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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sleeping with my daughter...

126 replies

TeenageWildlife · 06/12/2009 18:27

Oh come all ye great wise owls of MNET and tell me when is the right time?
DD will be 18 soon. She has a lovely boyfriend who I really like - clean, sensible... She would like him to stay the night in the Xmas holidays. I said for now he must sleep in separate room. She would like to know how long this will go on for?
I haven't got a clue.
WWYD?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 22:01

well, my dd's bedroom is the habitat of a feral creature

but she is sorta human otherwise

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 22:02

This thread has absolutely crystallized my thoughts on this matter

< files away for next couple of years >

Gotta lurve MN

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:03

Is there something to be said for letting early experiences with sex happen in very safe space? So like if a bf puts pressure on her to do something she doesn't feel comfortable with, then she's not stuck in someone else's house at 2 in the morning with no way of getting home, she's not in the park or in her bf's car parked in a field late at night. She can walk out into another room, it's her home, she's much more in control.

For a dd too young to be out at the bf's house, or too young to be out in a car, I'd say no i think. If old enough to be out overnight or late a lot, I'd want to make her home available as the safest place possible(not that I'd be grinning and waving them off to the bedroom exactly!)

ilovemydogandmrobama · 06/12/2009 22:04

Thought you meant at first that you were co-sleeping with your 18 year daughter, and thought that perhaps it would be time for her to get her own bed

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 22:06

so there you go, gel

you either grin and wave them off to the bedroom (in your house)....or you don't

there is sorta no middle ground

unless you say "yes, you can sleep in the same bed but only heavy petting is allowed" and then sit by the bed to make sure they comply

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 22:08

Gel,

What about the honeymoon suite in the local hotel, post wedding reception?

Why are we shortchanging our kids?

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:08

Thing is there's a difference between giving them privacy up to a certain point in her bedroom and letting them actually sleep together. My DH2B and I have always been allowed unsupervised in each others rooms, often in nightwear, and sometimes we've been having a cuddle on the bed (a CUDDLE! not a euphenism for anything else) and my parents have been able to see and not had a problem with it. They must at least appreciate that whatever illusion they're labouring under currently we really actually are going be having s-e-x after the 19th of December....

So perhaps the approach to take is: I'm not comfortable with you spending the night together but if you want to have sex we will have an understanding that he can stay in your room until 11pm and you can do whatever feels right to you but you must sleep in separate beds.

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:09

I didn't mean I would be hoping no sex happened - I'd assume it would. Just that I wouldn't be going nudge nudge wink wink to them as they went up the stairs after dinner !

MortaIWombat · 06/12/2009 22:10

I think, op, that what you have to ask yourself is how your dd will feel if you happily say yes to them sharing a bedroom, and it turns out that she isn't yet sleeping with him/enjoying sex/comfortable with it. Because then by allowing it you seem to be condoning it (rather than just taking the path of least resistance).
And if you know for a fact that they're at it like rabbits then fair enough. But if she's not as active as you seem to think, but her boyfriend brings out the "Well, your mum has put us in the same room cos she thinks we are, so we might as well/why won't you? She doesn't care" argument, your dd will feel under a lot of pressure.
I do think you need to be very careful here. I know that when I was 16/17 (so only a bit younger), being able to say, "Shit, I can hear my mum coming!" got me out of some situations I didn't really want to be in/prolong. Just my thoughts, though; happy to be shot down.

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:11

Gah. Posted.

That way you're allowing her the space and privacy to make that decision, the safety of being in her own home and still not giving the impression that the relationship is more serious than it actually is. The separate beds thing is symbolic more than anything else, no?

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:11

AMS - your point of view makes perfect sense to someone like you who thinks sex before marriage is wrong. I don't think that though, so obviously I'm not going to think someone is shortchanged if they have sex before marriage. Shortchanged if they have miserable or unconsensual or pressured sex, yes, but not just having sex without being married.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 22:12

I can imagine the look on my DH's face as our 17yo dd headed up the stairs with her bf to bed !

it would not be a good look

GorgeousMumOfTwo · 06/12/2009 22:13

I agree with all of AMS's posts.

WoTmania · 06/12/2009 22:13

I was married before DH was allowed into my bed. My Mum just wasn't comfortable with us sharing a bed in her home. She knew full well that we were having sex.
It wasn't ever a problem for me.

Stick to what you feel comfortable with I'd say.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 06/12/2009 22:13

wondering, I agree with you, excellent post.

I wish my mother had prevented me from having mt boyfriend sleep over when I was 16 (he was 21 btw)
Pretty soon we were spending every night together, either at his or mine, and the relationship became much too serious, much quicker than it would otherwise have done.

Dd will not have boyfriends sleep in my house until she has moved out, and then only when she is in a committed relationship and is no longer dependent on me or the family home.
I am not a prude, just very aware of the mistakes I made and very keen to prevent my dd making the same ones.

AF, nice to see your seasonal name, feeling positively festive now

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:15

AMS I had a really horrible and disturbing thought that you might be my mother, but then I realised that you were posting when she was sitting on the sofa reading so you can't be....

BitOfFun · 06/12/2009 22:15

That post of wondering's is superb- it hits the nail on the head.

I think if you gauge your parenting decisions around "if they don't do it here they'll go somewhere else and do it" then you are on a slippery slope with teenagers.

I also think there are a fair few older parents on here stuck with grown-up children (and even their babies and partners) living with them. I think it pays to make independence look as attractive as possible, and if that means not wanting to hear sex noises from upstairs while you're watching Corrie, then it's ok to tell them it ain't happening.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 22:17

How is there safety in your own home if parents are turning a blind eye?

There might be literal comfort, compared to back seat of car or bushes in the park, but what else does the parental home offer?

If a child is in a loving relationship, what makes one place any safer than another.

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:18

If I had a 16 year old dd she wouldn't be staying over with a 21 year old bf, nor would I ideally want him staying with us. With that sort of age gap and a 16 year old, I would be with the 'make sex difficult' camp. But once it gets to the point where she's old enough to be let out to stay over with the bf - I think I'd rather the bf was staying with her in a safer place than the other way round.

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:21

As someone else pointed out it makes it easier to get out the situation/make excuses, AMS. If you heard your DD scream when she was in her room with her boyfriend I bet you'd be there in a flash! If she's screaming in the backseat of a car or in the bushes she might not be heard.

But the decision is the OPs whether she wants it to be okay for her daughter to have sex under her roof or not and whether she says "no way", "no sleeping in the same bed but free time until X o'clock" or "whatever you want".

gelinkrol · 06/12/2009 22:22

Being able to walk away, even if just to another room?

Nothing is a magic safety net, but where you are isn't irrelevant, either.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 22:29

thanks, crack

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 22:34

Why would she scream?

MoreCrackThanSantasArse · 06/12/2009 22:38
frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2009 22:39

Because she's not happy with what's going on? Because she wants her boyfriend to stop and he won't?

That's why being in a house with parents present is safer than being in a car. Plus the fact remains parents are a pretty good deterrent!