entirely within your rights to say no.

cory · 07/12/2009 07:36

In what world would a nearly 18yo base her reputation on what her Mum allowed her to do? I hardly think people of that age still talk in terms of "cool Mums"- surely you are thinking of 14yos, Solos? 18yos are the kind of creatures who are getting ready to go to university or to backpack around Thailand or start up their own businesses.

Lots of us were around the OPs dd's age when we met our dhs.

Of course the OP can set any rules she likes in her own house. But I hardly think she needs to worry about her reputation among her dd's friends; they are not likely to be thinking much about her at all.

Original poster
TeenageWildlife · 07/12/2009 10:16

DD's friends don't come into it. Most lost their cherries ages ago and the two besties know every detail of every step - as they do, wouldn't dream of judging her.
As an individual, of course she is a very independent, sensible and hardworking girl. Great grades, 5 offers for uni, works, does charity work...so the question of "When will it be okay?" is coming from a very mature and sensible girl.
And I am a "cool Mum". So say my kids. I am incredibly strict about the things that matter, but am there for the friends to talk things through. I am not a mate or friend but a mother. Probably am cool because H is ex-H and this changes the balance with your children. All the friends are respectful because they know of my wrath and rules. but they still think I'm cool, so it is possible to do both. By 18 it is not about me sharing clothes (ugh) or trying to "get down" (groan), it is about me treating them as adults and with respect. And to quote my son, "It's a different shade of cool from when you were young."

OP posts:
SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 07/12/2009 13:55

perhaps I'm getting old then...

SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 07/12/2009 18:39

and I was talking about Tw's Dd's rep, not TW's. Perhaps I put that across wrong.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 19:11

solo, I agree with you, FWIW

NotanOtter · 08/12/2009 13:24

i have dcs of that age - very mature sensible lovely boy. Not in the situation yet but really not old enough for the type of thing you are suggestion

just wrong imo

i would rather it were a bit illicit tbh - a bit like his first drink and smoke which i am pretty sure have happened

there comes a point where the child should be independent ...

Mummy and daddy warming the bed and popping condoms in a wooden bowl by the side of it - a bit much

Wineonafridaynight · 08/12/2009 21:47

Well when I was 17/18 and still at school I had been with ex boyfriend since I was 15. We were allowed to stay at each others but not in the same room. Only difference was when we all stayed at friends houses after a new years eve party or whatever - then there would be a group of us in sleeping bags.

Fast forward a few months we went to uni, split up and I met someone else. We were sleeping in the same bed a lot (as you tend to do if you aren't living with your parents). His parents were much more layed back so when we were at his in the holidays it wasn't really an issue - we just slept in the same room. At my parents they weren't particularly comfortable with this but they rationalised it I think by the fact that we did share a bed a lot when at uni and at his parents so accepted it and it wasn't really an issue. Nearly eight years later I'm still together with DP.

I think with my children I would want to know that they had been in a relationship for a while before sharing a bed under my roof - I would want to know it is serious and not condone going through numerous partners a year! I would think around about the same age as your DD is now would be when I would consider it but would all depend on length of relationship.

Original poster
TeenageWildlife · 09/12/2009 10:06

It's funny, since I wrote the OP I have discussed this again with her, and she accepted so readily that they won't be sleeping in the same room at any point that I think it was what she was expected, or even wanted to hear.
Sometimes they really want you to make strict boundaries for them.

OP posts:
frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 09/12/2009 13:15

I quite liked my parents laying that down to me as well and I was around the same age! It wasn't what I wanted but it was what I expected - just a little bit of constancy when other 'given' rules were changing at home.

Glad it's all turned out well

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2009 15:08

tw, that is what I think too

my dd often readily agrees to sanctions I make "no, you are not going to that party where all the kids (14 yo) will be drinking alcohol..."

it is her get-out-of-jail card, if you like

Milliways · 09/12/2009 19:17

AMerryScott - I am on your side too

Just after we were married, DH & I stayed at an Aunts house. They put us in a large bed with a metal frame, pushed against a metal covering to a fireplace. You only had to move a fraction for a VERY loud metallic crashing to resonate throughout the house. Even married, we had to lie there motionless all night

wonderingwondering · 09/12/2009 19:34

But as married, grown adults staying overnight with aged relatives, is it necessary to have sex? I just wouldn't, in someone else's home! Or am I a real prude?

The OP's asking about dependent teenagers, who don't have an alternative home/life in which to conduct their relationship: I think independent children bringing a partner home for a visit to their parental home is a bit different.

WidowWadman · 09/12/2009 19:53

My mum insisted on my then boyfriend sleeping in a seperate room when I was 18. It did nothing but aggravate me and of course he snuck over into my room in the middle of the night.

You'd be doing your daughter a bigger favour by treating her as an adult, and talk to her about contraception, risks and stuff.

PurlyQueen · 09/12/2009 20:08

OP
It's your house, so if you don't feet comfortable with your daughter and her boyfriend sleeping together then you should say no.

If they don't like it, they can always seek alternative accomodation.

optimistletoemumma · 09/12/2009 20:58

er - shoot me down in flames if this has already been said but what of the bf parents' views on this???? My DS is 17 and I would be very unhappy if his gfs parents allowed them to share a bed when he stayed over.
Talking to your daughter/son about sex, having an open relationship with them and realising that they may well be having sex has absolutely nothing to do with letting them share a bed in your house! I agree with the others who say it validates a relationship and gives it more meaning etc etc etc

WidowWadman · 09/12/2009 21:10

But the validation is kind of the point, isn't it?
Of course it might be that he's not the one and it's not unlikely that the relationship will end in loads of tears at some point, however, at the very moment, he is the daughter's boyfriend, and her mother's refusal to "validate" this, is just patronising/alienating.

All it signals is that she doesn't need to come to her mum when her little heart is broken, because all she can expect is a "told you that it wouldn't last".

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 09/12/2009 21:44

Well not if you lay it down from the beginning that you're not going to validate it one way or the other by saying 'no sleeping together before you're engaged/married' it doesn't. It means that you are waiting to follow her lead about how serious it is and as long as you're consistent then there's no hidden message of 'told you that one wouldn't last'.

There are other ways to validate a relationship than sleeping in the same bed. Anyway the OPs daughter is happy with the arrangement.

Original poster
TeenageWildlife · 11/12/2009 19:34

Quite Frakkin. I am surprised how some posters seem to go off at such a weird tangent. Asking an opinion on when and if they might share a bed does not mean I need to be told to discuss contraception. We have very open and frank discussions about all aspects of relationships and sex.

Neither does it mean that if I don't let her sleep in the same room as him WidowWadman

"All it signals is that she doesn't need to come to her mum when her little heart is broken, because all she can expect is a "told you that it wouldn't last".

What a load of tosh. that is like saying I need to let them share a bed to validate the realtionship. The boy eats dinner with us several times a week and feels very happy and accepted, and this has nothing to do with sex.
And my daughter will always come to me and I HAVE NOT said "told you..." anything. You clearly have issues around this. And my DD is happy with this arrangement.

OP posts:
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